Worst Cover Ever?

I know what you're thinking. That new Sia/David Guetta collaboration is a bit sloppy and desperately needs an overhaul by a Eurotrash DJ and some anorexic bitch in a bikini. Well, fret no more! D.Ghetto has taken it upon himself to jazz up "Titanium" and delivers the hottest mess to hit iTunes in a very long time. Everything about this cover is so bad it's kind of amazing. For starters, Silvia can't sing. A note. Where did they find this chick? She can't even pronounce titanium! And the production - and I use that term loosely - is woeful beyond belief. I think D.Ghetto whipped it up on a Commodore 64 he found at the local tip. The most disturbing thing about the new and unimproved version of "Titanium" is the fact that people are actually downloading it. This trainwreck is sitting just outside the top 100 on Australian iTunes ahead of new singles by Kimbra, Wynter Gordon and Emeli Sandé. While that sad fact sinks in, brace yourself for possibly the worst cover version of all time (below).

An Australian Flop Vs Soraya

I am so disgusted I can hardly type. Natalie Gauci - better known as the least successful Australian Idol winner in history - has dared to fuck with the reigning Queen of Spanish pop by covering the title track of her new album. Sure, Natalie co-wrote "Dreamer" and probably recorded it first but that's no excuse for stealing Soraya's thunder. The sad flop should be grateful that an international megastar would deign to sing her song instead of using it for herself. It's like Malena Gracia covering Maria Callas - not right! I just don't see the point of Natalie's version. Her voice was never going to match Soraya's glorious pipes and the production is cheaper than her wig in the tacky video (below). Admittedly, the remixes are good - which explains its current top 5 placing on the ARIA club chart - but why not mix the original? It's about time Australia was blessed by the Spanish angel's legendary beauty and breathtaking talent! Now instead of hearing Soraya in the club, I'll be tortured with this shit. Thanks a lot. And to think I spent $5.99 on Natalie's flop album when it made its way to the bargain bin at JB Hi-Fi! If you want a good laugh, check out the video clip that accompanies this abomination. Soraya would never approve...

Shayne Ward's Dubious Comeback

This blog is a raised middle finger to musical snobbery. I couldn't give a fuck about credibility and wasn't particularly fussed when I heard Shayne Ward's new single was a cover of Nickelback's "Gotta Be Somebody". As far as I'm concerned, it's better to butcher a piece of shit than fuck up something truly magnificent. I'm looking at you, Joe McElderry. My only problem with Shayne's comeback is the fact he's wearing clothing. That and the blatant laziness. Unlike most of his contemporaries, 2005's X Factor winner has the money behind him to come up with something fresh and original. Instead he takes three years to cover a generic rock song from 2008 that nobody liked in the first place. Good job! For his sake, I hope the vomit inducing lyrics about being sad and lonely get middle aged housewives into a CD buying frenzy but I'm moving on. His previous two albums didn't really do it for me and this insipid effort is the final straw. I don't even like the cover. Shayne looks gaunt. Lay off the exercise and eat some Tim Tams before you end up resembling Aaron Carter! The only saving grace is the trashtastic remix package. I can't believe they roped in Almighty. I guess Bimbo Jones drew the line at this shit! In all fairness, Andy does a good job. It's not quite as fabulous as his take on Usher's "OMG" but you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. The always reliable Moto Blanco also deliver a fun interpretation but for pure low brow trash value you can't really beat an Almighty mix of a Nickelback cover. Brace yourself and give it a listen (below).

Worst Duet Of All Time?

Someone recently asked me what I'd nominate as the worst duet of all time. It took a while for my brain to compute the long list of possibilities but I eventually settled on this jaw dropping disasterpiece. For those of you too young or too stoned to remember the mid-90s, Merril Bainbridge was briefly the golden girl of Australian pop. Her double platinum debut album spawned a couple of massive hits and she surprised just about everyone by repeating her success in America, where "Mouth" went on to become an unlikely top 5 hit. Merril looked set for big things but sadly it wasn't to be. Her second album peaked outside the top 50 and she never bothered the upper reaches of the charts ever again. You can blame changing tastes and the patchy nature of "Between The Days" (an album that I still love, by the way) but I think the real culprit is the unlucky diva's abysmal duet with Shaggy.

A rancid cover of Sonny & Cher's seminal classic, "I Got U Babe" is the musical equivalent of being raped with a chainsaw. It's inhumane and unbearably painful. There's nothing wrong with an odd couple but unlike Seiko and Donnie Wahlberg - this is NOT the right combination. These two have no chemistry whatsoever and their voices are a match made in Cheryl Cole's recording studio (ie. hell). Merril's soft, little girl voice is all but trampled by Shaggy's Jamaican twang - rendering the song utterly ridiculous. And yet, as bad as it is, I'm still glad to have this stunning #62 smash in my collection (above). I love car crash pop and I wish Merril would come out of hiding. She's a great songwriter and the world is ready for "The Garden Part 2"!

So tell me, what duet makes you want to pierce your eardrums with a rusty knitting needle? I can think of a few other contenders....