A Song For Anyone With Broken Gaydar

Simone Battle was recently booted off US X Factor and dropped her debut single the very next day. That's all I know about her. But I'm hungry to learn more after hearing her unique lover-turned-fag hag anthem "He Likes Boys". Poor Simone sings about her frustrating relationship, delivering comedy gold with lines like "guess it is kind of odd that he's such a big fan of Lady Gaga" and "my gaydar needs some inspection". She's not alone if all the bi-curious married men polluting Oxford Street are any indication.

The budding diva finally comes to grips with the situation, declaring "it's a love story with a twist - I found myself a new gay best friend!" Yes, the track is all kinds of stupid. Albeit no worse than Katy Perry's "Ur So Gay". The only difference is that "He Likes Boys" is sweet-natured and cute, which makes the hate difficult to comprehend. A lot of gay commentators are ridiculing the song for perpetuating stereotypes but I say get a life. I'd take Simone's inane ramblings over Lady Gaga's pompous "Born This Way" any day of the week. This goes out to anyone who has ever got the wrong end of the stick. So to speak.

Your New Favourite Band

If Adam Lambert was around in the '60s, he would probably sound something like Hunx and his Punk - AKA my new favourite gay rock band. Founded by Seth Bogart (a California-based hair salon owner) in 2008, the band has already released one album called "Gay Singles" and built up a loyal underground following. I haven't got around to listening to that opus yet but their sophomore effort "Too Young To Be In Love" is something of a triumph. I genuinely love their sunny West Coast sound and barrage of retro influences. And let's be honest, the amusing lyrics don't hurt. Take Hunx and the Punx's new single. "Lover's Lane" is "Leader Of The Pack" with a demented gay twist. I love the thwarted teen romance set-up and melodramatic storyline - "my boy was killed and now he's gone!" The video is simple but cute. I don't get the random severed hand or the creepy-looking drummer but it's still better than anything Coldplay has ever released. Embrace the magic below.

Belinda Carlisle - Trendsetter

Since seeing Belinda Carlisle perform a killer set at Rooty Hill RSL earlier this year, I've been binging on the iconic diva's amazing back catalogue of hits. There are so many brilliant songs to appreciate and rediscover but one stands out in particular. Well, two but I always rant about (We Want) The Same Thing - so I thought it was about time I moved on to something else. The song I'm talking about is the lead single from her 1999 greatest hits compilation. "All God's Children" sounds like a morose ballad but it's actually an uplifting, inclusive pop song that echoes the sentiments of the biggest trend in popular music at this very moment - the so-called empowerment anthem.

Now this shit can go one of two ways:

1. Done right - these songs can lift your spirits and make you feel better about being different, lonely, shunned or an outcast. They are the musical equivalent of a warm embrace (Katy Perry's "Firework") or a defiant fuck you to haters (Ke$ha's "We R Who We R") that make you feel braver and stronger.

2. Done wrong - well, I have three words for you. Born. This. Way. If I have to listen to that middle-class, heterosexual white woman tell me "don't be a drag, just be a queen" one more time I'm rushing to the nearest branch of Scientology and begging for the homosexuality cure.

It goes without saying that "All God's Children" belongs in the former category and can actually be viewed as something of blueprint for the genre. While Katy and Ke$ha were still playing with barbies and popping pimples, Belinda was bringing people together with her Metro produced feel-good anthem. I usually shy away from lyrics with religious overtones but the song has a simple message about the need to be loved and accepted that I find universal and true despite all that God talk. The track packs an even bigger emotional punch if you know how supportive Belinda has been of her openly gay son.

But I digress. Given its 1999 release date, I'm pretty sure "All God's Children" was a calculated attempt to recreate the success of Cher's "Believe". The same producers were used, an ageless diva who could pass for 20 was given a dance track and the videos both look like they were shot in the dark. Unfortunately, Belinda's jam stiffed at #66 in the UK. Which, reading between the lines of her amazing autobiography, might have had more to do with her personal demons and record company politics. As for the video, I love it. Ms Carlisle looks absolutely stunning. In fact, she's ten times hotter than the frumpy girl in it - so why isn't she making out with the hot guy with the bushy eyebrows?

Enjoy one of the original and best empowerment anthems from a true legend.

Elouise takes on Tainted Love

Elouise has been winning hearts and steadily building a loyal fanbase over the last couple of years with her big ballads and camp covers. With a little help from Kylie's long-time collaborator Steve Anderson and Bobby from Don't Stop The Pop, the stunning English rose has single-handedly revived the torch song and carved a niche that is very much her own in a market otherwise flooded with soulless clones. I admire that she's taking things slowly and perfecting her sound before churning out a studio album. The world's first taste of Elouise was her lovely Stardust EP, which was followed by another mini-album and now a soon-to-be-released album of covers based on the music she performs in "Little Belter", her monthly residential at Madame Jojo's in London. The show celebrates female divas like Judy Garland, Shirley Bassey, Barbra Streisand and Dusty Springfield - making it, quite possibly, the gayest production on earth! I'd kill to see it but I guess I'll have to make do with the soundtrack for now.

The first cut from "Little Belter" - now available on iTunes - is a stunning rendition of "Tainted Love", made famous by Soft Cell but covered by everyone from Marilyn Manson to The Pussycat Dolls. Needless to say, Elouise's version is by far the most theatrical. From the fabulous brass in the intro to the big band, swing sound of the chorus, this is a dramatic tour de force that should be appreciated in a dark room with mood lighting, dusty chandeliers and crushed velvet curtains - preferably with a martini in one hand and a cigarette in the other. You don't have to inhale. It's just for effect! As usual, Steve Anderson's production is exquisite and Elouise has never sounded lovelier. The initial reaction to "Tainted Love" has been amazing with the song swiftly becoming the most requested on OutQ - the largest gay radio network in the world. Check out the song below to see what all the fuss is about and sign up to the diva's Mailing List to get a free mp3 of her radical improvement on Gaga's hideous "Born This Way" and a new jam called "The Lovers' Rumba". It's every bit as camp as the title would suggest and comes highly recommended.

Gay Love On The High Seas

When I open a digital promo and read the words "internet sensation", more often than not I just click delete. I have seen way too many deluded 10-year-olds belting out Lady Gaga covers on YouTube to bother with that shit. But there was something different about Cosmo Jarvis. First of all, he's fucking hot. Secondly, his latest single is called "Gay Pirates" and has been given Stephen Fry's seal of approval. So it must be good. And it is. "Gay Pirates" is a romantic sea shanty about gay love on a Pirate ship. Cosmo sings about his affection for Sebastian and the trials they must overcome to stay together. Depressingly, society hasn't changed all that much since the days of piracy and buried treasure - which is why I think the song strikes such a chord with listeners. You could change the setting to love between office workers in any small town in Australia and the story would play out much the same. Only without the gang rape and plank walking. I would hope. Given the song's lyrical content, I was surprised to learn that Cosmo is straight. I guess sometimes you need an outside observer to bring a fresh perspective to a very old story. Brace yourself for the quirkiest gay anthem of 2011.