The 10 Worst Albums Of 2010

There really was no shortage of shit to choose from when it came to selecting 2010's worst albums. Kings Of Leon's "Come Around Sundown", MGMT's "Congratulations" and all 147 of Tea Tea's mixtapes deserve recognition for lowering the standard of modern music but I decided to stick with mainstream pop acts for this countdown. It's a bit of an odd bunch - bad albums from acts I usually love, crap albums from crap artists and just about everything in between. I know some of these disasterpieces have been massive sellers and spawned numerous hit singles but that doesn't make them good. It just makes us gullible and record companies even more sinister than we give them credit for. As for the year's worst album - I'm sure we can all agree that pop music has finally scraped the bottom of the barrel. So what other stinkers are missing from the list? Who have I unfairly written off as gutter trash? Let me know what you think!

10. Speak Now - Taylor Swift

I really don't care if 3 million devout teenage Christians hocked their commitment rings to buy "Speak Now" for Christmas. It's a breathtakingly self-indulgent, monotonous vanity project plagued by trite Hallmark card lyrics and the inescapable fact that Taylor can't really sing. The admittedly cute and surprisingly catchy "Mine" is the standout track but it's hard to pick a 'lowlight' because all the songs sound the same to me. If pressed, I'd have to go with "Innocent" - her delusional response to Kanye. Bitch, please. The man stole your fucking microphone at a pointless awards ceremony. He didn't run over your dog or break up with you via Facebook. Get a fucking grip and move on!

9. Body Talk Parts 1 & 2 - Robyn

Robyn is so frustrating. When the Swedish eyesore gets it right, she lifts pop music to previously unimagined heights. The rest of the time I just want to slap her and ask for a refund. Her 2005 masterpiece was always going to be a hard act to follow but lowering expectations by releasing a trilogy of dodgy EPs wasn't exactly a masterstroke. "Body Talk Part 1", in particular, is a hot mess. How can you go from the sublime "Dancing On My Own" and beautiful "Cry When You Get Older" to try hard electro rubbish like "Fembot" and "Don't Fucking Tell Me What To Do"? I hoped the sequel would be an improvement but it turned out to the musical equivalent of "Sex & The City 2". Sure there are some good moments ("Love Kills" and "Hang With Me") but it's mostly just embarrassing shit tailor made for non-discerning gays. The "Body Talk" era ended on a high with the fabulous third instalment but why didn't she just spend a year getting the album ready instead of tarnishing her legacy with these glorified demos?

8. The Beginning - Black Eyed Peas

I love the Black Eyed Peas and worship at the Fergalicious alter of Stacy Ferguson but even I have to draw the line at "The Beginning". This shit sounds like it was thrown together in 2 days on Skype. The band has a knack for clever hooks and catchy samples but the laziness on display here is mind-boggling. "The Time (Dirty Bit)", for example, is shameful on so many levels but mostly for the fact that it could have been brilliant if they had treated the original with a bit more respect. And then there's my other major gripe - Fergie's suspiciously minor contribution to proceedings. Is will.i.am pressed that The Dutchess is an global phenomenon while he's been reducing to working with Cheryl Cole? Or did they just jazz up his shelved solo album to save time? Whatever. I'm unimpressed and want my money back.

7. Can't Be Tamed - Miley Cyrus

This sad flop needs to pull the plug on her pop career. Miley's attempt at reinventing herself as a dance diva was an epic fail on every level. Her voice and autotune do not mix and she lacks the attitude and sex appeal to sell the songs, which, admittedly, were pretty shit to begin with. Seriously, Lisa Scott-Lee called (reverse charges) and wants her B-sides back! I don't get it. Her Hannah Montana sidekick Emily Osment pulled together a fun pop album on the fumes of an oily rag. Yet Miley has more money than anyone and still can't buy herself a hit. Time for an album of duets with daddy, I think.

6. Sweet 7 - Sugababes

I'll let Mutya take this one:



5. Tapestry - Marcia Hines

I LOVE Marcia Hines and pretty much stan for everything she has ever released including her hysterical album/self-help book of inspirational ballads "Life" but this shit is on the nose. There's nothing wrong with the individual songs. Marcia sounds amazing as always and has been covering some of the tracks at gigs for years but the sheer audacity required to re-record one of the greatest albums of all time is staggering. Seriously, who listens to "Tapestry" and thinks Hmmm, nice but I could do it so much better!

4. The Power Of Madonna - Glee

Urgh. Madonna's music is painful enough without those sad cunts from Glee rubbing their dirty spirit fingers all over it. Kudos though to Kurt and Mercedes for making "4 Minutes" an even more hellish experience than it was to begin with. Seriously, this shit is evil.

3. Loud - Rihanna

Oh look. There's Rihanna with her stupid fucking red wig and crap songs about oral sex and bondage. Isn't she just the hippest ho in the game right now? But wait. Isn't this the same pretender, who tried to reinvent herself as a dark and edgy anti-popstar on her last album - only to pull the plug when no one bought it? Yes, Riri is a big, fat fake. There's nothing wrong with being a product but it irks me that people buy into this shit when the poor man's Shontelle is actually the biggest puppet in pop. To be fair, she is a one woman hit machine. Her label has a knack for buying her hits from the hottest producers but they should ask for a refund this time around. Apart from "Only Girl" and the Eminem-lite version of "Love The Way You Lie", this is a stinking mess. I don't care what her name is or if she's a firecracker in the bedroom. Her voice is grating and she has less charisma than a roll of toilet paper. Rihanna is, without a doubt, the most overrated pop star on the planet.

2. Wall Of Soundz - Brian McFadden

This foul expulsion of noise should come with a warning sticker. Something along the lines of 'Buying this album means you're a cunt'. Brian was shit enough when he was marketed as a Mother's Day artist but his tragic electro makeover is a crime against humanity. "Just Say So" somehow topped the charts - I think Dulta opened 5,000 iTunes accounts and downloaded multiple copies - but the rest of the singles tanked and Brian was reduced to teaming up with his repugnant wife. To no avail as it turned out. If you're gagging for a bunch of autotuned to the point of parady pop tunes sung by a fat Irish bastard wearing eye make-up, then this is the album for you!

1. Messy Little Raindrops - Cheryl Cole

Amogbokpa's ruthless tormentor dropped her heinous sophomore album in 2010, lowering the bar for popular music even further in the process. I thought "3 Words" was a musical abortion for the ages but the abusive racist from that flop girlband that no one gives a shit about somehow managed to serve up an even less appealing mix of mind numbingly boring ballads and unconvincing mid-tempo urban pop tunes. Seriously, were the producers taking the piss? Upbeat tracks like "Promise This" and "Amnesia" are stomach churningly bad enough but who really thinks balladry is Cheryl's calling? She makes Uffie sound like Maria Callas on "Raindrops", while I'm convinced she phoned in her "Happy Tears" vocal while pouring over the latest copy of KKK Weekly. Even more astounding was her decision to release "The Flood" as a single. Who was she kidding? This exercise in aural torture is a definite contender for worst song of 2010 with its migraine inducing vocal and so bad they're just hideous lyrics. Although seeing it stall at number 18 on the UK singles chart did amuse me. Now that the British public has finally woken up to Cheryl's evil ways and dismissed her as a diabolical abomination against all that is good and holy, can she just fuck off? Please?

The 10 Worst Videos Of 2010

Choosing the year's worst videos was like picking up in a brothel. Too fucking easy. It seems that everyone dropped their bundle in 2010 and dished up pile after pile of steaming shit. I avoided choosing the videos that stank due to budget restrictions - actually most of those made my best of countdown - because there's only so much you can do with $20 and an iPhone. Instead, I focused on clips that had the resources to be so much better. I should also point out that I'm strictly talking about the visuals. I love most of these songs. In fact, many of them will feature on my best singles of 2010 countdown. But that's still no excuse for inflicting the following crimes against humanity upon us!

10. Alejandro - Lady Gaga (Video)

I really couldn't decide whether to put this in my best or worst videos of 2010 countdown. The direction and cinematography are absolutely stunning and Lady Gaga deserves props for wearing a latex nun's habit without looking like she's just escaped from an insane asylum. My problem with "Alejandro" is that it's all been done before. This video is like looking inside Madonna's brain circa 1989. There's the religious symbolism that permeated her entire "Like A Prayer" album, the industrial setting of "Express Yourself" and even the pre-historic diva's pointy bra. Hell, she even lifted the dance routine from "Vogue"! I'm sure the clip is revolutionary if you're 15 and didn't experience the real deal but it gives the rest of us a serious case of deja vu.

9. Get Outta My Way - Kylie (Video)

This clip sums up everything that's wrong with Kylie at the moment. She's completely lost touch with the people that buy - or would potentially buy - her music. You have a ridiculously catchy song about flirting with guys at the club to make your lame arse boyfriend jealous and Dannii's much older sister films a high art video wearing Gaultier couture in which she stands around on chairs like a hypnotised meerkat. I honestly believe if she had pulled on some jeans and made a fun clip that even remotely related to the song, the middle aged housewives and suburban gays that comprise the bulk of her fanbase would have come to the party. Instead she impressed ten fashionistas in Paris. Good job.

8. Skin I'm In - Static Revenger featuring Luciana (Video)

Now this pains me. I worship at the church of Luciana and can legitimately lay claim to being her number one fan. She's also a good friend of mine and I fucking LOVE this song. But there's no denying that the video is completely rancid. It's cheap, visually boring and makes a genuinely stunning woman look like a 49 year old bus driver. Then there's the small matter of Static Revenger hogging the spotlight, the ugly extras and redundant special effects. "I Like That" was literally filmed for 500 pounds by Luci's hairdresser and it stands up against anything funded by a major label. This, on the other hand, is just rank.

7. The Way You Love Me - Keri Hilson featuring Rick Ross (Video)

Any video that features cameos from Jojo, Faith Evans and Dawn as Charlie's Angels-esque special agents should be genre defining. And "The Way You Love Me" starts promisingly enough. That is until Miskeried (as she's known to Bey stans) strips off and takes pussy popping choreography to previously unimagined depths. This shit would make a gynaecologist blush. Seriously, bitch - put it the fuck away! I don't want to see your bony arse grinding away like a ten dollar hooker on Meth and I really don't want to catch an accidental glimpse of your grand canyon. Nasty!

6. Indestructible - Robyn (Video)

Congratulations, Robyn. This video turned me off sex. For life.

5. Licky - Shontelle (Video)

Yet another great song undone by a disastrous clip. "Licky" was filmed at the height of Lady Gaga mania and her influence can be seen in every outfit Shontelle wears. Unfortunately, instead of making the rich man's Rihanna look cool and edgy - they have the unfortunate side effect of making her look like a man. Seriously, I've seen drag queens without make up look more feminine that Shontelle in this clip. The scene where she's strolling down the street dressed as some kind of tranny pimp could explain the number 81 chart placing of her fabulous album.

4. The Flood - Cheryl Cole (Video)

Seeing the convicted criminal from Girls Aloud impersonate Sophie Ellis-Bextor in "Promise This" was offensive enough but the mind numbingly dull "Halo"-by-the-sea video for her latest flop borders on inhumane. With nothing else to look at apart from pop music's most infamous charisma free zone, you are forced to listen to her paper thin voice and compute shiteous lyrics like "turn the lights out in the lighthouse". Ear rape has never been quite as soul destroying.

3. Commander - Kelly Rowland (Video)

How do you blow a sure fire hit that had the internet in a frenzy from the minute it leaked? Easy. Hire the world's worst special effects team, rope in an ugly French DJ to make a completely unnecessary cameo and come up with the lamest dual personality storyline in the history of modern music complete with extras wearing gas marks. Oh and throw in some bad choreography for good measure as well as a selection of outfits that Kelly probably stole from a charity bin outside the House of Dereon.

2. Get Em Girls - Jessica Mauboy featuring Snoop Dog (Video)

Poor Jessica. She must have thought she had it made when Sony sent her over to LA to film "Get Em Girls" with Hype Williams - the man behind Bey's "Videophone" and Ke$ha's "We R Who We R". But instead of the iconic clip she was hoping for, the diva ended up with a video so bad it almost killed her career and sunk her album before it was even released. The whole thing is just so tacky, forced and unconvincing. Seeing Jess awkwardly stumble down a runway in some of the worst ensembles in fashion history is truly painful to behold and I can't decide if Snoop looks more bored or embarrassed. Happily, the success of "Saturday Night" has turned things around for Australia's new Queen of crunk but this will live on in infamy for all the wrong reasons.

1. Mistakes - Brian McFadden and Delta Goodrem (below)

If nothing else this clip answers a question I've long pondered over. What happens when two gigantic cunts collide?

Lest We Forget

Cheryl Cole Is A Beyoncé Stan

Noooooooooo!

Kylie Slams Cheryl Cole, Releases Album Megamix & Announces Single Tracklist!

Just when I thought it was impossible to love Kylie more than I already do, she goes and slams that violent criminal from Girls Aloud. Australia's enduring natural beauty took the words right out of my mouth when she said "Cheryl Cole's music doesn't impress me". That's Kylie code for "fuck off, you evil cunt". Respect! My favourite bit is when she only admits to having heard "Fight For The KKK". Cheryl's international flops are clearly beneath this living legend!

In addition to preaching truth about sad pretenders, Kylie unveiled the Australian tracklist for "All The Lovers". We get a bunch of remixes and a video but where are the obligatory B-sides? Min is the Queen of bonus tracks and B-sides, so I'm kind of shocked. Hopefully the UK will get some. Anyway, this little gem will hit stores on the 25th of June. I might have to take the day off work!

1. All The Lovers
2. All The Lovers (WAWA & MMB Anthem Remix)
3. Michael Woods Remix
4. Xxxchange remix
5. All The Lovers Music Video

Last but not least, a 9 and a half minute album megamix hit the net this morning and I still have chills. On the strength of this, "Aphrodite" could well equal the poptastic brilliance of "Fever" and "Light Years". Every song gives me goosebumps. "Get Outta My Way" (already announced as the second single) is a smash, Luciana's "Cupid Boy" is the coolest Kylie has sounded in a decade, "Closer" is just too adorable, "Put Your Hands Up (If You Feel Love)" is club gold and the title track gives me the giggles in the best possible way. My favourite lyric is "I'm fierce and feel alive, I'm a golden girl, I'm Aphrodite". LOL! Give it a listen below. Bring on the 2nd of July!

Oh and why can't the stunning image at the top of the post be the album cover? She looks phenomenal!

Hande Yener - The Turkish Cheryl Cole!

Hande Yener is one of Turkey's biggest pop stars. The glamorous dance diva has sold millions of albums at home and racked up four #1 hits. She has also spent far too much time watching Cheryl Cole videos on YouTube. Under normal circumstances that would be an instant deal breaker but Hande's thievery is so blatant that I can't help but admire her shamelessness. Like Ami Suzuki before her, this Turkish delight has stolen borrowed an idea from a western counterpart and made it better. "Sopa-Yasak Aşk" is a catchy little synth-pop tune that's only a cheesy chorus away from Eurovision fodder. And I mean that as a compliment. I love the quirky mix of sounds and think the language sounds beautiful. Can somebody please tell me what she's singing about? It's probably something like "Hadise is a cheap slut". You can just tell Hande would cut a bitch that stood in her way! Which is probably what attracted her to a violent criminal like Cheryl Cole. Although it's hard to tell if the Turkish stunner is paying tribute to the Girls Aloud has-been or taking the piss. All I know is that the "Sopa-Yasak Aşk" video clip (below) is a virtual remake of "3 Words". And despite resembling Lady GaGa without make-up, Hande effortlessly manages to show up - excuse me while I vomit - England's sweetheart. The natural beauty's fierce attitude makes Cheryl look like a piece of wet lettuce, while her ability to actually hold a note adds to the embarrassment. A big thank you to Mert for bringing this icon to my attention. Now brace yourself for the Hande experience!