10 Gay Date Commandments & Am8er's Stunning Video

Sorry about the lack of updates lately but I spent the weekend stalking Luciana. More about that very soon - including details of her collaboration with a certain Girls Aloud member and another Kylie exclusive - but I can't resist the urge to post Am8er's long awaited "10 Date Commandments" video. The controversial diva has caused quite a stir over the past couple of months but she is having the last laugh. Her sexy collab with Lil' Kim is taking off on radio and she just played a showcase with Taio Cruz (pic below). Anyway, the video is great. Am8er finally leaves her signature colourful K-mart t-shirts on the dressing room floor and embraces a classy new image, while still staying true to her 'look'. Kim can't match her in the glamour stakes but I love her nasty bumping and grinding. With any luck Am8er's smash will rocket to #1 and put all the H8TRZ in check! The video/radio version is also a lot more palatable to pop fans than the hot remix doing the rounds, so check it out. Now, to celebrate the release of this new urban classic, I've decided to whip up my very own 10 Date Commandments for desperate homosexuals. If you follow these you'll probably still be sad and lonely but they should at least help you weed out the time wasters. Sit down and take notes!

1. A guy who wants to know if you're a top or a bottom before asking your name is probably not interested in a long term relationship.

2. You're unlikely to meet the man of your dreams in a sauna, sex club or beat. Just saying.

3. When using the internet or Grindr to find a man please remember that:

Mates or dates = Looking for cock
Versatile = Bottom
Stocky = Fat
Down to earth = Ugly
Straight acting = Anything from Adam Levine and Adam Lambert
Discreet = Married

4. Invade his privacy if you suspect he's a player. I recommend rifling through drawers, hacking into his email account and looking through text messages when he's on the toilet.

5. If his favourite singers are Cher and Bette Midler, chances are he's not really 29.

6. A jealous fag hag will ruin your life. Run for the hills if feel like you've wandered on the set of Will & Grace.

7. Lower your standards. These are desperate times and you can always turn off the lights or hire a stylist.

8. Try to maintain the illusion that you're not a complete whore for at least the first few weeks.

9. Take off your beer/ecstasy/GHB goggles before getting on Twitter and announcing that you've found Mr Right because you're probably going to wake up next to someone who looks like Steve Buscemi.

10. Nothing says desperate stalker quite like updating your Facebook status to 'in a relationship' after the first date.

Taio Cruz - in the presence of greatness

Beyoncé's Forgotten Classic

So it's Friday afternoon and I'm counting down the minutes until I can leave work and hit up the nearest bar. Not that I'm an alcoholic or anything. Unfortunately, there are 60 long minutes to go and I'm dealing the pain the best way I know how - by watching Beyoncé videos on YouTube. There's nothing like a dose of Queen B to invigorate your soul. After all, she is the third closest thing to Jesus after La Toya and Kylie! This afternoon I've been concentrating on the wildly neglected "B'Day" era. Sure, I hated that album when it was released but I finally saw the light and now acknowledge its indisputable status as one of the greatest albums of the noughties. My favourite track changes on a daily basis but it's hard to surpass the brilliance of Bey's 6 and a half minute opus "Get Me Bodied". I often think of this gem as the seed that grew into "Single Ladies". The minimal production and hand claps are reminiscent of Honey Bee's modern classic but the drag-tastic lyrics about patting your weave and walking like Naomi Campbell - not to mention the lengthy running time - resulted in one of the biggest flops of the diva's career. "Get Me Bodied" stalled at #68 in the US and wasn't even released outside of North America. It's a shame because this is a camp anthem for the ages. Just take the amazing video, which features B's holy sister Solange and those two flops from Destiny's Child. The clip re-creates Bob Fosse's choreography from "Sweet Charity" and the result is a joyous celebration of Beyoncé's unmatched talent. Sit back and soak up the glamour of "Get me Bodied"!

A Holiday With Ness Ness

In June I wrote a semi-scathing post about "Holiday" being selected as the fourth single from "Hazardous". I didn't hate it, I was just annoyed (and still am to a certain extent) that surefire hits like "Blow Me Away" and "Touch Me" were overlooked in favour of a novelty song. So much for promoting Vanessa as a serious artist! Anyway, since then my position has softened. I'm still slightly bitter - my love for Ness Ness runs deep - but I have to admit that hearing "Holiday" on the radio in the middle of winter is a guilty pleasure. And I'm still waiting on my invitation to join the pop icon somewhere glamorous (Taree?) for some much needed R&R. The song is yet to catch fire on iTunes but it has jumped to #36 on the airplay chart, so it could go either way with this one. Fingers crossed it's a hit because I want a fifth single. Hopefully, the video will give "Holiday" a bit of a push. Fans have been brutal but I quite like it. Sure, it probably cost less than Vanessa's nose job and the low budget special effects don't always work but I like the graphics and think she looks gorgeous. At least it's not as tragic as her "This Is Who I Am" video! Check it out (below) and get downloading.

Kylie's Ode to K Lo - Video Review

I was ready for just about anything when I sat down to watch "All The Lovers" - apart from a stunning homage to Kelly Llorenna! Yes pop fans, Kylie has bathed in a vat of Golden Glow in a touching tribute to the orange goddess. You just know K Lo is crying tears of joy and gratitude in her super-powered sunbed. Maybe she'll return the favour by covering "All The Lovers" for her next stunning unreleased AATW anthem! Apart from resembling a walking advertisement for Le Tan, Kylie looks smokin' hot. And not just because fell asleep in the solarium. Bitch has finally shelled out the cash to see Dannii's high end plastic surgeon or hired James Cameron's CGI team because she could pass for 25. I love the hair and her costume is surprisingly flattering. Kylie has her swag back and I fully expect her to wear as little as possible during the entire "Aphrodite" campaign!

As for the rest of the film clip - I'm a little underwhelmed. Maybe the preview raised my expectations to an unrealistic level. It's definitely 100 times better than any of the "X" videos and the concept is clever. She is a modern day Aphrodite calling everyone to worship her and fuck at her feet. Nice. The cinematography is beautiful and it walks the fine line between sexy and tacky with ease. However, I somehow thought or hoped that the gang bang would be one scene in a greater storyline or plot. Or that there would at least be a couple of different set-ups. If Parlophone were going to spend the big bucks on any video then surely it should be this? The end result isn't bad by any means. In fact, it's better than 95% of the crap being churned out by her competitors but it's not the iconic triumph I was hoping for. That said, I love the random circus animals and the clip's simplicity reminds me of "Come Into My World" - which has gone on to become something of a classic. Perhaps I just need to watch it a couple more times before making a final judgement. Anyway, here's a link:

All The Lovers - Video Clip

"All The Lovers" will officially be unveiled on YouTube tomorrow. Hopefully someone tones down the orange before then. Hell, I could probably do it using Final Cut Pro if they're short on cash or techical support!

Two Kyrah Video Exclusives!

Pop Trash favourite Kyrah is gearing up for the release of her stunning debut single "Uh Oh" and kindly sent over a couple of promo videos for your viewing pleasure. These are not even on her own website yet - so they are a world exclusive. How fancy! I'm slightly obsessed with "Uh Oh", so I couldn't wait to see what Kyrah had to say about the song and video. The first clip (above) is just a fun shout out to her fans but the second one (below) is really interesting. The aspiring pop princess says the song is based on a friend "who doesn't care what guys think". I guess that's code for 'she's a slut'. Anyway, "Uh Oh" is apparently a female empowerment anthem! Kyrah then spills the juice on the video. Apparently she was inspired by Madonna's "Justify My Love", particularly "all the leather". The diva promises PVC, lace and lots of old Hollywood glamour. It sounds amazing! I'm told the video clip is almost finished, so expect to see a lot more from Kyrah in the next few days.