New Weekly is my bible. Well, that and
Famous because they once featured Heidi Montag on their best dressed list but I digress. The only thing that gets me out of bed on a Monday morning is the prospect of flipping through page after page of hard hitting journalism about fat celebrities, plastic surgery addicts and fame whores. Needless to say, I was particularly excited to see Dannii's older sister on the cover of last week's edition. Reading about Kylie's natural beauty is one of my favourite past times but nothing prepared me for this stunning exposé. Instead of pouring over pictures of my favourite singer's frozen forehead, I was mind raped by one of the most amusing
works of fiction articles I've read in a long time. According to
NW, the "once beautiful star" is frightening London with her "over-worked, Botoxed face" and is feeling "really old and tired". When not terrifying onlookers with her shocking appearance, the tragic figure apparently passes the time listening to her biological clock wind down. There's also the obligatory opinion from an expert plastic surgeon and some dubious quotes from a "friend of the pop star" (my guess is Jazzi P).
The main article is amazing but the hour by hour breakdown of Kylie's average day (above) is the real Pulitzer Prize winning material. Her daily routine allegedly begins with exhausting neck and face exercises. After that ordeal is over, she pops down to the local clinic to get Botox and Collagen injections. The poor bitch must buy the cheap stuff that wears off overnight! Next up is a trip to the recording studio, followed by a three hour dance workout. Is it even possible to do robotic hand movements for that long? That's actually the least of her problems. According to
New Weekly, Kylie's average lunch - and dinner - is a bowl of raw broccoli! Yes, apparently our national treasure survives on two serves of uncooked roughage a day! Maybe she could try wrapping the florets in a tasty lettuce leaf for that extra burst of flavour. I'm a firm believer that the truth is overrated but this is too much. Who is going to be held responsible when Dannii catches wind of this article and desperately follows Kylie's "routine" until she faints or turns green? I'm outraged! On a happier note, here is a pic (below) of Kylie in the studio... well, her feet at least. With demos being passed around the music industry - to rave reviews, no less - I think it's only a matter of time until we hear our first taste of XI. I can't wait!
New Weekly is my bible. Well, that and Famous because they once featured Heidi Montag on their best dressed list but I digress. The only thing that gets me out of bed on a Monday morning is the prospect of flipping through page after page of hard hitting journalism about fat celebrities, plastic surgery addicts and fame whores. Needless to say, I was particularly excited to see Dannii's older sister on the cover of last week's edition. Reading about Kylie's natural beauty is one of my favourite past times but nothing prepared me for this stunning exposé. Instead of pouring over pictures of my favourite singer's frozen forehead, I was mind raped by one of the most amusing 
The main article is amazing but the hour by hour breakdown of Kylie's average day (above) is the real Pulitzer Prize winning material. Her daily routine allegedly begins with exhausting neck and face exercises. After that ordeal is over, she pops down to the local clinic to get Botox and Collagen injections. The poor bitch must buy the cheap stuff that wears off overnight! Next up is a trip to the recording studio, followed by a three hour dance workout. Is it even possible to do robotic hand movements for that long? That's actually the least of her problems. According to New Weekly, Kylie's average lunch - and dinner - is a bowl of raw broccoli! Yes, apparently our national treasure survives on two serves of uncooked roughage a day! Maybe she could try wrapping the florets in a tasty lettuce leaf for that extra burst of flavour. I'm a firm believer that the truth is overrated but this is too much. Who is going to be held responsible when Dannii catches wind of this article and desperately follows Kylie's "routine" until she faints or turns green? I'm outraged! On a happier note, here is a pic (below) of Kylie in the studio... well, her feet at least. With demos being passed around the music industry - to rave reviews, no less - I think it's only a matter of time until we hear our first taste of XI. I can't wait!
No comments:
Post a Comment