Beyoncé's Mystery Third Single

As much as I worship at the alter of "4", there's no denying that the album's promo campaign is the year's hottest mess. "Run The World (Girls)" sat on iTunes for a month with no video or promotion before being thrown away like a used condom after Bey's iconic BBMA performance/ground-breaking Oprah appearance. She then rushed out "Irreplaceable 2011" within weeks - but not before performing "1+1" on American Idol and "End Of Time" at the BET Awards. "Best Thing" didn't exactly set the charts on fire but it was a top 3 hit in the UK and climbed into the US top 20. However, instead of performing it at the VMAs, Queen B announced her pregnancy by belting out "Love On Top" despite naming "Party" as a possible single and releasing a random video for "1+1". Is anyone else confused?

I kind of love that Beyoncé is promoting the album as a whole instead of focusing on individual singles but this is getting ridiculous. "Love On Top" exploded on US iTunes after baby-gate but has steadily fallen with no promotion or video. Meanwhile "Best Thing" has got a second lease of life on urban radio - it's currently sitting at #2 - and "Party" is finally starting to gain some traction. That jam debuted on the urban airplay chart this week at #37. In Australia it's just as confusing. "1+1" is on high rotation on Channel V, Max and MTV but "Love On Top" is rocketing up iTunes after the diva's surprise appearance on X Factor. For the record, I think "Love On Top" or "End Of Time" are good choices for single number three but I'd be happy with anything. I'd just like to know!

On the bright side, Bey can take some comfort in the fact that she hasn't been reduced to opening for Chris Brown like Ms Kelly. Her former Destiny's Child bandmate looked at bit worse for wear in Toronto - maybe she finally saw the sales figures of "Here I Am" - but I'm glad she's still out there working it. As Khia would say - get money, bitch! And damn, if she doesn't have four of the hottest male dancers in the business. Fast forward to the one minute mark for the year's best sausage fest. Someone is going to lose an eye!

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Jessie J?

I have a confession to make. After months of soul-searching and deep reflection, I think I'm ready to come out... as a Jessie J fan! Her album was a bit average but the woman can sing and sure knows how to pen a hit. I even like the fact that she looks like a East German Olympian circa 1983. So why I am so embarrassed? It could be her painful appearance at the VMAs, where she sat in a chair and destroyed other people's songs between ad breaks. Perhaps it has something to do with her increasingly desperate tweets begging fans to download "Who's Laughing Now" because she really wants another UK top 10. Or maybe it's just her status as pop music's least convincing bisexual. Whatever. If I knew I'd write Jessie's management a strongly worded letter because there would be no stopping her if she didn't come across as such a tit.

Fuck Pitchfork and their assessment of the 23-year-old Brit's debut album as the nadir of popular music. I agree that she needs to pull back on the vocal acrobatics and dislodge the chip from her shoulder but "Do It Like A Dude", "Price Tag" and "Nobody's Perfect" were all good singles. Then there's her latest Dr Luke-produced anthem "Domino" (AKA that song that sounds like it really should be on "Teenage Dream"). I don't care if it is a blatant Katy Perry knock-off. It's cute, catchy and has amazing, non-sensical lyrics like "dirty dancing in the moonlight, take me down like I'm a domino". Come again? Better yet is the recently leaked "Without You", which is the best ballad Jessie has ever over-sung, and her amazing David Guetta collaboration "Repeat". Dance music is the diva's future! I love this track and hope it's a single. Check out the second best song on "Nothing But The Beat" below.

Adele's Scary Man-Hands

Don't get me wrong. I'm down with Adele. She is the new and just-as-overrated Norah Jones but I've sobbed along to "Rolling In The Deep" and "Someone Like You" like everyone else with a beating heart. It's nice that housewives have something pleasant to spin at dinner parties again. However, this bitch needs to sit on those scary man-hands while singing. Seeing her at the VMAs was like watching Edward Scissorhands play charades. Or seeing Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama (above) perform sign language to music. The contestants on RuPaul's Drag Race have daintier paws! No wonder she's fast becoming a lesbian icon. Those babies are the lady equivalent of a 12" dick. Anyway, great song and kudos for notching up another US number one hit. Just buy some gloves or something.

Luciana & Betty White - Best Duet EVER!

By now I'm sure you're all aware that legendary club queen/inventor of electro-shouting Luciana Caporaso has teamed up with iconic comedienne Betty White for a re-worked version of her stunning floorfiller "I'm Still Hot". A video has already been filmed and is expected to debut very shortly. From what I've been told it sounds amazing. The delicious duo wander around LA zoo, feed each other cheesecake in the back of a limo and hang out with six studs. It's already too fabulous for me to compute and I haven't even seen the fucking thing yet! Interestingly, the original version (below) is just being released in Australia now - it's currently number 47 on the club chart - and the English stunner has a string of Australian shows planned for October and November. In addition to recording the gayest anthem since "It's Raining Men", Luciana has been busy collaborating on another record with Dave Audé, lent a hand to the new Pussycaty Dolls and has written a song for a certain pop icon's next album. No rest for the wicked!

Songs of the (American) Summer

In case you're wondering what I've been listening to for the past couple of months, here are ten tracks that formed the soundtrack to my American trip. They are clearly all defining anthems of the highest quality, so don't pay too much attention to the rankings. An honourable mention should go to DJ Khaled's "I'm On One", which I was obsessed with for a couple of weeks before coming to my senses.

10. Say Yes - Nicole Scherzinger (Listen)

After years of throwing around insults like Shitzinger and Flopzinger, Nicole turned out to be a total sweetheart when I met her at a showcase. To make matters worse, "Killer Love" is one of the year's best pop albums and I'm now another crappy, soft porn video away from becoming a Scherzy stan. How fucking depressing! One of the highlights from her stunning opus is "Say Yes" and I probably listened to one hundred times over the past couple of months. RedOne finally gave something decent to someone other than Gaga!

9. Just A Kiss - Lady Antebellum (Video)

I've always had a soft spot for the world's most successful country act but hearing "Just A Kiss" on the radio every day in LA sealed the deal. This gorgeous mid-tempo ballad walks the line between pop and country with the grace and skill of 90s Shania. Bring on the album. I'm sick of waiting!

8. Motivation - Kelly Rowland (Video)

Ms Kelly's fuck anthem was unavoidable in the States. Ladies from Alaska to Alabama are raining over their newly inspired men thanks to the latest jam from the most successful (on the R&B airplay chart) child of destiny. I've already written about "Motivation" but it's still pushing my buttons all these months later.

7. Bang Bang Bang - Selena Gomez (Listen)

All hail Selegend! The thinking man's Disney diva is not only riding the holy cock of Biebus, she's also revolutionising popular music with her triumphant album of Britney rejects "When The Sun Goes Down". While everything Selena touches turns to gold, my favourite song on her third offering is pre-release buzz single "Bang Bang Bang". Sure it rips off La Roux and highlights the fact that 18-year-old multiple Grammy winner (in waiting) has a thinner voice than LeAnn Rimes' bikini body but I dare you not to love it.

6. Let Me Down/Dark Side - Kelly Clarkson

The landslide of Kelly Clarkson demos to hit the net in 2011 is extraordinary. Almost as startling as the American Idol winner's inability to lock her computer when ducking out for a McDonald's run is the high quality of the songs. "Let Me Down" and "Dark Side" are brilliant pop/rock anthems with hit potential. Which makes her decision to go with "Mr Know It All" (AKA that shit Bruno Mars B-side) all the more perplexing. Pray that these tracks make the album.

5. Remind Me - Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwoood (Video)

The best country duet since "Islands In The Stream". Enough said.

4. Lift Off - The Throne featuring Beyoncé

Queen B - most successful artist of the millenium and the slayer of your faves - lends her exquisite vocals to her hubby and VMA defender's joint project "Watch The Throne". I find it a difficult album to get into but "Lift Off" clicked intantly. I love the epic feel, the almost retro 60s vibe that runs through it. And Bey tears up that beautiful chorus like a diva possesed. Rihanna lost her wig just listening to this on the radio.

3. Inescapable - Jessica Mauboy (Video)

Earlier this year I met Jess and told her to stop releasing shit singles from an otherwise great pop album. Instead of throwing a drink in my face, she kind of agreed and said she wanted to release "Maze" but was going with a new song called "Inescapable" written by Dianne Warren. I assumed it would be a ballad but I couldn't have been more wrong. This is pure 80s bubblegum pop and I love every second of it. It's her first song with true international appeal since "Burn". Welcome back, baby.

2. Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People (Video)

Someone told me this jam is actually about a vigilante killer, which is upsetting because it's my happy song. Hearing this on the radio in America never failed to put a smile on my face. I love the quirky little hooks and the fact that it sounds like it was recorded on someone's iPhone. As for the lyrics, I don't understand them, and to be honest, I don't really care. As far as I'm concerned this song is about wearing shiny new shoes or something equally lame.

1. Gucci Gucci - Kreayshawn (below)

The only femcee worth her fake nails broke big this summer. Kreayshawn made the transition from YouTube sensation to genuine pop star with less fuss than anyone in history. "Gucci Gucci" was unavoidable in America and I'm still obsessed. Time will tell if she's a one hit wonder or the next Nicki Minaj but, for the moment, I'm too busy laughing at her amazing rhymes to care. The basic bitches have been put in their place and for that we should all be very grateful!

Elen Levon - Sydney Showcase & Video

Elen levon first graced Pop Trash Addicts way back in April. At the time I called her demo the best I'd heard in a long time and told everyone to remember her name. Four months have passed and the 17-year-old school girl is all over Australian radio and burning up the blogosphere. Mystic Meg has nothing on me! Her debut single "Naughty" will take over iTunes on September 23 - pre-order it now - but her promotional campaign began last Wednesday with an industry showcase at the Beresford Hotel.

Like most people who have been following Elen's career, I knew she could dance like a demon but wasn't completely sure about her vocal chops. Don't get me wrong. "Naughty" is pure fire but there's enough autotune on that fucker that make Cassie sound good. So, it was a pleasant surprise to discover that Elen has an impressive set of pipes. She tore into "Naughty", looking every inch the superstar surrounded by her dancers. Next up was a new track called "Like A Girl In Love", which is a stone-cold smash. The heavy synths show Elen in an edgier light and I love the anthemic chorus. That flowed effortlessly into "Ooh Yeah". Don't worry about the dodgy title. Team Levon has cooked up another radio-ready winner that gets lodged in your brain after the first listen.

Yours truly with Elen

While the songs were uniformly excellent, the most impressive aspect of the short (but sweet) showcase was the budding diva's poise. Elen held her nerve like a veteran, hitting every note - while dancing like a non-gutter whore Ciara. Jessica Mauboy can't move like that. Havana Brown would probably break a hip trying. Only time will tell if she connects with the Australian public but the Year 11 student has the raw talent to go a very long way.

Now in case you haven't seen Elen's recently released "Naughty" video yet, here are five points to mull over while soaking in the visual extravaganza.

1. It reminds me of Amy Pearson's "Butterfingers" video - only with competent dancing and enough financial backing to afford a set.

2. My favourite look is the singlet and pony-tail. Leave the heavy make-up and edgy clothes for sad bitches who need to distract from their face. Like Lady Gaga and Cassie Davis.

3. The "Slow" inspired floor-dancing routine is adorable.

4. Why are these children hitting up the club with no parental supervision? It's clearly past their bed-time and I fear they've been drinking more than Powerade.

5. Choreography is back! I feel like we're returning to the 80s/early 90s when a killer dance moves were absolutely essential.

Make sure you follow Elen on Twitter to get the latest news and check out the following links for more stanning:

- Idolator review
- Toya'z World commentary
- Interview with The Prophet
- The expert musings of Feed Limmy

I'm Back. Again.

The time has come to dust off my blog and start writing again. In case you don't follow me on Twitter - if not, why not?! - I've spent the past couple of months doing my thing in Los Angeles. During that time I managed to see Beyonce, interview Nicole Scherzinger, do lunch with Luciana and chat on the phone with legendary 80s pop icon Martika. All in all, a pretty amazing trip! I would have started blogging again sooner but I wanted to overhaul the layout first. Unfortunately, the place still looks like the inside of Mariah Carey's vagina but you'll just have to bear with me for now. Stay tuned for a flood of typically hard-hitting posts over the next few days. It's good to be back.