Pop Panel 2010 - Week 5

The term 'hot mess' is an accurate description of tonight's Pop Panel. My lovely celebrity judge had to pull out at the last minute, there are 9 songs instead of the usual 8 due to a one man protest over the conspicuous absence of a certain diva from last week's line up and The Prophet effectively sabotaged the chances of a certain pop princess. I would have scrapped it and started over if I didn't find the chaos so damn funny. As for the winner, I thought Robyn would run away with it but the votes turned out to be extremely close. Probably because it was a strong week (make sure you check out the stunning anthem from New Zealand's amazing Lori Watt) and I sense the beginning of a backlash against the Scandinavian pop deity. I guess people are starting to realise how shit "Body Talk" really is. Anyway, enough stirring! The following man whores are responsible for this week's shock result:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
The Prophet (Aus) writer of The Prophet

We are also joined by:

J-Step (Aus) - the mysterious music industry figure returns for a second week.

Aaron (New Zealand) - I love this guy! Aaron has been a friend of mine since the glory days of La Toya's Haven and has since gone on to make a name for himself on NZ's gay scene, first as a La Toya drag impersonator (watch this and weep!) and then as part of the country's first drag girlband (below). He now runs New Zealand's hottest gay website. Check out Aaron and Andy for music news, hot gossip and douching tips. I'll never drink bottled water again!

As usual the results are ranked lowest to highest.

Rihanna – Rockstar 101 (Video)

Another week, another Rihanna single.

Aaron: What happened to Rihanna? She was so good then came "Rated R". This isn't terrible, it's just dull like both "Russian Roulette" and "Te Amo". Even the addition of Slash can't get me excited about this. 2/5
D'Luv: WRETCHED. 0/5
J-Step: Prefer this over "Te Amo' completely. That being said, it isn't all that either. Is it time we officially called this bitch a try hard and moved on? 3/5
Mike: RiRi-diculous. 0/5
Paul: Jesus Christ on a cross, I'm not sure how many more Rihanna singles I can take! She releases more of one album than say, Westlife have from the past 4. If I've not been entirely won over by her by now then I can't see this changing my mind. 2/5
The Prophet: After seeing this video I went from being a Rihanna hater to a Rihanna stan overnight. I'm a huge fan of the "Rated R" record now, and "Rockstar 101" is one of the best cuts from it. Rihanna is probably the worst female singer and performer of the past decade, but style and great songs have turned her into a superstar and the "Rockstar" video really embodies everything that makes Rihanna, Rihanna. 5/5
Total: 12/30

David Guetta & Chris Willis Feat. Fergie & LMFAO – Gettin’ Over You (Video)

Guetta gets fergalicious!

Aaron: LMFAO = amazing and Fergie = pantswetting hot mess, so this should be good except David Guetta is just so boring. 3/5
D'Luv: The first version was bad enough. LMFAO just makes it even more shit. And Guetta needs to get a new sound. (Get-a it?) 0/5
J-Step: This is pure David Guetta. Fun, pumping and likeable. He better stop this before he gets a name for himself! 4/5
Mike: Fuck LMFAO, David Guetta and Chris Willis. This stunning anthem is all about goddess Fergie, who continues to inspire a generation of drag queens with her tasteful make-up and costume choices. Big, dumb fun. 3.5/5
Paul: Well clearly David has peaked with Kelly Rowland's "Commander" this year then. Not that this is entirely horrible, it certainly has its moments, but I'm not unfolding in my pants over it. 2.5/5
The Prophet: Absolute trash. I'll give it one point for LMFAO and Fergie's titties. 1/5
Total: 14/30

Lori Watt – Chill In My Vein (Video)

Words escape me...

Aaron: I'm ashamed to be a New Zealander. I'm sure I've seen this no talent busking outside the local Westfield. If I'd realised I'd have to endure her again, I would've thrown something at her. Yuck yuck yuck! 0/5
D'Luv: When this broad held that note on the line "I'm not the only ooooooooone," my cat's ears shot straight back. Lori is a true talent! Watch and learn, Rihanna. Well, I know what I'll be masturbating to for the next year. 5/5
J-Step: God help us all! 0/5
Mike: Sarah McLachlan, Aimee Mann and Jewel just threw in the towel because they know they can never compete with the mind-bending brilliance of Lori Watt. With a voice that sounds like Britney (live without autotune) and the magnetic charisma of crazy homeless woman, New Zealand's greatest living talent takes you places that should be illegal. This defining masterpiece will leave a chill in your vein and potential deafness in your ear. 5/5
Paul: Fucking ghastly. 0/5
The Prophet: Mike, you know you are a hot mess for this one! This is so amazing that I can't even speak, so I'm going to let the Youtube comments on the video do the talking for me: "Truly amazing! I can relate to the lyrics after my bad breakup" and "Hauntingly, achingly beautiful. Thank you". 4.5/5
Total: 14.5/30

Sergey Lazarev – Alarm (Video)

Fom Russia with love. And pleats.

Aaron: I don't know why, but when it comes to male singers, I have a real soft spot for trashy Russians. This is the first Sergey song I've heard and I'm now obsessed. He's my new Dima Bilan! I hope he likes to get his gear off as much as Dima. 5/5
D'Luv: Nyet, Boy Gaga. 0/5
J-Step: Conceptually, this track and its video is the result of Christina Aguilera's "Not Myself Tonight" and George Michael's "Freeek!" engaging in a session of love making. But seriously Sergey, why the frig am I ringing the alarm for? I do, however, love the symbolic shape in the video's 2:40 mark. 2/5
Mike: A Russian twink channels Lady Gaga on a $10 budget. Is it wrong that I kind of love it? 3.5/5
Paul: Oh the nerve! The sheer gall! The unmitigated audacity!! He's basically rewritten G'Gah's "Just Dance" and made it a man-pop song. It's not bad at all, and I'm a fan of Sergey mainly because he does look like a low class rent boy who'd do the really dirty stuff for an extra tenner. So it's a bit generic but a lot of fun. Love the weeding of the lady garden amidst her ruffles. 3.5/5
The Prophet: Russian pop is garbage without t.A.T.u! 1/5
Total: 15/30

Infernal – Love Is All (below)

Denmark's greatest export returns with a new single.

Aaron: Hmmmm. I want to like this. I love the beat, but something about it just doesn't gel with me. The vocals sound a bit like a bad Steps remix. I think they need to go Paris or Berlin and get some better sounds. 3/5
D'Luv: This sounds like something from Gina G's 1996 Fresh album. (That's a good thing!) I don't think I've ever actually seen full-on fucking in a music video before, though. Weird. 3/5
J-Step: Infernal were one of my true loves in 2005, but this is a HUGE step backwards. Always having a tight, superior Euro sound, this just sounds like a god awful piece of 90s shit that was produced in 45 seconds. The whole package is saved by the video's impressive cinematography. They're both capable and worthy of so much more. 2.5/5
Mike: God bless Paw and Lena. Bitches are falling over themselves to hate on Infernal's comeback but they can do no wrong in my book. Admittedly, "Love Is All" is a bit of a grower and I feel unclean after watching the video but the chorus is deceptively catchy and I love the 90s throwback sound. 3.5/5
Paul: The Danes return! It's cookie cutter rave pop and they are capable of so much better but the video is bonkers x 10 and the chorus gets catchier each time I hear it. They usually have much better on their albums than the first single indicates so I'm excited for a "long player" as the kids say... 3/5
The Prophet: This is so trashy that I can't help but love it. The video defines me. 3.5/5
Total: 18.5/30

Enrique Iglesias – Cuando Me Enamoro (Video)

While the rest of the world gets "I Like It", Spain and latin America are treated to this jam.

Aaron: When Enrique sings in Spanish, it either gives me shivers up my spine, or I find myself reaching for the skip button. This is more a skip button. It's cute enough but just doesn't really go anywhere, and why is the teacher speaking in English at the start of the video? 3/5
D'Luv: This is okay, I guess. It kind of makes me want to dig out his good stuff, like "Be With You" and that ping pong shit. I'd hit it with Enrique. 2.5/5
J-Step: Who thought cheese could be so boring? Once you've gone pop you can't stop! 2/5
Mike: I'm a total whore for any old shit sung in Spanish and I've always had a hard spot for Enrique, so this is a no brainer. 4/5
Paul: I do like Enrique the pop star. He still pleases me all these years on. And I do like the Spanish language - it's more sensual than the romantic French, so I feel like Enrique is trying to get me quickly onto his satin sheets. It's a rather nice mid-tempo tune where the two blokes get to croon each other off to their hearts content. 3/5
The Prophet: OMG amazing! I love Enrique but I didn't listen to any of the new stuff after that shitty RedOne song leaked. I didn't realise he was still doing good music too. God he is so hot. And Lol @ that fat kid getting hit in the gut with the ball. 4.5/5
Total: 19/30

Goldfrapp – Alive (Video)

Alison & Co release the second single from "Head First".

Aaron: I groaned a little when I saw this on the list... I've never been able to get into Goldfrapp and so left this to last with a bit of dread. But how wrong was I? This is lovely! Also loving the 70s porn meets Satan doing Cher Fitness video. 4/5
D'Luv: Not the most immediate single choice from "Head First", but it's still an awesome track. People have complained about how cheap the video looks, but I think it's better than that last piece of shit Beyonce threw up. 5/5
J-Step: The intended clever irony is totally lost on me. This is the kind of pointless shit that pisses me off. Is it really worth all the cash and effort to just try be funny and have a dig at something? How is this the same duo that gave us Strict Machine? Stop trying to comment on everything that's wrong with music, bitches, and start actually producing something decent for us to talk about and enjoy! 1.5/5
Mike: "Rocket" was completely irresistible but this strikes me as more of an accomplished album track. I do love the dreamy synths and share Alison's obvious obsession with Olivia Newton-John but the chorus doesn't really do it for me. 3.5/5
Paul: Bloody lovely. It's airy, floating, ethereal, charming disco-pop and I can't get enough of this single or their rather brilliant album. Alison sounds like she's having the whispery time of her life. It just seeps into your brain and refuses to get out. Like a semen stain but more pleasant. 4/5
The Prophet: The song is great, but ya'll know the video is where it's at! We're not supposed to review the video but fuck it, I"m still taking it into account. 4/5
Total: 22/30

Robyn – Dancing On My Own (Video)

Sweden's favourite hobbit unveils her stalker anthem.

Aaron: Robyn is the 13th greatest female performer of all time and this continues to demonstrate why she is so amazing. While she's never gonna top "Show Me Love", this is right up there. 4.5/5
D'Luv: It's a shame this leaked two months before its actual scheduled release. I think the song actually better than most of the stuff on her last album. I hope complete-fail amateurs like Beyonce, Ciara and Keri Hilson hear Robyn's stunning soul pipes and just drop on the spot. 5/5
J-Step: I'm just not lapping this up like I thought I would. It just feels like I've heard it all before. Come to think of it, I have. Seriously, Robyn, go away for another five years and take two doll, 'cause this just ain't making the cut! 2/5
Mike: I've already written about "Dancing On My Own" at length. In a nutshell - it is the saving grace of the thus far woeful "Body Talk" experience. This is nuclear powered pop with (a broken) heart and soul. Exquisite. 5/5
Paul: I've never really got Robyn the way other bloggers spaff their love chuff over her. This is pleasant enough though isn't it, though it's hardly the second coming of Christ or whatever. I do quite like the chorus lyrics and I probably wouldn't turn it off if it came on the radio. And I do see why people like her, I just never warmed to her. 3.5/5
The Prophet: I would've given this 4 or 5, but it's so obvious that it's probably gonna win the Panel this week, so I'm gonna fight the system and sabotage it. La Résistance! 2/5
Total: 22/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Ke$ha - Your Love Is My Drug (below)

Pop's classiest flower returns with the 3rd single from "Animal".

Aaron: She is the worst thing to happen to the world since Taylor Swift. 0/5
D'Luv: The New Queen Of Soul delivers yet another smash hit. Her CD hasn't left my car since January, and this angelic hymn, co-written by her mother, never ceases to make my crotch tingle. 5/5
J-Step: Oh, look, it's the cheap Britney/Pink/GaGa/Christina wannabe! The song's catchy enough, but the woman herself just makes me want to hate everything about her and her stuff! 3.5/5
Mike: I'm appalled by the small minded haters on this Panel. Ke$ha is the Bob Dylan of our generation and deserves our love and respect! The entirely original cultural icon continues to stun and amaze with the latest single from her flawless album of high class pop gems. And seeing her live with The Prophet was one of the defining moments of 2010! 5/5
Paul: I can't help but like this song. it's so infernally catchy and rather addictive and engaging. And that's a bit of a problem for me because i don't really like Ke$ha although i'm scared to say because Mike will probably end up having her as a guest blogger next week! But this is jolly good sing out loud pop. 4/5
The Prophet: YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Ke$ha just snatched every fuckin' wig in the game! The h@t3rZ said that she would be a one-hit-wonder but now she's on her third consecutive top ten platinum certified smash! Mike and I have actually had the pleasure of basking in Ke$ha's holy glow at a really intimate and exclusive live concert in Sydney, where we got to touch her and get covered in glitter. You mad? 5/5 (or if possible 10/5).
Total: 22.5/30