Pop Panel 3 - Week 3

Welcome to the most surreal Pop Panel yet. This week's selection includes songs from an Asian girlband, a tranny, one of Sweden's biggest stars and the owner of Germany's most famous child bearing hips. And then there's our winner. I really don't know what to say. Our third place getter was clearly ROBBED but I'm too amused by the outcome to be outraged. Only on Pop Trash Addicts! As much as I enjoyed the bitching and shock voting, this week was all about our celebrity guest judge. We've been blessed by the presence of a beautiful orange angel but more about her later. I should also reveal that I've implemented a small change this week by reducing the number of songs to seven after complaints that Pop Panel takes longer to read than War and Peace. Let me know what you think - if I should reduce the number of songs further or keep it as is. Anyway, time to get on with it. The Panel is comprised of the following bitches bloggers:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
J-Step (AUS) music industry insider
Mike (AUS) author of this classy blog
Robpop (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet

And then there's our special celebrity guest - the one and only Kelly Llorenna! This is such an honour. I've been obsessed with the golden goddess of pop since I first heard "Set You Free" in the 90s. She is a true legend and one of the sweetest people I've had the pleasure of dealing with. K Lo is still busy working on her Freak Asylum project with Love To Infinity but hopefully we'll be hearing something new before the end of the year. I'll update you as soon as there is any news regarding a release date. In the meantime, read my interview with the original Queen of Clubs and check out her iconic improvement of Madonna's "Dress You Up" (below).

As usual, the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Cascada – Night Nurse (Video)

Natalie & Co return with another Hi-NRG anthem.

D'Luv: Cascada's 17th attempt at remaking "Poker Face" comes close, but no cigar. At least this video had a budget of 30 euros. 2/5
J-Step: Fucking stupid song! Honestly, I go from liking Cascada to being a hater with each single release. Needless to say, I'm back on team hater. 2/5
Kelly Llorenna: Disappointed with this. Prefer when they are doing more uptempo stuff like "Evacuate the Dancefloor" etc. This just seems very weak compared to the fab pop tracks they have had out in the past... not really feeling the video either. They have done some great vids in the past but this is not one of my faves. I give it 2/5.
Mike: Poor Natalie looks like a plus sized Oompa Loompa in the video but this is entirely acceptable dance trash. Bring on the Yanou Candlelight Mix! 2.5/5
Robpop: An epic titanic shit track of leviathan proportions. 0/5
The Prophet: Why are these floptastic failures still releasing music? Ugh. I give this song some credit though because it's not as in-your-face HI-NRG as the rest of their stuff, and I respect them for slightly toning down their sound and trying something slightly different for a change. It's just a shame the song is so boring. 2/5
Total: 11/30

Alesha Dixon - Radio (Video)

2nd single from Alesha's forthcoming album.

D'Luv: I love how, to break Alesha in America, they have a total white trash couple fighting in a trailer in the video. It's like the "Love The Way You Lie" clip on a shoestring budget and with actors who actually suck worse than Megan Fox. It'll probably work, and this song will be a smash! 2/5
J-Step: Oh, Jesus, I thought Cascada was bad!!! Alesha attempting a ballad is so much worse than Cascada vomiting up and eating the same song for 10 years! 0.5/5
Kelly Llorenna: I was disappointed with this after loving the first single "Drummer Boy" off the new album and the video too. A bit "middle of the road" ballad for miss Dixon. She looks great as usual in the video but not as strong as her other stuff. Shame! As I do like her... I give it 3/5.
Mike: "Radio" sounds like something Ryan Tedder spewed out in 5 minutes between ads while watching the Antiques Roadshow but I kind of like it. Just a shame it was wasted on a talent free zone like Alesha. 3/5
Robpop: If the Cascada track was a Titanic mess, then this is its sister ship, the rms olympic which stayed the course as a ship and was eventually retired. In other words, this is okay but nothing outstanding. It manages to keep its course as an average listenable tune but will ultimately find itself retired into the sunset of the ether. 2/5
The Prophet: When is Alesha DICKson going to realise nobody cares about her solo career? An epic fail at ripping of Queen Robyn on this song. Ew. 0/5
Total: 11/30

Darin - Lovekiller (below)

Swedish pop star dusts off new single.

D'Luv: The appeal of this guy has escaped me for the large part of his career, though I like a few of his songs. This one's pretty exceptional. Just a really good, non-conventional ballad. 4/5
J-Step: If this really is Sweden's 'King of Pop' then they're in dire need of some new talent. This song (worst metaphor EVER) is almost laughable. When the hell are you supposed to pump this out of your speakers? Mine have just given me a strongly worded warning featuring many expletives that if I even think about doing it again they're going to incinerate themselves. 1/5
Kelly Llorenna: Always love videos which start as a feature film. It took a few plays for me to get into this but kind of like it. I don't really know a lot about this guy but he seems to be doing something right. Nice voice too. I think there are bigger songs to come from him yet. The song is ok but easily forgotten. The bit in the video where they are in the church with black eyes freaked me out! lol! 3/5
Mike: And the award for the most heavy handed and depressing metaphor in recent pop history goes to Darin. This made me want to take a warm bath with a sharp razor. The thing is - I kind of love how over the top it is and will probably play "Lovekiller" on the repeat when I'm old, alone and living in a rundown caravan park with 30 cats. 3.5/5
Robpop: Oh there are those strings again. 2 points already. By the time of chorus kicks in, you could imagine this being sung by Jordin Sparks. Not that that's entirely a bad thing but it is totally void of character and emotion. As a stand alone song I feel this is actually the best of the bunch this week but there is absolutely emotion or soul in it. Leaves me numb. 3/5
The Prophet: Darin is only relevant when he's performing with the LEGENDARY Kat DeLuna. Flop. 0/5
Total: 14.5/30

Girls' Generation - Hoot (Video)

Korean girlband unveils latest smash.

D'Luv: Great. So a pack of Korean strippers got ahold of daddy's Platinum Visa card, Mapquested their way to Victoria's Secret and now think they're Girls Aloud. They've actually got 50 times more charisma than Girls Aloud, but this is still boring as fuck. 1/5
J-Step: They're no BoA! Catchy chorus, though. And I love the clip! 3/5
Kelly Llorenna: Wasn't sure what to expect from this girlband as I had never heard anything about them but was pleasantly surprised!! Very catchy pop song which reminded me of something Girls Aloud would do. Really liked the video too... very poppy and couldn't stop singing it all day lol. The only thing I couldn't figure out was how many where in the band!? lol! I give it 4/5.
Mike: If the Wonder Girls are Asia's answer to Destiny's Child, then I guess that makes Girls Generation the Korean Shakaya. 1/5
Robpop: Reasonably okay pop from Girls Generation. A bit too tedious and lukewarm for me. It kinda sounds like an S Club 8 b-side. 3/5
The Prophet: These girls never fail to have the best and catchiest hooks on all their stunning hits. "Hoot" is no "Gee" but it's still amazing, nonetheless. 5/5
Total: 17/30

Slash feat. Fergie - Beautiful Dangerous (Video)

Ex-Guns N Roses guitarist gets fergalicious.

D'Luv: No. 0/5
J-Step: Hot song, hot video = HOT, HOT, HOT!!! 4/5
Kelly Llorenna: Love it, love it. love it!!! My fave out of all the reviews. I am a massive fan of Slash and Fergie. This rocks!!! This is one of them tracks I wish I had done!!! lol! Slash's guitar licks and Fergie's bad ass voice!!! Winning formula!!! And the video!!! Wow!!! And the best butt award goes to? Wow she looks amazing!!! My fave!!! 5/5
Mike: Absolutely stunning. This was never going to be a hit but I love everything about it. The Dutchess shows P!nk how a real rock chick rolls! And as much as it pains me to admit, I agree with The Prophet. Fergie needs to take a holiday from the Peas and do her own thing. Someone needs to put the pretenders in check. 5/5
Robpop: Crap.0/5
The Prophet: Fergie just SNATCHED AND SLAYED your faves! Stay mad! She needs to fuck off this electro shit with the Black Eyed PEA BRAINS and start work on her own ROCK album. 5/5
Total: 19/30

Peppermint – Let U have It (Video)

New York's hottest tranny gets sexy.

D'Luv: This is what Hell sounds like, as produced by C+C Music Factory. 5/5
J-Step: I prefer spearmint, bitch. Leave the yelling to Kelis. Keep the guy, though! 2.5/5
Kelly Llorenna: I feel a RuPaul vibe here! The song reminds me of a Britney track. The song is slightly weak for me but the video makes up for it as it's very glam and sexy. I couldn't remember the song...but I could tell you all about the video! lol! I give it 2/5 for song, 4/5 for video.
Mike: Ultra Nate called and wants her "Automatic" video back but I can't hate on Peppermint despite her ruthless swagga jacking. Any diva that spends her entire video groping a naked man is ok by me and I love that the song sounds like an En Vogue B-side from 1992. 5/5
Robpop: When I heard Naomi Campbell was releasing an album with Lenny Kravitz back in the heady days of the 1990's I thought she'd put out something like this. Despite being a tiny bit dated, this is not bad. Not overly brilliant. But good. 2.5/5
The Prophet: It's no "Tranny in the House" but it's still epically defining. I just wanna EAT that guys ASS like I'm MUNCHING on a giant slice of WATERMELON! Is that too vulgar? Whatever. 4.5/5
Total: 21.5/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Susan Boyle – Perfect Day (below)

Susie covers Lou Reed.

D'Luv: I'd fuck her. 5/5
J-Step: Surprisingly enough, I like this. Anyone else see the parallels with Vanessa Amorosi's "Perfect"? Both in the name and video's sweeping pan shots... haha, love it! 4/5
Kelly Llorenna: After seeing her on Piers Morgan, I actually really like her now. I still prefer Lou Reed's version but this is not bad... got a Christmas vibe going on with the choir and bells and chimes in the background! lol. It reminds me of something Cliff Richard would bring out (as he normally does) for Christmas... I give it 2.5/5.
Mike: The arrangement is cute in a vomit inducing kind of way and there's no denying Susie's hypnotic sex appeal but I wish K Lo had recorded a stunning Hi-NRG cover version instead. "Perfect Day" needs Kelly's powerhouse vocals and legendary golden glow! Maybe next year? 3.5/5
Robpop: Actually, this is a beautiful arrangement. For sure, I have "issues" with the cover and the singer but putting those prejudices aside this is actually a rather stunning version. I like the way they've brought in strings. Something of which I have a huge weak spot for. Respect goes to covers which have re-worked it and brought out different aspects, narratives and emotions that weren't really there originally. 5/5
The Prophet: I LOVE Auntie Susie! I know Susie's turned this classic into an English Church hymn but I don't care. I even bought this single legally on iTunes. That Susie reign just won't let up! 5/5
Total: 25/30

Pop Panel 2010 - Week 5

The term 'hot mess' is an accurate description of tonight's Pop Panel. My lovely celebrity judge had to pull out at the last minute, there are 9 songs instead of the usual 8 due to a one man protest over the conspicuous absence of a certain diva from last week's line up and The Prophet effectively sabotaged the chances of a certain pop princess. I would have scrapped it and started over if I didn't find the chaos so damn funny. As for the winner, I thought Robyn would run away with it but the votes turned out to be extremely close. Probably because it was a strong week (make sure you check out the stunning anthem from New Zealand's amazing Lori Watt) and I sense the beginning of a backlash against the Scandinavian pop deity. I guess people are starting to realise how shit "Body Talk" really is. Anyway, enough stirring! The following man whores are responsible for this week's shock result:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
The Prophet (Aus) writer of The Prophet

We are also joined by:

J-Step (Aus) - the mysterious music industry figure returns for a second week.

Aaron (New Zealand) - I love this guy! Aaron has been a friend of mine since the glory days of La Toya's Haven and has since gone on to make a name for himself on NZ's gay scene, first as a La Toya drag impersonator (watch this and weep!) and then as part of the country's first drag girlband (below). He now runs New Zealand's hottest gay website. Check out Aaron and Andy for music news, hot gossip and douching tips. I'll never drink bottled water again!

As usual the results are ranked lowest to highest.

Rihanna – Rockstar 101 (Video)

Another week, another Rihanna single.

Aaron: What happened to Rihanna? She was so good then came "Rated R". This isn't terrible, it's just dull like both "Russian Roulette" and "Te Amo". Even the addition of Slash can't get me excited about this. 2/5
D'Luv: WRETCHED. 0/5
J-Step: Prefer this over "Te Amo' completely. That being said, it isn't all that either. Is it time we officially called this bitch a try hard and moved on? 3/5
Mike: RiRi-diculous. 0/5
Paul: Jesus Christ on a cross, I'm not sure how many more Rihanna singles I can take! She releases more of one album than say, Westlife have from the past 4. If I've not been entirely won over by her by now then I can't see this changing my mind. 2/5
The Prophet: After seeing this video I went from being a Rihanna hater to a Rihanna stan overnight. I'm a huge fan of the "Rated R" record now, and "Rockstar 101" is one of the best cuts from it. Rihanna is probably the worst female singer and performer of the past decade, but style and great songs have turned her into a superstar and the "Rockstar" video really embodies everything that makes Rihanna, Rihanna. 5/5
Total: 12/30

David Guetta & Chris Willis Feat. Fergie & LMFAO – Gettin’ Over You (Video)

Guetta gets fergalicious!

Aaron: LMFAO = amazing and Fergie = pantswetting hot mess, so this should be good except David Guetta is just so boring. 3/5
D'Luv: The first version was bad enough. LMFAO just makes it even more shit. And Guetta needs to get a new sound. (Get-a it?) 0/5
J-Step: This is pure David Guetta. Fun, pumping and likeable. He better stop this before he gets a name for himself! 4/5
Mike: Fuck LMFAO, David Guetta and Chris Willis. This stunning anthem is all about goddess Fergie, who continues to inspire a generation of drag queens with her tasteful make-up and costume choices. Big, dumb fun. 3.5/5
Paul: Well clearly David has peaked with Kelly Rowland's "Commander" this year then. Not that this is entirely horrible, it certainly has its moments, but I'm not unfolding in my pants over it. 2.5/5
The Prophet: Absolute trash. I'll give it one point for LMFAO and Fergie's titties. 1/5
Total: 14/30

Lori Watt – Chill In My Vein (Video)

Words escape me...

Aaron: I'm ashamed to be a New Zealander. I'm sure I've seen this no talent busking outside the local Westfield. If I'd realised I'd have to endure her again, I would've thrown something at her. Yuck yuck yuck! 0/5
D'Luv: When this broad held that note on the line "I'm not the only ooooooooone," my cat's ears shot straight back. Lori is a true talent! Watch and learn, Rihanna. Well, I know what I'll be masturbating to for the next year. 5/5
J-Step: God help us all! 0/5
Mike: Sarah McLachlan, Aimee Mann and Jewel just threw in the towel because they know they can never compete with the mind-bending brilliance of Lori Watt. With a voice that sounds like Britney (live without autotune) and the magnetic charisma of crazy homeless woman, New Zealand's greatest living talent takes you places that should be illegal. This defining masterpiece will leave a chill in your vein and potential deafness in your ear. 5/5
Paul: Fucking ghastly. 0/5
The Prophet: Mike, you know you are a hot mess for this one! This is so amazing that I can't even speak, so I'm going to let the Youtube comments on the video do the talking for me: "Truly amazing! I can relate to the lyrics after my bad breakup" and "Hauntingly, achingly beautiful. Thank you". 4.5/5
Total: 14.5/30

Sergey Lazarev – Alarm (Video)

Fom Russia with love. And pleats.

Aaron: I don't know why, but when it comes to male singers, I have a real soft spot for trashy Russians. This is the first Sergey song I've heard and I'm now obsessed. He's my new Dima Bilan! I hope he likes to get his gear off as much as Dima. 5/5
D'Luv: Nyet, Boy Gaga. 0/5
J-Step: Conceptually, this track and its video is the result of Christina Aguilera's "Not Myself Tonight" and George Michael's "Freeek!" engaging in a session of love making. But seriously Sergey, why the frig am I ringing the alarm for? I do, however, love the symbolic shape in the video's 2:40 mark. 2/5
Mike: A Russian twink channels Lady Gaga on a $10 budget. Is it wrong that I kind of love it? 3.5/5
Paul: Oh the nerve! The sheer gall! The unmitigated audacity!! He's basically rewritten G'Gah's "Just Dance" and made it a man-pop song. It's not bad at all, and I'm a fan of Sergey mainly because he does look like a low class rent boy who'd do the really dirty stuff for an extra tenner. So it's a bit generic but a lot of fun. Love the weeding of the lady garden amidst her ruffles. 3.5/5
The Prophet: Russian pop is garbage without t.A.T.u! 1/5
Total: 15/30

Infernal – Love Is All (below)

Denmark's greatest export returns with a new single.

Aaron: Hmmmm. I want to like this. I love the beat, but something about it just doesn't gel with me. The vocals sound a bit like a bad Steps remix. I think they need to go Paris or Berlin and get some better sounds. 3/5
D'Luv: This sounds like something from Gina G's 1996 Fresh album. (That's a good thing!) I don't think I've ever actually seen full-on fucking in a music video before, though. Weird. 3/5
J-Step: Infernal were one of my true loves in 2005, but this is a HUGE step backwards. Always having a tight, superior Euro sound, this just sounds like a god awful piece of 90s shit that was produced in 45 seconds. The whole package is saved by the video's impressive cinematography. They're both capable and worthy of so much more. 2.5/5
Mike: God bless Paw and Lena. Bitches are falling over themselves to hate on Infernal's comeback but they can do no wrong in my book. Admittedly, "Love Is All" is a bit of a grower and I feel unclean after watching the video but the chorus is deceptively catchy and I love the 90s throwback sound. 3.5/5
Paul: The Danes return! It's cookie cutter rave pop and they are capable of so much better but the video is bonkers x 10 and the chorus gets catchier each time I hear it. They usually have much better on their albums than the first single indicates so I'm excited for a "long player" as the kids say... 3/5
The Prophet: This is so trashy that I can't help but love it. The video defines me. 3.5/5
Total: 18.5/30

Enrique Iglesias – Cuando Me Enamoro (Video)

While the rest of the world gets "I Like It", Spain and latin America are treated to this jam.

Aaron: When Enrique sings in Spanish, it either gives me shivers up my spine, or I find myself reaching for the skip button. This is more a skip button. It's cute enough but just doesn't really go anywhere, and why is the teacher speaking in English at the start of the video? 3/5
D'Luv: This is okay, I guess. It kind of makes me want to dig out his good stuff, like "Be With You" and that ping pong shit. I'd hit it with Enrique. 2.5/5
J-Step: Who thought cheese could be so boring? Once you've gone pop you can't stop! 2/5
Mike: I'm a total whore for any old shit sung in Spanish and I've always had a hard spot for Enrique, so this is a no brainer. 4/5
Paul: I do like Enrique the pop star. He still pleases me all these years on. And I do like the Spanish language - it's more sensual than the romantic French, so I feel like Enrique is trying to get me quickly onto his satin sheets. It's a rather nice mid-tempo tune where the two blokes get to croon each other off to their hearts content. 3/5
The Prophet: OMG amazing! I love Enrique but I didn't listen to any of the new stuff after that shitty RedOne song leaked. I didn't realise he was still doing good music too. God he is so hot. And Lol @ that fat kid getting hit in the gut with the ball. 4.5/5
Total: 19/30

Goldfrapp – Alive (Video)

Alison & Co release the second single from "Head First".

Aaron: I groaned a little when I saw this on the list... I've never been able to get into Goldfrapp and so left this to last with a bit of dread. But how wrong was I? This is lovely! Also loving the 70s porn meets Satan doing Cher Fitness video. 4/5
D'Luv: Not the most immediate single choice from "Head First", but it's still an awesome track. People have complained about how cheap the video looks, but I think it's better than that last piece of shit Beyonce threw up. 5/5
J-Step: The intended clever irony is totally lost on me. This is the kind of pointless shit that pisses me off. Is it really worth all the cash and effort to just try be funny and have a dig at something? How is this the same duo that gave us Strict Machine? Stop trying to comment on everything that's wrong with music, bitches, and start actually producing something decent for us to talk about and enjoy! 1.5/5
Mike: "Rocket" was completely irresistible but this strikes me as more of an accomplished album track. I do love the dreamy synths and share Alison's obvious obsession with Olivia Newton-John but the chorus doesn't really do it for me. 3.5/5
Paul: Bloody lovely. It's airy, floating, ethereal, charming disco-pop and I can't get enough of this single or their rather brilliant album. Alison sounds like she's having the whispery time of her life. It just seeps into your brain and refuses to get out. Like a semen stain but more pleasant. 4/5
The Prophet: The song is great, but ya'll know the video is where it's at! We're not supposed to review the video but fuck it, I"m still taking it into account. 4/5
Total: 22/30

Robyn – Dancing On My Own (Video)

Sweden's favourite hobbit unveils her stalker anthem.

Aaron: Robyn is the 13th greatest female performer of all time and this continues to demonstrate why she is so amazing. While she's never gonna top "Show Me Love", this is right up there. 4.5/5
D'Luv: It's a shame this leaked two months before its actual scheduled release. I think the song actually better than most of the stuff on her last album. I hope complete-fail amateurs like Beyonce, Ciara and Keri Hilson hear Robyn's stunning soul pipes and just drop on the spot. 5/5
J-Step: I'm just not lapping this up like I thought I would. It just feels like I've heard it all before. Come to think of it, I have. Seriously, Robyn, go away for another five years and take two doll, 'cause this just ain't making the cut! 2/5
Mike: I've already written about "Dancing On My Own" at length. In a nutshell - it is the saving grace of the thus far woeful "Body Talk" experience. This is nuclear powered pop with (a broken) heart and soul. Exquisite. 5/5
Paul: I've never really got Robyn the way other bloggers spaff their love chuff over her. This is pleasant enough though isn't it, though it's hardly the second coming of Christ or whatever. I do quite like the chorus lyrics and I probably wouldn't turn it off if it came on the radio. And I do see why people like her, I just never warmed to her. 3.5/5
The Prophet: I would've given this 4 or 5, but it's so obvious that it's probably gonna win the Panel this week, so I'm gonna fight the system and sabotage it. La Résistance! 2/5
Total: 22/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Ke$ha - Your Love Is My Drug (below)

Pop's classiest flower returns with the 3rd single from "Animal".

Aaron: She is the worst thing to happen to the world since Taylor Swift. 0/5
D'Luv: The New Queen Of Soul delivers yet another smash hit. Her CD hasn't left my car since January, and this angelic hymn, co-written by her mother, never ceases to make my crotch tingle. 5/5
J-Step: Oh, look, it's the cheap Britney/Pink/GaGa/Christina wannabe! The song's catchy enough, but the woman herself just makes me want to hate everything about her and her stuff! 3.5/5
Mike: I'm appalled by the small minded haters on this Panel. Ke$ha is the Bob Dylan of our generation and deserves our love and respect! The entirely original cultural icon continues to stun and amaze with the latest single from her flawless album of high class pop gems. And seeing her live with The Prophet was one of the defining moments of 2010! 5/5
Paul: I can't help but like this song. it's so infernally catchy and rather addictive and engaging. And that's a bit of a problem for me because i don't really like Ke$ha although i'm scared to say because Mike will probably end up having her as a guest blogger next week! But this is jolly good sing out loud pop. 4/5
The Prophet: YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Ke$ha just snatched every fuckin' wig in the game! The h@t3rZ said that she would be a one-hit-wonder but now she's on her third consecutive top ten platinum certified smash! Mike and I have actually had the pleasure of basking in Ke$ha's holy glow at a really intimate and exclusive live concert in Sydney, where we got to touch her and get covered in glitter. You mad? 5/5 (or if possible 10/5).
Total: 22.5/30