Pop Panel 3 - Week 3

Welcome to the most surreal Pop Panel yet. This week's selection includes songs from an Asian girlband, a tranny, one of Sweden's biggest stars and the owner of Germany's most famous child bearing hips. And then there's our winner. I really don't know what to say. Our third place getter was clearly ROBBED but I'm too amused by the outcome to be outraged. Only on Pop Trash Addicts! As much as I enjoyed the bitching and shock voting, this week was all about our celebrity guest judge. We've been blessed by the presence of a beautiful orange angel but more about her later. I should also reveal that I've implemented a small change this week by reducing the number of songs to seven after complaints that Pop Panel takes longer to read than War and Peace. Let me know what you think - if I should reduce the number of songs further or keep it as is. Anyway, time to get on with it. The Panel is comprised of the following bitches bloggers:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
J-Step (AUS) music industry insider
Mike (AUS) author of this classy blog
Robpop (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet

And then there's our special celebrity guest - the one and only Kelly Llorenna! This is such an honour. I've been obsessed with the golden goddess of pop since I first heard "Set You Free" in the 90s. She is a true legend and one of the sweetest people I've had the pleasure of dealing with. K Lo is still busy working on her Freak Asylum project with Love To Infinity but hopefully we'll be hearing something new before the end of the year. I'll update you as soon as there is any news regarding a release date. In the meantime, read my interview with the original Queen of Clubs and check out her iconic improvement of Madonna's "Dress You Up" (below).

As usual, the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Cascada – Night Nurse (Video)

Natalie & Co return with another Hi-NRG anthem.

D'Luv: Cascada's 17th attempt at remaking "Poker Face" comes close, but no cigar. At least this video had a budget of 30 euros. 2/5
J-Step: Fucking stupid song! Honestly, I go from liking Cascada to being a hater with each single release. Needless to say, I'm back on team hater. 2/5
Kelly Llorenna: Disappointed with this. Prefer when they are doing more uptempo stuff like "Evacuate the Dancefloor" etc. This just seems very weak compared to the fab pop tracks they have had out in the past... not really feeling the video either. They have done some great vids in the past but this is not one of my faves. I give it 2/5.
Mike: Poor Natalie looks like a plus sized Oompa Loompa in the video but this is entirely acceptable dance trash. Bring on the Yanou Candlelight Mix! 2.5/5
Robpop: An epic titanic shit track of leviathan proportions. 0/5
The Prophet: Why are these floptastic failures still releasing music? Ugh. I give this song some credit though because it's not as in-your-face HI-NRG as the rest of their stuff, and I respect them for slightly toning down their sound and trying something slightly different for a change. It's just a shame the song is so boring. 2/5
Total: 11/30

Alesha Dixon - Radio (Video)

2nd single from Alesha's forthcoming album.

D'Luv: I love how, to break Alesha in America, they have a total white trash couple fighting in a trailer in the video. It's like the "Love The Way You Lie" clip on a shoestring budget and with actors who actually suck worse than Megan Fox. It'll probably work, and this song will be a smash! 2/5
J-Step: Oh, Jesus, I thought Cascada was bad!!! Alesha attempting a ballad is so much worse than Cascada vomiting up and eating the same song for 10 years! 0.5/5
Kelly Llorenna: I was disappointed with this after loving the first single "Drummer Boy" off the new album and the video too. A bit "middle of the road" ballad for miss Dixon. She looks great as usual in the video but not as strong as her other stuff. Shame! As I do like her... I give it 3/5.
Mike: "Radio" sounds like something Ryan Tedder spewed out in 5 minutes between ads while watching the Antiques Roadshow but I kind of like it. Just a shame it was wasted on a talent free zone like Alesha. 3/5
Robpop: If the Cascada track was a Titanic mess, then this is its sister ship, the rms olympic which stayed the course as a ship and was eventually retired. In other words, this is okay but nothing outstanding. It manages to keep its course as an average listenable tune but will ultimately find itself retired into the sunset of the ether. 2/5
The Prophet: When is Alesha DICKson going to realise nobody cares about her solo career? An epic fail at ripping of Queen Robyn on this song. Ew. 0/5
Total: 11/30

Darin - Lovekiller (below)

Swedish pop star dusts off new single.

D'Luv: The appeal of this guy has escaped me for the large part of his career, though I like a few of his songs. This one's pretty exceptional. Just a really good, non-conventional ballad. 4/5
J-Step: If this really is Sweden's 'King of Pop' then they're in dire need of some new talent. This song (worst metaphor EVER) is almost laughable. When the hell are you supposed to pump this out of your speakers? Mine have just given me a strongly worded warning featuring many expletives that if I even think about doing it again they're going to incinerate themselves. 1/5
Kelly Llorenna: Always love videos which start as a feature film. It took a few plays for me to get into this but kind of like it. I don't really know a lot about this guy but he seems to be doing something right. Nice voice too. I think there are bigger songs to come from him yet. The song is ok but easily forgotten. The bit in the video where they are in the church with black eyes freaked me out! lol! 3/5
Mike: And the award for the most heavy handed and depressing metaphor in recent pop history goes to Darin. This made me want to take a warm bath with a sharp razor. The thing is - I kind of love how over the top it is and will probably play "Lovekiller" on the repeat when I'm old, alone and living in a rundown caravan park with 30 cats. 3.5/5
Robpop: Oh there are those strings again. 2 points already. By the time of chorus kicks in, you could imagine this being sung by Jordin Sparks. Not that that's entirely a bad thing but it is totally void of character and emotion. As a stand alone song I feel this is actually the best of the bunch this week but there is absolutely emotion or soul in it. Leaves me numb. 3/5
The Prophet: Darin is only relevant when he's performing with the LEGENDARY Kat DeLuna. Flop. 0/5
Total: 14.5/30

Girls' Generation - Hoot (Video)

Korean girlband unveils latest smash.

D'Luv: Great. So a pack of Korean strippers got ahold of daddy's Platinum Visa card, Mapquested their way to Victoria's Secret and now think they're Girls Aloud. They've actually got 50 times more charisma than Girls Aloud, but this is still boring as fuck. 1/5
J-Step: They're no BoA! Catchy chorus, though. And I love the clip! 3/5
Kelly Llorenna: Wasn't sure what to expect from this girlband as I had never heard anything about them but was pleasantly surprised!! Very catchy pop song which reminded me of something Girls Aloud would do. Really liked the video too... very poppy and couldn't stop singing it all day lol. The only thing I couldn't figure out was how many where in the band!? lol! I give it 4/5.
Mike: If the Wonder Girls are Asia's answer to Destiny's Child, then I guess that makes Girls Generation the Korean Shakaya. 1/5
Robpop: Reasonably okay pop from Girls Generation. A bit too tedious and lukewarm for me. It kinda sounds like an S Club 8 b-side. 3/5
The Prophet: These girls never fail to have the best and catchiest hooks on all their stunning hits. "Hoot" is no "Gee" but it's still amazing, nonetheless. 5/5
Total: 17/30

Slash feat. Fergie - Beautiful Dangerous (Video)

Ex-Guns N Roses guitarist gets fergalicious.

D'Luv: No. 0/5
J-Step: Hot song, hot video = HOT, HOT, HOT!!! 4/5
Kelly Llorenna: Love it, love it. love it!!! My fave out of all the reviews. I am a massive fan of Slash and Fergie. This rocks!!! This is one of them tracks I wish I had done!!! lol! Slash's guitar licks and Fergie's bad ass voice!!! Winning formula!!! And the video!!! Wow!!! And the best butt award goes to? Wow she looks amazing!!! My fave!!! 5/5
Mike: Absolutely stunning. This was never going to be a hit but I love everything about it. The Dutchess shows P!nk how a real rock chick rolls! And as much as it pains me to admit, I agree with The Prophet. Fergie needs to take a holiday from the Peas and do her own thing. Someone needs to put the pretenders in check. 5/5
Robpop: Crap.0/5
The Prophet: Fergie just SNATCHED AND SLAYED your faves! Stay mad! She needs to fuck off this electro shit with the Black Eyed PEA BRAINS and start work on her own ROCK album. 5/5
Total: 19/30

Peppermint – Let U have It (Video)

New York's hottest tranny gets sexy.

D'Luv: This is what Hell sounds like, as produced by C+C Music Factory. 5/5
J-Step: I prefer spearmint, bitch. Leave the yelling to Kelis. Keep the guy, though! 2.5/5
Kelly Llorenna: I feel a RuPaul vibe here! The song reminds me of a Britney track. The song is slightly weak for me but the video makes up for it as it's very glam and sexy. I couldn't remember the song...but I could tell you all about the video! lol! I give it 2/5 for song, 4/5 for video.
Mike: Ultra Nate called and wants her "Automatic" video back but I can't hate on Peppermint despite her ruthless swagga jacking. Any diva that spends her entire video groping a naked man is ok by me and I love that the song sounds like an En Vogue B-side from 1992. 5/5
Robpop: When I heard Naomi Campbell was releasing an album with Lenny Kravitz back in the heady days of the 1990's I thought she'd put out something like this. Despite being a tiny bit dated, this is not bad. Not overly brilliant. But good. 2.5/5
The Prophet: It's no "Tranny in the House" but it's still epically defining. I just wanna EAT that guys ASS like I'm MUNCHING on a giant slice of WATERMELON! Is that too vulgar? Whatever. 4.5/5
Total: 21.5/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Susan Boyle – Perfect Day (below)

Susie covers Lou Reed.

D'Luv: I'd fuck her. 5/5
J-Step: Surprisingly enough, I like this. Anyone else see the parallels with Vanessa Amorosi's "Perfect"? Both in the name and video's sweeping pan shots... haha, love it! 4/5
Kelly Llorenna: After seeing her on Piers Morgan, I actually really like her now. I still prefer Lou Reed's version but this is not bad... got a Christmas vibe going on with the choir and bells and chimes in the background! lol. It reminds me of something Cliff Richard would bring out (as he normally does) for Christmas... I give it 2.5/5.
Mike: The arrangement is cute in a vomit inducing kind of way and there's no denying Susie's hypnotic sex appeal but I wish K Lo had recorded a stunning Hi-NRG cover version instead. "Perfect Day" needs Kelly's powerhouse vocals and legendary golden glow! Maybe next year? 3.5/5
Robpop: Actually, this is a beautiful arrangement. For sure, I have "issues" with the cover and the singer but putting those prejudices aside this is actually a rather stunning version. I like the way they've brought in strings. Something of which I have a huge weak spot for. Respect goes to covers which have re-worked it and brought out different aspects, narratives and emotions that weren't really there originally. 5/5
The Prophet: I LOVE Auntie Susie! I know Susie's turned this classic into an English Church hymn but I don't care. I even bought this single legally on iTunes. That Susie reign just won't let up! 5/5
Total: 25/30

Kelly Llorenna - Pop Trash Interview

If I had to choose my favourite post from the past five years of Pop Trash Addicts, I'd probably go with my retrospective on Kelly Llorenna's career - Requiem For An Orange Goddess. It's not particularly well written or insightful (in fact, I think I was high when I wrote it: "The mere sight of Kelly is enough to throw her core audience of unwed teenage mothers and derelict homosexuals into an uncontrollable frenzy" - LOL!) but it captures the depth of my love for the holy pop icon. K Lo is an acquired taste but I was smitten from the first time I heard "Set You Free" in the mid-90s. That lead to years of crazed fandom on the old AATW forum and even a ratty fansite I put together with Jamie - who classily founded Kelly's first fanclub. Respect! The original Queen of clubs has been a bit quiet lately but she's on the cusp of a fabulous comeback as the face of Freak Asylum - a new band she founded with the boys from Love To Infinity. Their sound is an interesting change of pace for the diva but I'm sure her tens millions of fans will go along for the ride. Kelly was kind enough to take time out of her busy schedule of tanning and nightclub PAs to answer some questions about her amazing career and new venture. K Lo, we salute you!

Kelly, I'm such a big fan. I can't wait to probe you properly but before we get into it - can you please debunk the hateful rumours that you sleep in a vat of golden glow?
Ha ha... well, my darling, the rumours are true! I have a special bedroom with a bed (like a coffin!) that sprays me all night and every night! With the special K-Lo glow! Laughs. Gotta keep the glow up, guys!! (Laughs again). Now that I am platinum blonde (for my sins... my dark roots grow through in 48hrs. Not good as I will probably be bald by Xmas!) I have ditched the tan for good! Being blonde with a tan is definitely not a good look, you will be pleased to know!

Did you ever think your luminous natural tan would become your trademark?
Ha ha. Hey, it could be worse!! (Laughs). But I can have a joke and don't take myself too seriously when it comes to tan jokes. (Laughs again).

You are one of pop music's great survivors – first coming to international super stardom as the voice of N-Trance, then as the original Queen of Clubs and now as the face of Freak Asylum. How do you explain your longevity in the industry?
Simple! 3 words! I SING LIVE! There's few and far between that can cut it in dance music. It's ok having the hits but you have to be able to sing them live! I have seen lots of singers come and go over the years!

“All Clubbed Up” is one of the defining albums of the noughties. Did you receive any flack for releasing a greatest hits compilation as your debut? Why was it so long in the making?
No, I didn't really get any flack as I had done, and featured on, some massive dance tracks before my solo career, so it made sense to do a greatest hits... even though it was 50/50 the hits and new songs I had written too.

That era spawned a bunch of classic tracks like “Heart Of Gold”, “Brighter Day” and your amazing top 10 smash hit cover of Taylor Dayne’s “Tell It To My Heart”. Do you have a favourite from the early years?
Ooh!! Too many for different reasons! Obviously "Set You Free", which was a personal achievement for me and the band. It was a long time coming and we gigged that for years before it ever did anything in the charts. "Tell It To My Heart" (below) because even though I had solo singles out before, it was my first top ten.

Is there anything that you absolutely hate and wish you had never recorded?
Erm!! Ys but not gonna say. He he!

During those years, you were the undisputed Queen of AATW. How did you feel when first Dannii and then Cascada tried to steal your rightful crown?
Oh nothing at all! Manian and Yanou from Cascada make great dance songs and their production is class and Natalie has a great pop voice. I've done a lot of gigs with them and they are cool guys. Dannii is cool too. Love To Infinity have written with and produced Dannii. She went to Andy's Birthday Party! We all love Dannii and she is now a yummy mummy too!

Why have so many of your best songs remained unreleased? “One Day I’ll Fly Away” and “Nobody Like You” are two of my favourite K Lo anthems. And your massive improvement on Madonna’s “Dress You Up” was an internet smash. Is there a massive conspiracy to keep you from taking over the charts?
Ha ha... that has been said many times! (Laughs). The tracks you have mentioned where down to behind the scenes politics but hey, that's life! But yeah, tracks like "Nobody Like You" was one of my faves too! "Dress You Up" is still big on the gigs just like when I did the UK Arena tour... maybe certain people have a voodoo doll stickin' pins in me not to succeed! (Laughs).

Over the past couple of years you have collaborated often with legendary dance outfit Love To Infinity. “Keep Love Together” and “Sweetest Day Of May” are huge favourites of mine. How did that union come about?
Andy, Pete and Dave Lee from Love To Infinity and myself go way back!! Andy Lee engineered "Set You Free" back in the day! So, we've been friends a long time. On each part we both had mutual respect and loved what each one of us was doing so it made sense to work together on the LTI stuff. I joined Love To Infinity as an equal member in 2007 as their new singer, and now we have FREAK ASYLUM together.
Tell me more about Freak Asylum. Whose idea was it?
The band was born in a bar in Las Vegas. Andy and I were contemplating what to do with all our musical influences, so Freakz was the natural progression. It's a collaboration between myself and the Love To Infinity Brothers. A whole new band. It's been a dream of ours for along time now! Great songs, great guitar riffs, great huge synths, killer dance beats. Basically, great pop/rock/dance/radio friendly songs. I really think you are all gonna love the new album. Think Pink, Madonna, Gwen Stefani, Kelly Clarkson etc. Freak Asylum rock! Check us out at www.freakasylum.co.uk , @freakasylum on twitter, I just got an iPhone 4, so I will be tweeting all the time now! Follow me Freakz for all my wonderful wacky thoughts and ideas! It's gonna be freakin' mad!!

What is it like to re-invent yourself after so many years as the golden goddess of Hi-NRG? Are your fans shocked by your new sound?
Freak Asylum KICKS ASS!! Wait till you hear songs like "Fetish" and "Something To Say" with Korn's Guitarist Shane Gibson! There is an energy to these songs that I just can't describe. They are very uptempo! So the Kelly fans are still gonna love this! I wanted this new start to have no preconceptions, to come back with a whole new look, new image, new sound and most importantly NEW BAND. Freak Asylum is a band and we will be out touring very soon and all my fans have embraced it which is brilliant! Thank you soooooo much! So onwards and upwards as they say! And as you know my alias is Lola Leethal! Ooh yeah! It's my alter ego! And believe me, you ain't seen nothing yet! Lola is bad ass! There is a whole side to me you all have never seen yet! Ha ha.

Who have you worked with on the new album? I read that Toby Gad was involved.
I've been in LA a lot working on the new record and this has taken a lot of time to get the songs right. It's all about the songs for us. We've got some of the best writers on the planet like Toby Gad, who I just LOVE! His work with Beyonce, Alicia Keys and, of course, The Veronicas is amazing... so I feel very honoured to have one of his songs and it's a killer song "You Better Leave"! You guys are gonna love it and you will be hearing it very soon! Working with Peter Hook from New Order/Joy Division was also great. He played on two songs on the album and wrote one with us. He came down to the studio with the original bass he used on "LOVE WILL TEAR US APART". Now that's a serious piece of music history sat in that bass guitar case! Hooky has a totally unique sound, you can always tell when Hooky is playing on a record and that's such a cool thing to have a sound that everyone instantly knows.

I've been working with a true Guitar legend 'Mr Scary' George Lynch, George is the original LA guitar hero, a stunning player I'm honored to have him on the record, you will not believe what he can do with a guitar! And his tone is killer. Nobody and I mean nobody has guitar tone like George Lynch. We first met Shane Gibson, who plays guitar with Korn, a couple of years ago in LA, as we know Ray Luzier, Korn's Drummer, Andy has recorded with Ray in the studio. Shane does the impossible guitar parts on the album! He's wicked!! So you see I wanted an eclectic mix of the best people playing on the Freakz album.

When is the lead single going to be released?
We are in the process of deciding on the first Freak Asylum single, we have 6 possible singles. All killer, no filler as I said! And we have also started storyboarding first the video. Ooh you're gonna love it! Trust me! Lola AND Kelly. Nuff said!

Your new image is outrageous and sexier than ever. How did Lola Leethal evolve?
Ha ha. I have always been Lola Lethal but never had the chance to let her be leashed to the public! Ha ha, she is out now and trust me, you gonna see plenty of Lola!

Finally, you haven’t aged a day since the mid-90s. Can you share the secret of your eternal youth and stunning beauty?
Haha...eternal youth? Maybe the golden glow works (Laughs)! Joking aside, I don't do anything apart from the usual girly things but I think being happy and appreciate what you have and making the best of it helps... also being self aware what suits you and doesn't! Oh yeah! I forgot - wear a descent pair of sunglasses haha!!

You can listen to a clip of Freak Asylum's music on their Myspace. Make sure you also visit their website and add Lola Leethal on Facebook. You know you want Kelly as a Facebook friend as much as I do! For more Freak Asylum, check out Gordon's fabulous interview with Kelly over at Diva Incarnate.

Kylie's Ode to K Lo - Video Review

I was ready for just about anything when I sat down to watch "All The Lovers" - apart from a stunning homage to Kelly Llorenna! Yes pop fans, Kylie has bathed in a vat of Golden Glow in a touching tribute to the orange goddess. You just know K Lo is crying tears of joy and gratitude in her super-powered sunbed. Maybe she'll return the favour by covering "All The Lovers" for her next stunning unreleased AATW anthem! Apart from resembling a walking advertisement for Le Tan, Kylie looks smokin' hot. And not just because fell asleep in the solarium. Bitch has finally shelled out the cash to see Dannii's high end plastic surgeon or hired James Cameron's CGI team because she could pass for 25. I love the hair and her costume is surprisingly flattering. Kylie has her swag back and I fully expect her to wear as little as possible during the entire "Aphrodite" campaign!

As for the rest of the film clip - I'm a little underwhelmed. Maybe the preview raised my expectations to an unrealistic level. It's definitely 100 times better than any of the "X" videos and the concept is clever. She is a modern day Aphrodite calling everyone to worship her and fuck at her feet. Nice. The cinematography is beautiful and it walks the fine line between sexy and tacky with ease. However, I somehow thought or hoped that the gang bang would be one scene in a greater storyline or plot. Or that there would at least be a couple of different set-ups. If Parlophone were going to spend the big bucks on any video then surely it should be this? The end result isn't bad by any means. In fact, it's better than 95% of the crap being churned out by her competitors but it's not the iconic triumph I was hoping for. That said, I love the random circus animals and the clip's simplicity reminds me of "Come Into My World" - which has gone on to become something of a classic. Perhaps I just need to watch it a couple more times before making a final judgement. Anyway, here's a link:

All The Lovers - Video Clip

"All The Lovers" will officially be unveiled on YouTube tomorrow. Hopefully someone tones down the orange before then. Hell, I could probably do it using Final Cut Pro if they're short on cash or techical support!