Friday Flashback - Miami Mix Madonna

There must be something wrong with me. Hating on Madonna is usually one of my favourite past times but lately I've found myself re-visiting some of the old troll's less grating moments. Like her cover of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" - or more specifically, the trashtastic Miami Mix. I don't know what it is about this camp mess but every time I hear it, I get the urge to build a time machine out of unsold copies of "Hard Candy" and travel back to 1997. You know, to an era when Madonna was still fun and didn't think twice about ruining a much loved classic of musical theatre in order to please the gays. And it worked. The Miami Mix was an Oxford Street smash and even crossed over to mainstream radio, pushing the song into the top 10 at a time when the poor man's Stacey Q couldn't buy a hit in Australia. In fact, listening to these 4 and a half glorious minutes of pure ridiculousness, I can't help but feel that Madonna's finest moments should be collated for eternity. Perhaps a compilation of her 90s trash classics? I'd throw in "Thief Of Hearts" and "Human Nature" for starters. Trust me, it would sell more than the "Immaculate Collection"!

Alejandro - Finally Something Madonna Actually Did Do First

Love her or loathe her, there's no denying that Lady Gaga is the current Queen of music videos. She claimed the throne with "Paparazzi" and has since gone from strength to strength. "Bad Romance" triumphantly mixed a seedy Europorn aesthetic with high fashion glamour to bring sex trafficking to the masses, while "Telephone" took things to the next level with its instantly iconic narrative, scene stealing cameo from the world's biggest superstar and long list of quirky 70s influences. And I expected more of that magic from today's premiere of "Alejandro". The preview looked quintessentially Gaga and I've been in love with the song from the first time I played "The Fame Monster" - so it's difficult to explain my intense disappointment at the finished product.

Lady Gaga has always been a master at blending her influences, lifting a Debbie Harry look here and a Grace Jones outfit there. It's never bothered me because she has an uncanny ability to take other people's ideas and make them her own. The same can not be said, however, for "Alejandro". Anyone old enough to actually remember the 80s will experience an alarming sense of deja vu when they sit down to watch this derivative montage of Madonna videos and tour moments. It amuses me that many of the same people that roasted Christina Aguilera's "Not Myself Tonight" video are calling Gaga's effort "a work of art". Bitch, please. This makes Xtina's cheerful homage look positively original by comparison. There's no denying the quality of the Steven Klein's direction, the brilliant cinematography or ingenious hair and make-up but we've seen it all before. As much as I hate to say it - Madonna really did do it first!

The men in high heels - tick
Ripping off Leni Reifenstahl's Nazi/Aryan aesthetic - tick
The Evita-tastic funeral procession - tick
A factory/industrial setting ("Express Yourself" anyone?) - tick
Male dancers homoerotically fighting/dancing (Girlie Show) - tick
The choreography on the bed (see "Bye Bye Baby") - tick
Religious imagery - tick
A dance routine straight from "Vogue" - tick
A pointy brassiere - tick
Bondage gear a la "Erotica" - tick
Faux rape (see "Like A Prayer") - tick

More disappointing still is the fact that Lady Gaga is starting to repeat herself. How long is she going to stick with the whole one ugly look followed by a glamorous look routine and is anyone else sick of seeing her dance in her underpants? Girl, invest in some feathers and sequins! The fame monster is in danger of becoming a caricature of herself. I just wish she would stop trying to be so damn self-important and serious. "Alejandro" is a joyous pop song. As MIA bitchily (but correctly) pointed out, it "sounds like Ibiza music". So why try to turn it into a funeral march for a demented nun into group sex and bad hairstyles? She just needs to embrace the fact that she makes throwaway fluff better than just about anyone and make a video starring Ace of Base as a thank you for borrowing their sound. The only good thing to come out of these eight and a half minutes of pointlessness is a new appreciation for Kylie's "All The Lovers" video. In comparison, that sweet little clip is positively revolutionary.