Natalie Bassingthwaighte Fails To Chart

I almost feel sorry for Natalie Bassingthwaighte. The 36-year-old* former soap-star must have thought she was primed for a Jennifer Lopez-sized comeback when someone was stupid enough to invite her onto the X Factor judging panel but instead of riding that momentum all the way to number one, she failed to dent the top 100 with her heinous comeback single "All We Have". Whoops! More embarrassing is the fact that the song clearly sold enough downloads to place somewhere between 60 and 80 but Sony chose not to have that dubious achievement listed at all. Which usually only happens to save face or to give a label time to implement Plan B. Like a physical single or big TV promotion. It can work - see Vanessa Amorosi's "Gossip" - but unfortunately for Nat, the poor man's "On The Floor" is plummeting down iTunes faster anyone could have predicted and she has already embarrassed herself on the nation's highest-rating TV show. It looks like Australia has voted and decided to send the old nag to the glue factory after all. I hate to say I told you so - BUT I'M GOING TO. Laugh again at 2011's worst song and video below.

*bitch, please

The 10 Worst Things About Natalie Bassingthwaighte's 'All We Have' Video

I can't believe this shameless cunt is back. Nobody wanted Natalie's abysmal solo material the first time around, so I don't like her chances now. The pioneer of mutton-dressed-as-lamb chic is clearly hoping X Factor will jumpstart what's left of her career but I think she'll be lucky to snag more than a one-off novelty hit. Particularly with music this bad. "All We Have" blatantly rips off J.Lo's "On The Floor" - from the lazy sample down to the cover art and video premise. Only there's no Pitbull to give it credibility, no RedOne to make it annoyingly catchy and no Jennifer for eye candy. What you're left with is the biggest turd of 2011. The song is dying on iTunes but I'm sure Sony will pull out all stops - like a big budget video from the always impressive Benn Jae. Unfortunately, even his talented team can't distract you from the aural trainwreck that is "All We Have".

To save your retinas and eardrums lasting damage, here is a summary of the 10 worst things about Horsey's latest film clip:

1. Natalie Bassingthwaigte is in it.

2. Someone forgot to airbrush her Sarah Jessica Parker hands.

3. These costumes were clearly intended for a woman under 45.

4. Kylie called and wants her "I Believe In You" birdcage back.

5. Just because Natalie is the same age as Tina Turner in Beyond Thunderdome doesn't make ripping off paying homage to "We Don't Need Another Hero" acceptable.

6. The appalling soundtrack. All is forgiven, Vanessa. "All We Have" makes "Gossip" sound like "Rolling In The Deep".

7. Choreography of this quality shouldn't be wasted on someone with two left cankles.

8. The unbelievable premise. How many post-menopausal women are still hitting up the club? Well, apart from Madonna.

9. Stealing Fergie's inimitable Meth-head chic is just rude.

10. The fact that so much time, energy and money was wasted on someone this void of talent.