When Lambs Attack

I love lambs. They are a peaceful breed with hearts full of love and power ballads. You can usually find them at your local mall perusing the Hello Kitty merchandise or pushing bottles of Lollipop Bling to the front of the perfume counter. But when they go rogue, the results can be terrifying. Take this shocking documentary, which mercilessly dissects the state of Christina Aguilera's career. It cruelly points out that she's only sold 45 million albums and gloats about her meagre four #1 hits. While Mariah's stunning chart run will never be touched by lesser mortals - vengeful lambs should remember that sad flops like Ciara, J Lo and Keri Hilson would kill to be as unsuccessful as Xtina. Brace yourself for 2011's harshest dose of reality!

The 20 Best Video Clips Of 2010

I think we can all agree that the glory days of high budget video clips (ie. the late 80s/early 90s) are long behind us. To a certain extent it has levelled the playing field, allowing anyone with a clever idea to mix it up with music's big guns but there is something sad about watching our favourite A List divas play with budgets that wouldn't have covered their manicure bills ten years ago. I guess the exception is Lady Gaga but I really find her hit and miss. For every "Telephone", there's an "Alejandro" in which she's just happy to play the shock card and rip off 80s Madonna. To be honest, it's all a bit dull. Anyway, some pop stars still know how to knock out an iconic clip and here are twenty of the best. I'm sure I've forgotten a few but I'm sure you'll let me know in the comments! Here goes:

20. Tranny In The House - La Chiquitta (Video)

2010 was a great year for trannytastic pop videos and Hong Kong's most glamorous drag queen delivered one of the best. Sure, it was probably filmed in less time than it took to La Chiquitta to apply her make up but I love the storyline and relentless sense of fun that bursts from every scene. Time for a sequel!

19. Prisoner - Ayna (Video)

This clip goes to prove that you don't need a 10 million dollar budget - just an incredibly elegant diva in an array of high end couture outfits and some of the classiest special effects captured on film. When is this stunning talent going to bless us with a follow up single?

18. Yesterday - Toni Braxton (Video)

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when someone pitched this video. Which genius raised their hand and said "let's put our 43 year old Grammy winner in lacy lingerie, have her make out with a man half her age - that is when she's not writhing in ecstasy on a plastic table. Oh and someone call Brooke Hogan for a cameo!" Needless to say this hot mess is twenty kinds of fabulous.

17. Smack You - Kimberly Cole (Video)

You know, it never ceases to amaze me how superstars like Mariah and Kylie are given ten dollars to shoot a video on their gay best friend's iPhone, while someone funded a five minute homage to Fight Club for "internet phenomenon" Kimberly Cole. Not that I'm complaining. The end result is a glossy, high camp extravaganza that really should be adapted into a feature length movie if only to hear the classic line "and I fucked yo' man!" one more time. A cult classic.

16. Indispensable - Lucero (Video)

Lady Gaga brought many a diva unstuck in 2010 - see Christina Aguilera for exhibit A - but her undeniable impact on pop culture had some truly amusing side effects. Like this hilarious clip from Mexican siren Lucero. Never before has a middle aged balladeer looked quite so tragifabulous. The outfits and zero budget special effects kept me coming back to this gem time and time again.

15. Saturday Night - Victoria Silvstedt (Video)

Victoria is so defining. I could watch her wash dishes and be utterly mesmerised but the supermodel brings her A game to this high brow video by posing in a bikini, sunbaking on a yacht and making every female on the planet jealous of her natural beauty by shaking her boobies in a nightclub. What more could you ask for?

14. Rocket - Goldfrapp (Video)

A funny thing happened in 2010 - Goldfrapp developed a sense of humour. And the first single from their slightly disappointing album showcases it perfectly. Basically, Alison drives a rocket into the desert, does some random dance moves before strapping her man onto said spaceship and sending him off into the universe. That's one way to get rid of a dud boyfriend! I like everything about this from the phallic imagery to the gorgeous shades of pink that permeate every frame. Classy and camp at the same time.

13. Got Dat Work - Mephis Blac ft. Smokahontas Jones (Video)

Khia wishes she was half as real as these two stunning beauties. Watching this hypnotic dose of visual Viagra will leave you hard, breathless and most likely suffering from some kind of STD. Already a cult classic.

12. Diamonds - Twinz (Video)

There is some debate as to whether these incestastic twins hail from Russia or Poland but who really cares when they are swinging around naked on ropes with lights beaming from their private parts? Leave it to Eastern Europe to raise the bar for modern art!

11. Spectacular - Kiely Williams (Video)

Poor Kiely. I'm sure you all remember this trainwreck. You know, the former Cheetah Girl turned streetwalker who tried to eke out a music career by singing about passing out drunk and getting fucked up the arse. Sure, it's a universal theme that we can all identify with but not exactly a ticket to chart success! Anyway, the video is a sordid affair beloved by hos the world over. I give it two thumbs up!

10. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry (Video)

Sometimes a film clip just fits a song perfectly. Katy Perry got it oh so wrong with the ridiculous (but still enjoyable) mess doubling as her "California Gurls" video but redeemed herself with this. "Teenage Dream" drags me kicking and screaming back to the beach parties we had in high school. I can almost smell the Malibu and Clearasil. Sadly, none of the boys looked half as hot as Katy's piece in this video but most of us can identify with her slice of nostalgia regardless of age or sexuality.

9. Radio Gaga - Tanya (Video)

Damn, this is a good song. I'm so pissed that I can't seem to track it down anywhere. But I digress. Russia's answer to Lady Gaga leaves the American version in her wake with this masterpiece. Tanya not only rocks a series of outfits that would make the fame monster green with envy, she also fellates an ice cream, gets her tits out and watches her husband leave her for a man. Oh and then there's 2010's most disturbing use of a watermelon in a video clip. I love this girl. Tanya, it's time to go international!

8. Body Shots - Kaci Battaglia (Video)

Kaci is my Queen. While lesser divas jump on Gaga's bandwagon or try to be artistic, this former child star puts on a skimpy bathing suit and gets her lezz on. The result is something akin to a Sports Illustrated photoshoot come to life - if the art director was that sleazebag behind Girls Gone Wild. I love the choreography and copious use of alcohol. It's about time that the gays woke up to themselves and jumped on Kaci's booze fueled bandwagon!

7. Telephone - Lady Gaga & Beyoncé (Video)

Probably the year's second most expensive video after "Alejandro" and it was worth every cent. Some critics took aim at the fact that the video's dark storyline has nothing to do with a song about losing reception in a nightclub but they missed the point. This is the closest Lady Gaga has ever come to dropping her mask and just having fun. While "Bad Romance" and "Alejandro" were painfully artistic, this is a trashy ride through the exploitation films of the 70s. I love the over the top fashion (beer can curlers and smoking sunglasses) and the Chained Heat meets Thelma & Louise plot. Needless to say, Bey steals the show with her Golden Globe nominated acting chops and raw beauty but "Telephone" will live on as a camp classic for decades to come.

6. Dance Floor Diva - Karina Bradley (Video)

I honestly can't explain why I love this as much as I do. Karina is a motivational speaker by day/international pop sensation by night who just happened to snatch every wig in the game when she unleashed this piece of movie magic at the beginning of the year. "Dance Floor Diva" is just one of those clips you have to experience yourself - preferably after one too many drinks. It just never fails to amuse me. From Karina's ridiculous outfits to the amazingly bad choreography, this is pop trash gold.

5. Bittersweet - Sophie Ellis-Bextor (Video)

I used to whinge that all Sophie's videos looked the same. Everyone knows she can't dance to save herself, so she usually just stands around looking glamorous while something diverts the viewer's attention from her complete and utter lack of coordination. The thing is - in this day of pussy popping, softcore porn videos - Sophie's old fashioned shtick is positively revolutionary. I adore this clip. She looks like a goddess and the special effects compliment rather than distract from the proceedings. The whole thing is just so fucking pretty.

4. Auld Lang Syne - Mariah (Video)

Can someone please rip this to DVD, put it in a time capsule and bury the fucker as deep as they can dig. When future generations look back on 2010, I want them to know that at least one celebrity had a sense of humour. Despite being 13 months pregnant with twin elephants, Mariah still squeezes into her sexiest dress and preens like a 17 year old prom queen. I'm not sure if she's taking the piss or completely delusional but it doesn't matter. This is still the funniest four minutes of footage I've seen in 2010.

3. I Don't Care - Barb@zul (Video)

Spain's world famous bear band raised the bar for gay videos with this amazing tale of love, betrayal and gay footballers. It works on all levels. There's the perv factor with Lazaro and the smokin' hot guy who plays Juan as well as the soap opera-tastic storyline and even the promise of a sequel. I can't wait. Shit like this makes me want to pack my bags and move to Spain. Bring on part 2!

2. All The Lovers - Kylie (Video)

I can't believe I criticised "All The Lovers" for being boring when the clip first hit the net. Shame on me. In the space of 6 months, it has become positively iconic. I've seen tragic gays piling on top of each other at the Midnight Shift in a misguided attempt to re-create the video and witnessed my Spanish friend bring "All The Lovers" to the streets of Chueca with a spine-tingling performance of "Los Amores" - complete with choreography. Hola, Tony! The simple concept is what makes this stand out from just about everything else released in 2010. It's clever, beautiful and so very Kylie. In retrospect, this is about the only thing they got right in the entire "Aphrodite" campaign.

1. Why Don't You Love Me? - Beyoncé (below)

It's ironic that Queen B spent a fortune on "Videophone" only to end up with a complete stinker, while she apparently churned out this gem in a day on the sniff of an oily rag for a planned but never released DVD collection. "Why Don't You Love Me?" is absolutely irresistible. I love watching Beyoncé camp it up as B.B. Homemaker, drinking martinis and smoking like a chimney. It's cute, funny and sexy without trying too hard. The scene where she dusts her Grammy awards is too fabulous words and retro shtick works a treat. This just proves that you don't need a million dollars to film a great video. Just a good idea and some charisma. It also doesn't hurt if you are the sexiest woman alive.

Mimi & The Video Of The Year!

How does she do it? Despite being 24 months pregnant and crazier than the person who gave Cassie Davis a record deal, Mariah still manages to churn out the most fabulous video of 2010 on a budget that would make Jessica Mauboy roll her eyes and say bitch, please. In case you haven't heard it yet, Mimi has released a dance remix of "Auld Lang Syne" just in time for New Year's Eve. I know what you're thinking - finally a worthy successor to J Lo's "Waiting For Tonight"! But the diva wasn't content at recording the soundtrack to a billion drunk party pashes, she also found the time to gay up the 31st of December even further by filming the amazingly cheap video extravaganza you find below. Seriously, this kills me. If I could marry a YouTube clip I would be happy to spend the rest of eternity with this. Leave it to Mimi to squeeze her extremely pregnant arse into a low cut baby doll mini-dress and preen her flowing locks like she's still on the set of "Dreamlover". Throw in the cheapest firework projection in film history, a bunch of tacky ad-libs ("Does anybody really know the words?" at 2:25 mins) and a remix sounds like it was put together by Eiffel 65 and you have an immediate trash classic. Bow down to her for she is holy!

Pop Panel 3 - Week 6

Pop Panel never ceases to amaze me. One week Kim Zolciak scoops the pool with a perfect score and the next a pair of critically acclaimed indie-pop darlings take the prize. At least it's never boring! I have to admit I'm kind of torn by the result. I would have loved our runner up to win. It's the second time she's almost snatched victory and I think she deserves it for having 3 great singles out this year. But then our victor is amazing and I've been playing that song on repeat for weeks. Actually, unlike the other judges, I really like most of the songs this week. Some for their so bad it's good appeal and others because they're just pretty - if not strikingly original. Oh well, you be the judge. Is this single of the week up to scratch or should the following judges get a life and get off the internet?

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (AUS) author of this classy blog
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet

We were also assisted by the following bloggers:

Gordon (UK) writer of the amazing Diva Incarnate. If high camp pop is your thing, then his blog is THE place to be!

and

Enric (Spain) writer of Blog petit, pero valent. He's one of my hot Spanish bitches, so you know he's defining.

and last but definitely not least we have a stunning celebrity judge!

Erika Jayne is one of the hottest dance divas on the block right now. Her first 4 singles shot to #1 on the US club chart and her new hit "One Hot Pleasure" looks set to follow suit. Erika's catchy jam perfectly straddles the pop and dance worlds. It's slick, catchy and sexy. It was also written by club King Dave Aude and my homegirl Luciana - so you know it's quality. And don't even get me started on the video (below). It contains so much fabulousness that prolonged exposure is sure to turn you gay. Despite the fact that Erika is pure sex and really turns it out. Give it a look! The song is on iTunes now. Buy it. I really hope this is her crossover hit. An Australian record label would be crazy not to jump on it. I'm so excited to have her on board!

As usual the songs are rated from lowest to highest. Here goes!

Natasha Bedingfield – Strip Me (Video)

Daniel's horse faced sister is back.

D'Luv: If Natasha spent less time working with trendy writers and producers and more time actually writing decent material like her first album, I might not have to sit here every time I hear one of her goddamn boring-ass songs and wonder why I never got to fuck her brother when he was thin and still relevant. So screw her. 1.5/5
Diva Incarnate: You've really lowered the bar with this one: the good thing about this song is that if you like it you can just buy Beyonce's "Halo" off itunes instead. -5/5
Enric: I must say that I hate her with all my heart, I hate her annoying voice, her tampon-ad songs, and her appearance on Nicki Minaj’s album. But, for the first time ever, I love her rip off of Jordin Sparks’ Battlefield. Is Ryan Tedder (producer of the track) trying to make another Halo-Already Gone thing? 5/5
Erika Jayne: Saw the video. Love the new fashion risks she’s taking. Can’t wait for the remixes! 2/5
Mike: Thanks for that charming story, Proph. I'll never be able to listen to "Unwritten" again without wanting to call the authorities. As for Natasha - she still looks like a distant relative of Phar Lap but "Halo" is my probably my favourite song of all time, so anything that rips it off this closely is ok by me. 4/5
The Prophet: I can't believe I used to love Natasha Bedingfield when I was younger. When I was an underage teenager and first moved to Sydney I made this creepy old guy who was obsessed with me buy me one of her singles. He didn't even buy me her album. He was such a freak actually, once I went to his house to play my Gamecube because I didn't have a TV yet, and he had this young teenage boy staying with him who looked like some street trash who had been kicked out of home and was sleeping with this old pervert to keep a roof over his head. I just ignored it and continued playing Resident Evil, then went home. 0/5
Total: 7.5/30

Edita – I’ve Come To Life (Video)

Winner of German X Factor’s debut single.

D'Luv: Musically, this song sounds like a knockoff of Hurts' "Wonderful Life." Vocally, it sounds like Leona Lewis getting pile-drived beneath the Brandenberg Gate, with thighs jutting out to each side like twin beacons of freedom. 1/5
Diva Incarnate: Since she's German I give this a nine! And in English I give it a 2.
Enric: A beautiful song, but it sounds so Ryan Tedder that it gets boring after the first chorus. I love seeing Sarah Connor, she perfectly fits in this blog. 3/5
Erika Jayne: Go Germany! 1/5
Mike: Back off, bitches! Edita might look like a shopgirl from Magdeburg playing dress up in an outfit Diana Ross discarded circa 1985 but she can sing and the song is lovely. I can't wait for my copy to arrive from Germany!5/5
The Prophet: Not only did Mike purposely ignored ALL my pop panel suggestions this week, but rather than use one of my epic submissions he stuck this German BITCH up instead to SPITE me because he knows I hate Germans, Germany and Mike's German heritage. This bitch is floppier than my 8 inch dildo Alejandro. ZERO! 0/5
Total: 12/30

Mariah & Patricia Carey – O Come All Ye Faithful (Video)

Mimi teams up with her mum on this Christmas carol!

D'Luv: I guess now we know where Mimi got her pipes from. And her penchant for fucking for tracks. This is so Mariah-style over the top it's getting a perfect score. 5/5
Diva Incarnate: Mariah still shrieks those tender high notes like someone's fish-hooked her vagina. Hard to tell if she is leaving a voicemail to Kanye or actually singing come-ye. Does she sing this to her 12 year old husband when he has nightmares? 2/5
Enric: Mariah (who is actually 46 months pregnant, judging by her full size) and her Opera singer-wannabe mum Patricia turn Christmas into a nightmare full of fear, screams, high notes and broken glasses. Pay special attention to the 2:03 mark and try to survive it. 2/5
Erika Jayne: Xmas is one of my favorite holidays. Mariah is the ultimate Xmas carol diva. 3/5
Mike: I feel like I've just spent 3 and a half minutes in Mimi's high kitsch rainbow coloured world where all pets wear Santa costumes and 9 inch heels are normal footwear for heavily pregnant women. It's as warm and personal as it is ridiculous and cringe-worthy. Which perfectly sums up Christmas, doesn't it? 5/5
The Prophet: I love Mariah and "I Still Believe" is one of my all time favorite songs, but nobody gives a fuck about this Christmas album or seeing her sing a duet with Mother Mimi. For this Holiday season I'm on team Auntie Susie (The Gift!) and Jessica Simpson's stunning Mariah knock-off "My Only Wish" from her festive opus "Happy Christmas" which peaked at a dizzying #123 on the Billboard Charts. 0/5
Total: 17/30

Kylie & Taio Cruz – Higher (Video)

Kylie's latest adventure is a duet with UK pop sensation Taio Cruz.

D'Luv: I hate to say it, but Kylie seems a little desperate doing this. It sounds like some anonymous dance track any studio singer from Germany could have lent vocals to, and if the 'Aphrodite' campaign needs this type of stunt to remind people that Kylie's got an album out, best just to move on. 2/5
Diva Incarnate: The most natural Kylie has looked since chilbirth. The only thing getting higher is her right eyebrow. Taio probably thought she was Lulu anyway. 3/5
Enric: Maybe I dreamed it, but I think this was meant to be on Aphrodite. Let’s hope it’s on the re-release (by the way, I wish it’s called Hermaphrodite) because it’s awesome. This is my favourite Kylie era ever. 5/5
Erika Jayne: I’ve always been a fan of Kylie – how could you not?! 3/5
Mike: I love it. Taio is on fire and this is as close to current Dannii's withered up sister has come to sounding... since "Get Outta My Way"! A shame then that Kylie is still wasting her time promoting the mega flop "Better Than Today" and a Christmas EP that no one wants when she could have a hit on her hands with this gem. 5/5
The Prophet: This gets three points for Kylie, but minus two points for Taio, leaving us with ONE. 1/5
Total: 19/30

Dyan Tai – Why Sydney? (Above)

Introducing the winner of Sydneyvision 2010 - a suburb vs suburb Australian take on Eurovision!

D'Luv: Thank God — new masturbation material. 4/5
Diva Incarnate: Sounds like a forgotten wigfield remix with that bassline. Since I love Asian lesbians I give it a 5.
Enric: I love the instrumental, sounds simple but dancey. But his voice and his extra-feminine acting, added to the cheap video and the worst clothes selection ever, makes me feel confused. I want to like it, but I can’t. 1/5
Erika Jayne: I saw his video, and love his artistic-ness with his make-up. 2/5
Mike: Fuck off, Altiyan. Australia's next music god is already here! 5/5
The Prophet: Defining! Australia's answer to Far East Movement has arrived! Dyan looks like one of those asian Twinks you see tweaking on level 1 at the Midnight Shift. 4.5/5
Total: 21.5/30

Wynter Gordon – Dirty Talk (Video)

US dance diva has an Australian hit on her hands with this sleazy tune.

D'Luv: I feel like this song has been out for at least a year, right? And didn't it have a completely different video at one point? This one's much better. Wynter's a trooper, and so I'll give her 3.5/5.
Diva Incarnate: Lukewarm trance. Not so much lyrics as reading aloud Dannii's dressing room demands. 3/5
Enric: Keri Hilson’s cheap version is still trying to top any chart. I adore one of her first songs, "Surveillance", and maybe you loved it too in 2007. "Dirty Talk" is not better, but is one of 2010 most finest tracks. 5/5
Erika Jayne: I really like this song – I can relate to the sexy lyrics. I love a dirty conversation. 4/5
Mike: My love for this gorgeous creature knows no bounds. I hope this is huge for her. She deserves it, Wyn has been on the grind since 04! 5/5
The Prophet: I've been a Wynter fan since the "Surveillance" days, but now all of a sudden that she's this new club Queen every fickle flop out there is on her clit. Wynter is MY thing and I was playing this song since the second it leaked so stay mad. 4/5
Total: 24.5/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Crystal Castles – Not In Love (Video)

Features vocals of The Cure's Robert Smith.

D'Luv: I lived for The Cure when I was 13 and 14. Nice to hear that Robert Smith still has teenage boy voice all these years later, now that I'm 19. Alright, joking aside, I'm 22 and this song is a winner. 5/5
Diva Incarnate: When the pop is stark and hooky I usually cream my pants but candidly shit emo vocals rub me with more irritation than Michelle McManus's thighs. The fizzy synthesizers save it. 3/5
Enric: I know them because they messed up their performance last year in Barcelona, throwing vodka and drums to the audience. I love the ravey chorus and it’s always great to hear Robert Smith’s vocals. 4/5
Erika Jayne: I grew up listening to The Cure. I love Robert Smith! His voice is one of a kind. 4/5
Mike: A great cover a forgotten 80s gem. Sad, beautiful and haunting. 5/5
The Prophet: Finally some good music graces the FLOP panel. 5/5
Total: 26/30

Mimi Does It Again!

I knew I was going to love Mariah's new Christmas album from the moment I saw the master class in Photoshop doubling as the cover. Mimi is so fucking shameless. I swear she's just recycled a picture from 1994 and thrown in a plastic snowman from Kmart for added effect! You'll be happy to know that the lead single is just as fabulous as the artwork. "Oh Santa" hit the net last week and I can't turn the damn thing off. Seriously, this is the legendary diva's best single since a generation of gays cried themselves to sleep listening to "Mariah's Theme" a decade ago. As far as I'm concerned, "Oh Santa" is the perfect Christmas anthem. It's cute, catchy and easy to sing along to when you're drunk! I particularly love the "ho ho hos" and jingle bells. Hell, Mimi even brings back her trademark dog whistle at the two and a half minute mark. Yes! I never thought I'd say it but I think Mariah has at least equalled the magic of "All I Want For Christmas Is You". Time will tell if it's as big as that yuletide classic but I know what song I'll be annoying my family with on Christmas morning.