How To Polish A Turd With Beyoncé

"Videophone" was the only real misstep of the entire Sasha Fierce era. I hated "Diva" to begin with but the brilliant Karmatronic remix went on to become my favourite floorfiller of 2009. Releasing "Broken Hearted Girl" was another dubious decision but the gorgeous video somehow made it bearable. Unfortunately, the album's 8th single was a total stinker. Bad song, worse remixes and a video that is only redeemed by Beyoncé's endless sex appeal and all round superiority to Lady Gaga. I guess you could argue that it really didn't matter by then but "Sasha Fierce" is still riding high in the Australian top 20 seventy two weeks after release - so who knows what a radio hit could have done for the album. It's frustrating because "Radio", "Smash Into You" and "Disappear" all had massive chart potential. Happily, I've finally found something to love about "Videophone" - the completely amazing WAWA remix (below). I'm a huge fan of the Polish house maestros but I think something got lost in translation because the boys have turned B's sleazy urban jam into the gayest dance anthem of 2010. Setting lyrics like "dem hustlers keep on talkin', they like the way I'm walkin'" to cheesy house beats should have been a complete disaster but it works. In an unintentionally hilarious kind of way! I just need someone to re-edit the video to this version and I can close the book on "Sasha Fierce" a satisfied fanboy. Oh and you might be wondering why new remixes are still being commissioned. The song is currently storming up the US dance chart (#5 with a bullet). If "Videophone" reaches #1, it will be the 6th song from the album to do so. That's got to be some kind of record. Right?

Get Physical With Chris Sorbello

Isn't it beautiful? The CD, not my hand. I love the cover, approve of the tracklisting and appreciate the fact that we're getting a physical single. Thank you, Hussle! You can pre-order your very own copy of "So Lonely" from Chaos now or wait until the 19th of April to hunt it down in one of the three remaining record stores that still sell singles in Australia. Alternatively, you could just enter my competition and hope for the best. All you have to do is leave a comment suggesting a song for Chris to cover on her debut album. The three most interesting/amusing entries will win a copy of "So Lonely". It's easier than Kiely Williams! And who knows, Chris might even take your advice. Oh and here's the amazing video one more time. Those smoke dancers never fail to mesmerise...

Holestar, Kiely, Russella, Jer Ber & Karina

Tonight's post is dedicated to the underground icons of pop trash. These trannies, low rent hoes and motivational speakers devote their lives to pushing boundaries - fearlessly going where mainstream divas fear to tread. They sing about the important things in life (make-up, dancefloor politics, being fucked up the arse etc) and generally make the internet a more fabulous place with their ruthless publicity whoring and high budget video extravaganzas. I know some people roll their eyes at these hot bitches but I can't imagine tragic gay bars or YouTube without them. They are the true innovators of pop music and deserve to be honoured. Ladies, you have found a home on Pop Trash! There are literally hundred of divas I could have written about but here are five of the best - starting with London's hottest female tranny. A couple of weeks ago I featured Holestar's amazing debut single and the lavish video is finally here! Basically, Holestar gets on Chatroulette and scares a bunch of straight boys (see below). It's simple but incredibly effective. By the way, check out Worrapolova to snag a free remix and learn more about this rising superstar.

The next stunning anthem comes from a former Cheetah Girl. I had no idea who Kiely Williams was before a link to "Spectacular" appeared in my inbox but I know I'll never forget her. In one fell swoop, Kiely has kicked all the pretenders to the curb and reached icon status. I haven't heard this kind of unadulterated filth since Vanity revolutionised music as we know it in the 80s. "Spectacular" begins with the classy lyrics "last I remember I was face down, ass up, clothes off" and goes on to feature a lot of heavy groaning and classy ad-libs like "I hope he used a rubber" - all bow down to the new Queen of pop! The video is also a work of art. Kiely dances like a stripper in an outfit that Divine Brown would deem too tasteless. Some sleazy guy also gets his arse out for your viewing pleasure. Can someone please give Kiely the MTV Award for best video now? This is essential viewing for all trash fans!

After featuring two (semi-) natural women, it's time to give the trannies some loving. I wish I knew more about Russella because I'm completely obsessed with her genre defining debut single. I tried to do some digging but all I found was her Gardening blog! For the full Russella experience, watch her plant rhubarb in full drag here. As amazing as her gardening adventures are, the diva's music is even more gripping. "Too Fabulous" is pure class from the opening line "I'm just a long legged lady with a big set of balls" to the final tinny beat. I can honestly picture someone like Heidi Montag stealing this for her next iTunes smash. It's fierce, fresh and fabulous. And then there's the brilliant video. Russella is clearly a creative tour de force. I love the gay makeovers and classy costumes. Revel in her glamour below. Oh and make sure to watch the stunner's amazing Destiny's Child video.

My next honouree is the legendary Jer Ber Jones. I've been a Jer Ber fan since my friend Ro Ro introduced me to her special brand of musical magic back in 2007 and I'm glad to see that she's back with a new anthem. This time around the diva has joined forced with the equally stunning Calpernia Adams on "Transfixed". I genuinely love this song. The production is amazing and the ladies' eerie vocals give the song an edge. Speaking of eeriness, don't watch the video before bedtime or you'll have nightmares. And I'm not talking about their less is more approach to make-up! "Transfixed" is wonderfully weird and creepy. I love the disturbing special effects and dance moves. So much time, effort and creativity (not to mention, at least $20) went into this. If only Jer Ber's mainstream rivals could say the same. Check out this fabulous acid trip doubling as a video clip below.

Last but definitely not least is Philadelphia's favourite daughter. I've been meaning to write about Karina Bradley for months but The Prophet and D Listed got there first. The song slipped my mind until I rescued The Prophet from a Melrose Place marathon on Sunday night and we drove around for 4 hours listening to "Dance Floor Diva" on repeat. 'Cause that's how we roll! And while other gays have fallen for the stunning beauty's endless camp appeal, I honestly believe this is one of the best pop songs of 2010. "Dance Floor Diva" succeeds where recent efforts by Robyn, Britney and Christina have all failed - by perfectly combining heavenly vocals, insightful lyrics and revolutionary production. Karina simply does it better! The video is also a masterpiece. The poor bitch looks like a drag queen that's been locked in a sunbed for 48 hours before being forced to wear one of Jordan's old outfits. It's heaven! Oh and if you're wondering how she managed to fund such an iconic video - check out Karina's day job here. I would die to go to one of her workshops!

Gabriella Cilmi's Ten - Review

My unwritten album reviews are starting to pile up like Janet's dildos. I've been meaning to comment on the latest from Marina & The Diamonds, Ellie Goulding, Edurne, Goldfrapp and Jason Derulo (stop smirking - it's amazing!) for weeks. And while I prefer some of those CDs to the subject of tonight's post, Gabriella Cilmi's "Ten" has unexpectedly wormed its way into my heart and mind. A lot of fans are struggling with her new look and sound but I'm glad the boring bogan has been replaced by a slutty stunner with a pocketful of hot dance tunes. I think all old before their time crooners should be given a Hi-NRG makeover before menopause! Yes, it's undeniably calculated and more than a little desperate but Gabriella somehow pulls it off. The album isn't perfect by any means - the two singles have been underwhelming and a couple of unnecessary ballads drag the whole thing down - but "Ten" houses six or seven genuinely brilliant pop songs. And most of the credit has to go to Gabi. Sure, her label helped out by hiring the who's who of hot producers (Xenomania, Greg Kurstin and Dallas Austin) and hit songwriters but the diva's distinctive voice is the glue that holds the whole project together, bringing a warmth and humanity to even the most generic turd. Put your preconceptions aside and enjoy one of 2010's most endearing pop albums.

On A Mission - 6/10

The only thing that stopped "On A Mission" suffering a similar fate to Amy Pearson's vastly superior "Butterfingers" (yes, I said it!) is the fact that Gabriella actually looks good in a mini skirt. As you probably already guessed, I'm not a huge fan of the album's lead single. It's pleasant enough but the Rogue Traders were doing this shit back in 2007. I particularly hate the spoken interlude and embarrassing space video. Barbarella has been done to death (see Kylie's brilliant "Put Yourself In My Place") and Gabi should avoid performing choreography at all costs! The song's saving grace is the amazing Wideboys remix, which injects "On A Mission" with some much needed fun and energy.

Hearts Don't Lie - 7/10

So this is the second single? It's definitely better than "On A Mission" but Gabriella's disco throwback doesn't really strike me as chart gold. Admittedly, the track is something of a grower and I love Xenomania's lavish Bee Gees meets the Scissor Sisters approach to production. I just can't help but feel that something is missing. Like a decent chorus. The song also suffers in comparison to La Toya's similarly titled 80s classic "Heart Don't Lie". It's a shame because Gabi's vocal is epic and the lyrics are suitably sexy. Fingers crossed for a decent video and more hot remixes!

What If You Knew - 9/10

After a couple of early disappointments, everything comes together on "What If You Knew". Produced by The Invisible Men (Sugababes and Noisettes), this catchy little jam is so 80s it hurts. Think A-Ha meets Duran Duran with a smattering Yazoo thrown in for good measure. Yes, it's that amazing! I love the cute lyrics and appreciate the fact that Gabriella can be understated and vulnerable when the song demands it. I think this is probably too subtle to be a single but it's well worth checking out.

Love Me Cos You Want To - 10/10

"Love Me Cos You Want To" is another sublime 80s throwback (courtesy of The Invisible Men) with a big, beautiful chorus. What sets this apart from the rest of the album, however, is the song's softness and honesty. The lyrics are genuinely moving without feeling forced or manipulative and Gabriella really connects with that in her delicate vocal delivery. This would have been perfect for Kylie. If "Ten" is a massive flop, she should steal it for her next album. Dreamy pop doesn't come much better than this.

Defender - 4/10

Gabriella channels Celine on this shiteous ballad. No thanks.

Robots - 9/10

There should be a separate sub-genre for songs about robots. It seems like every bitch with a synthesizer has explored this metaphor at one time or another but Gabi's is definitely one of the better attempts. Actually, I'd probably rank this second only to Margaret Berger's legendary "Robot Song". The slick beats and romantic synths suit the subject matter perfectly. I also appreciate the clever lyrics. How lovely is this: "What if we were made from wires and spare parts? What if there was only science in our hearts?"

Superhot - 9/10

International dance sensation Luciana teams up with husband Nick Clow, Paul Harris (Kylie) and Ian Masterson (Dannii) for the album's best floorfiller. While the majority of "Ten" is soft and pretty mid-tempo electro, "Superhot" gives Gabriella some much needed edge. I actually think they could beef up the production to make it more club friendly but this is one of the album's few potential radio hits. Who doesn't want a super hot guy with a super hot ride? With all due respect to Gabi, I'd kill to hear Luciana's demo. She was born to sing this kind of tongue in cheek filth!

Boys - 9.5/10

I guess most people with a beating heart will be able to identify with this surprisingly scathing little tune. "Boys" is another viable single choice. There's nothing like a bitter break up anthem to win over the depressed gays and underappreciated housewives! Moreover, the track is fucking catchy. Gabriella brings just the right amount of attitude to the proceedings, while Dallas Austin's production is spot on. I love the heavy synths and catchy vocal hooks. Wait, is she yodelling? Whatever. I approve.

Invisible Girl - 5/10

Britney called and wants her "Blackout" demo back. Yawn.

Glue - 7/10

The lacklustre ballads really let "Ten" down. "Glue" is pleasant enough - I particularly like the faint hint of gospel in the chorus - but it's all been done before and better. Gabriella's beautiful voice makes it work but the album would have been more coherent if they had stuck to the electro-pop brief.

Let Me Know - 7/10

Was this recycled from "Lessons To Be Learned"? It's not bad by any means. I actually love the organic production and beefy chorus but what is an admittedly fun nod to Motown doing on this album? It just sounds so out of place.

Superman - 8/10

Greg Kurstin is one of my favourite producers. He gave Sia a top 40 hit and almost made Ke$ha sound classy on "Animal". Clearly, there is no limit to his talent! It comes as something of a surprise then that "Superman" isn't as great as some of the other tracks. Again, it's more "Lessons To Be Learned" than "Ten". That said, the production is suitably slinky and the intro is lovely ("falling so fast for you, I'd need a parachute"). I guess my expectations were just too high. It could be a grower.

Sweet About Me (Twenty Ten Version) - 7/10

Bitch, please! We all know you can probably retire from the proceeds of this one song but it's time to move on. The remix is actually pretty great but its inclusion here is sad and embarrassing.

Sucker For Love - 3/10

You'd be a sucker for spending cash on this lame iTunes bonus track.

Luciana's Plans For World Domination

2010 is the year of Luciana. My favourite dance diva is riding one hell of a winning streak at the moment with a massive hit in Australia and no less than 5 singles slated for release over the next few months! With so many projects on the boil, it can be a little difficult to keep track of pop's hardest working woman - so I thought I'd put together a little summary. Here goes:

1. Australian Chart Domination

As I mentioned previously, "I Like That" has been THE crossover dance smash of the Australian summer. Last week it peaked at #16 and received a Gold certification. I thought that was an amazing feat for an unheralded club record but then Australia's Got Talent happened. The song is currently being used to promote the show and the sight of a heavily pregnant Dannii Minogue busting a move to Luciana surrounded by two gross losers has transfixed the nation (watch video below). "I Like That" has since rocketed to #2 on Australian iTunes and looks set to jump in the top 10 this week. I'm so exited for her!

2. Mike Protests Vicious Records

My one man protest of Vicious Records was an epic fail. LOL. I'm devastated that Luciana's biggest hit is not being released physically, while Ian Carey's (admittedly fabulous) flop "Shot Caller" was. I know physical singles are being phased out but fans still collect them - remix loving dance music fans in particular. Maybe the song's new burst of popularity will sway them. At this stage I'd be happy with an acetate DJ promo in a clear plastic slip! Hint.

3. Luciana Returns To Australia

Luci is coming back to Australia later this month to promote "I Like That" with a series of club shows. However, none are slated for Sydney as yet. Rude. I notice she is performing at Bedroom Nightclub - where I recently saw the legendary Ami Suzuki! - so another trip to the Gold Coast might be on the cards.

4. Behind The Scenes Of "I Like That"

Check it out here. Amazing!

5. Next Australian Single

Now, this is where it gets a bit confusing. I know at least two local labels were sniffing around her latest collaboration with Bodyrox, "Shut Your Mouth", but I believe the new frontrunner is "Skin I'm In". Both tracks are great but I think the latter showcases Luciana's versatility better and is slightly more commercial. Can't wait to hear a proper studio version!

6. Luciana Does Gabriella Cilmi

The Queen of electroclash somehow found the time to pen a song for Gabriella Cilmi's surprisingly great sophomore album. I'll eventually get around to reviewing "Ten" but check out Luciana's contribution. "Superhot" is seriously amazing and would have made a much better single than the La Toya rip off "Hearts Don't Lie".

7. French Single And Video

David Vendetta is the latest DJ to benefit from Luciana's powerhouse vocals and songwriting genius. "Make Boys Cry" is slated for a single release in France and a video clip has been filmed. No word yet on a release date. I love this song. It's fucking epic. Fingers crossed, it will get a full international release.

8. New UK Single

Luciana features on Lethal Bizzle's latest single "Go Go Go". To be honest, I'd never even heard of the UK rapper before this collaboration but apparently he's quite a big deal. The classy neon drenched video has even been exclusively unveiled on The Sun's website. What a hot tune! He even raps about Beyoncé! I smell a hit.

9. Behind The Scenes of "Go Go Go"

Watch it!

10. N-Dubz Collaboration!

Last but definitely not least, Luci has hooked up with the UK's hottest hip hop outfit N-Dubz to record a song called "We Dance On" for the soundtrack of a new 3D movie called Streetdance. A video clip is also in the works. The song hasn't leaked yet but the film looks stunning - kind of like a crunk version West Side Story! Check out the trailer below.

Phew!

A Kyrah Update

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a little post about Kyrah. Since then I've received more feedback about the rising pop star than anyone else I've featured on this blog in the past five years. It seems everyone loves Kyrah or loves to hate her. Either way, the new Ke$ha has definitely made an impact and I thought I'd give you an update on her latest movements. Firstly, "Uh Oh" has been confirmed as her debut single. The final radio edit will be mixed by Ash Howes (Kylie, Marina & The Diamonds and Little Boots) and remixes have already been commissioned from Digital Dog and Almighty. I haven't heard the latter - Since when did Almighty come back in fashion? I feel like it's 1997 all over again! - but the Digital Dog mixes are amazing. Check out the Digital Dog Radio Edit below. Great stuff but they've removed the now iconic lyric "wake up naked and it's oops I'm naked". Scandal! In other news, Kyrah is gearing up to film the "Uh Oh" video clip in the next couple of weeks. I'm told it will be old Hollywood meets white trash. Sounds right up my alley! Oh and she finally has a proper internet presence. Check out/add/follow Kyrah on:

1. Mixpod
2. Twitter
3. Myspace
4. Facebook

Anyway, here's her first remix:

Give Yoko Something

I've always been fascinated by Yoko Ono. Until the arrival of Cheryl Cole, she was the world's most hated woman. A lesser being would have crumbled under the pressure but the Japanese icon wore the title as a badge of honour and just kept on doing her thing. It's taken 40 odd years but Yoko finally appears to have found her niche - as a 77 year old dance queen! 2007's fabulously titled "Open Your Box" has spawned 9 singles, the latest of which is a remix of her classic 1980 anthem "Give Me Something". The song is currently sitting at #3 on the US club chart and is as good a starting point as any for an exploration of the misunderstood diva's music career. "Walking On Thin Ice" will always be my favourite Ono opus but "Give Me Something" comes a close second. The quirky tune holds up incredibly well, making it the perfect candidate for a dance overhaul. I love the minimal but still meaningful lyrics, while Yoko's wonderfully demented vocal delivery sounds brilliant against the driving club beats. All of the remixes are amazing but I'm obsessed with the Stonebridge Vocal Mix (below). There's something cruel and clinical about the production that just works brilliantly. I wish Australian DJs would show Yoko as much love as their American counterparts because this hot bitch is the new Queen of Clubs! Fact.