Pattyboy, I Take It Back

You are no longer the worst pop star of all time. Brandon Hilton snuck up behind you in his bargain basement Lady Gaga ensemble and snatched your wig. Look on the bright side, babe. You'll always be the queen of NZ iTunes!

The Worst Song Of 2011

I can't believe that cunt from Westlife. Why is he still inflicting his flop solo career on Australia? Surely the mountain of unsold CDs gathering dust in Dulta's S&M dungeon is enough of a hint that nobody gives a shit? Obviously not because the douchebag is back with a new single and it is the most heinous thing to violate my ears thus far in 2011. "Just The Way You Are (Drunk At The Bar)" is every bit as tragic as the title suggests. Brian's love affair with autotune is still going strong - only this time he's thrown in an annoying banjo sample and dedicated the anthem to the charming topic of date rape. I wish I was joking. He kicks things off innocently enough by singing "I like you just the way you are, drunk as shit dancing at the bar" before uttering the creepy line "jump into the back seat of my car, cause I like it and I can't wait to get you home so I can take advantage". Lovely. Perhaps they can give away a free sample of Rohypnol with every copy? I'll need a supply in case this musical abortion takes off. Almost as unappetising as the lyrics is Brian's pathetic attempt at rapping and the fact that this is basically a cheap copy of Enrique's "Tonight (I'm Fuckin' You)". Seriously, how low can this shady Irishman go?

Worst Duet Of All Time?

Someone recently asked me what I'd nominate as the worst duet of all time. It took a while for my brain to compute the long list of possibilities but I eventually settled on this jaw dropping disasterpiece. For those of you too young or too stoned to remember the mid-90s, Merril Bainbridge was briefly the golden girl of Australian pop. Her double platinum debut album spawned a couple of massive hits and she surprised just about everyone by repeating her success in America, where "Mouth" went on to become an unlikely top 5 hit. Merril looked set for big things but sadly it wasn't to be. Her second album peaked outside the top 50 and she never bothered the upper reaches of the charts ever again. You can blame changing tastes and the patchy nature of "Between The Days" (an album that I still love, by the way) but I think the real culprit is the unlucky diva's abysmal duet with Shaggy.

A rancid cover of Sonny & Cher's seminal classic, "I Got U Babe" is the musical equivalent of being raped with a chainsaw. It's inhumane and unbearably painful. There's nothing wrong with an odd couple but unlike Seiko and Donnie Wahlberg - this is NOT the right combination. These two have no chemistry whatsoever and their voices are a match made in Cheryl Cole's recording studio (ie. hell). Merril's soft, little girl voice is all but trampled by Shaggy's Jamaican twang - rendering the song utterly ridiculous. And yet, as bad as it is, I'm still glad to have this stunning #62 smash in my collection (above). I love car crash pop and I wish Merril would come out of hiding. She's a great songwriter and the world is ready for "The Garden Part 2"!

So tell me, what duet makes you want to pierce your eardrums with a rusty knitting needle? I can think of a few other contenders....