La Toya Claims The Jackson Throne

The weight of the Jackson legacy now rests squarely on La Toya's slender shoulders. While Janet continues to visit third world nations in search of fans old enough to remember her last hit, Joseph's favourite daughter proudly represented the clan at Sunday night's Michael Jackson tribute concert in Wales - bringing some much-needed credibility to an event otherwise lumped with has-beens like Craig David and Alexandra Burke. I knew the 55-year-old triple threat would step up to the plate and show the world that talent and beauty can co-exist but nothing could have prepared me for what transpired.

After a lifetime of living in the shadows of her slightly more successful brother and sister, La Toya finally stepped into the light and proved that it shoulda been her. The Dutch hitmaker's covers of "In The Closet" and "Jam" were so powerful and moving that no official footage has leaked. Obviously they are keeping all the good stuff for the DVD but a couple of devoted fans managed to film a couple of minutes of Toy's triumphant moment. Watch in awe as the new face of the Jackson dynasty radically improves two of her much-loved brother's worst songs with a little help from fellow R&B legend Heavy D. At this point, I think it's fair to say that Janet could never.

In The Closet

Jam

Love On Top - A Tribute To La Toya

Christmas came early yesterday. Not only did Sunday Night - a dire Australian current affairs program - screen an interview with Beyoncé, they also debuted her "Love On Top" video. Well, a 90 second preview. Not that I'm complaining. I almost choked on a Tim Tam when the clip started. We all know there are videos for "Party" and "End Of Time" gathering dust on Bey's hard drive but I honestly doubted the existence of this one. Surely it would have made more sense to release it straight after the VMAs. You know, when the song was top 10 on iTunes. But better late than never. After overcoming the shock, I had a stunning epiphany. "Love On Top" is clearly a tribute to fellow pop icon La Toya Jackson. It makes sense. They are both peerless beauties, powerhouse vocalists and big in Poland. Furthermore, Bey said that "4" was inspired by R&B legends like Prince and Stevie Wonder. She obviously just forgot to mention Toy Toy. Here are 5 undeniably compelling reasons why "Love On Top" is a moving homage to the thinking man's Jackson.

1. That cap

This was a dead giveaway. When you think about cap wearing mega-stars, who automatically springs to mind? La Toya Jackson. The raven-haired goddess made leather caps the ultimate fashion trend of the 1980s for gay men and soul singers. I'm so glad Bey is bringing it back!

2. Breathtaking choreography

One look at La Toya's "Bad Girl" video (above) proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is the true dancing machine of the Jackson clan. So naturally the most successful artist of the millennium threw in a compelling routine to honour Toy's ground-breaking contribution to modern dance.

3. The Motown sound

"Love On Top" harks back to the sweet soul of Motown - a genre synonymous with La Toya. Listen to her exquisite cover of "Stop In The Name Of Love" if you require further convincing.

4. Her outfit

I thought Bey's leotard looked familiar. She was obviously rifling through Matthew's old VHS collection and found a well-used copy of Toy's Playboy video. The resemblance is uncanny!

5. The low-budget production

Seriously, the only thing cheaper than "Love On Top" is Toy Toy's exquisite "(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do". And like that 80s classic, the visual fits the song perfectly and still slays all your faves. The end.

Watch in awe as Bey tackles Toy's legacy below.

La Toya's New Girlband!

Mentoring upcoming performers is the hottest trend in pop music. It's easy to forget that Lady Gaga first came to fame as Akon's protege, while Justin Bieber benefited greatly from Usher's tutelage. If Mother Monster and Biebus can thrive after being linked with those hacks, imagine how far T-Rio will go under La Toya Jackson's wing. Yes, pop fans - Toy Toy is now a true music mogul! From what I can tell Thayana, Thaisa and Thaina are a mildly successful Brazilian girlband comprised of three stunning sisters. According to their bio, they are massive in Asia but they only seem to have had one hit (below). Since then they moved to America and hooked up with Taj Jackson. He appears to have introduced the lovely ladies to his superstar aunt and now the band is somehow involved with Ja-Tail. They have a zombie series in the works and an animated show but given the company's track record, I highly doubt either will see the light of day. Nevertheless, being associated with a recording legend like La Toya can only open doors. I predict a #17 club smash somewhere down the track - complete with a cameo from Toy in the video. You know, to help sales.

La Toya reclaims Queen of Pop throne

In news that will make Toy Soldiers weep tears of joy and relief, the pretty and talented Jackson sister has released new music for the first time in over a decade. It doesn't matter that the 6 of the 7 songs on La Toya's stunning autobiography soundtrack EP were recorded in 2002 and leaked in 2006. That's just how Toy rolls! "Starting Over" is the easily the best Jackson album since "Thriller" but the tracklist is a bit perplexing.

What the hell is "Mafia Style" doing on there instead of her iconic smash (in waiting) "Player"? I'm also gutted that Toy Toy's exquisite calypso anthem "Tropical Breeze" missed the cut but at least "No More Drama" and "Just Wanna Dance" - which, in true Toy style, has been mislabelled "Jut Wanna Dance" - were included! The highlight, however, has to be the legendary beauty's new song.

"Starting Over" raises pop music to glorious new heights that derivative flops like Janet could only dream of. While the rest of the music industry is busy recycling the 80s, La Toya revisits the mid-noughties with intentionally dated beats (lifted straight from her Star Ice jingle) and delivers exquisite lyrics like "say what you wanna say, just live your life straight or gay!" Lady Gaga could never.

Here is the full tracklist:

Mafia Style (Skit)
Should've Left You
No More Drama
Don't Want You No More
Free The World
Just Wanna Dance
Starting Over

"Starting Over (Songs Inspired By The Book)" is available to download now from Australian iTunes. Make sure to write a positive review when you buy it. I've already thrown in my 2 cents! To get an idea of the aural treat that awaits you, here's "Free The World" - La Toya's heartbreaking response to September 11. La Toya's Grammy nominated songwriting genius is on full display in this modern classic and her vocal makes Adele sound like Ashanti. Goodbye pretenders. The Queen is back!

A taste of La Toya

The first taste of La Toya's pioneering autobiography soundtrack EP is finally here! "Starting Over" sounds like it was recorded in 2003 - and it probably was - but that doesn't stop the future #1 smash (on the bubbling under of the Billboard dance radio airplay chart) from being one of the year's finest singles. I love the perky beat and Toy Toy's Grammy winning lyrical genius is on full display:

All on my own and I'm finally startin' over,
Tonight let's celebrate until I say this party's over

Janet who? And then there's the stunning breakdown that gives me shivers and an erection. You will well and truly feel her funk when the pope of pop unleashes the full power of her one octave range vocals and sassily sings:

I don't need no cure, there ain't no lookin' back
I don't need no cure, no I don't have regrets

Bring on the rest of the EP! I think we can safely say that La Toya has album and single of the year already in the bag. Listen to a preview of her next first hit below.

La Toya - Singer, Dancer, Actress, Legend

How odd that two of the biggest names in the history of music were born one day apart. Kylie turned 43 yesterday, while La Toya celebrates her 55th birthday today. Geminis must have global chart domination written in their DNA! These women have so much in common. Stunning beauty, mesmerising charisma, millions of adoring fans and less successful younger sisters with child-bearing hips. They really should do a duet! So how to honour the Benjamin Buttons of pop? I could dig out a million different YouTube clips that showcase her vocal brilliance and legendary stagecraft but I've decided to post La Toya's iconic starring role as a voodoo priestess in Counterstrike. If you haven't seen this, you're in for a treat. Every second is television gold! Watch in awe as the sexiest woman alive discusses the harsh reality of ageing:

Dowdy woman: "What about inner beauty?"
Toy: "There's no money in it!"

Toy Toy then goes all kinds of crazy on the poor bitch by carrying out an extremely camp voodoo ritual, which seems to involves a lot of ranting and sword wielding while wearing the most fabulous outfit of the 1980s. It all ends in disaster when Toy meets a completely unjust demise - she just wanted to remain pretty! - but I don't want to give too much away. I really think La Toya should return to acting after releasing her book, its accompanying soundtrack and new studio album. She was clearly robbed of Golden Globe glory for her breathtakingly convincing turn as a lunatic on Counterstrike and I'm sure her acting prowess has only deepened with the passage of time.

Dear Toy, thank you for making the world a vastly more interesting place. May you still be startin' over when you're 100! Lots of love from your loyal soldier, Mike X

La Toya's pioneering new album!

La Toya Jackson has always been a marketing genius. Not that it has ever actually resulted in any success but that's beside the point. This is a woman who released an album called "Bad Girl" while her brother was still promoting "Bad". A diva who posed nude on the cover of "Stop! In The Name Of Love" to remind people that she was once in Playboy. An entrepreneur who opened a psychic hotline despite possessing no psychic ability. Yes, Toy Soldiers - our glorious leader has always been at the forefront of publicity whoring and that trend continues with her decade-in-the-making "Starting Over" album. Instead of merely releasing her sure-to-be Grammy nominated opus on its own, Toy Toy is plugging it as the soundtrack to her latest autobiography. Also titled "Starting Over".

The book, which is now available to pre-order from Amazon, sounds like a truly toytastic read. According to the blurb:

"La Toya Jackson was always closer to Michael than anyone knew. In this heartfelt memoir, she pays tribute to his tortured soul — revealing the intimate moments she shared with the deeply troubled pop legend. The first sibling to arrive at the hospital after Michael was rushed there, and the informant on his death certificate, La Toya noticed suspicious details and demanded a second autopsy. For the first time, she unveils shocking behind-the-scenes dealings that she believes led to her brother's death."

No doubt Toy will add a Pulitzer Prize to her already impressive CV before the end of the year! The soundtrack, which is set for release on June 21, is apparently an EP of older tracks. Never fear, Janet's prettier sister is just being resourceful. Apparently the ageless beauty has a second album of new material on the way with a single scheduled for July. The excitement is almost more than I can handle! If her haunting soundtrack album does contain older material - I'm guessing it will feature her stunning Michael Jackson tribute "Home" - then I hope "No More Drama" makes the cut. I've been playing this stunning gem a lot lately. Not only is the YouTube clip a work of genius but Toy was rocking the urban dance sound 8 years before Rihanna. It even includes the legendary lyric "like Jan said I'm in control". A pioneer, I tell you!

Via Toy Experience.

An Open Letter To Lady Gaga

Dear Lady Gaga,

You are one shady bitch. I loved your first two albums - you know, when you actually made fun music - and couldn't care less if you recycle Madonna's entire back catalogue but the time has come to stop ripping off La Toya. I know it's hard not to be inspired by the greatest vocalist of the past 25 years. Toy Toy's own sister spent decades jackin' her swagger but at least Janet had the decency to become a massive flop and disappear, while you continue to rob the Priestess of Pop blind. At first I thought your La Toya obsession was cute. It's clear she's everything you aspire to be (and more) but your latest image is the final straw. You're obviously trying to con Toy Toy's tens of fans into buying your new album by dressing up as her long lost twin sister. Well, I'm on to you and plan to expose your evil trickery to the world. Listed below are six irrefutable examples of your thieving ways. In the words of the great one herself - it's time to get correct!

Yours in utter disgust,

Mike

Example 1: Her new look

It annoys me that deluded monsters hail Lady Gaga's alien look as innovative and cutting edge when La Toya has been compared to extra-terrestrials for years. Compare the following pics. Need I say more?


Example 2: Taking to the runway

When the world's least original pop star walked the runway for Tierry Mugler fans fell over themselves proclaiming Gaga a fashion icon. If only they knew the Benjamin Button of pop stole the idea from Toy Toy.


Example 3: Hitching her wagon to Beyoncé

One of the smartest moves Gaga ever made was roping in the services of the vastly more popular and critically acclaimed music icon Beyoncé to give her some credibility and class. Only, you guessed it. Toy Toy got there first!


Example 4: Red carpet publicity whoring

Mother Monster's arrival at this year's Grammy Awards made international headlines but the bitch has nothing on the thinking man's Jackson, who has turned red carpet whoring into an artform. Even if no one's there!


Example 5: The Eiffel Tower

One of Toy Toy's most iconic photoshoots took place in front of the Eiffel Tower, so I guess it was only a matter of time before Gaga tried to emulate her glamorous idol.


Example 6: Ripping off Madonna

Lady Gaga thought she was so clever ripping off "Express Yourself" but it's clear she got the idea from La Toya, who scored a massive top 30 smash (in Holland) some 20 years earlier with a song that samples "Like A Virgin". Compare "Born This Way" with the vastly superior "Sexbox" below.

La Toya Conquers Spain!

While her has-been sister desperately plans a one country world tour to kickstart her flop career, the pride of the Jackson clan has been rubbing shoulders with European royalty. It must be cold there in Toy Toy's shadow, Jan! Contemporary music's finest vocalist jetted into Seville to judge a horse show and almost caused a riot with her breathtaking beauty. Spain hasn't been rocked this hard since the last time Tony Tornado got drunk and walked the streets of Chueca singing "Los Amores"! I have no idea how La Toya snagged this gig. Wearing a horse hair weave doesn't make you an equine authority but I digress. Toy's status as an international A Lister is confirmed by her attendance and the footage of her arriving at the event in full flamenco dress (below) is the most fabulous thing I've seen in 2010. La Toya looks absolutely stunning but I can't stop laughing at her elaborate poses. Someone should have thrown her some castanets to complete the look or at least taken the jug of Sangria off her until after the event! Seriously, if I wasn't sure that Spain is my spiritual homeland before this debacle - I am now 100% convinced. Watch in awe as La Toya redefines beauty, elegance and sophistication as we know it!

Toy Update - Due To Popular Demand

I love you guys. When you're not rubbishing my love for faceless dance music or hating on my faves, you're spamming my inbox with breathless demands for more Toy Toy. Your wish is my command. I've actually been toying around (pun intended) with the idea of doing a "No Relations" retrospective for months now but I thought I'd tide you over with a quick update on the legendary icon's latest antics. Basically, the high priestess of pop has been giving a master class in publicity whoring. Her first appearance at a shopping mall almost caused a riot. Thousands of Cali Swag fans Toy Soldiers turned out to see our goddess hawk milkshakes with hip hop band Cali Swag District. They apparently have a hit song at the moment (who knew) called "Teach Me How To Dougie" and they kindly taught Toy Toy the dance moves in return for some career advice. No, seriously. The proof is below! After single-handedly plotting Cali Swag's journey to the top of the charts, La Toya hit up a fashion show at Macy's and wowed the paparazzi with her timeless poise and beauty. This is my favourite snap. Poor Brandy. She looks like a withered, old crack whore in comparison to the glorious siren next to her. As her duet partner Monica once sang - don't take it personal. It's just one of dem days!

La Toya's Spanish Triumph!

It's been 15 long years since Toy Toy's last studio album flopped worse than "Bionic" but her reputation as the greatest performer in the history of music grows stronger by the day. Take the latest irrefutable piece of evidence to surface on YouTube. A kindred spirit has just uploaded one of the most fabulous clips I have ever seen (below). Rumours of La Toya's eccentric early 90s TV performances run rife among fans - if anyone has the footage of our Queen covering Patsy Cline's "Crazy" on horseback in Mexico, please email me! - but very few of them ever see the light of day. Count your blessings then that this bravura display is now available for your viewing ecstasy. Filmed for Spanish TV in late 1991 (judging from her nose and the fact she's promoting "No Relations"), Toy rocks España to its very foundations with a stunning medley of hits. She begins with her seminal classic "Playboy" before raising the bar even higher with her #23 Dutch smash "Sexbox". I don't even know where to start. It's one of those things that you really have to see with your own eyes. like the Mona Lisa. But here are some highlights to keep an eye out for:

1. La Toya's breathtaking outfit. I love how she pays tribute to Spain's rich cultural heritage by dressing in a gold lamé matador's jacket. Red roses and a matching cummerbund complete her ravishing ensemble.

2. The hilarious Spanish dancers - who range in size from vertically challenged to positively gigantic. Toy Toy probably found them in a Chueca sauna and took pity. I'm naming them Jordi, Pablo, Fernando and Tony.

3. Toy's fabulously incompetent miming. Keep watching to the very end when the top of her microphone falls off. LOL!

4. Some of the most amazing choreography ever captured on film. The high priestess of pop's incredible ability to recycle Michael's dance moves is genuinely impressive, while the hilarious routine at 4:10 minutes clearly inspired Katie Melua's "The Flood" video. What a thieving skank!

5. The crowd. These classy Spaniards can't get enough of La Toya. They clap, cheer, dance along, give her a standing ovation and beg for more. Spanish TV audiences clearly have impeccable taste!

Brace yourself for 9 minutes of pure, unadulterated bliss. Janet could never!

Stop Press: La Toya Reunites With Bubbles!

Toy Toy's new status as the people's princess has been underlined by her latest act of selfless philanthropy. Just days after fanning the flames of Michael Jackson's memory by serenading Russia with a glorious live rendition of "Earth Song", the tireless humanitarian has captured the hearts and minds of millions around the globe by emotionally reuniting with her dead brother's chimpanzee. In a lucky coincidence, cameras were rolling to capture the moment and the footage is breathtaking. La Toya is the first member of the Jackson clan to visit Bubbles at the Florida ape sanctuary (cruel Janet is clearly too busy releasing flop albums to care) and she is genuinely overwhelmed by the occasion. I love it when Toy lovingly hoses the chimp down and tries to get his attention by loudly calling out her name. But the defining exchange begins at about 3:20 mins when Michael's favourite sister bursts into tears and asks Bubbles if he remembers her. It's simultaneously heartbreaking and hilarious. Some people question La Toya's intentions even though she's made it clear that her only mission in life is to free the world but I think she's completely dedicated to maintaining Michael's memory - even if it means postponing her sure to be #1 platinum smash hit album for another 9 years. Warning: This video is a real tearjerker. It actually made me cry!

La Toya's Stunning Triumph!

I've received a lot of hurtful emails this week accusing me of rudely ignoring the most significant musical moment of 2010. Rest assured, Toy Soldiers. La Toya's stunning triumph in Moscow did not go unnoticed. I was simply too overwhelmed by the magnitude of the occasion to write anything sensible. Our goddess finally had her moment in the sun and proved once and for all that she is the most beautiful and talented Jackson. In case you've been hiding under a rock or are just a sad, delusional Janatic - Toy Toy rocked the Muz-TV Awards show in Russia with an incredible rendition of Michael Jackson's "Earth Song". She was assisted by a couple of my favourite Eastern European pop stars (Dima Bilan, Sergey Lazarov etc) but there's no denying who the star of the show was. La Toya's otherworldly glamour and pitch perfect vocals had the crowd entranced from the second she took the stage wearing some of Michael's old pyjamas. There have been some libellous accusations that Toy Toy mimed but I won't even dignify that filth with a response. The Duchess of Dance spent most of the 90s touring the former Soviet block and a host of bankrupt African nations. She has nothing to prove! Anyway, sit back - grab some lube and a tissue - and prepare yourself for possibly the best performance of all time. The haters have been put in check!

Calling All Toy Soldiers

Dear Toy Soldiers,

Our place of worship has come under attack. The Church of La Toya was abruptly shut down a couple of days ago after allegations of impropriety by a certain administrator were aired in the forum. Toy's Church has since reappeared on a new server - only without the forum or the original founders, who made the site so special in the first place. This saddens me greatly. I know it's not cool to admit but I've made life long friends on the various Toy Toy fansites. Happily, Tommie is trying to bring everyone together again at the Gospel of La Toya. He promises a return to the sense of irreverence and fun that shaped Toy's Haven (the pre-Church forum). I've even been invited to write another series of the Erotic Adventures Of Toy Toy! For old time's sake, here's the first installment. I wanted to post the episode where La Toya goes down on Celine Dion but I don't want to be threatened with legal action. Again. See you all at Toy's new home.

Mike

X

Part 1

The alarm pierced her ears like tiny daggers. Grabbing the nearest dildo, La Toya smashed her clock radio into a hundred tiny pieces. It couldn't possibly be morning already, Toy Toy thought to herself as she sat up in bed and groggily attached her mattered weave. Looking around her once glamorous boudoir, La Toya's eyes widened in disbelief. Clothing was scattered around the room and empty bottles of Star Ice littered the floor. Getting up to investigate, La Toya felt a familiar burning sensation in her big back door. With the intention of sitting on a packet of frozen peas, Toy Toy stumbled into the kitchen and gasped in horror. The fridge was empty. Janet had raided her pantry again.

To Be Continued...

Toy Toy's Latest Triumph

Toy Toy has put the rest of the music world to shame. Yet again. While tragic nobodies like Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears hawk their cheap perfumes and tatty wares to the masses, the thinking man's Jackson has just signed on as the face of the world's most expensive hand cream. Take that, haters! As far as I'm concerned this is a match made in heaven. Clearly the first thing that pops into your mind when you think of eternal youth and beauty is La Toya. She hasn't aged a day since Reagan was in office - thanks to a strict diet and no exercise according to her latest interview. Yes, adoring fans, Toy has given away some of her highly prized beauty secrets in a bid to promote Alessandro's Dream Cream (bottom)!

This video has me completely hypnotised. I can't remember the last time I've seen so much glamour captured on film. La Toya looks as ravishing as ever but she's almost shown up by the German stunner sitting next to her. As endlessly fascinated as I was to learn our Queen's hangover cure, the most exciting thing about the interview is confirmation that the Duchess of Dance will release a new album THIS YEAR! Admittedly, she's been saying that since 2002 but her manager correctly points out that 2010 marks the 30th anniversary of her debut and there are rumours that Teddy Riley has just been hired as the head of music development at Toy Toy's incredibly useless record label. Given his recent collaboration with Lady Gaga (Teddy produced "Teeth") this would be quite a coup for Ja-Tail. I'm extremely sceptical but stranger things have happened. Like La Toya being hired as the face of a luxury cosmetics company!