Britney's New Video Is Criminal

I'm not here for a middle-aged prescription drug addict desperately trying to recapture her glory days by acting like a teenage slut.

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Elen Levon Covers Britney

With her debut single set to drop on September 30, Australian pop princess-in-waiting Elen Levon is ramping up the promo with a series of shows around the country. I caught the first of them on Friday night at Sydney's RNB Superclub and the 17-year-old delivered the goods, overcoming the dodgiest sound system in Australia. The setlist was pretty much the same as her recent industry showcase. She belted out a note-perfect rendition of "Naughty", while burning up the stage with her trademark killer choreography. It was amazing to see the audience response. One guy was literally crying and shaking. Elen has her first stan! The Year 11 student also dusted off the James Ash-penned "Like A Girl In Love" and "Ooh Yeah".

The big surprise of the night was the aspiring pop diva's energetic cover of Britney's "Til The World Ends". It seemed an appropriate choice given the comparisons that have been made between them. Elen did an amazing job with Ke$ha's quirky lyrics and Brit's robotic phrasing. In addition to performing the song live (something Ms Spears has never accomplished), she also knocked out some cute choreography with a little help from her always-flawless dancers Morgan and Carly. Listen to a one minute clip of the song below. The sound and visual quality isn't the best - it was taken on my crappy phone - but you get an idea of how the teenager's version turned out. "Naughty" hits iTunes this Friday. Pre-order your copy now!

Britney & Xtina: Behind The Tweets

Earlier today Christina Aguilera tweeted Britney Spears. The Maria Callas of miming replied. It was a moment that united fans around the world. A once in lifetime meeting of the minds. The long hoped for coming together of two formerly relevant pop culture icons. Like most people, I was too overwhelmed by raw emotion to properly process the exchange. At first glance Britney & Xtina: A Love Story is a heartwarming tale of mutual respect and self-promotion. But on closer inspection, a very different picture emerges.

Christina can do no wrong in my book since starring in one of the greatest movies of all time but bitch is no beginner when it comes to throwing shade. And it's hard to interpret "can't wait to see what you bring in the next video" as anything but a dig. The world's unluckiest drunk knows full well that Britney is passed out somewhere in a Xanax induced coma - only to be shaken awake by her handlers when duty calls. She can hardly stand, let alone bring anything.

Not to be outdone, her bitter rival (or the person pretending to be her on Twitter) sarcastically replies "can't wait to watch you on your new show". How dare Britney point out that Legendtina is now the Paula Abdul of generation Y? The dirrty one just died inside. As far as cuntish behaviour goes, flop fatale wins in a knockout!

Britney Vs Gaga

Lady Gaga: You are the joke of [the] music industry and your fans are fucking ridiculous.

Britney: Silly cunt, you wish your little monsters were like my loyal fans. I have fans [on] every street corner in every country, state and region. My fans range in different races, age and gender. Unlike yours who are just a bunch of 24 year old fat male trannies.

The most defining clip in the history of YouTube. The end.

I Will Hold This Against Britney

It's no secret that Britney makes me gag but I still give credit where credit's due. I can listen to two songs on "Circus" - "Unusual You" and "Kill The Lights" - without wanting to stab myself in the ear and I can even admit that she usually gives good video. From "Toxic" to "Womanizer", the person who makes Britney's decisions for her has done a great job of picking clever concepts and good directors. Unfortunately, they must have had the day off when Jonas Åkerlund pitched this. It was always going to be hard to come up with an interesting treatment for something as bland and generic as "Hold It Against Me" but surely there were better options. The extent of the clip's pointlessness becomes blindingly clear when you compare it to videos for other recent lead singles. Lady Gaga went down the dark and menacing route for "Bad Romance". Beyoncé kept it clean and simple on "Single Ladies". "All The Lovers" indulged Kylie's whimsical side and balloon fetish. Rihanna sat in a field and did her best to look feminine in "Only Girl (In The World)". All took a different approach but what they have in common is brilliant execution and a dollop of originality. Meanwhile Britney recycles Christina's "Fighter" video, while looking like Loretta Lynn trapped inside the first edition of Mortal Kombat. What the fuck?

I don't even know where to start with this trainwreck. You have a song Max Martin found at the bottom of his reject drawer after inadvertently giving all the good stuff to P!nk and Katy Perry. It's not great but it tackles a universal theme we can all identify with - wanting someone to rub their cock against you on the dancefloor. I'm not judging. We've all been there! So why not put Britney in a sexy dress, throw in some choreography that she can actually do and keep all the bells and whistles for her second single? Instead the clip begins with a meteor racing towards earth. Sure, whatever. Then Britney stands around looking like trash in unflattering cut off jeans, while her male dancers get dressed. Uh huh. But things spiral out of control the moment the former superstar starts spraying herself with Radiance. I'm all for product placement but that is beyond tacky. And unfortunately, it's all downhill from there.

We're treated to the diva ripping off Kylie's giant dress routine from the Fever tour - only instead of making her look pretty, the result is Loretta Lynn meets Madonna circa "Like A Virgin" on acid. And what's with that stupid tower of video screens? It looks cheap and whatever comment they were hoping to make about Britney's legacy completely passed me by. She then logs onto the "Plenty Of Fish" website. Which sounds familiar, probably because Jonas already used that idea in "Telephone". Whoops. At least he's only ripping off himself - unlike Melina. At approximately 1:40 the dancing begins. I've been looking forward to the choreography ever since Brian Friedman started blabbing about taking things to the next level. The end product, however, is more than a little embarrassing. All the difficult moves are done in long shot - quite obviously by Brit's dance double - and the close ups are not pretty. Have I missed something? Is she unwell again? I can't even be bothered writing about the rest of this shambolic mess. In a nutshell, Britney starts spraying paint like a sprinkler and fights herself using some of the most pitiful special effects ever captured on film. It doesn't help that one of her body doubles is clearly a man.

In conclusion, "Hold It Against Me" belongs in the worst video hall of shame next to "Get 'Em Girls" and "Feedback".

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Beyoncé, Britney & P!nk - Pepsi Promo

2004 was a good year. Ashlee Simpson unveiled her seminal classic "Autobiography", Gwen Stefani went solo and there was still some hope that La Toya would actually start over. It also delivered one of my favourite promotional campaigns of all time. Pepsi had been pouring millions of dollars into advertising to bridge the gap with Coke since the mid-80s. Michael Jackson was their original poster boy, the Spice Girls took over in the 90s and Shakira brought in the new millenium. You would have thought the only way was down but the soft drink giant went all out in 2004 by hiring the services of Beyoncé, Enrique Iglesias and a couple of down on their luck has-beens (Britney & P!nk).

The concept was completely ridiculous. My future husband played a Roman emperor who sits down to watch his gaggle of busty beauties fight it out in the Colosseum. However, the tables are turned and poor Enrique ends up being attacked by a lion - that is, of course, after being treated to an impromptu rendition of Queen's "We Will Rock You" by Honey B and her backing singers. They should have turned this shit into a feature film! I love the way Beyoncé steals the show with her raw sex appeal (despite that fugly headpiece) and vastly superior vocals. It was so nice of the charitable diva to carry the other hacks who were struggling with flop albums at the time. Better yet were the promo CDs. Pepsi released four that I'm aware of - one for each of the girls and a fourth with the whole group. Hell, Solange even got a look in on the Bey edition! Check out the commercial (below). Time has not wearied its fabulousness.

Emily Osment > Miley + Britney = Fact

Jacques (The Prophet) has been spamming my inbox with Emily for the past few weeks. At first, I thought she was just another one of his horrible obsessions (like Tea Tea or Kimberly Wyatt) and ignored him but I eventually gave in. And I'm kind of glad I did. In case you're not a 15 year old girl or as gay as I am, Emily Osment is best known for playing Miley's friend Lily in the Hannah Montana series. And like every other ho on the Disney channel, someone thought it would be a great idea to give her a record deal. Not that I'm complaining. Emily is definitely up there with the legendary Ashley Tisdale and genre defining Vanessa Hudgens as one of the best C List teen sensations ever to release an autotuned flop.

Unfortunately, the aspriring diva's latest single "Let's Be Friends" has been making waves online for all the wrong reasons. Some deluded haters have accused Emily of jumping on Miley's teen whore bandwagon by sexing it up on her second album, while jealous Brit Brit fans have declared the song a "Radar" rip off. Bitches, please. Miley wishes she had Emily's raw sex appeal and as for that alleged sex offender, "Let's Be Friends" is better than 80% of "Circus" - so back the fuck off! Disappointingly, the new Queen of teen pop can't seem to give her shit away but don't let that stop you reveling in her fabulous glory. Emily's jam is seriously catchy and would probably be #1 for weeks if someone less talented recorded it. Emilegend, we love you!

Wasted Singles - Vol. 1

I guess the title of this post speaks for itself. How often do you hear a song and think why wasn't that a released as a single? If you're anything like me, the answer is all the time! In order to vent my frustration I thought I'd start collating some my favourite hits that never were from the past couple of years. Record companies usually get it right but occasionally I'm left scratching my head, wondering what the fuck happened. Kylie fans, in particular, know this pain all too well. I'm still bitter that her urban masterpiece "One Boy Girl" never received its moment in the sun! Anyway, my first selection will probably come as a bit of a surprise. It's no secret that Britney's enduring popularity is a complete mystery to me. She can't sing, has less charisma than a cardboard box and dresses like a single mother from Bankstown. Even Cassie Davis has more going for her! So it's one of life's great ironies then that my favourite person in the entire world stans for Britney. As a result, I've been exposed to dangerously high levels of Brit Brit and even learned to endure appreciate some of her music. I doubt the former Mouseketeer will ever top the brilliance of 1999's "Born To Make You Happy" but one track on her last album comes very close.

Baby, you're so unusual
Didn't anyone tell you you're supposed to
Break my heart, I expect you to
So why haven't you?

"Unusual You" is easily the best song on "Circus" (for the record "Kill The Lights" comes a distant second). Without that track the album would be a pointless re-hash of "Blackout" - only with deep and meaningful modern poetry like "If U Seek Amy" and "Lace And Leather". Oh and let's not forget the inspirational feminist anthem "Mmm Papi". In all fairness, none of my favourite divas are known for their hard hitting social commentary or insight into the human condition but "Circus" is a curiously soulless affair. I guess that's why "Unusual You" stands out like LeToya Luckett at a Beyoncé concert. It has heart. Songs about relationships generally fall into two categories - spiteful/empowering/depressing/uplifting (choose your own adjective) break up anthems or sugary sweet ballads that make you want to vomit. "Unusual You" strikes an interesting middle ground. The lyrics come from a rather bleak and world weary place but there's a guarded optimism that I find touching. There's something inherently relatable and real about the hopes and doubts expressed in the song - a rare accomplishment indeed. I particularly like Bloodshy & Avant's production. It's so dark and detailed. There are rumours that "Unusual You" started life as Miike Snow's "In Search Of" and while there are similarities, I'm glad Bloodshy & Avant decided to keep that for themselves. The world isn't ready for indie-electro Britney just yet! So why was the track overlooked in favour of shit like "If U Seek Amy" and that idiotic re-release of "Radar"? My guess is a mix of stupidity and contractual obligations. "Unusual You" was briefly promoted to radio in Australia as the fifth single from "Circus" but was pulled at the last minute to make way for "3". It's a shame because "Unusual You" shows a different side of Britney. A side that I think I could grow to like.