La Toya Claims The Jackson Throne

The weight of the Jackson legacy now rests squarely on La Toya's slender shoulders. While Janet continues to visit third world nations in search of fans old enough to remember her last hit, Joseph's favourite daughter proudly represented the clan at Sunday night's Michael Jackson tribute concert in Wales - bringing some much-needed credibility to an event otherwise lumped with has-beens like Craig David and Alexandra Burke. I knew the 55-year-old triple threat would step up to the plate and show the world that talent and beauty can co-exist but nothing could have prepared me for what transpired.

After a lifetime of living in the shadows of her slightly more successful brother and sister, La Toya finally stepped into the light and proved that it shoulda been her. The Dutch hitmaker's covers of "In The Closet" and "Jam" were so powerful and moving that no official footage has leaked. Obviously they are keeping all the good stuff for the DVD but a couple of devoted fans managed to film a couple of minutes of Toy's triumphant moment. Watch in awe as the new face of the Jackson dynasty radically improves two of her much-loved brother's worst songs with a little help from fellow R&B legend Heavy D. At this point, I think it's fair to say that Janet could never.

In The Closet

Jam

La Toya's pioneering new album!

La Toya Jackson has always been a marketing genius. Not that it has ever actually resulted in any success but that's beside the point. This is a woman who released an album called "Bad Girl" while her brother was still promoting "Bad". A diva who posed nude on the cover of "Stop! In The Name Of Love" to remind people that she was once in Playboy. An entrepreneur who opened a psychic hotline despite possessing no psychic ability. Yes, Toy Soldiers - our glorious leader has always been at the forefront of publicity whoring and that trend continues with her decade-in-the-making "Starting Over" album. Instead of merely releasing her sure-to-be Grammy nominated opus on its own, Toy Toy is plugging it as the soundtrack to her latest autobiography. Also titled "Starting Over".

The book, which is now available to pre-order from Amazon, sounds like a truly toytastic read. According to the blurb:

"La Toya Jackson was always closer to Michael than anyone knew. In this heartfelt memoir, she pays tribute to his tortured soul — revealing the intimate moments she shared with the deeply troubled pop legend. The first sibling to arrive at the hospital after Michael was rushed there, and the informant on his death certificate, La Toya noticed suspicious details and demanded a second autopsy. For the first time, she unveils shocking behind-the-scenes dealings that she believes led to her brother's death."

No doubt Toy will add a Pulitzer Prize to her already impressive CV before the end of the year! The soundtrack, which is set for release on June 21, is apparently an EP of older tracks. Never fear, Janet's prettier sister is just being resourceful. Apparently the ageless beauty has a second album of new material on the way with a single scheduled for July. The excitement is almost more than I can handle! If her haunting soundtrack album does contain older material - I'm guessing it will feature her stunning Michael Jackson tribute "Home" - then I hope "No More Drama" makes the cut. I've been playing this stunning gem a lot lately. Not only is the YouTube clip a work of genius but Toy was rocking the urban dance sound 8 years before Rihanna. It even includes the legendary lyric "like Jan said I'm in control". A pioneer, I tell you!

Via Toy Experience.

Stop Press: La Toya Reunites With Bubbles!

Toy Toy's new status as the people's princess has been underlined by her latest act of selfless philanthropy. Just days after fanning the flames of Michael Jackson's memory by serenading Russia with a glorious live rendition of "Earth Song", the tireless humanitarian has captured the hearts and minds of millions around the globe by emotionally reuniting with her dead brother's chimpanzee. In a lucky coincidence, cameras were rolling to capture the moment and the footage is breathtaking. La Toya is the first member of the Jackson clan to visit Bubbles at the Florida ape sanctuary (cruel Janet is clearly too busy releasing flop albums to care) and she is genuinely overwhelmed by the occasion. I love it when Toy lovingly hoses the chimp down and tries to get his attention by loudly calling out her name. But the defining exchange begins at about 3:20 mins when Michael's favourite sister bursts into tears and asks Bubbles if he remembers her. It's simultaneously heartbreaking and hilarious. Some people question La Toya's intentions even though she's made it clear that her only mission in life is to free the world but I think she's completely dedicated to maintaining Michael's memory - even if it means postponing her sure to be #1 platinum smash hit album for another 9 years. Warning: This video is a real tearjerker. It actually made me cry!

La Toya's Stunning Triumph!

I've received a lot of hurtful emails this week accusing me of rudely ignoring the most significant musical moment of 2010. Rest assured, Toy Soldiers. La Toya's stunning triumph in Moscow did not go unnoticed. I was simply too overwhelmed by the magnitude of the occasion to write anything sensible. Our goddess finally had her moment in the sun and proved once and for all that she is the most beautiful and talented Jackson. In case you've been hiding under a rock or are just a sad, delusional Janatic - Toy Toy rocked the Muz-TV Awards show in Russia with an incredible rendition of Michael Jackson's "Earth Song". She was assisted by a couple of my favourite Eastern European pop stars (Dima Bilan, Sergey Lazarov etc) but there's no denying who the star of the show was. La Toya's otherworldly glamour and pitch perfect vocals had the crowd entranced from the second she took the stage wearing some of Michael's old pyjamas. There have been some libellous accusations that Toy Toy mimed but I won't even dignify that filth with a response. The Duchess of Dance spent most of the 90s touring the former Soviet block and a host of bankrupt African nations. She has nothing to prove! Anyway, sit back - grab some lube and a tissue - and prepare yourself for possibly the best performance of all time. The haters have been put in check!