The Beyoncé Doll From Hell

WHAT THE FUCK?

Beyoncé Has The Hottest Fans

EXHIBIT A

Who Runs YouTube?

"Run The World (Girls)" has just passed 100,000,000 views on YouTube. Swallow that bitter pill, haters! While not a record by any means - Justin Bieber's "Baby" has been viewed 600,000,000+ times - more people have tuned in to watch Bey's Tofo Tofo dance and growling hyenas than Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" or Britney's "Hold It Against Me". Not bad for a song that only reached #29 in America. This is further proof for me that the schizophrenic jam was ahead of its time. People just couldn't get their head around it but were fascinated enough to keep coming back for more. Which explains why it's still hanging around iTunes all these months later and creeping towards a platinum certification in the States. Re-live the wonder of a goddess at the top of her game below.

Beyoncé Throws The Best Party EVER

From the post-apocalyptic drama of "Run The World (Girls)" to the zero-budget performance video for "Love On Top", Beyoncé has delivered a bit of everything this era. And while I definitely like some of the concepts more ("Countdown") than others ("1+1"), the videos have all suited the material and shown off Queen B's legendary versatility. It seems fitting then that she keep the best for last.

Actually, that's not quite right. "Party" isn't the best video from "4" - that would be "Countdown" or "Run The World (Girls)" - but it's my favourite. I love it when Bey lets her mask slip a bit and has a bit of fun. Like when she raided the liquor cabinet in "Why Don't You Love Me?" before dusting her 16 Grammys. Sometimes I think the most successful artist of the millennium over thinks things in the pursuit of excellence, so it's nice for her to take a step back and deliver this rambling, yet incredibly enjoyable, mess. Which she directed herself. Respect.

The concept:

Beyoncé throws a party in a trailer park and invites over a bunch of friends that include her superstar sister Solange, former Destiny's Child bandmate Kelly Rowland and rapper J.Cole.

Why it works:

1. The clip suits the lyrics perfectly. This is a party I would love to attend... if only to see Bey mow the lawn stilettos and little else.

2. It is a high-camp extravaganza. This is what I imagine a street party thrown by the cast of RuPaul's Drag Race would look like. Hair rollers and short shorts as far as the eye can see.

3. Kelly Rowland's presence adds some serious star power to the proceedings!

4. The sight of Beyoncé doing her make-up on the toilet. Millie Jackson approves.

5. Ghetto fabulous fashion that will make your head spin.

6. Excerpts from the diva's "Year Of 4" documentary add to the clip's homespun charm. It's completely unnecessary but cracks me up.

7. The trashy Cassie look-a-like.

The negatives:

Michelle Williams' invitation was obviously lost in the mail. Rude.

The verdict:

Move aside, BB Homemaker. Trailer park Betty is the new Queen of my heart.

10/10

Beyoncé's Urban Smash Gets J.Cole Remix & Lil' Kim's Approval

Beyoncé's "4" campaign is already more complicated than Inception with three different singles being promoted simultaneously but things are about to get even weirder when two versions of her current urban smash go to radio. While "Party" took a while to grow on me, the song has since become a firm favourite. I also think it could turn out to be something of a sleeper hit. The slick Kanye West-produced slow jam is exploding on R&B radio (see below) and is winning unexpected fans. Like the legendary Lil' Kim, who was recently filmed getting down to the track on her tour bus. Could your fave have this effect on rap royalty? The overwhelmingly positive response to "Party" makes the decision to butcher it all the more perplexing.

I'm not a huge fan of André 3000 but his rap makes the song for me. It's quirky and gives "Party" an unexpected '90s feel that sets it apart from the rest of the field. While remixes are nothing new, switching the featured artist for radio is a bit unusual. Don't get me wrong. I like J.Cole - a lot more than I like the former Outkast frontman - but his version is a bit stilted. Maybe I'm just used to the original. In any case, we'd better get used to it because J.Cole appears in the video alongside fellow R&B legends Kelly Rowland and Solange. That opus premieres tomorrow in America (so Wednesday over here). I'm already crying and shaking in anticipation! Here's the new version "Party" to get you ready.

Love On Top - Video Review

Before reviewing Beyoncé's latest video triumph, I think I should try to explain the "4" campaign - if that's even possible - because a lot people have been asking me why there are so many videos. Here goes:

1. Run The World (Girls) - First Single
2. Best Thing I Never Had - Second Single
3. 1 + 1 - Random Promo Video
4. Countdown - Third US Single (Pop)
5. Love On Top - Third Aus/NZ Single
6. Party - Third US Single (R&B/Urban)

It's all a bit confusing but as far as Australia is concerned, "Love On Top" is currently the focus. Which makes today's video release rather timely given the song's top 20 position on iTunes - mainly on the back of radio airplay. So has Queen B delivered another era-defining visual masterpiece to assist her latest smash-in-waiting? The short answer is no. Has she dropped a fun clip that still slays your fave with its good-natured simplicity? Yep.

As I hinted in my "Love On Top" preview post, this is a cheap and cheerful affair. The clip looks like it was filmed on Solange's iPhone with a $10 budget but that is part of its considerable charm. The no frills approach suits the song's retro-sound and puts the emphasis back on the music. An approach that admittedly would end the careers of non-singers like Rihanna and Britney. However, in Bey's talented hands, it works a treat. I love the cute dance routine and the Earth Wind & Fire-tastic costume changes. That final outfit is visual Viagra and her hair-whipping at the end will be copied by drag queens for decades to come.

And now for the haters because they love my blog:

1. Bey uses a microphone. I believe this has been done before.
2. There is a boyband theme. Again, boybands existed prior to this clip.
3. This is an obvious nod to New Edition and Boyz II Men. Who also danced in an empty room.
4. She is wearing a leather cap. Homosexuals did this first.
5. Kylie also spent no money on her "Better Than Today" clip.
6. Beyoncé wears a top hat and tails, which clearly copies every woman who has ever appeared on Broadway in the past 100 years.
7. She breathes air in this clip. An activity previously captured on film.

9/10

A Double Standard Beyoncé And Kelly?

Beyoncé has copped a hiding in the media this week for using ten seconds of choreography from the Belgian ballet 'Rosas danst Rosas' in her amazing 'Countdown' video.

Meanwhile, it turns out that Kelly Rowland's 'Lay It On Me' video is an exact replica of Livvi Franc's 'Now I'm That Bitch' - albeit with more obvious cock references - but that revelation has been greeted with overwhelming silence.

Why the double standard?

It's obvious that picking on Bey has become something of a hobby for certain blogs because she generates traffic for them but play fair.

The great irony is that 'Countdown' clearly pays homage to women in musicals from different eras - be it Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face, Debbie Allen in Fame or that nobody in the obscure ballet that three people had seen until last week.

Kelly, on the other hand, just recycled the work of one of her contemporaries - down to the latex strips and adults-only human pyramid.

And it's not like Livvi Franc is an old or obscure artist.

"Now I'm That Bitch" was a number one club hit in the US two years ago and the stunning diva even conversed with me to promote that epic club-banger in one of my favourite interviews!

Now tell me, who showed imagination and creativity and who is the sticky-fingered thief?

The difference according to some commentators is the fact that the same woman directed 'Now I'm That Bitch' and 'Lay It On Me'.

But by that reasoning shouldn't the blame for 'Countdown' be placed squarely on Adria Petty's shoulders? It's not like Beyoncé directed it herself.

Instead, she had the decency to admit that the ballet was a reference and went about her business.

What does Ms Kelly have to say for herself? Nothing.

The thing is I don't blame her either. I'm sure she didn't want to release an exact copy of a rival's video. But this shit happens because everything has been done before.

It just seems that some people are put to a higher standard due to their record-breaking career and legacy as the millennium's greatest talent.

Watch 'Now I'm That Bitch' and 'Lay It On Me' to see true recycling in action.

VS

Pictures via Necole Bitchie.

Ms Kelly's Soft Porn Opus

Now that Beyoncé is up the duff and living in semi-seclusion to avoid pressed haters, the baton has been passed to Ms Kelly to keep R&B alive until her return. And the soul legend isn't letting a moment go to waste. She established herself as Aretha Franklin for 2011 on the hyper-sexual "Motivation" and continues slay sad pretenders like Rihanna on "Lay It On Me". The seventh second single from "Here I Am" is an all-conquering club-banger that should appeal to fans put off by the slow groove of her last hit. It's not as ground-breaking as anything on "4" (or Michelle's "Love Gun" for that matter) but Kelendria has dished up another hit.

Slick production, Big Sean and a chorus more infectious than the STD she caught filming the video make "Lay It On Me" a radio-ready smash. And let's face it, those softcore antics can't hurt. Bey's BFF makes a fool of herself grinding on a bunch of half-naked men (think Kylie's "All The Lovers" as produced by Titan Media) and cavorting with an elephant but it's so over-the-top, it kind of works. I particularly like the incredibly unsubtle phallic imagery that runs through the clip. Let's just say no mother is going to buy their child a slinky ever again after seeing this hot mess. Ms Kelly, you've done it again!

Love On Top - A Tribute To La Toya

Christmas came early yesterday. Not only did Sunday Night - a dire Australian current affairs program - screen an interview with Beyoncé, they also debuted her "Love On Top" video. Well, a 90 second preview. Not that I'm complaining. I almost choked on a Tim Tam when the clip started. We all know there are videos for "Party" and "End Of Time" gathering dust on Bey's hard drive but I honestly doubted the existence of this one. Surely it would have made more sense to release it straight after the VMAs. You know, when the song was top 10 on iTunes. But better late than never. After overcoming the shock, I had a stunning epiphany. "Love On Top" is clearly a tribute to fellow pop icon La Toya Jackson. It makes sense. They are both peerless beauties, powerhouse vocalists and big in Poland. Furthermore, Bey said that "4" was inspired by R&B legends like Prince and Stevie Wonder. She obviously just forgot to mention Toy Toy. Here are 5 undeniably compelling reasons why "Love On Top" is a moving homage to the thinking man's Jackson.

1. That cap

This was a dead giveaway. When you think about cap wearing mega-stars, who automatically springs to mind? La Toya Jackson. The raven-haired goddess made leather caps the ultimate fashion trend of the 1980s for gay men and soul singers. I'm so glad Bey is bringing it back!

2. Breathtaking choreography

One look at La Toya's "Bad Girl" video (above) proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is the true dancing machine of the Jackson clan. So naturally the most successful artist of the millennium threw in a compelling routine to honour Toy's ground-breaking contribution to modern dance.

3. The Motown sound

"Love On Top" harks back to the sweet soul of Motown - a genre synonymous with La Toya. Listen to her exquisite cover of "Stop In The Name Of Love" if you require further convincing.

4. Her outfit

I thought Bey's leotard looked familiar. She was obviously rifling through Matthew's old VHS collection and found a well-used copy of Toy's Playboy video. The resemblance is uncanny!

5. The low-budget production

Seriously, the only thing cheaper than "Love On Top" is Toy Toy's exquisite "(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do". And like that 80s classic, the visual fits the song perfectly and still slays all your faves. The end.

Watch in awe as Bey tackles Toy's legacy below.

Beyoncé - Countdown - Video Review

While Rihanna is busy running around an Irish field with her National Geographic tits flapping in the breeze in a desperate bid to hype her "We Found Love" film clip, Beyoncé has just delivered a one-woman workshop on how to make a timeless music video. Five months pregnant and fully clothed. I guess that's how you separate a great artist from a label puppet but I digress. "Countdown" is everything the glorious preview promised and more. Blending influences as disparate as Charlie Chaplin and Fame, the Adria Petty-directed extravaganza is an unexpectedly bright and colourful ride through Mod fashion, 50s musicals and 80s pop art. It might sound like overkill but the video flows seamlessly from scene to scene, assisted by the stop-and-start nature of the song. The thread that holds the whole thing together is the sense of joy that Bey exudes in every frame. I don't know if it's impending motherhood or just the knowledge that she's better than your faves but this woman is seriously happy. And it shows. As for highlights, there are too many to mention - "Countdown" is bliss from beginning to end - but here are a few random thoughts about the best video of 2011:

1. Beyoncé is a gay man in a woman's body. Her knowledge and appreciation of movie musicals is a complete give away. She revisited Sweet Charity in "Get Me Bodied", famously recreated Bob Fosse's Mexican Breakfast dance routine in "Single Ladies" and now serves up lashings of Funny Face and Bye Bye Birdie.

2. Speaking of Funny Face, has the most successful artist of the millennium ever looked more beautiful than when she channels Audrey Hepburn in that black turtleneck and slacks combination?

3. Jazz hands are back!

4. I love that Bey made a point of showing off her baby bump. Most divas would be hiding behind a flowing curtain in a dark room by this stage but her pride at being up the duff just adds to the video's already off-the-chart feel-good quotient.

5. Those crazy facial expressions give me life.

6. The Bye Bye Birdie dance sequence is amazing. At first I was perplexed by the sped-up choreography but it gives the scene a dream-like quality that makes the jumps between different eras and outfits work.

7. It's truly heartwarming that B.B. Homemaker could sober up long enough to drop by for a cameo - wearing her hateful husband's stylish pink business shirt no less.

8. I stan for the random school band!

9. The small army of Beyoncé clones on the steps is a clear nod to Adria Petty's own "Sweet Dreams" video.

10. Whoever edited this deserves an award. It's so intricate and perfectly put together.

11. "Halo" even gets a reference in the dance studio scene! It's so cute in a Fame-gone-right kind of way. However, that hair... girl, Ms Kelly called and wants her "Simply Deep" wig back.

12. Best outfit goes to the chain-metal dress at the end.

13. Who knew that white socks and black pumps could look so fetching?

14. The final shot of Bey smiling adorably sums the whole clip up. This is a delirious love letter of a video that gets the serotonin pumping through your system like the first day of summer.

15. How is "Party" ever going to top this?

10/10

Bey's Life-Changing Countdown Preview

It's official. Beyoncé's greatness is boundless. While the rest of the game is churning out half-arsed videos that look like they've been filmed on a friend's iPhone, the most successful artist of the millennium is producing visual art. In the 16-time Grammy-winner's latest clip, she pays tribute to the late, great Audrey Hepburn and uses split screens to accompany the numeric countdown in the chorus. It's crisp, clever and further proof that the ex-DC diva is in a league of her own when it comes to blending influences. Damn. Bey slayed your rancid fave in 30 seconds. I guess it sucks to be you right now.

Another Flawless Destiny's Child Fashion Moment

Could your faves?

Beyoncé's Mystery Third Single

As much as I worship at the alter of "4", there's no denying that the album's promo campaign is the year's hottest mess. "Run The World (Girls)" sat on iTunes for a month with no video or promotion before being thrown away like a used condom after Bey's iconic BBMA performance/ground-breaking Oprah appearance. She then rushed out "Irreplaceable 2011" within weeks - but not before performing "1+1" on American Idol and "End Of Time" at the BET Awards. "Best Thing" didn't exactly set the charts on fire but it was a top 3 hit in the UK and climbed into the US top 20. However, instead of performing it at the VMAs, Queen B announced her pregnancy by belting out "Love On Top" despite naming "Party" as a possible single and releasing a random video for "1+1". Is anyone else confused?

I kind of love that Beyoncé is promoting the album as a whole instead of focusing on individual singles but this is getting ridiculous. "Love On Top" exploded on US iTunes after baby-gate but has steadily fallen with no promotion or video. Meanwhile "Best Thing" has got a second lease of life on urban radio - it's currently sitting at #2 - and "Party" is finally starting to gain some traction. That jam debuted on the urban airplay chart this week at #37. In Australia it's just as confusing. "1+1" is on high rotation on Channel V, Max and MTV but "Love On Top" is rocketing up iTunes after the diva's surprise appearance on X Factor. For the record, I think "Love On Top" or "End Of Time" are good choices for single number three but I'd be happy with anything. I'd just like to know!

On the bright side, Bey can take some comfort in the fact that she hasn't been reduced to opening for Chris Brown like Ms Kelly. Her former Destiny's Child bandmate looked at bit worse for wear in Toronto - maybe she finally saw the sales figures of "Here I Am" - but I'm glad she's still out there working it. As Khia would say - get money, bitch! And damn, if she doesn't have four of the hottest male dancers in the business. Fast forward to the one minute mark for the year's best sausage fest. Someone is going to lose an eye!

Songs of the (American) Summer

In case you're wondering what I've been listening to for the past couple of months, here are ten tracks that formed the soundtrack to my American trip. They are clearly all defining anthems of the highest quality, so don't pay too much attention to the rankings. An honourable mention should go to DJ Khaled's "I'm On One", which I was obsessed with for a couple of weeks before coming to my senses.

10. Say Yes - Nicole Scherzinger (Listen)

After years of throwing around insults like Shitzinger and Flopzinger, Nicole turned out to be a total sweetheart when I met her at a showcase. To make matters worse, "Killer Love" is one of the year's best pop albums and I'm now another crappy, soft porn video away from becoming a Scherzy stan. How fucking depressing! One of the highlights from her stunning opus is "Say Yes" and I probably listened to one hundred times over the past couple of months. RedOne finally gave something decent to someone other than Gaga!

9. Just A Kiss - Lady Antebellum (Video)

I've always had a soft spot for the world's most successful country act but hearing "Just A Kiss" on the radio every day in LA sealed the deal. This gorgeous mid-tempo ballad walks the line between pop and country with the grace and skill of 90s Shania. Bring on the album. I'm sick of waiting!

8. Motivation - Kelly Rowland (Video)

Ms Kelly's fuck anthem was unavoidable in the States. Ladies from Alaska to Alabama are raining over their newly inspired men thanks to the latest jam from the most successful (on the R&B airplay chart) child of destiny. I've already written about "Motivation" but it's still pushing my buttons all these months later.

7. Bang Bang Bang - Selena Gomez (Listen)

All hail Selegend! The thinking man's Disney diva is not only riding the holy cock of Biebus, she's also revolutionising popular music with her triumphant album of Britney rejects "When The Sun Goes Down". While everything Selena touches turns to gold, my favourite song on her third offering is pre-release buzz single "Bang Bang Bang". Sure it rips off La Roux and highlights the fact that 18-year-old multiple Grammy winner (in waiting) has a thinner voice than LeAnn Rimes' bikini body but I dare you not to love it.

6. Let Me Down/Dark Side - Kelly Clarkson

The landslide of Kelly Clarkson demos to hit the net in 2011 is extraordinary. Almost as startling as the American Idol winner's inability to lock her computer when ducking out for a McDonald's run is the high quality of the songs. "Let Me Down" and "Dark Side" are brilliant pop/rock anthems with hit potential. Which makes her decision to go with "Mr Know It All" (AKA that shit Bruno Mars B-side) all the more perplexing. Pray that these tracks make the album.

5. Remind Me - Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwoood (Video)

The best country duet since "Islands In The Stream". Enough said.

4. Lift Off - The Throne featuring Beyoncé

Queen B - most successful artist of the millenium and the slayer of your faves - lends her exquisite vocals to her hubby and VMA defender's joint project "Watch The Throne". I find it a difficult album to get into but "Lift Off" clicked intantly. I love the epic feel, the almost retro 60s vibe that runs through it. And Bey tears up that beautiful chorus like a diva possesed. Rihanna lost her wig just listening to this on the radio.

3. Inescapable - Jessica Mauboy (Video)

Earlier this year I met Jess and told her to stop releasing shit singles from an otherwise great pop album. Instead of throwing a drink in my face, she kind of agreed and said she wanted to release "Maze" but was going with a new song called "Inescapable" written by Dianne Warren. I assumed it would be a ballad but I couldn't have been more wrong. This is pure 80s bubblegum pop and I love every second of it. It's her first song with true international appeal since "Burn". Welcome back, baby.

2. Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People (Video)

Someone told me this jam is actually about a vigilante killer, which is upsetting because it's my happy song. Hearing this on the radio in America never failed to put a smile on my face. I love the quirky little hooks and the fact that it sounds like it was recorded on someone's iPhone. As for the lyrics, I don't understand them, and to be honest, I don't really care. As far as I'm concerned this song is about wearing shiny new shoes or something equally lame.

1. Gucci Gucci - Kreayshawn (below)

The only femcee worth her fake nails broke big this summer. Kreayshawn made the transition from YouTube sensation to genuine pop star with less fuss than anyone in history. "Gucci Gucci" was unavoidable in America and I'm still obsessed. Time will tell if she's a one hit wonder or the next Nicki Minaj but, for the moment, I'm too busy laughing at her amazing rhymes to care. The basic bitches have been put in their place and for that we should all be very grateful!

Beyoncé 4 - Album Review

In a world where a purveyor of cheap urban-dance trash like Rihanna can be honoured with an award for best female R&B singer (over Marsha Ambrosius and Jennifer Hudson no less), it's little wonder that Beyoncé's "4" has many fans and critics scratching their heads. This is an album that refuses to contribute to the slow and depressing death of soul music. With the exception of "Run The World (Girls)", which sounds like it was tacked on as a last-minute afterthought to give Beyoncé something to perform on Oprah, there are no tacky urban-dance hybrids or sample heavy club bangers. Instead, "4" looks back to the sweet soul music of the 70s for inspiration (think Diana Ross, Stevie Wonder and the Jackson 5) with surprising splashes of 80s synths that could have been lifted straight from Prince's "Purple Rain".

It's a heady mix of pretty ballads, sexy slow jams and funk-heavy floorfillers that prove you don't need to recycle the same old beats to make people move. The emphasis is on meaningful lyrics and quality vocals - giving "4" a timeless feel. I've always loved Queen B's voice but it's a revelation here. She resists the temptation to oversing - displaying a raw emotion that was missing from her earlier work. Bey's transition from pop star to the saviour of R&B is as sincere as it is convincing. Singers often talk about reinventing themselves but very few have undergone this kind of radical change. There are rumours that the Columbia Records begged the diva to re-record "4" but she refused. I hope it's true. This is Beyoncé's coming of age. Her "Impossible Princess".

While the album is low on radio ready smash hits, this is by far her most cohesive work. It might not sell like "I Am... Sasha Fierce" (although I have a suspicion it might end up surprising everyone) but she doesn't need top 10 hits to stay relevant. Beyoncé's status as the greatest entertainer on the planet is assured regardless of chart position. Tacky remixes and shock tactic are better left to riff raff like Rihanna and Britney. Bey is clearly more interested in making great music and there's plenty of it on "4". This is as close to flawless as modern music gets. Think the ballad disc of "I Am... Sasha Fierce" mixed with the best of "B'Day" to get some idea of the genius that awaits you. Here is my track by track review of 2011's best album.

1+1

"4" is a soft, lingering kiss of an album. While lesser divas release songs about S&M, threesomes and disco-stick riding, Beyoncé brings the romance. Jay Z must be doing something right because his woman is seriously loved up. When I first heard "1+1" on American Idol I got chills. When I heard the aching beautiful backstage rehearsal, I had pretty much settled on Bey's album opener as my wedding waltz. The usual cynics have ridiculed the lyrics and, while I agree that the song occasionally veers into soppy territory, so does Adele's "Someone Like You". But she's fat and British - so I guess that's ok then. All that "I wish nothing but the best for you" bullshit. Bitch, please. You just stalked his arse! But I digress. "1+1" reminds me of a pared back Alicia Keys track with a slight twist of country. I love the guitar. I love Bey's vocal. I love the whole damn thing and wish it was a single. A live version needs to be released because it's ten times better.

I Care

This took a couple of listens to click with me. Produced by Jeff Bhasker (best known for his work with Kanye West), "I Care" is a strange song. It's quite dark in sound and subject matter. Think of it as the clinically depressed cousin of Kylie's "Better The Devil You Know". Beyoncé pretty much pleads with her man to stay even though she knows he doesn't really give a shit about her. Not exactly an upbeat radio hit then. But after a couple of listens, "I Care" really worms its way into your head. I loved the menacing brass, quirky hooks and layered vocals. The chorus couldn't be more simple but it is oddly hypnotic. This is turning out to be something of a fan favourite, so I guess it appeals to the pathetic, lovesick loser in all of us. Not single material in my book.

I Miss You

I'm probably alone here but "I Miss You" is my favourite song on "4". The lyrics to this subtle love letter of a song could have lifted from my journal - and knowing Bey's sticky fingers, they probably were! Joking! There's a rawness and honesty to "I Miss You" that cuts straight through me. Beyoncé pulls right back and almost whispers her way through the bittersweet, confused lyrics. "It hurts my pride to tell you how I feel but I still need to - why is that?" Bey muses. Girl, if you find the answer, let me know. Billboard's most successful artist of the millennium is really opening up and taking off the strong, independent woman mask that defined her previous albums. I love this new soft side and think Frank Ocean - who is currently having a hit of his own with "Novocane" - deserves a lot of credit for helping bring that out. The production here is minimal but precise and perfectly suited to the song. We need to thank Solange for introducing her slightly more successful sister to Shea Taylor. He worked wonders on "Hadley Street Dreams" and should be forced to contribute to all Knowles albums from now on.

Best Thing I Never Had

What can you say about the album's second single? The Babyface penned ballad is the safest track here. It is basically a rehash of "Irreplaceable" for 2011 but that doesn't make it a bad song. I personally wish she had gone with "End Of Time" or "Countdown" or even "1+1" after "Run The World (Girls)" but, after a slow start, this appears to be doing the trick. It's sitting at number one on UK iTunes and is starting to make serious inroads on the Billboard Hot 100. The main thing that "Best Thing I Never Had" has going for it - apart from a sublime vocal performance and meaty chorus - is the universality of the lyrics. I think the lyrics strike a chord with people and the understated production makes it sound fresh in comparison to overproduced ballads like "California King Bed" and "Impossible". It's also a total grower. I like this more every time I hear it. Fingers crossed the video is a monster. There's a lot riding on the success of this song.

Party (featuring André 3000)

Kanye brings his usual swagger to this fun excursion into hip-hop/pop territory. I love the summery feel and deceptively sexy lyrics. That line about milk dripping down to her knees makes me blush! I love that Bey finally gets to unleash a little and show off some of her crazy range. She sounds amazing on the fun chorus and it's nice to hear her sing something frivolous after the highly emotional songs that come before it. The André 3000 rap initially feels a little disjointed but Kanye is a mad scientist of the highest calibre and he brings it all together nicely. Despite the love "Party" is receiving from fans, I hope it's not a single. One "Videophone" - ie. the worst single in her career - is enough for Bey! It is a great album track though and I keep coming back to it.

Rather Die Young

This song slays me. It's such a staggeringly fierce diva anthem. Co-written and co-produced by Australia's Luke Steele (of Empire Of The Sun fame), "Rather Die Young" would have effortlessly slotted into any early 70s Diana Ross album. "You're my James Dean, you make me feel like I'm 17" croons Bey before launching full throttle into the chorus. I ache for the way she sings "I'd rather not live AT ALL than live my life without you". It's Motown. It's big hair. It's sequined-gown fabulousness. Unfortunately, Beyoncé hasn't been performing this in her festival gigs, which is a real shame. I think this is a complete anthem and one of the album's most striking songs. It's romantic, oozes soul and gets stuck in your head after the first listen. Drag queens will be performing this for decades to come. Exquisite.

Start Over

Beyoncé turned to the giants of yesteryear for inspiration on "4", so it's no surprise to see her channel R&B legend La Toya Jackson on "Start Over". Not only is the title a clear homage to Toy's recent autobiography soundtrack EP, the sound has the same breezy, tropical sound that she coined in the early 80s. The only difference is the tone. There is something quite sinister about "Start Over", which is strange because it is a love song. Written by hit machine Esther Dean, this is - surprisingly given her involvement and Shea Taylor's beautiful La Toya inspired production - easily my least favourite song on the album. It's like the R&B equivalent of Enya. Pretty and soothing but ultimately forgettable and kind of pointless. "Start Over" is pleasant filler that really should have been replaced by one of the brilliant bonus tracks.

Love On Top

If bright and happy Bey is your thing, then look no further. "Love On Top" is one of the cutest songs of 2011. It's a retrotastic mid-tempo jam with sweet lyrics like "your lips taste like a night of champagne". A lot of fans are calling for this to be a single. I think the old school, Motown inspired production would scare radio programmers but I'm on board just to see what she comes up with in the video. For me the highlight of this deliriously romantic pop song is the vocal. Beyoncé sounds like Mariah circa "Emotions". You know when she would throw that dog whistle around on the occasional uptempo number. Her voice gets the full workout from soft whispers all the way through to a wail that would make Mimi proud. Like many songs on "4", I think "Love On Top" is probably too niche to be a massive hit but if it clicks with you then this will probably be your ring tone for the next two years. I love it.

Countdown

After a slight dip, "4" gathers serious steam with the mind-blowingly amazing "Countdown". This is everything "Get Me Bodied" wanted to be but couldn't quite pull off. Don't get me wrong. I love that jam but it needed a beefier chorus and slightly less drag-tastic lyrics to be the chart-ruling anthem Bey needed at the time. "Countdown", on the other hand, has a glorious sing-a-long chorus that sits perfectly between the fierce verses that spill some of the best lyrics in recent memory. It's hard to pick a favourite line but "all up in the kitchen in my heels - dinner time!" and "grind up on him, gurl - show him how you ride it!" would be right up there. Props to Esther Dean. Another highlight is the Boys II Men sample. Shea Taylor hasn't gone overboard (like Switch on "Run The World"!) but it's great to hear "Uhh Ahh" reborn into something as fresh and fun. With the right video and dance routine, I can see "Countdown" being a huge hit. Rihanna could never.

End Of Time

Keep your fingers crossed that this is the third single. I have to admit that "End Of Time" took a while to click with me - the brooding, extended intro distracted me - but this is "Run The World (Girls)" done right. It's a truly original blend of genres and sounds that sounds like it was concocted by a mad scientist in a lab somewhere. I love the driving drums, heavy brass and fierce vocal. This is breathtaking pop music that pushes boundaries and More important that the killer beats (courtesy of Diplo and Switch ie. Major Lazer), are the lyrics. This song is upbeat, catchy and meaningful. Bey sings:

Come take my hand, I won't let you go
I'll be your friend, I will love you so (deeply)
I will be the one to kiss you at night
I will love you until the end of time

And my heart melts. This is the album's big hit if done right. Beyoncé's performance of the song at Glastonbury was some next level shit. All she needs to do is repeat that on a handful of American talkshows and she has her number one hit.

I Was Here

I don't know about "I Was Here". The idea of Diane Warren and Ryan Tedder contributing to the same song makes my blood run cold. The potential for saccharine lyrics and recycled beats is enough to make Celine come out of retirement. The finished product, however, is surprisingly understated. It is a pretty song but I think someone who is yet to achieve greatness - like Lady Gaga or Katy Perry - should have sung it. This is about leaving your mark on the world. Bey had already achieved that by the age of 19. I do like that she gets to unleash her powerful pipes but again this is one of the songs I would have swapped with one of the killer bonus tracks. Not bad but not as good as the quite similar (in theme and production) "Save The Hero" from "I Am... Sasha Fierce".

Run The World (Girls)

What can you say about this mess? It sounds like five songs thrown into a blender without a chorus. Bey now has a lock on the award for the least commercial lead single of all time. I still think this was tacked onto the album to give her something "anthemic" to sing on Oprah and the BBMAs because it doesn't fit the rest of album at all. The strange this is - I genuinely love "Run The World (Girls)". At first I think I was just trying to convince myself that it was good because, well, it's Bey but now I think it's completely iconic. I love those crazy Major Lazer beats and the lyrics still make me laugh. Ghetto Bey brings it hard singing about girl power and not being faded. That combined with a crazy post-apocalyptic girls gone wild video complete with the pantsula dance choreography makes for one crazy arse package. For better or worse it's probably my favourite song of 2011.

Bonus Tracks

I hate it when artists keep all their best shit for the bonus tracks but Bey is well and truly guilty. Make sure you get the deluxe edition - you have no choice in Australia - it's definitely worth it.

Lay Up Under Me

This is probably the album's most commercial track. Co-written by Stargate and Sean Garrett, "Lay Up Under Me" is another blindingly romantic love song about making your man happy. Only instead of being a standard ballad, it's a quirky mid-tempo affair complete with trumpets and a cute chorus that harks back to the late 80s. "Lay Up Under Me" is flawless pop music. I love the slick production and Bey delivers another exquisite vocal. I just wish it was on the album proper. This deserves to be a single.

Schoolin' Life

You know, I honestly thought The-Dream should have retired after killing what was left of Mariah's career on "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel" but I take it all back. Christina Milian's cash cow finally shows some of his "Single Ladies" brilliance on "Schoolin' Life". This adorable Prince inspired synth-fest is a very odd pop song. Beyoncé basically gives out life lessons over a beat that could have been lifted from "Lovesexy". She tells the 20-somethings "time really moves fast, you were just 16" and the sexy-somethings "that body ain't always get you out of everything". It shouldn't work but it's pop perfection. I just wish I could make out the lyrics. What does she tell the 40-somethings and 50-somethings? These pearls of wisdom are too important not to heed! One of my favourite songs on the album.

Dance For You

If anyone ever has the nerve to ask me what separates Beyoncé from the rest of the urban-pop crowd, I would slap them and then play "Dance For You". This gorgeous, 6 minute long mid-tempo ballad is a masterpiece. It has been described as an update of Destiny's Child's "Cater 2 U" and that's true to a certain extent. The theme is similar only this time around the doormat lyrics have been omitted. Instead, Bey brings the romance in a very adult way. It's about showing appreciation and gratitude - topics that are all but ignored in modern music. I can't even get my head around Beyoncé's vocal on this. She goes from spitting out lines like a machine gun to swooning and cooing, before giving her pipes a full work out. This would be a brilliant single if they can edit it down by two minutes without ruining it. Absolutely beautiful.

10/10

Crying & Shaking - 4 is finally here!

I knew it was going to be a good day when I woke up humming "I Love Tops" "Love On Top". A new Beyoncé album is always cause for celebration but I'm particularly excited about "4". This is a brave step forward in already iconic career. While your faves are on their knees blowing David Guetta for the latest urban dance trash, Queen B decided to reinvent R&B. She wins. Anyway, more about that when I finish my review. Here are some pics from my visit to JB Hi-Fi this morning. I was annoyed that the standard edition hadn't arrived yet - I'll try again this afternoon - but the stunning in store Bey display (below) soothed my devastation.

In case you're wondering where I am, chances are I'll be kneeling before this piece of cardboard in sombre worship for the next 4-6 weeks. Send me a text. I have my iPhone. And make sure you do buy the deluxe version. The bonus tracks are INSANE. "Schoolin' Life" wouldn't sound out of place on "Purple Rain". It's absolutely exquisite. "Lay Up Under Me" and "Dance For You" are just as good. If you're looking for upbeat Bey - these are your jams. Oh and the deluxe edition even comes with a sample of Heat. Marketing genius!

Prinnie - Australia's own Beyoncé

Over the past year I've featured a number of fabulous Beyoncé wannabes from around the world including Mexico's stunning Ninel Conde and Belgium's divine Hadise. As it turns out, Australia has its very own fake Bey and she's amazing! Prinnie is a rising pop star with a wardrobe full of outfits that wouldn't look out of place in the House of Dereon. She also has one of the hottest local tunes of the year, which is a complete turn around for me after dismissing "Lion" the first time I heard it. Not because the track was bad but because Prinnie's stylist needs a bullet. How do you turn a pretty girl into the hot tranny mess you see in the video?

It's like a bad joke. The weave is ridiculous, the clothes are gross and I think Maude Boat came out of retirement to do the make-up. Whatever. The song itself is hot. "Lion" is a catchy urban groove with a killer chorus that Mrs Carter would be proud to call her own. I love the vocal hooks and think Prinnie sounds great. There's a raspy quality to her voice that sets her apart from the other girls. The video, however, is a trainwreck. I love it for the Beyoncé references - there's her "Ego" hoodie, the "Dangerously In Love" dress and even some "Single Ladies" inspired choreography - but this hot jam is definitely better without the visuals. Prinnie has really won me over with this and I'm genuinely excited about her next move.

Beyoncé slays your faves - YET AGAIN

"Run The World (Girls)" is now a gold-selling top 10 hit. In Australia. Not only that but "Best Thing I Never Had" is already top 30 on our iTunes with no airplay or promotion - a stark contrast to its position in America. I think we all know what this means. Beyoncé is the new Kat DeLuna. Only instead of ruling Belgium's airwaves, Honey B is snatching wigs from Penrith to Perth. Kelly Rowland could never!

Beyoncé - Best Thing I Never Had

Damn, Bey. You've done it again! The official second single from "4" hit the internet this afternoon and it's a triumphant return to form. I love "Run The World (Girls)" - for so many different reasons - but it's kind of hard to identify with. Unless you're a pantsula practising glamazon from the hood with a fetish for Major Lazer beats. "Best Thing I Never Had", on the other hand, strikes an immediate chord with anyone who has ever been fucked over by someone they love. It's a bitter Dear John letter set to music. Beyoncé lets her man know exactly how bad he screwed up before declaring that he was just a loser and she's better off without him. Preach!

I love the lyrics ("thank god you blew it, thank god I dodged a bullet") and her vocal oozes raw emotion. I wonder if Bey wrote it - after all she was recently named one of the 20 most successful songwriters of the new millennium! It will be interesting to see how "Best Thing I Never Had" is received. I think it's her most commercial single since "Sweet Dreams" but she has a hit-and-miss track record with ballads. Hopefully radio play it after completely ignoring the genre-defining flawlessness of "Run The World (Girls)". If all else fails she can get Miss Kelly on the remix to add a bit of star power. Listen to Bey's new single below. I can't wait for the song to hit iTunes so I can play it on repeat and feel completely miserable!

Miss Kelly's revenge

After living in Beyoncé's shadow for the past 15 years, Kelly Rowland has emerged from the darkness with a freshly snatched House of Dereon wig in her back pocket. Miss Kelly is now the most successful child of destiny as her new single "Motivation" tops the US urban airplay chart this week and climbs to a new peak of number 21 on the Billboard Hot 100. I'm so happy for her! When "Commander" flopped, I honestly thought Kelly's time had passed. That song was so perfect and should have been her moment to shine. Unfortunately, it wasn't to be but the stars have finally aligned for the hardest working diva in the game. And with probably the least commercial song of her career.

Don't get me wrong, "Motivation" is a smokin' hot tune but Bey's childhood friend was having no luck with the urban crowd. "Grown Ass Woman" and "Rose Coloured Glasses" were chart disasters of Ashanti-sized proportions. The dancefloor appeared to be her only salvation but Miss Kelly had other ideas. "Motivation" is like an old school 90s slow jam on steroids. It's so sleek and sexy. I can't even play it in the car when I have company because the lyrics make me blush! Kelly is basically the heterosexual equivalent of a bossy bottom in the song, telling her man where and how she wants it. Whatever happened to biting the pillow and getting on with it so you can be finished in time for Chelsea Lately? But I digress. "Motivation" is amazing and I hope K Row remembers to throw Bey a bone when she takes over the DC throne. Congrats!