From Here To Anywhere - Album Review

This is a revised version of a review I wrote for Channel V, which might explain why it's a bit more... restrained than usual. Enjoy!

Sneaky Sound System's third album picks up where their underrated 2008 sophomore effort "2" left off - with a dreamy mix of '80s synths and cutting-edge electronica. Only this time around, the Australian duo is less concerned with crafting radio-ready pop hits (although there is no shortage of singleworthy material) and more intent on putting their own unique spin on an ambitious array of dance music sub-genres.

Album opener "Friends" rides a thumping bassline all the way to a gigantic chorus that heralds the return of two of the nation's best songsmiths. The track is seeped in lashings of late '90s house-beats, which should prove irresistible to clubbers and pop fans alike. That gem is followed by their current radio hit "Big" and the album's misguided lead single "We Love". The latter is the easily the weakest moment on "From Here To Anywhere" and, unfortunately, gives a false impression of what the third-coming of Sneaky Sound System is all about.

Happily, that generic club-banger makes way for the shimmery "Really Want To See You Again" and all is forgiven. Miss Connie really shows her vocal chops on this effortlessly pretty tune and continues to mine the heartbreak on the Human League-inspired "Remember". Albeit this time against a towering wall of synths. After a couple of sonic detours, the duo return to more commercial ground on "The Colours" and "I Need You So". Both are expertly crafted floorfillers and will, no doubt, find their way to a nightclub near year you in the not too distant future.

Perhaps more interesting is the ambitious "1984", which sounds like a bizarre cross between Pet Shop Boys and Enigma. The quirky lyrics and experimental production flourishes mark this as one of the band's most accomplished tunes. "I'm Not Leaving", on the other hand, is the record's pure pop moment. An irresistibly catchy blend of '80s Donna Summer and early noughties Kylie Minogue, this summery tune is destined to be a future single.

The album closes with "Lovetown", a sexy Balearic anthem that shows how far Miss Connie and Black Angus have come in the past three years. "From Here To Anywhere" is a perfectly judged comeback from one of the country's most consistently brilliant pop acts.

8/10

Edit: My only criticism of this fantastic album is the lack of killer singles. It suffers a bit from Aphrodite-itis. there are lots of very good songs but only two that really scream out to be played on the radio ("Big" and "I'm Not Leaving"). I like that the band is exploring new sounds but it would be sad to see them descend into the cool-electronica-that-nobody-buys ghetto currently occupied by Miami Horror and Cut Copy.

Zoë Badwi - Album Review

Zoë Badwi's album has been out for a while now but as Sirens' biggest (and possibly only) fan, I feel it's my duty to preach the virtues of this wondrous listening experience to anyone who will listen. There's another reason why this project is close to my heart. A long time ago in galaxy far, far away I did some work for Neon Records and one of my first tasks was putting together digital promos for Zoë's early club hits like "Don't Wan'cha", which didn't make the album, and "In The Moment", which did. Since then I've followed the blond bombshell's career closely and know how much hard work has gone into this extremely impressive album. Here is my track by track review:

Freefallin'

Zoë's irresistible commercial breakthrough needs no introduction. Co-written by legendary three-hit wonder Amy Pearson, the uplifting dance anthem rocketed into the national top 10 and ruled the airwaves for months. Everything about this is perfect, from the uplifting lyrics to Denzal Park's perky production. It was always going to be hard to duplicate the magic but a couple of tunes come close.

Until You're Over Me

I love DNA. The songwriters behind Marvin Priest's "Own This Club" - among other hits - team up with the omnipresent Amy Pearson to create another epic floorfiller. This is being bandied about as the album's next single but I'm not convinced it's the right choice. "Until You're Over Me" is lovely (and I've always had a soft spot for bittersweet dance music) but it's a bit too soft and pretty for commercial radio.

Release Me

This fucking song could survive a nuclear war. Three years after it was released, I still hear "Release Me" every time I go out. And that's the way I like it. The TV Rock-produced anthem is insidiously catchy and easy to sing along to while inebriated making it a true Oxford street classic.

Carry Me Home

Zoë's cover of Sarah Connor's "Carry Me Home" is the kind of classy, mid-tempo electronica that rarely gets made in this country. The song's thoughtful dance overhaul works a treat and it has a rich, dreamy quality that sets it apart from the usual club fare. I still don't get the video but you can't have everything.

Accidents Happen

Time to come clean. I never liked this clumsy pop tune and only pretended to be mildly enthusiastic to avoid offending anyone. Sorry!

Never Let You Go

I swear Amy Pearson's butterfingers are all over this album. The British sex symbol has songwriting credits on 8 of the 12 tracks. Unfortunately, this is easily her worst contribution. "Never Let You Go" isn't awful. It's just kind of there. The lyrics are generic and Zoë inexplicably sounds like Alison Goldfrapp with a head cold. Only slightly better than "Accidents Happen".

Reckless

After a couple of underwhelming cuts, the album bounces back on track with this killer anthem. Another DNA production, "Reckless" is furiously upbeat and extremely catchy. I love the chorus and sentiment of the lyrics. This sounds radio ready and should be a strong contender for the LP's next single.

One Step Behind

This is great too! I love the spacey production - courtesy of Grant Smillie and Nordean - and the quirky sound palette. It's thematically odd but I'm twisted so I kind of like that. From what I can tell "One Step Behind" is a darkly romantic stalker anthem. Play this loud the next time you're having a Single White Female moment!

In The Moment (Denzal Park Edit)

I love "In The Moment" but the original trance-tastic version is infinitely superior. Download that from iTunes instead and brace yourself for the magic of this fabulous 90s flashback.

Believe You

Zoë Badwi tackling a pared-back ballad is like hearing Barbra Streisand experiment with death metal. Somewhat disconcerting. It took me a couple of listens to wrap my head around this startling development but ultimately "Believe You" is as satisfying as a freshly cooked cheesy nugget. Exquisite!

Relapse

And the award for my favourite song on the album goes to "Relapse". If Nicki French covered ABBA the resulting masterpiece would struggle to be as camp as this piping hot mess. On an album heavy with sleek floorfillers, this poptastic gem stands out like a sore thumb. In a good way. This would be my choice for the next single. It's big, dumb fun that gets stuck in your head after one listen. I'm obsessed.

The Other Side

Happily, "Zoë" ends on a high note. "The Other Side" covers similar lyrical ground to "Freefallin'" - it's about moving forward with your life - but it has a distinctly darker edge. I like the brooding production and understated chorus. This is further proof of Zoë's growing versatility and depth as an artist.

8/10

Beyoncé 4 - Album Review

In a world where a purveyor of cheap urban-dance trash like Rihanna can be honoured with an award for best female R&B singer (over Marsha Ambrosius and Jennifer Hudson no less), it's little wonder that Beyoncé's "4" has many fans and critics scratching their heads. This is an album that refuses to contribute to the slow and depressing death of soul music. With the exception of "Run The World (Girls)", which sounds like it was tacked on as a last-minute afterthought to give Beyoncé something to perform on Oprah, there are no tacky urban-dance hybrids or sample heavy club bangers. Instead, "4" looks back to the sweet soul music of the 70s for inspiration (think Diana Ross, Stevie Wonder and the Jackson 5) with surprising splashes of 80s synths that could have been lifted straight from Prince's "Purple Rain".

It's a heady mix of pretty ballads, sexy slow jams and funk-heavy floorfillers that prove you don't need to recycle the same old beats to make people move. The emphasis is on meaningful lyrics and quality vocals - giving "4" a timeless feel. I've always loved Queen B's voice but it's a revelation here. She resists the temptation to oversing - displaying a raw emotion that was missing from her earlier work. Bey's transition from pop star to the saviour of R&B is as sincere as it is convincing. Singers often talk about reinventing themselves but very few have undergone this kind of radical change. There are rumours that the Columbia Records begged the diva to re-record "4" but she refused. I hope it's true. This is Beyoncé's coming of age. Her "Impossible Princess".

While the album is low on radio ready smash hits, this is by far her most cohesive work. It might not sell like "I Am... Sasha Fierce" (although I have a suspicion it might end up surprising everyone) but she doesn't need top 10 hits to stay relevant. Beyoncé's status as the greatest entertainer on the planet is assured regardless of chart position. Tacky remixes and shock tactic are better left to riff raff like Rihanna and Britney. Bey is clearly more interested in making great music and there's plenty of it on "4". This is as close to flawless as modern music gets. Think the ballad disc of "I Am... Sasha Fierce" mixed with the best of "B'Day" to get some idea of the genius that awaits you. Here is my track by track review of 2011's best album.

1+1

"4" is a soft, lingering kiss of an album. While lesser divas release songs about S&M, threesomes and disco-stick riding, Beyoncé brings the romance. Jay Z must be doing something right because his woman is seriously loved up. When I first heard "1+1" on American Idol I got chills. When I heard the aching beautiful backstage rehearsal, I had pretty much settled on Bey's album opener as my wedding waltz. The usual cynics have ridiculed the lyrics and, while I agree that the song occasionally veers into soppy territory, so does Adele's "Someone Like You". But she's fat and British - so I guess that's ok then. All that "I wish nothing but the best for you" bullshit. Bitch, please. You just stalked his arse! But I digress. "1+1" reminds me of a pared back Alicia Keys track with a slight twist of country. I love the guitar. I love Bey's vocal. I love the whole damn thing and wish it was a single. A live version needs to be released because it's ten times better.

I Care

This took a couple of listens to click with me. Produced by Jeff Bhasker (best known for his work with Kanye West), "I Care" is a strange song. It's quite dark in sound and subject matter. Think of it as the clinically depressed cousin of Kylie's "Better The Devil You Know". Beyoncé pretty much pleads with her man to stay even though she knows he doesn't really give a shit about her. Not exactly an upbeat radio hit then. But after a couple of listens, "I Care" really worms its way into your head. I loved the menacing brass, quirky hooks and layered vocals. The chorus couldn't be more simple but it is oddly hypnotic. This is turning out to be something of a fan favourite, so I guess it appeals to the pathetic, lovesick loser in all of us. Not single material in my book.

I Miss You

I'm probably alone here but "I Miss You" is my favourite song on "4". The lyrics to this subtle love letter of a song could have lifted from my journal - and knowing Bey's sticky fingers, they probably were! Joking! There's a rawness and honesty to "I Miss You" that cuts straight through me. Beyoncé pulls right back and almost whispers her way through the bittersweet, confused lyrics. "It hurts my pride to tell you how I feel but I still need to - why is that?" Bey muses. Girl, if you find the answer, let me know. Billboard's most successful artist of the millennium is really opening up and taking off the strong, independent woman mask that defined her previous albums. I love this new soft side and think Frank Ocean - who is currently having a hit of his own with "Novocane" - deserves a lot of credit for helping bring that out. The production here is minimal but precise and perfectly suited to the song. We need to thank Solange for introducing her slightly more successful sister to Shea Taylor. He worked wonders on "Hadley Street Dreams" and should be forced to contribute to all Knowles albums from now on.

Best Thing I Never Had

What can you say about the album's second single? The Babyface penned ballad is the safest track here. It is basically a rehash of "Irreplaceable" for 2011 but that doesn't make it a bad song. I personally wish she had gone with "End Of Time" or "Countdown" or even "1+1" after "Run The World (Girls)" but, after a slow start, this appears to be doing the trick. It's sitting at number one on UK iTunes and is starting to make serious inroads on the Billboard Hot 100. The main thing that "Best Thing I Never Had" has going for it - apart from a sublime vocal performance and meaty chorus - is the universality of the lyrics. I think the lyrics strike a chord with people and the understated production makes it sound fresh in comparison to overproduced ballads like "California King Bed" and "Impossible". It's also a total grower. I like this more every time I hear it. Fingers crossed the video is a monster. There's a lot riding on the success of this song.

Party (featuring André 3000)

Kanye brings his usual swagger to this fun excursion into hip-hop/pop territory. I love the summery feel and deceptively sexy lyrics. That line about milk dripping down to her knees makes me blush! I love that Bey finally gets to unleash a little and show off some of her crazy range. She sounds amazing on the fun chorus and it's nice to hear her sing something frivolous after the highly emotional songs that come before it. The André 3000 rap initially feels a little disjointed but Kanye is a mad scientist of the highest calibre and he brings it all together nicely. Despite the love "Party" is receiving from fans, I hope it's not a single. One "Videophone" - ie. the worst single in her career - is enough for Bey! It is a great album track though and I keep coming back to it.

Rather Die Young

This song slays me. It's such a staggeringly fierce diva anthem. Co-written and co-produced by Australia's Luke Steele (of Empire Of The Sun fame), "Rather Die Young" would have effortlessly slotted into any early 70s Diana Ross album. "You're my James Dean, you make me feel like I'm 17" croons Bey before launching full throttle into the chorus. I ache for the way she sings "I'd rather not live AT ALL than live my life without you". It's Motown. It's big hair. It's sequined-gown fabulousness. Unfortunately, Beyoncé hasn't been performing this in her festival gigs, which is a real shame. I think this is a complete anthem and one of the album's most striking songs. It's romantic, oozes soul and gets stuck in your head after the first listen. Drag queens will be performing this for decades to come. Exquisite.

Start Over

Beyoncé turned to the giants of yesteryear for inspiration on "4", so it's no surprise to see her channel R&B legend La Toya Jackson on "Start Over". Not only is the title a clear homage to Toy's recent autobiography soundtrack EP, the sound has the same breezy, tropical sound that she coined in the early 80s. The only difference is the tone. There is something quite sinister about "Start Over", which is strange because it is a love song. Written by hit machine Esther Dean, this is - surprisingly given her involvement and Shea Taylor's beautiful La Toya inspired production - easily my least favourite song on the album. It's like the R&B equivalent of Enya. Pretty and soothing but ultimately forgettable and kind of pointless. "Start Over" is pleasant filler that really should have been replaced by one of the brilliant bonus tracks.

Love On Top

If bright and happy Bey is your thing, then look no further. "Love On Top" is one of the cutest songs of 2011. It's a retrotastic mid-tempo jam with sweet lyrics like "your lips taste like a night of champagne". A lot of fans are calling for this to be a single. I think the old school, Motown inspired production would scare radio programmers but I'm on board just to see what she comes up with in the video. For me the highlight of this deliriously romantic pop song is the vocal. Beyoncé sounds like Mariah circa "Emotions". You know when she would throw that dog whistle around on the occasional uptempo number. Her voice gets the full workout from soft whispers all the way through to a wail that would make Mimi proud. Like many songs on "4", I think "Love On Top" is probably too niche to be a massive hit but if it clicks with you then this will probably be your ring tone for the next two years. I love it.

Countdown

After a slight dip, "4" gathers serious steam with the mind-blowingly amazing "Countdown". This is everything "Get Me Bodied" wanted to be but couldn't quite pull off. Don't get me wrong. I love that jam but it needed a beefier chorus and slightly less drag-tastic lyrics to be the chart-ruling anthem Bey needed at the time. "Countdown", on the other hand, has a glorious sing-a-long chorus that sits perfectly between the fierce verses that spill some of the best lyrics in recent memory. It's hard to pick a favourite line but "all up in the kitchen in my heels - dinner time!" and "grind up on him, gurl - show him how you ride it!" would be right up there. Props to Esther Dean. Another highlight is the Boys II Men sample. Shea Taylor hasn't gone overboard (like Switch on "Run The World"!) but it's great to hear "Uhh Ahh" reborn into something as fresh and fun. With the right video and dance routine, I can see "Countdown" being a huge hit. Rihanna could never.

End Of Time

Keep your fingers crossed that this is the third single. I have to admit that "End Of Time" took a while to click with me - the brooding, extended intro distracted me - but this is "Run The World (Girls)" done right. It's a truly original blend of genres and sounds that sounds like it was concocted by a mad scientist in a lab somewhere. I love the driving drums, heavy brass and fierce vocal. This is breathtaking pop music that pushes boundaries and More important that the killer beats (courtesy of Diplo and Switch ie. Major Lazer), are the lyrics. This song is upbeat, catchy and meaningful. Bey sings:

Come take my hand, I won't let you go
I'll be your friend, I will love you so (deeply)
I will be the one to kiss you at night
I will love you until the end of time

And my heart melts. This is the album's big hit if done right. Beyoncé's performance of the song at Glastonbury was some next level shit. All she needs to do is repeat that on a handful of American talkshows and she has her number one hit.

I Was Here

I don't know about "I Was Here". The idea of Diane Warren and Ryan Tedder contributing to the same song makes my blood run cold. The potential for saccharine lyrics and recycled beats is enough to make Celine come out of retirement. The finished product, however, is surprisingly understated. It is a pretty song but I think someone who is yet to achieve greatness - like Lady Gaga or Katy Perry - should have sung it. This is about leaving your mark on the world. Bey had already achieved that by the age of 19. I do like that she gets to unleash her powerful pipes but again this is one of the songs I would have swapped with one of the killer bonus tracks. Not bad but not as good as the quite similar (in theme and production) "Save The Hero" from "I Am... Sasha Fierce".

Run The World (Girls)

What can you say about this mess? It sounds like five songs thrown into a blender without a chorus. Bey now has a lock on the award for the least commercial lead single of all time. I still think this was tacked onto the album to give her something "anthemic" to sing on Oprah and the BBMAs because it doesn't fit the rest of album at all. The strange this is - I genuinely love "Run The World (Girls)". At first I think I was just trying to convince myself that it was good because, well, it's Bey but now I think it's completely iconic. I love those crazy Major Lazer beats and the lyrics still make me laugh. Ghetto Bey brings it hard singing about girl power and not being faded. That combined with a crazy post-apocalyptic girls gone wild video complete with the pantsula dance choreography makes for one crazy arse package. For better or worse it's probably my favourite song of 2011.

Bonus Tracks

I hate it when artists keep all their best shit for the bonus tracks but Bey is well and truly guilty. Make sure you get the deluxe edition - you have no choice in Australia - it's definitely worth it.

Lay Up Under Me

This is probably the album's most commercial track. Co-written by Stargate and Sean Garrett, "Lay Up Under Me" is another blindingly romantic love song about making your man happy. Only instead of being a standard ballad, it's a quirky mid-tempo affair complete with trumpets and a cute chorus that harks back to the late 80s. "Lay Up Under Me" is flawless pop music. I love the slick production and Bey delivers another exquisite vocal. I just wish it was on the album proper. This deserves to be a single.

Schoolin' Life

You know, I honestly thought The-Dream should have retired after killing what was left of Mariah's career on "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel" but I take it all back. Christina Milian's cash cow finally shows some of his "Single Ladies" brilliance on "Schoolin' Life". This adorable Prince inspired synth-fest is a very odd pop song. Beyoncé basically gives out life lessons over a beat that could have been lifted from "Lovesexy". She tells the 20-somethings "time really moves fast, you were just 16" and the sexy-somethings "that body ain't always get you out of everything". It shouldn't work but it's pop perfection. I just wish I could make out the lyrics. What does she tell the 40-somethings and 50-somethings? These pearls of wisdom are too important not to heed! One of my favourite songs on the album.

Dance For You

If anyone ever has the nerve to ask me what separates Beyoncé from the rest of the urban-pop crowd, I would slap them and then play "Dance For You". This gorgeous, 6 minute long mid-tempo ballad is a masterpiece. It has been described as an update of Destiny's Child's "Cater 2 U" and that's true to a certain extent. The theme is similar only this time around the doormat lyrics have been omitted. Instead, Bey brings the romance in a very adult way. It's about showing appreciation and gratitude - topics that are all but ignored in modern music. I can't even get my head around Beyoncé's vocal on this. She goes from spitting out lines like a machine gun to swooning and cooing, before giving her pipes a full work out. This would be a brilliant single if they can edit it down by two minutes without ruining it. Absolutely beautiful.

10/10

Wynter Gordon - Album Sampler Review

Earlier a today I wrote an article for Sydney Star Observer about the impending release of Wynter Gordon's debut album and wrote that it "promises to be one of the party albums of the year". Well, I need to buy some tarot cards and set up a stall in Newtown because my predication was spot on. A six track sampler of "With The Music I Die" arrived in my inbox this evening and I'm absolutely stunned. I knew the album was going to be good but my future beard has delivered half a dozen of the hottest dance-pop songs I've heard in a very long time. Even if the rest of the album is awful - which it won't be - Australia's adopted club queen has already snatched every wig in town. Poor J Lo must be so pressed that Wynter kept all the good shit for herself! Here is the full "With The Music I Die" tracklist and my initial comments about the tracks I've heard:

Til Death

The album's punchy second single has been lodged in the iTunes top 20 since release and looks set to climb into the top 10 when Wynter returns to Australia for a promo tour in June. It's a great pop song and scarily, still grows on me with each listen !

Dirty Talk

This shit is undeniable. The highest selling single in Australia for the first quarter of 2011 is now catching on around the world. Absolutely defining. Now somebody please put the original naughty school girl video back on YouTube. That hot mess is what made me fall in love with my flawless boo in the first place!

Don’t Stop Me

I love this. An effortlessly cool club anthem with an icy edge that I'd usually associate with Robyn or Roisin Murphy - if someone threw a pill down their throat and pushed them on the dancefloor. My favourite part is when Wynter coos "I can melt your heart, you'll be all mine". That and the sassy countdown at the end. Perhaps not single material but great nonetheless.

Buy My Love

Gold diggers have a new theme song! "Buy My Love" is so cute and catchy - definitely a good choice for single number three. It's more electro than we're used to from the diva but there's still something quite camp and 80s about the track. I love the lyrics ("Let's take a quick vacation, a little shopping spree - a fancy destination, we'll spend it all on me!") and adorable chorus. I can definitely hear this on the radio.

Still Getting Younger

Was I more high than usual or did Wynter tweet that this was the next single? If the sticker on the album cover is any indication, it looks like Neon is going with the fabulous "Buy My Love" but I think I prefer this glorious explosion of dreamy synths. Even if it is slightly less commercial. "Still Getting Younger" isn't an ode to Madonna's plastic surgery but a soft and pretty dance-pop love song. It actually reminds me a little of Kylie's "Tightrope" (my favourite "Fever" era track) with a bit of 80s Moroder thrown in for good measure. The lyrics are gorgeous too - "I'm not lonely, I just need you. You're this empty space I got." Simply beautiful.

Drunk On Your Love

Unheard.

All My Life

Unheard.

Rumba [feat. Kevin McCall]

Unheard.

Back To You

Now this is very different for Wynter. It's a moody mid-tempo electronic groove with amazing lyrics like "you don't know that when I lie in bed I touch myself to you" and "I took you for granted, I spit in your face". It's an atmospheric and multi-layered little gem that no doubt will worm its way further into my consciousness with each listen. Fabulous.

In The Morning [feat. Robbie Rivera]

Unheard.

I'm so curious about the other tracks now. If they are of a similar standard, Wynter will have one of the best albums of 2011 on her hands. "With The Music I Die" is released in Australia on June 17. I'm pre-ordering my copy today. Here's her current hit "Til Death". Someone really needs to mash it with "Til The World Ends" to create a truly morbid floorfiller!

Born This Way - Album Review

I usually don't feel the need to justify myself before writing a review but I have been taking the piss out of Lady Gaga rather frequently around here due to her sticky fingers, so I thought I'd start by bringing your attention to this link. It's my 2009 'best of' countdown. As you can see, I ranked "The Fame Monster" the second best album of that year and hailed it "the new measuring stick for dance-pop". And I still stand by that. When Lady Gaga is making solid pop music without desperately trying to be outrageous or groundbreaking, she is almost unbeatable. Like a demented cross between Madonna, Britney and someone with actual talent - she lifts pop to dark and dangerous new heights. Take "Bad Romance". To this day that song gives me chills. Strip away the "rah rah rahs" and you're left with one of the most honest 'Dear John' letters ever committed to music.

I guess that's half the reason the beginning of the new era has irked me so much - it's all image and hype. Lady Gaga can talk about tackling the big issues until the pointy implants in her face explode but nothing she has released since "Dance In The Dark" - her last great single - has connected with me at all. Happily, there is a lot to like about "Born This Way" when you dig beneath the unnecessary trappings but it doesn't change the fact that the album crumbles under the weight of her own ego. Mother monster needs to stop advocating for minorities that (she mistakenly believes) imbue her with credibility and put together a cohesive album. She's so busy trying to prove she can do everything that she ends up doing very little right. One minute the most powerful woman in pop is bringing back 90s house, then reviving disco, before moving on to 80s soft rock and the industrial rave scene. Her fans call it eclectic and Lady Gaga herself has gushed that this is the album she has always wanted to make. I'm sorry bitch but that doesn't make it good. Just unforgivably self-indulgent. At its worst, "Born This Way" sounds like the soundtrack to a beginner's party at the Hellfire club. At its best, the album reminds me of a mixtape my mum might have made back in 1987 with heavy lashings of Starship, Laura Branigan and Foreigner! It's no masterpiece but definitely salvageable. Here is my track by track review below:

Marry The Night

This is the song Lady Gaga premiered on Facebook application Farmville. I'm guessing people who tend to imaginary sheep don't hit up the club all that often but whatever. "Marry The Night" is a rather inoffensive if somewhat stillborn opener. Which is surprising because I love Fernando Garibay and he usually brings the best out of Gaga. The explosive introduction is exciting and raised my expectations until the song changes pace and becomes a rather strange mish-mash of 80s Bruce Springsteen and bad 90s techno. It definitely has its moments and has grown on me immensely but the track lacks the catchy hook that Lady Gaga usually does better than anyone.

Born This Way

I've already said enough about this heinous mess. "Born This Way" makes me ashamed to be gay. If we've reached the point where we need a middle-class, heterosexual attention seeker who looks like a 47-year-old transvestite to advocate on our behalf with the supposedly uplifting message that we're all freaks but still deserve love and acceptance then I'm out. There is nothing joyous or inclusive about the lyrics and Gaga can deny ripping off "Enjoy Yourself" all she likes but the similarities are undeniable. Everything about this makes my skin crawl.

Government Hooker

Yuck. If any song sums up what is wrong with Lady Gaga circa 2011 then this is it. "Government Hooker" is the most pretentious song you will hear all year. From the pointless lyrics to messy production, this is one big cry for attention. I could probably cope with an instrumental because there are some interesting flourishes but what exactly is the point of this? To prove that Gaga is cool and edgy and can write lyrics about sex workers and dead presidents? Bitch, please go back to riding that disco stick and leave the faux intellectualism to someone with more to say. I will give her credit for the high camp operatic intro though.

Judas

The fame monster's unauthorised remake of Loli Lux's stunning "WannaBE" is the biggest flop of her career. And for a while looked like it would derail the incredible momentum she had built over the past two years. The problem is that "Judas" is a massive step backwards. It's a fairly standard RedOne production that sticks to the tried and tested "Bad Romance" formula without bringing anything new or fresh to the table. Even the religious imagery that pervades the lyrics in getting boring. Madonna and the Pet Shop Boys did this shtick better in the 80s - it's not shocking, just lazy and boring. And then there's the chorus that sounds like the worst song Aqua never released. Having listened to the rest of the album, Gaga must have been smoking crack when she chose this as the second single. There are so many better songs on "Born This Way".

Americano

By this point I was lamenting the death of my love affair with Lady Gaga. I thought the time had come to throw my paws into the air one last time and leave the monsterhood for good. "Americano" is so fucking lame it needs a walking stick. A sad re-imagining of "Alejandro" that combines Mariachi music with bad Euro-disco, the track apparently tackles heady issue of illegal immigration. It's as hideous as it sounds. If the prospect of a white woman singing chunks of a song in bad Spanish before breaking into the occasional burst of "la la la" then this is for you. If not, do your ears a favour and press delete. This is the worst song Fernando Garibay has ever put his name to. Shame.

Hair

Just when I was ready to write of "Born This Way" as a total trainwreck, along came "Hair" and instantly revived my interest in the project. One of the many buzz singles released to promote the album pre-release, this got lost in the circle jerk over "The Edge Of Glory" but I think it's every bit as good. Although not quite as amazing as Ashley Tisdale's genre-defining song of the same name. But back to Gaga. This is just a solid, I am who I am pop song that I can imagine Cydni Lauper belting out in the 80s. It's fun, catchy and genuinely uplifting. RedOne is such a strange producer. He's done more for recycling that Planet Ark but occasionally he pulls one out of the bag and I love this odd hybrid of 80s Starship-esque pop and dance elements. Great use of sax too. This has to be a single.

Scheiße

As it turns out, Lady Gaga - I can speak German and your pathetic attempt at butchering my mother tongue in a bizarre bid for Teutonic chic is an epic fail. It doesn't even make sense. Is this some kind of anthem for scat lovers or just a lame attempt to revive late 90s house? Whatever the case may be the title accurately describes the song. This is shit.

Bloody Mary

The dubiously talented DJ behind "Government Hooker" returns for "Bloody Mary" - a song that has been singled out by many critics as one of the album's highlights and a future single. I'm not that enthusiastic about it but it is definitely one of the most straightforward floorfillers on "Born This Way". It's like a less intense but more authentic "Judas". The lyrics are less ambitious but they work and there's something hypnotic about the simple chorus. Not great but not bad at all. And if the rumours about this becoming a single I implore Lady Gaga not to ruin it by sitting on a crucifix shaped dildo in the video. Because we all know that's the moment she's been waiting for her whole life.

Bad Kids

"Bad Kids" is everything I want from Mother Monster - a fun pop song with a catchy chorus and universal lyrics. This encapsulates the sentiment I think Lady Gaga wanted to say with "Born This Way" until her pretentious streak got in the way. "I'm not that cool and you hate me, I'm a bad kid that's the way that they made" sings the diva against the crispest 80s beats to hit the airwaves since the glory days of Stacey Q. Who didn't feel like that as a teenager? There's something organically anthemic about "Bad Kids" that makes it a standout on the album. I know that Lady Gaga likes to sing about being shunned and different but more often than not it strikes me as a marketing exercise. This, however, no doubt comes from a time in her past when she was just a mannish teenager called Stefani. Credit must go to producer Jeppe Laursen (of Junior Senior) for bringing the diva back down to earth.

Highway Unicorn (Road to Love)

This has singled out by some critics as the worst song on "Born This Way" but I kind of like its 80s hair band on acid sound palette. Sure, the lyrics are completely inane but I love the hands in the air chorus and I can imagine singing along to this in the car. As long as I was sure no one was listening. The production meanders and it's generally a bit of a mess but I find this kind of good natured experimentation a lot more forgivable than something like "Government Hooker" or "Scheiße".

Heavy Metal Lover

"I want your whiskey mouth all over my blond south" is the worst lyric of the year. I'm sorry but a song about eating Lady Gaga's pussy was always going to leave a bad taste in my mouth. Pun intended. I get the frenzied monster response to this. It's pure filth and the sleazy beats are great - I'd love to hear a dub - but it's nothing but distracting filler for me.

Electric Chapel

Now I know bringing up plagiarism claims are a big no no when it comes to Gaga but damn this reminds me of The Cardigans' classic "Losing My Favourite Game". Those "do do dos" are so familiar and I think she's lifted the guitar riff too but whatever. This is a nice song and sometimes you don't have to break new ground to deliver a decent pop song. Ever since "Speechless" I've been wanting Lady Gaga to explore her inner rock chick and she almost does it here but her current obsession of mixing guitars with electronic elements takes over yet again. My problem here is the lyrics. What exactly is this song about? I just get visions of Elvis weddings in Las Vegas but knowing mother monster it's probably about resolving the Middle East conflict or famine in Africa.

Yoü And I

This has been doing the rounds for a while now. Lady Gaga has performed it during her Monster's Ball tour for the best part of a year and the studio version isn't all that different. Produced by Mutt Lange, "Yoü And I" - what is with that fucking umlaut? - is this album's "Speechless" or "Brown Eyes". An overwrought piano rock ballad that is supposed to highlight the diva's versatility but just sounds like a Richard Marx B-side. I can't help but think Mutt would have been better off giving this to his ex-wife. Shania Twain would have nailed this. Gaga tries so hard to imbue it with pathos and meaning that it ends up being an empty exercise of vocal acrobatics. If nothing else it gives her something new to sing behind a flaming piano on the next tour. Distinctly average.

The Edge Of Glory

First things first. This does sound very similar to Soraya's iconic 2008 smash "Sin Miedo" with a bit of Cher's "Song For The Lonely" thrown in for good measure. But they are two of my favourite songs of all time, so anything that borrows elements from them was always going to be a winner. I'm not convinced that this is the masterpiece that some have held it out to be (now that I've listened to them back to back a couple of times I think I prefer "Hair") but there's no denying it's a great song. There's a real sense of melancholy that permeates the verses, which only serves to make the explosive chorus all the more joyous. I love the now or never theme that runs through the lyrics and applaud Gaga from not making stupid noises or randomly singing in a different language. She has treated this song with the respect it deserves and Fernando Garibay moulds the craziest mix of Eurovision ready pop with "Born To Run" Bruce Springsteen. I even love the crazy sax solo. "The Edge Of Glory" is a worthy addition to Gaga's cannon of hits and deserves to sit proudly next to "Poker Face" and "Bad Romance". I just hate the fact that she will ruin the video with those stupid face implants but whatever. This is a reminder of what Lady Gaga is capable of when she just lets the music flow. It also underlines how sub par the vast majority of the rest of the album is.

6/10

Miranda Cosgrove & the best EP of 2011

Miranda Cosgrove first appeared on my pop radar last year when I stumbled across "Kissin U" in a German record store. The hot pink cover looked completely ridiculous, which was reason enough for me to buy it. I finally got around to playing the single about three months later and was surprised by how much I loved it. By then I knew she was a squeaky clean Nickelodeon child star (think Miley pre-Salvia) but her Taylor Swift-lite sound was a breath of fresh air. The rest of her debut album was disappointing but I was still interested enough to import her latest EP. And it was worth every cent. "High Maintenance" is a pop triumph. I'm shocked by the lack of attention it's received from radio and the blogosphere. There isn't a bad song on this. Sure, it's a rather blatant attempt to give Miranda an edgier sound but I don't give a fuck about her complete absence of credibility. Particularly when the tunes are this hot!

"High Maintenance" kicks off with "Dancing Crazy", which was penned by Max Martin, Shellback and Avril Lavigne. It was originally intended for the Canadian diva's "Goodbye Lullaby" album but it was given the flick - probably because it sounds like a carbon copy of "What The Hell". Happily, Avril's trash is Miranda's treasure. I adore this hot mess. The chorus is amazing if you overlook the 17-year-old's pronunciation of "dancing" (gurl, you're not Madonna - drop the fake English accent!) and her attempt to channel Avril gives me the giggles. The real EP's real highlight comes next.

"High Maintenance" is the handiwork of Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo and Billy Steinberg (who is currently experiencing a career revival thanks to Nicole Scherzinger's "Don't Hold Your Breath"). They have crafted an "Opposites Attract" for 2011 - only without MC Skat Kat's killer rhymes and Paula Abdul's helium vocals. I love everything about this. The lyrics are completely ridiculous ("I crashed your new Ferrari, baby fix that dent! Does that make me high maintenance?") and I don't exactly buy Miranda as a crazy party girl but this is achingly cute and undeniably catchy. Pop trash fans will cream their jeans over this one.

Some amazing names worked on this gem. Lucas Secon (Kylie's "Get Outta My Way") contributes "Face Of Love", the EP's mid-tempo moment. It's probably my least favourite of the five songs but it suits Miranda's voice perfectly and makes a nice change of pace. I'm way more excited about track four. "Kiss You Up" was one of my favourite songs from Shontelle's flop album and I'm so happy someone has decided to cover it. The production is pretty much the same and while Miranda's voice isn't as powerful as the rich man's Rihanna, she makes the song her own.

The EP closes with another up-tempo dance anthem - this time courtesy of Greg Kurstin and hit songwriter Bonnie McKee, who contributed the amazing "TGIF" to Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" album. "Sayonara" is a "Circus" era Britney knock off but like Emily Osment before her, Miranda easily outdoes the original. This has a hot beat and a cute chorus. "High Maintenance" is so good, I kind of wish Miranda had tacked on another 5 songs and released an album. It would have been an absolute killer sophomore set. As it is, I have a new favourite teen Queen and a handful of stunning trash anthems to blast until album two is ready. Highly recommended!

8/10

Paris Hilton - Tribute To A Pop Goddess

30 years ago - on the 17th of February 1981 - a precious angel was sent down from heaven to brighten the world with her wit, intellect and stunning vocal talent. Of course, I'm talking about Paris Hilton - a true renaissance woman who will be looked back on in 100 years as perhaps the defining figure of the early 21st century. Without her pioneering research into being famous for nothing there would be no Kim Kardashian or Heidi Montag. Without her riveting screen presence reality TV would be an extinct genre. Without her iconic sex tape people would never consider being fucked on camera a good career move. I could go on forever. There are millions of reasons to celebrate the existence of Paris Hilton but none more important than her era defining contribution to popular music. As far as I'm concerned her 2006 masterpiece "Paris" is one the best albums of the last decade. It slots in next to "State Of Mind" and "Neon Nights" as a near perfect collection of bright and shiny pop tunes. So in celebration of Paris' criminally underrated music career, here is a retrospective on one of the greatest albums ever recorded.

The amazing thing about "Paris" - besides the fact it's not completely shit - is how far ahead of its time it was. The album still holds up brilliantly five years later. Paris was rocking the urban dance sound when Rihanna was still trying and failing to bring island beats to the masses, while the line of producers would make any A List diva green with envy. Seriously, there's Fernando Garibay (the man behind Lady Gaga's "Born This Way") and Dr Luke (who co-produced Britney, P!nk and Avril Lavigne's latest singles) as well as JR Rotem and Scott Storch. Not that a cast of super producers automatically guarantees a great record. Just listen to Madonna's "Hard Candy" for proof. Paris selected 11 tracks that showcase her powerhouse vocals and mean something to her. She sings about being hot, having hot sex and looking hot at the club. Needless to say, it's completely amazing and should be protected for future generations by UNESCO.

"Turn It Up" opens the album in breathtaking style. A saucy club banger that topped the US dance chart, the track is a toothpick perfect Scott Storch production that effortlessly positions Paris as the thinking man's (mid-tempo) dance diva. I love the heavy beats but the Oakenfold and Rauhofer remixes really bring the song to life and probably should have been pushed to radio in Australia and Europe. Next up is the songbird's urban groove "Fightin' Over Me". This hip hop adventure should be completely ridiculous but Paris makes Nicky Minaj look like Taylor Swift with her street cred and fierce attitude. Another unlikely triumph is her worldwide top 10 smash "Stars Are Blind". I don't think anyone was expecting the heiress to experiment with reggae on her debut single but she did and it worked. It's sad how far Fernando Garibay has fallen since producing this gem.

JR Rotem - mentor of Jason DeRulo and my girl Auburn - contributes "I Want You", one of the album's cutest pop songs. I love the "Grease" sample and firmly believe this would have been a huge hit if anyone else released it. The same goes for her amazing dig at Nicole Ritchie. "Jealousy" has a raw honesty that never fails to move me. Poor, misunderstood Paris sings "I was always happy when I was watching you become a star but you were only happy when the world was openin' up my scars". Heartbreaking and extremely fucking catchy! The pop pioneer's dark mood continues on "Heartbeat", which samples Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time". Storch is often dismissed as a bit of a pretender but his production on this is beautiful, making Paris sound like angel. Particularly when she coos the iconic lyric "my heart beats like a drum when I hear you cum".

My favourite song on the album and one of the best songs of the noughties is"Nothing In This World". Dr Luke creates the perfect pure pop palette for the diva's heavenly vocals - which are lifted to untold heights with a little help from Ke$ha. Before she revolutionised popular music with her own tunes, K Dollar was a struggling session singer who somehow landed a gig singing back up on this track. You can actually hear her on the chorus if you listen closely! That song was always going to be a hard act to follow but "Screwed" is pretty amazing in its own right. A single in Japan, this Greg Wells produced track was the subject of a legal battle between Paris and Haylie Duff. For that reason alone this song belongs in a museum of modern history. "Not Leaving Without You" is probably the album's weakest track but it is forgotten the moment "Turn You On" begins. This is probably my second favourite song on the album. Paris purrs amazing lyrics like "girls and boys are lookin' at me, I can't blame them 'cause I'm sexy" over chunky dance beats. Yours faves could never! A less than inspiring cover of Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" closes the album but it's so tongue in cheek and ridiculous that I just can't bring myself to hate it - which pretty much sums up my attitude to the woman herself.

9/10

Happy birthday, Paris. Have a line or two for me!

Born This Way - The Verdict

A lot of people have been asking what I think of "Born This Way" and, to be honest, at first I wasn't 100 percent sure. I freely admit to suffering from a bad case of Gaga fatigue and didn't want to write the song off prematurely - only to sing its praises in a couple of weeks. But the lead single from the fame monster's third album has finally started to sink in and I kind of wish it hadn't. As much as I enjoy taking the piss out of her and wish she would go into hibernation for a couple of years, it's impossible to deny Lady Gaga's talent. Her first two albums will be looked back on as milestones in popular music and you only have to turn on MTV to see the extent of her influence on other artists. Along with Justin Bieber, she is the closest thing we have to a phenomenon and - for that reason alone - I want her to keep delivering the goods. But "Born This Way" just doesn't cut it and not for the reasons I keep reading on other blogs. Here are my two cents on Lady Gaga's first real misfire.

The Good

I'm not sure if this really belongs in the 'good' category but I really don't give a fuck about the Madonna comparisons. Her trolls will swear black and blue that Madge did everything first - from discovering fire to inventing the wheel - so please take the plagiarism accusations with a grain of salt. It's also particularly ironic that "Born This Way" is being compared to "Express Yourself" because, as other pre-historic gays might remember, that song was accused of ripping of Sly & The Family Stone's entire back catalogue when it was released in 1989. My point is that no one has done anything remotely original since the 80s - besides Ke$ha and Bey. Seriously, half the time I can't tell the difference between Jay Sean, Taio Cruz and Jason DeRulo when they come on the radio and I consider myself a fan of at least two thirds of that trio. Gaga has obviously drawn on 80s pop music for inspiration and probably fell asleep with "The Immaculate Collection" on repeat. So what. At least she didn't steal the song outright, which is more than Madonna can say about "Ray Of Light". The funniest thing about the whole plagiarism scandal is Ryan Tedder coming out from under his rock to put Gaga on blast. Bitch, please. Go and listen to "Halo" and "Already Gone" back to back and write a letter of apology!

Apart from being amused by all the finger pointing by deluded stans, I love that a song by a manufactured pop star (which, like it or not, is exactly what she is) has the power to captivate and polarise music fans to such a extent. I haven't seen this kind of mayhem since the glory days of the Spice Girls. Everyone has an opinion on "Born This Way" and they are not afraid to share it. Happily, the huge interest surrounding the song is actually translating into sales. Despite all the criticism and almost fanatical hate, "Born This Way" is already the fastest selling song of all time on iTunes and has demolished all radio airplay records in the US. The much touted diva battle between Lady Gaga and Britney Spears was settled in a first round KO. If there was any doubt who reigns supreme on the American dance-pop scene, the debate is now over. That doesn't make "Express Yourself 2" (sorry, couldn't help myself) a great record - it just makes it relevant and genuinely popular.

Last but definitely not least, millions of children around the world will be walking around the playground singing "don't be a drag, just be a queen" and asking their parents what a "transgendered life" means. That alone is almost - but sadly not quite - enough to make me love this hot mess.

The Bad

Now for the bad. Firstly, I just don't think "Born This Way" works. The dubious lyrics (which I'll get to in a moment) are clunky, the chorus lacks bite and Fernando Garibay's 80s inspired production sounds like it was lifted from Kelly Llorenna's genre defining debut/greatest hits album. How can you go from the pure pop explosion of "Just Dance" or the spine tingling menace of "Bad Romance" to a song that Dana International would turn down for being too dated and cheap? I'm excited that Gaga has mixed things up and explored a new sound but you can't claim to be music's greatest songwriter and leading pioneer and then regurgitate all that went before you without turning it into something new or at least giving it your own spin. To my ears "Born This Way" is the result of Lady Gaga either smoking way too much crack or being surrounded by too many yes men who tell her she's creating art every time she farts. Her monsters clearly don't care - given the sky high sales figures - but I have a bad feeling this could be the beginning of a major backlash if the rest of the album isn't significantly better.

Now for the dealbreaker. As a card carrying gay man, I find "Born This Way" borderline offensive. Lady Gaga wants us to know she has our back. That it's ok to be a big old poof. That we're all fabulous. I want her to know that I couldn't give a fuck about her condescending acceptance of my lifestyle. I just need Julia Gillard to sign a piece of legislation and I'm good. When will straight people stop equating gays with landmine victims and Kurdish refugees? I'm not anybody's cause. I could take this kind of pep talk from Rufus Wainwright or K.D. Lang but Lady Gaga should be writing songs that cheer up 24 year olds who look 47 instead of fighting my battles for me. That might sound ungrateful but there is nothing about this song that makes me feel better about myself. Ke$ha and Katy Perry recently tackled similar themes on "We R Who We R" and "Firework" but made their songs inclusive so everyone - regardless of age, sexuality or appearance - can identify without feeling like an outcast or charity case. That is the magic of those tracks and the reason why they will live on as real gay anthems. There is nothing uplifting about "Born This Way". Sure, it might be camp as Kylie's dildo but much like that piece of plastic - it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

The Verdict

Lady Gaga's supposed gay anthem makes me want to delete all the gay porn from my computer, enter into a sham marriage and dedicate the rest of my life to finding a cure for homosexuality.

3/10

Soraya's Dreamer - Pop Trash Review

Sorry for being MIA for the past couple of weeks but this month has been a bigger bitch than Cheryl Cole at a Black Pride rally. I know it's the time of year when I should be putting together my 'best of 2010' countdowns - and they will follow in the next few days - but before all that, there's one last post I need to write. A post that's been on my mind since late September when Spanish pop goddess/musical genius Soraya dropped her 5th studio album. Even the most casual reader of this blog knows how much I worship Europe's gift to the world. I ranked her last album the equal best of 2008, I wrote her an open letter after she was brutally denied Eurovision glory for being too beautiful and talented for that fraudulent competition and I almost died when she hit me up on Twitter. Needless to say, new material from Soraya is a cause for celebration and it's high time I reviewed her latest genre defining pop masterpiece.

"Dreamer" picks up where "Sin Miedo" left off. It's an explosion of thumping dance music with a heavy sprinkling of catchy Europop to keep radio and Chueca happy. It's perhaps a little more club-centric than her last stunning opus but the only real difference is that she's chosen to sing in English - the first time since her delicious duo of 80s covers albums. The gamble appears to have paid off. "Live Your Dreams", the album's first single, has been a smash in Europe - bringing Soraya chart glory in important world markets like Poland and Ukraine. And I'm convinced the hits will continue to flow as the world falls under the spell of Spain's greatest musical export since Las Supremas de Móstoles. Here is my track by track review of "Dreamer":

Dreamer

I've already blogged about the album's catchy title track and slated second single. "Dreamer" was written by Australian Idol flop Natalie Gauci but - as far as I can tell - recorded by Soraya first. Poor, desperate Natalie obviously heard how glorious our queen's version sounded and decided to release it herself. Annoyingly, her version has become a big dance hit in Australia and now every time I'm in a club I'm tortured by it. Sometimes life just isn't fair! On the bright side, Natalie is a complete nobody - so it shouldn't impact on Soraya's release outside of Australia. "Dreamer" is a slick dance track with killer beats and a catchy chorus but I think there are much better songs on the album. Not that it matters. As soon as Soraya releases a sexy video for the song, I'm sure it will go straight to #1 in every country with a gay club!

Failing Me (Runaway)

Continuing the theme of singing amazing songs written by flop divas, "Failing Me (Runaway)" was written by British singer-songwriter Lucie Silvas. She actually had a great album called "Breathe In"... I wonder if anyone else remembers her. But I digress. This is another floorfiller with a slightly softer edge than "Dreamer". It's very pretty and reminds me of vintage Sash! It's about time someone revived early noughties trance and Soraya is just the diva to do it. I love the chorus and the song showcases her radically improved English. My only problem with the track is the unrealistic lyrical content. It's a statistically proven fact that Soraya is the most glamorous woman on earth - so who would ever cheat on her? It's like Marta Sanchez singing a song about being a 15 year old virgin.

Give You Up

Soraya really has turned her attention to the dancefloor this time around. Her collaboration with Spanish DJ/producer Juan Magan moves the stunning diva into Inna's Hi-NRG dance territory. Only with more autotune than Ke$ha and the year's least convincing rap. In other words, it's completely amazing and I love every second! It's official. Dannii has finally been replaced as the Queen of clubs!

Ticking All The Boxes

After a string of dance anthems, Soraya decides to revolutionise pop music as we know it with a trio of heavenly tunes that any world class diva would be proud to call their own. "Ticking All The Boxes" is a bit of a throwback to "Sin Miedo" - an instantly memorable chorus shines against a hot and sticky web of synths. I love the random la la las and the fact that something clearly got lost in translation. I'm not sure if this song is about doing the Sunday crossword or finding a man. And I don't give a fuck. Soraya is too fabulous for anything as boring and menial as lyrics that make sense! This is cute, catchy and captures the diva's effortless charisma perfectly.

I Got You

And the award for the best song on "Dreamer" goes to "I Got You". This is the musical equivalent of ecstasy in the 90s. You know, when it actually worked. One listen to this gloriously cheesy burst of Eurotastic synthpop will raise your serotonin to dangerously high levels and leave you smiling like The Joker after getting a blow job from Batman. I love everything about this. The fabulously retro production that sounds like something Ace Of Base released in 1997, Soraya's euphoric vocal and the Eurovision ready chorus. She should totally enter "I Got You" next year and get her revenge on the sad haters that ranked her second last! Trust me, every bitch in Europe will be saying "Lena who?"

You've Got The Music

Oh the piano intro is a nice touch. I like a bit of chillaxed Soy Soy. It makes it even more exciting when the beats start pumping. Actually, this is quite a deep dancefloor anthem. Lyrics like "You're feeling so rough inside" will speak volumes to fans as they hear this leaving the club at 10am. Soraya is so in touch with the gays! In all seriousness, this is a genuinely uplifting floorfiller about losing yourself in the music. It's been done before - 178 times by Kylie alone - but the production is polished and the diva's powerful pipes shine through. I want to hear a really cool remix.

Electric Girl

Soraya goes electro on this fun duet with Turkish pop star Bedük. It's a bit repetitive and the lyrics leave something to be desired - hearing "electric girl in an electric world" ten times in a row does get a bit annoying but it's interesting to hear Soraya experiment with different sub-genres of dance music. I don't think her future lies in this Uffie-if-she-could-sing-and-wasn't-totally-shit sound but it breaks the album up and makes the following pop explosion all the more exquisite.

Twilight

Who knew Soraya was a Twihard? This gorgeous pop tune is the 2010 equivalent of Kate Bush's "Wuthering Heights" - a cute and catchy musical adaptation of classic piece of literature! In this case, the Spanish pop deity channels Bella from Stephenie Meyer's vampire novels. Classy lyrics "before I reach immortality, I gotta know - will you stay with me?" make this an instant pop trash classic and a close second to "I Got You" as my favourite song on the album. The production is a dreamy delight and I love the pretty chorus. I just want to know if Soraya is team Edward or Jacob. I bet she has a vibrator called Mr Cullen!

Live Your Dreams

I don't know what's left to say about Soraya's stunning international smash hit "Live Your Dreams". Eminem's "Love The Way You Lie" was apparently the biggest selling single of 2010 but I think there was a mistake. Was that depressing duet a #51 smash in Belgium? Probably but it doesn't matter. This is clearly one of the biggest songs of the year (in gay bars) and even managed to be successful despite Antoine Clamaran trying to steal Soraya's thunder in the video (below). He needs to stop pretending to be David Guetta and let the real star shine! Finding a physical copy of this legendary dance anthem in a French CD store was so exciting. I love that the world is finally discovering the true queen of pop! Time to release it in Australia.

In My Blood

Soraya must really love those vampire books because the blood metaphors keep coming. This album highlight has a bit of a harder edge than songs like "I Got You" and "Twilight" but the move towards electro works a lot better this time around. The dark and atmospheric beats provide the perfect backdrop for the diva's soft vocals. I'm not sure about the male backing singer shouting "blood!" but, otherwise, it's pretty hard to fault. This is a world class pop tune - sleek, sexy and instantly catchy. Soraya really has come a long way from this!

Close To Me

The last track on my copy of the album - there are bonus remixes on iTunes - is a 7 minute dance anthem courtesy of Spanish DJ Wally Lopez. I was expecting another upbeat number but "Close To Me" is something akin to slow disco. Think Kylie's "I Believe In You" - only with Balearic beats and a sample that sounds like an out of tune violin. Some fans hate this but I think it's amazing and want to hear it while I'm drinking Vina Sol, watching the sunset at Cafe Del Mar. A brilliant close to a career making album.

10/10

Album Review: Shontelle - No Gravity

It feels like forever since my last album review. I was going to break the drought with my three-months-in-the-making academic study of Soraya's genre defining masterpiece "Dreamer" but I'm still too emotional after being tweeted by Spain's glorious gift to the universe. Next on my list was Selena Gomez & The Scene's underrated pop opus "A Year Without Rain" or my extremely overdue review of Ke$ha's already iconic "Cannibal" but I just can't get one album out of my head or off my iTunes recently played list. I've written about Shontelle before. You know - the new and improved Rihanna, best known for the year's best diva ballad "Impossible". The Barbadian beauty's sophomore album was released back in September and peaked at #81 in America before falling off the chart altogether. Which just goes to prove that there's no accounting for taste. "No Gravity" isn't the deepest musical offering of 2010 and suffers from one too many cooks production-wise, but if you're looking for a sizzling bunch of club bangers with a sprinkling of over the top balladry then Shonnie is your bitch. This is the album Rihanna would make if she removed that giant stick from her overused arsehole. It's fun, catchy and completely unpretentious. Shontelle needs to migrate to Australia where her voice and talent would be better appreciated. She could be the Marcia Hines of the new millennium! Here is my track by track review:

1. Perfect Nightmare

"No Gravity" was delayed for several months to give Shontelle the opportunity to get in the studio with Darkchild and this is a result of that collaboration. I adore the song but it has to be said that "Perfect Nightmare" owes a lot to Beyoncé's "Sweet Dreams". The lyrical content is very similar and the production isn't exactly worlds apart. But if you're going to rip something off, it might as well be something good. And I love the way Shon's exploration of the line between love and hate, passion and obsession begins as an acoustic ballad before transforming into a brooding dance anthem. Rodney Jerkins has been on fire lately and this is one of his most interesting productions. Perhaps a little too interesting. "Beautiful Nightmare" takes a couple of listens to get into, which could explain its inability to chart. It's a shame because this a truly beautiful pop song.

2. Impossible

Oh fuck, what do you say about "Impossible". To my mind, it's one of the year's most unexpected hits. The track is such a throwback to the 90s (you know, when divas could actually sing) with its soaring chorus and you done me wrong lyrics. Toni Braxton would have owned this back in the day but Shontelle shows off her own powerful pipes to stunning effect. I defy you to listen to "Impossible" without at least one power grab!

3. No Gravity

For a while this was touted as the album's second single. With good reason. "No Gravity" is an irresistible pop explosion with effortlessly uplifting lyrics and a plethora of catchy vocal hooks. There's something very European about the production, which isn't really that surprising given the long list of Swedish names in the credits. The album's title track is as cute as button. I really hope they haven't given up on this entirely. It could work wonders in Europe and Australia.

4. Take Ova (feat. Pitbull)

I've had a sick obsession with Pitbull since seeing him perform at Supafest earlier this year. His mesmerising hip thrusting turned me into a stan overnight and the prospect of my man collaborating with the pride of the Barbados left me salivating. Happily, the song lived up to my lofty expectations. Darkchild's dancehall meets Eastern European disco approach to production is fierce and the heavy beats are guaranteed to get your feet moving. There's nothing particularly deep about the lyrics (well, apart from Pit's rap about playing with his microphone - hell yes!) but this is a great party anthem that sounds radio ready for America.

5. Say Hello To Goodbye

Shontelle returns to ballad mode on "Say Hello To Goodbye", injecting some variety into the album. I don't mind this. It isn't particularly ground-breaking or original but I like the song's message and Shonnie's emotional vocal. My only criticism is the production, which sounds very dated. Producers really need to move on from Ryan Tedder increasingly boring formula of guitar based mid-tempo balladry. He spends enough time recycling that shit himself without the rest of the industry jumping on his bandwagon.

6. DJ Made Me Do It (feat. Asher Roth)

This has become something of a fan favourite but it's easily my least favourite song on the album. Co-written by Bruno Mars and produced by his team (The Smeezingtons), "DJ made Me Do It" is a fairly straightforward club banger with highly predictable lyrics that I swear I've heard a million times before. It also has a really annoying sample and features the world's most pointless rapper. The track was originally recorded by Nina Sky but rescued by Shontelle when their album was shelved. She shouldn't have bothered. "DJ Made Me Do It" is pleasant enough but it's been done before and better.

7. Love Shop

If you download only one song from "No Gravity", make it "Love Shop". This pop trash explosion pushes all my camp buttons and is already a #1 smash in my alternate universe. I love the stunningly bad lyrics - "I'll be your love shop baby tonight, I'll do all the things you like" and "my love is open from 6am to 6am, so hurry up and come inside". Subtle! My love shop couldn't handle all that business but I digress. "Love Shop" showcases Shontelle's fun side and is catchy to the point of being annoying. I have no idea who Djibril Kagni and Jordan Houyez are but Dannii needs to hire these geniuses to re-produce her domestic violence themed club classic "Love Fight". Amazing!

8. Helpless

The upbeat dance-pop continues with "Helpless". It's a fun track but pales in comparison to "Love Shop". There's just something missing that holds this back from being excellent. Perhaps its the generic production or boring lyrics. And why does Shonnie pronounce mirror as mir-woir. Girl, you're not French. Think of this as pleasant filler.

9. Kiss You Up

Written and produced by Tony Kanal (No Doubt) and Jimmy Harry, "Kiss You Up" is a sweet little ballad. The piano is a nice touch and I love the pretty lyrics. Shontelle is so versatile. She can churn out throwaway dance-pop with the best of them but also knows how to interpret something more intimate and introspective. This is missing the big hook it needed to work on radio but it's a little gem that I can't stop listening to.

10. T-Shirt (Radio Killa Mix)[feat. The-Dream]

I have no idea what Shon's stunning debut single is doing on this album. It was the crowning jewel of her fabulously titled debut ("Shontelligence") but the sexy slow jam doesn't fit on "No Gravity". I'm so pissed off that "Licky" was given the flick, while this made the cut. Sure, that stunning dance anthem boasts the least flattering video clip of 2010 but the song is amazing and sounds like a hit to me. Hopefully it will feature on the inevitable re-release!

11. Evacuate My Heart

Shontelle pulls a Kylie by wasting one of the album's best songs as a bonus track. Sure, "Evacuate My Heart" is Rihanna by the numbers but it's more fun than anything RiRi's done since "Good Girl Gone Bad" and Darkchild's seething production is club and radio ready. This would be a good single choice if Shontelle is afraid of exposing her love shop to the world. The heavy beats and catchy chorus make this a perfect conclusion to an extremely enjoyable album that never tries to be anything other than dumb fun.

7.5/10

Ke$ha's Cannibal - My Psychic Review

The tracklist for Ke$ha's "Cannibal" has finally hit the net and the song titles alone have sent the blood rushing to my man parts. I'm convinced the holy pop icon/genre defining musical maverick has the album of the year on her hands. "We R Who We R" is already a #1 smash on US iTunes and the just leaked "Sleazy" showcases Ke$ha's incomparable versatility. There hasn't been a move this unexpected since Paris revived reggae with "Stars Are Blind"! The anticipation is killing me. So instead of waiting until the 22nd of November to review the legendary diva's sure to be stunning opus, I thought I'd do it now. Sure, I've only heard three tracks but I'm not going to let a minor detail like that rain on my parade. So after dusting off my crystal ball, consulting my tarot cards and dialling mystic Meg - here is my pre-release review of "Cannibal":

1. Cannibal

The opening track is bound to be a generation defining anthem. Ke$ha is known for her subtle, ambiguous lyrics - so this could be about anything but the spirits are telling me it's a metaphor for reinvention set to a hard electro background with a spine tingling chorus. Think Lady Gaga's "Monster" - only 100 times better.

2. We R Who We R

Ke$ha's stunning commentary on gay suicide has already been widely acknowledged as a modern classic and should sweep next year's Grammy awards. There's not a lot to say apart from your faves could never!

3. Sleazy

I have to admit this Bangladesh produced jam tested my faith in our Queen. Under normal circumstances, I'd suggest Ke$ha leave the urban club bangers for true hood divas like Jessica Mauboy and Willow Smith but after three or four listens I was completely hooked. "Sleazy" (bottom of post) is the hip hop song of the year. This inspiring anthem will provide solace to reformed gold diggers everywhere, while the lyric "beats so phat gonna make me cum" will live on forever. Amazing.

4. Blow

Hmmm, the cards tell me Ke$ha has penned a tune about snorting coke from a toilet seat while being fucked from behind. Either that or it's an alt-country ballad about inflating balloons. You decide.

5. The Harold Song

Obviously a touching tribute to Ian Smith from Neighbours.

6. Crazy Beautiful Life

I'm thinking a cover of Seal's "Crazy" mashed with the Ace of Base classic "Beautiful Life".

7. Grow A Pear

The lazy interpretation of this title is another song about a bad boyfriend who needs to grow a pair of balls and be a man. But that's too obvious for one of the sharpest minds of our times. Rather, I suspect Ke$ha's has written a song about organic farming in a bid to singlehandedly stop global warming. Grow a pear, people!

8. C U Next Tuesday

Originally titled "C.U.N.T.", this song has been doing the rounds for a couple of years now. I'm glad she finally included it on "Cannibal" because it's always been one of my faves - and the closest Ke$ha will probably ever get to a cute, low key semi-acoustic ballad.

9. Animal (Billboard Remix)

The title track of her glorious debut really should have been a single, so I'm glad to see it getting some love here. I'm hoping for a cheesy Almighty/Bimbo Jones-esque remix but knowing how Ke$ha likes to keep things dark and dirty, it will probably sound like a Marilyn Manson track from the 90s.

10/10

Katy Perry's Teenage Dream - Pop Trash Review

"Aphrodite" wins the award for my most anticipated album of 2010 but "Teenage Dream" comes a very close second. Which is strange because until recently I just wasn't that into Katy Perry. I loved "One Of The Boys" and stuck up for pop's favourite former christian when the gays of blogland accused her of homophobia for recording "I Kissed A Girl" but she never really rocked my world. I guess I always thought of her as the new and improved Avril Lavigne - with better hair and a slightly less grating voice. But then the songs from "Teenage Dream" started to leak and it became increasingly apparent that Katy was in the process of re-inventing herself yet again. The faux rock chick had been replaced by a fully fledged pop star complete with a new image that miraculously walks the line between girl next door (if she were a 50s pin up) and Ke$ha-tastic party slut. I'm amazed by how readily fans have embraced the new Katy Perry but I guess it doesn't hurt that "California Gurls" and the title track represent the best one, two punch in pop since Gaga followed "Just Dance" with "Poker Face".

With the bar set so high, you can't help but wonder if the rest of the album is going to match the same lofty standards. And at first listen I thought that "Teenage Dream" fell a bit short. The mix of genres is a bit jarring at first and I struggled to reconcile the sweetness of "Not Like The Movies" with Katy's classy dick flashing anthem "Peacock". But with time I've come to think of "Teenage Dream" as a concept album of sorts. It looks at adolescence from a lot of different angles - from the immature and debauched to the sweet and hopeful. As a body of work, it doesn't always flow seamlessly ("Circle The Drain" and "Who Am I Living For?" sound completely out of place) but it's hugely enjoyable and there are at least another 5 or 6 singles just waiting to wreak havoc on the charts. Like it or not, Katy Perry has delivered one of the year's best pop albums and moved up the ladder from being B List to a veritable chart superstar. Here is my track by track review:

Teenage Dream

The opening track and second single is an irresistible slice of nostalgia that works its way further into your brain every time you hear it on the radio. I love the sweet lyrics ("I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece") and ridiculously catchy chorus. Katy isn't the world's most versatile vocalist but she manages to sound softer and less affected on this. A lot of credit has to go to the producers. Max Martin, Dr Luke and Benny Blanco also re-invent themselves on "Teenage Dream". After churning out about 35 songs that sound like rejects from Pink's "I'm Not Dead" album (Hello, Adam Lambert!), they finally come up with something fresh and different. The video isn't too shabby either.

Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)

Ok, let's get it out of the way. America's first lady of pop called and wants her act back. I'm convinced "Last Friday Night" was stolen from the box of old demos Ke$ha keeps next to her glitter gun and crate of black market Jack Daniels. This hot jam sounds like it was lifted straight from "Animal" - particularly when Katy says damn! - but that's not necessarily a bad thing. If you're going to jack someone's swagga it might as well be someone good. And Ke$ha is the reigning Queen of US pop, so kudos for having taste. Despite the blatant thievery, there's no denying that "Last Friday Night" is a killer song that should be released as a single sooner rather than later. The lyrics always bring a smile to my face and Max Martin deserves a Grammy for reviving the 80s Sax solo. It gets me everytime! This is the next "I Gotta Feeling" so just get used to it. You'll be hearing "Last Friday Night" 20 times a weekend for the next year or two.

California Gurls

There is something painfully contrived about the album's lead single. It sounds like it was put together in a laboratory by a group of scientists hired to create a surefire #1 smash hit with complete disregard for creativity and humour. And yet I don't give a shit. I know it's as fake and artificial as fairy floss but that doesn't make it any less camp and delicious. Sure, "California Gurls" is getting a bit old now but I still get the urge to turn it up every time it comes on the radio. That chorus is more addictive than heroin and I still get a kick out of Snoop rapping about wieners. A modern classic that will be dragged out at school formals and weddings for the next twenty or thirty years.

Firework

Easily the best song on the album, "Firework" is already locked in as Katy's next single and it should follow the previous two straight to the top of the charts. I must have given this anthem 50 spins over the past week and I still love it more each time I hear it. There's something genuinely uplifting about the lyrics and I love the move towards dance-pop. It's a new sound for both the artist and producers. Stargate have a bad reputation for recycling beats and writing the same mid-tempo urban pop jam for everyone but this is completely new territory for them. The chorus is an absolute monster and I love the way the synths keep building until the end of the song. Utterly irresistible.

Peacock

You know, I hated "Peacock" the first time I heard it. This trash just seemed beneath Katy. Low brow pretenders like Britney need songs like "If U Seek Amy" to keep their less than intelligent fanbase interested but Ms Perry doesn't need controversy to stay relevant. She just needs to crash high school formals. But I digress. After a couple of listens I found myself humming along and I do love a bit of filth. Now it's one of my favourite songs on the album and I've already played it for someone as the world's least subtle hint. LOL! The verse where Katy finally sees her man's equipment cracks me up every time - "Oh my god, no exaggeration. All this time was worth the waiting. I just shed a tear, I am so unprepared!" Modern poetry.

Circle The Drain

The album's only real stinker. Christopher 'Tricky' Stewart drags Katy kicking and screaming back to "One Of The Boys" on this dire rock song. It sounds completely out of place on "Teenage Dream" and quite simply, isn't very good. Apparently, the track is a dig at Travie McCoy. I'm sure he doesn't give a fuck either with "Billionaire" still sitting pretty in the top 10. Swap this rubbish with her fabulous Timbaland collaboration "If We Ever Meet Again".

The One That Got Away

I adore this cute little gem. Dr Luke and Max Martin join forces to write a disarmingly sweet song about lost love. Think of "The One That Got Away" as the sequel to"Teenage Dream" - when the protagonists grow up and find someone else to fuck. The emotions expressed in the song are universal and I love the heady mix of melancholy and nostalgia. I can almost see Katy's cheerleader's uniform and her boyfriend's football jacket. As usual with Max Martin & Co, the chorus is brilliant and the low key production successfully shows a different side of Katy. I would definitely put this forward for the 4th or 5th single. Radio would eat it up and the possibilities for the video are endless.

E.T.

"E.T." leaked months ago as "Future Lovers". I liked it then and I like it even more now. This is the closest Katy gets to pure electro and unlike Christina Aguilera's desperate attempt to jump on that bandwagon, she actually pulls it off. The song takes a couple of listens but it is strangely hypnotic and I love the extended alien metaphor. Again this is big change of pace for Max Martin and Dr Luke, who seem to have kept all their best tracks for Katy. Every other diva in pop is currently spitting chips. Deal, bitches.

Who Am I Living For?

Much like "Circle The Drain", "Who Am I Living For?" is an epic fail that sounds like a reject from "One Of The Boys". Did someone give Tricky the wrong brief? I've swapped this with "Starstrukk" on my iTunes playlist.

Pearl

Not my favourite song on "Teenage Dream" but Greg Wells' first contribution to the album is a grower. I like a good female empowerment anthem as much as the next gay and I'm sure downtrodden women and awkward teenagers around the globe will be pumping this on high volume as they curse their bad boyfriends and squeeze their pimples. Respectively. It is a little bit lame but I love the way Katy pronounces pearl as if she's coughing one up and the production is pretty. A satisfying album track.

Hummingbird Heartbeat

Tricky redeems himself somewhat on "Hummingbird Heartbeart". It's a catchy slice of pop rock in the vein of "I Kissed A Girl" or "Waking Up In Vegas". I'm not sure about the opening line "You make me feel like I'm losing my virginity... every time you touch me" but it's an inoffensive little jam that manages to span the guitar heavy sound of "One Of The Boys" and Katy's new pop orientation. Again, not exactly single material but still worth a listen.

Not Like The Movies

I love this. "Teenage Dream" needed a good ballad and "Not Like The Movies" does nicely. It's a simple piano based affair with surprisingly tender lyrics. I actually love the sentiment of the song - that you need to stop waiting for Prince Charming and get your head out of the clouds. Making it one of the more realistic love songs I can remember hearing. Katy also manages to keep a lid on her sometimes grating vocals, which will please people who thought her last big ballad "Thinking Of You" was a crime against humanity. A fitting conclusion to a great pop album.

8.5/10