Natalie Bassingthwaighte Fails To Chart

I almost feel sorry for Natalie Bassingthwaighte. The 36-year-old* former soap-star must have thought she was primed for a Jennifer Lopez-sized comeback when someone was stupid enough to invite her onto the X Factor judging panel but instead of riding that momentum all the way to number one, she failed to dent the top 100 with her heinous comeback single "All We Have". Whoops! More embarrassing is the fact that the song clearly sold enough downloads to place somewhere between 60 and 80 but Sony chose not to have that dubious achievement listed at all. Which usually only happens to save face or to give a label time to implement Plan B. Like a physical single or big TV promotion. It can work - see Vanessa Amorosi's "Gossip" - but unfortunately for Nat, the poor man's "On The Floor" is plummeting down iTunes faster anyone could have predicted and she has already embarrassed herself on the nation's highest-rating TV show. It looks like Australia has voted and decided to send the old nag to the glue factory after all. I hate to say I told you so - BUT I'M GOING TO. Laugh again at 2011's worst song and video below.

*bitch, please

An Open Letter To Jody Watley

Dear Jody,

You used to be cool. "Looking For A New Love" is one of my all time favourite jams and "Larger Than Life" is flawless - beginning to end. I even continued buying your albums when the hits dried up about... 20 years ago because I'm loyal to my faves regardless of their has-been status. But I'm out. Your hateful Twitter tirade against Beyoncé showed your true colours. What kind of bitter mess throws shade at a charity single? Queen B is helping raise money for orphans and widows. To paraphrase another flop that hasn't had a hit in decades - what have you done for anyone lately? I can't believe you had the nerve to imply that Bey is being opportunistic. That's some hilarious shit coming from a woman who walked around the streets of LA with fake plastic surgery scars on her face to drum up publicity for an album called "The Makeover". All that humiliation and it still failed to chart! You're entitled to your opinion and can say whatever you like but don't turn into an hysterical drama queen when the Killer Beys attack. I know you don't have many followers but Twitter is a public forum. Ranting about insecure fans, sending crazy tweets demanding people unfollow you and then deleting all your comments is not a good look.

Goodbye and good riddance,

Mike

X

PS. Here's the charity single you were dissing. Check it out. You could learn a lot from this flawless vocal performance. But I guess it's too late to teach an old dog new tricks.