Janet Jackson - Up Close & Personal In Sydney

Contrary to popular belief, I like Janet. A lot. Of course, my loyalties lie with the thinking man's Jackson (ie. La Toya) but for most of the '90s her less attractive sister ranked as one of my favourite divas - right alongside Kylie, Whitney and Mariah. That admiration began to fade with the release of "All For You" and was pretty much gone by 2004's horrendous "Damita Jo" but time has not wearied the brilliance of albums like "Rhythm Nation 1814" and "Janet". The reason why I'm mentioning this is to communicate the fact that I'm not a rabid hater who went along to a very expensive concert just to trash it. I was looking forward to seeing Jan strut her stuff and enjoyed the show immensely. But there's no denying it was a sub-standard affair that painfully demonstrated just how awkwardly the '90s hitmaker fits into a Lady Gaga run world.

Let me explain. I felt much the same about seeing Whitney Houston in concert last year. While Nippy was a hot mess for very different reasons, they both struck me as legendary relics struggling to find their place in the new world order. That's not to say their fans didn't lap up each and every second or that newcomers can't appreciate their contribution to popular culture but, to be blunt, they just don't cut it anymore. I've seen better shows at RSL clubs than the spectacle (or lack thereof) that Janet put on last night. Before the Janatics bring out their voodoo dolls, I know the show is intended to be "up close and personal" - AKA "cheap and scaled back". And that would have been fine for a powerhouse vocalist but seeing a once legendary entertainer out of shape, failing to pull off simple dance moves and wearing the one outfit for the entire show was just depressing. By the end of the night she even had a triangular patch of vagina sweat on her jeans. Not pretty!

Even if you dismiss Number Ones as a lame, half-arsed tour she brought to Australia to pass the time until launching an all-conquering comeback, I still don't know how she'll fare. Lady Gaga and Beyoncé have upped the live ante by singing (well) and dancing like banshees. Rihanna and Katy Perry hide their vocal shortcomings with pyrotechnics and pomp. But miming along to a backing track, while dancing badly just won't cut it anymore unless you're Britney Spears. Janet is the Commodore 64 of pop but like that outdated and now obsolete computer, she is not without charm and managed to deliver a fun and entertaining show - largely on the strength of her killer back catalogue and general sweetness.

After playing "Runaway" on a big screen as a tribute to Sydney, Janet was greeted by a standing ovation from frenzied fans. She looked a bit dowdy in ill-fitting jeans and a white jacket but her face hasn't changed a bit since her hey day and she did a good job performing "The Pleasure Principle" - even though a large portion of the crowd obviously didn't know the words. The stage was completely bare apart from the band and dancers, which looked odd in a venue like the Opera House. I was hoping for some props or even a smoke machine to make it seem less bleak. They never came. But when you're hearing a childhood hero belt out "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" you soon forget about staging. I was almost as happy to hear "Feedback" live. It was sloppy and the first indication that the choreography wasn't quite up to scratch but I'm glad she didn't ignore "Discipline", which I actually think is quite an underrated album. The hits followed with anthems like "Miss You Much" and "Nasty", before Jan made a hasty exit.

During the first mini-break, the diva treated us to highlights from her acting career including a disturbing clip of her being abused on Good Times and the infamous punanie scene from Poetic Justice. It was odd and quite disconcerting. She returned to the stage, in the same sweat-stained clothes and knocked out a bunch of ballads including the still gorgeous "Again". She might have even sang a few notes over the backing tape on that one. Another break followed, accompanied by the tackiest screen projection I have ever seen at a concert. I'm convinced Janet made it herself using Windows Movie Maker. She returned after what felt like an eternity to sing "Escapade" - one of my all-time faves - followed by what is probably my favourite Miss Jackson tune, "Love Will Never Do (Without You)". It was a potent reminder of how impeccable her early material was. Less impressive was her lazy rendition of "When I Think Of You" but "Runaway" got a great reception as did "That's The Way Love Goes" - Janet's only Australian number one hit.

Seeing the diva perform "If" was a highlight for me (love it) but her version of "Scream" got a better reception from the audience. It was eerie seeing Michael on the big screen and Jan seemed to put in more effort for her murdered brother. La Toya would have been proud! She closed the show with "Rhythm Nation" but returned shortly thereafter to mime another of my favourites, "Together Again", while the screen showed old photos of Michael and Janet. The still amazing "All For You" then ended the pop icon's first Sydney show in almost 13 years. I'm sure Jan would have scoffed if you told her in 1998 that her next Australian tour would have involved one costume and a handful of tiny venues but I really enjoyed myself and her fans seemed happy. And while I left with the impression that she can't quite cut it anymore, I'm hoping she'll prove me wrong. Excuse me now while I go and listen to "Janet" for the third time today.

La Toya Claims The Jackson Throne

The weight of the Jackson legacy now rests squarely on La Toya's slender shoulders. While Janet continues to visit third world nations in search of fans old enough to remember her last hit, Joseph's favourite daughter proudly represented the clan at Sunday night's Michael Jackson tribute concert in Wales - bringing some much-needed credibility to an event otherwise lumped with has-beens like Craig David and Alexandra Burke. I knew the 55-year-old triple threat would step up to the plate and show the world that talent and beauty can co-exist but nothing could have prepared me for what transpired.

After a lifetime of living in the shadows of her slightly more successful brother and sister, La Toya finally stepped into the light and proved that it shoulda been her. The Dutch hitmaker's covers of "In The Closet" and "Jam" were so powerful and moving that no official footage has leaked. Obviously they are keeping all the good stuff for the DVD but a couple of devoted fans managed to film a couple of minutes of Toy's triumphant moment. Watch in awe as the new face of the Jackson dynasty radically improves two of her much-loved brother's worst songs with a little help from fellow R&B legend Heavy D. At this point, I think it's fair to say that Janet could never.

In The Closet

Jam

La Toya's New Girlband!

Mentoring upcoming performers is the hottest trend in pop music. It's easy to forget that Lady Gaga first came to fame as Akon's protege, while Justin Bieber benefited greatly from Usher's tutelage. If Mother Monster and Biebus can thrive after being linked with those hacks, imagine how far T-Rio will go under La Toya Jackson's wing. Yes, pop fans - Toy Toy is now a true music mogul! From what I can tell Thayana, Thaisa and Thaina are a mildly successful Brazilian girlband comprised of three stunning sisters. According to their bio, they are massive in Asia but they only seem to have had one hit (below). Since then they moved to America and hooked up with Taj Jackson. He appears to have introduced the lovely ladies to his superstar aunt and now the band is somehow involved with Ja-Tail. They have a zombie series in the works and an animated show but given the company's track record, I highly doubt either will see the light of day. Nevertheless, being associated with a recording legend like La Toya can only open doors. I predict a #17 club smash somewhere down the track - complete with a cameo from Toy in the video. You know, to help sales.

La Toya reclaims Queen of Pop throne

In news that will make Toy Soldiers weep tears of joy and relief, the pretty and talented Jackson sister has released new music for the first time in over a decade. It doesn't matter that the 6 of the 7 songs on La Toya's stunning autobiography soundtrack EP were recorded in 2002 and leaked in 2006. That's just how Toy rolls! "Starting Over" is the easily the best Jackson album since "Thriller" but the tracklist is a bit perplexing.

What the hell is "Mafia Style" doing on there instead of her iconic smash (in waiting) "Player"? I'm also gutted that Toy Toy's exquisite calypso anthem "Tropical Breeze" missed the cut but at least "No More Drama" and "Just Wanna Dance" - which, in true Toy style, has been mislabelled "Jut Wanna Dance" - were included! The highlight, however, has to be the legendary beauty's new song.

"Starting Over" raises pop music to glorious new heights that derivative flops like Janet could only dream of. While the rest of the music industry is busy recycling the 80s, La Toya revisits the mid-noughties with intentionally dated beats (lifted straight from her Star Ice jingle) and delivers exquisite lyrics like "say what you wanna say, just live your life straight or gay!" Lady Gaga could never.

Here is the full tracklist:

Mafia Style (Skit)
Should've Left You
No More Drama
Don't Want You No More
Free The World
Just Wanna Dance
Starting Over

"Starting Over (Songs Inspired By The Book)" is available to download now from Australian iTunes. Make sure to write a positive review when you buy it. I've already thrown in my 2 cents! To get an idea of the aural treat that awaits you, here's "Free The World" - La Toya's heartbreaking response to September 11. La Toya's Grammy nominated songwriting genius is on full display in this modern classic and her vocal makes Adele sound like Ashanti. Goodbye pretenders. The Queen is back!

A taste of La Toya

The first taste of La Toya's pioneering autobiography soundtrack EP is finally here! "Starting Over" sounds like it was recorded in 2003 - and it probably was - but that doesn't stop the future #1 smash (on the bubbling under of the Billboard dance radio airplay chart) from being one of the year's finest singles. I love the perky beat and Toy Toy's Grammy winning lyrical genius is on full display:

All on my own and I'm finally startin' over,
Tonight let's celebrate until I say this party's over

Janet who? And then there's the stunning breakdown that gives me shivers and an erection. You will well and truly feel her funk when the pope of pop unleashes the full power of her one octave range vocals and sassily sings:

I don't need no cure, there ain't no lookin' back
I don't need no cure, no I don't have regrets

Bring on the rest of the EP! I think we can safely say that La Toya has album and single of the year already in the bag. Listen to a preview of her next first hit below.

La Toya's pioneering new album!

La Toya Jackson has always been a marketing genius. Not that it has ever actually resulted in any success but that's beside the point. This is a woman who released an album called "Bad Girl" while her brother was still promoting "Bad". A diva who posed nude on the cover of "Stop! In The Name Of Love" to remind people that she was once in Playboy. An entrepreneur who opened a psychic hotline despite possessing no psychic ability. Yes, Toy Soldiers - our glorious leader has always been at the forefront of publicity whoring and that trend continues with her decade-in-the-making "Starting Over" album. Instead of merely releasing her sure-to-be Grammy nominated opus on its own, Toy Toy is plugging it as the soundtrack to her latest autobiography. Also titled "Starting Over".

The book, which is now available to pre-order from Amazon, sounds like a truly toytastic read. According to the blurb:

"La Toya Jackson was always closer to Michael than anyone knew. In this heartfelt memoir, she pays tribute to his tortured soul — revealing the intimate moments she shared with the deeply troubled pop legend. The first sibling to arrive at the hospital after Michael was rushed there, and the informant on his death certificate, La Toya noticed suspicious details and demanded a second autopsy. For the first time, she unveils shocking behind-the-scenes dealings that she believes led to her brother's death."

No doubt Toy will add a Pulitzer Prize to her already impressive CV before the end of the year! The soundtrack, which is set for release on June 21, is apparently an EP of older tracks. Never fear, Janet's prettier sister is just being resourceful. Apparently the ageless beauty has a second album of new material on the way with a single scheduled for July. The excitement is almost more than I can handle! If her haunting soundtrack album does contain older material - I'm guessing it will feature her stunning Michael Jackson tribute "Home" - then I hope "No More Drama" makes the cut. I've been playing this stunning gem a lot lately. Not only is the YouTube clip a work of genius but Toy was rocking the urban dance sound 8 years before Rihanna. It even includes the legendary lyric "like Jan said I'm in control". A pioneer, I tell you!

Via Toy Experience.

La Toya is finally startin' over - No, really.

I still remember the first time I heard La Toya's "Just Wanna Dance". It was late 2003. Kylie's "Slow" was number one and I was pretty much just listening to that track on repeat. Out of the blue I received an email saying Toy Toy was embarking on her 217th comeback and I spent the next few days hunting it down. When I finally found an mp3, I was almost too scared to play it. After the final nail in her career coffin otherwise known as "Stop In The Name Of Love", I was prepared for just about anything BUT the best pop song of the year. "Just Wanna Dance" - with its iconic gender-bending lyrics and catchy vocal hooks - became an internet sensation and when the song climbed all the way to number 13 (on the US club chart), it looked like La Toya was on the brink of scoring her very first hit. A mere 24 years after releasing her debut single!

Unfortunately, the legendarily inept Ja-Tail Records never got around to filming a video or releasing it or its equally amazing parent album "Startin' Over". To be honest, I thought the version that leaked in 2005 would be the closest we'll ever get to hearing it but Janet's prettier sister has promised the New York Post that it will hit iTunes by the end of 2011! As pigs flew over Ja-Tail HQ and hell froze over, La Toya revealed: "You are going to hear new music from me – because the fans keep asking for it. I'm doing an album called Startin' Over that I've been starting over forever! I'm going to put that out before the year is over and then I'm done with music."

Before you start weeping over the last sentence. I'd take it with a grain of salt. Toy Toy has music in her blood and I have a sneaking suspicion she'll still be showing hacks like Madonna how it's done for decades to come. It's also good to hear that the tracklist has changed and she's scrapped the urban vibe of the original "Startin' Over". Toy told her soldiers: "It's strictly dance – all about fun, the lyrics are very personal to me. Love Honor and Obey is about being homophobic in the world today. I don't get it why anyone discriminates. It's so the wrong way to live. It's what I feel inside – what I think. Everyone will love it."

This is too much. The Pope of Pop is about to release her first album in 16 years and plans to free the world from homophobia, one nightclub at a time! Read the amazing article here and re-live the worldwide smash that never quite happened (below). Toy Toy is officially back.

La Toya Conquers Spain!

While her has-been sister desperately plans a one country world tour to kickstart her flop career, the pride of the Jackson clan has been rubbing shoulders with European royalty. It must be cold there in Toy Toy's shadow, Jan! Contemporary music's finest vocalist jetted into Seville to judge a horse show and almost caused a riot with her breathtaking beauty. Spain hasn't been rocked this hard since the last time Tony Tornado got drunk and walked the streets of Chueca singing "Los Amores"! I have no idea how La Toya snagged this gig. Wearing a horse hair weave doesn't make you an equine authority but I digress. Toy's status as an international A Lister is confirmed by her attendance and the footage of her arriving at the event in full flamenco dress (below) is the most fabulous thing I've seen in 2010. La Toya looks absolutely stunning but I can't stop laughing at her elaborate poses. Someone should have thrown her some castanets to complete the look or at least taken the jug of Sangria off her until after the event! Seriously, if I wasn't sure that Spain is my spiritual homeland before this debacle - I am now 100% convinced. Watch in awe as La Toya redefines beauty, elegance and sophistication as we know it!

Toy Update - Due To Popular Demand

I love you guys. When you're not rubbishing my love for faceless dance music or hating on my faves, you're spamming my inbox with breathless demands for more Toy Toy. Your wish is my command. I've actually been toying around (pun intended) with the idea of doing a "No Relations" retrospective for months now but I thought I'd tide you over with a quick update on the legendary icon's latest antics. Basically, the high priestess of pop has been giving a master class in publicity whoring. Her first appearance at a shopping mall almost caused a riot. Thousands of Cali Swag fans Toy Soldiers turned out to see our goddess hawk milkshakes with hip hop band Cali Swag District. They apparently have a hit song at the moment (who knew) called "Teach Me How To Dougie" and they kindly taught Toy Toy the dance moves in return for some career advice. No, seriously. The proof is below! After single-handedly plotting Cali Swag's journey to the top of the charts, La Toya hit up a fashion show at Macy's and wowed the paparazzi with her timeless poise and beauty. This is my favourite snap. Poor Brandy. She looks like a withered, old crack whore in comparison to the glorious siren next to her. As her duet partner Monica once sang - don't take it personal. It's just one of dem days!

La Toya's Spanish Triumph!

It's been 15 long years since Toy Toy's last studio album flopped worse than "Bionic" but her reputation as the greatest performer in the history of music grows stronger by the day. Take the latest irrefutable piece of evidence to surface on YouTube. A kindred spirit has just uploaded one of the most fabulous clips I have ever seen (below). Rumours of La Toya's eccentric early 90s TV performances run rife among fans - if anyone has the footage of our Queen covering Patsy Cline's "Crazy" on horseback in Mexico, please email me! - but very few of them ever see the light of day. Count your blessings then that this bravura display is now available for your viewing ecstasy. Filmed for Spanish TV in late 1991 (judging from her nose and the fact she's promoting "No Relations"), Toy rocks España to its very foundations with a stunning medley of hits. She begins with her seminal classic "Playboy" before raising the bar even higher with her #23 Dutch smash "Sexbox". I don't even know where to start. It's one of those things that you really have to see with your own eyes. like the Mona Lisa. But here are some highlights to keep an eye out for:

1. La Toya's breathtaking outfit. I love how she pays tribute to Spain's rich cultural heritage by dressing in a gold lamé matador's jacket. Red roses and a matching cummerbund complete her ravishing ensemble.

2. The hilarious Spanish dancers - who range in size from vertically challenged to positively gigantic. Toy Toy probably found them in a Chueca sauna and took pity. I'm naming them Jordi, Pablo, Fernando and Tony.

3. Toy's fabulously incompetent miming. Keep watching to the very end when the top of her microphone falls off. LOL!

4. Some of the most amazing choreography ever captured on film. The high priestess of pop's incredible ability to recycle Michael's dance moves is genuinely impressive, while the hilarious routine at 4:10 minutes clearly inspired Katie Melua's "The Flood" video. What a thieving skank!

5. The crowd. These classy Spaniards can't get enough of La Toya. They clap, cheer, dance along, give her a standing ovation and beg for more. Spanish TV audiences clearly have impeccable taste!

Brace yourself for 9 minutes of pure, unadulterated bliss. Janet could never!

Stop Press: La Toya Reunites With Bubbles!

Toy Toy's new status as the people's princess has been underlined by her latest act of selfless philanthropy. Just days after fanning the flames of Michael Jackson's memory by serenading Russia with a glorious live rendition of "Earth Song", the tireless humanitarian has captured the hearts and minds of millions around the globe by emotionally reuniting with her dead brother's chimpanzee. In a lucky coincidence, cameras were rolling to capture the moment and the footage is breathtaking. La Toya is the first member of the Jackson clan to visit Bubbles at the Florida ape sanctuary (cruel Janet is clearly too busy releasing flop albums to care) and she is genuinely overwhelmed by the occasion. I love it when Toy lovingly hoses the chimp down and tries to get his attention by loudly calling out her name. But the defining exchange begins at about 3:20 mins when Michael's favourite sister bursts into tears and asks Bubbles if he remembers her. It's simultaneously heartbreaking and hilarious. Some people question La Toya's intentions even though she's made it clear that her only mission in life is to free the world but I think she's completely dedicated to maintaining Michael's memory - even if it means postponing her sure to be #1 platinum smash hit album for another 9 years. Warning: This video is a real tearjerker. It actually made me cry!

La Toya's Stunning Triumph!

I've received a lot of hurtful emails this week accusing me of rudely ignoring the most significant musical moment of 2010. Rest assured, Toy Soldiers. La Toya's stunning triumph in Moscow did not go unnoticed. I was simply too overwhelmed by the magnitude of the occasion to write anything sensible. Our goddess finally had her moment in the sun and proved once and for all that she is the most beautiful and talented Jackson. In case you've been hiding under a rock or are just a sad, delusional Janatic - Toy Toy rocked the Muz-TV Awards show in Russia with an incredible rendition of Michael Jackson's "Earth Song". She was assisted by a couple of my favourite Eastern European pop stars (Dima Bilan, Sergey Lazarov etc) but there's no denying who the star of the show was. La Toya's otherworldly glamour and pitch perfect vocals had the crowd entranced from the second she took the stage wearing some of Michael's old pyjamas. There have been some libellous accusations that Toy Toy mimed but I won't even dignify that filth with a response. The Duchess of Dance spent most of the 90s touring the former Soviet block and a host of bankrupt African nations. She has nothing to prove! Anyway, sit back - grab some lube and a tissue - and prepare yourself for possibly the best performance of all time. The haters have been put in check!

Toy Toy's Latest Triumph

Toy Toy has put the rest of the music world to shame. Yet again. While tragic nobodies like Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears hawk their cheap perfumes and tatty wares to the masses, the thinking man's Jackson has just signed on as the face of the world's most expensive hand cream. Take that, haters! As far as I'm concerned this is a match made in heaven. Clearly the first thing that pops into your mind when you think of eternal youth and beauty is La Toya. She hasn't aged a day since Reagan was in office - thanks to a strict diet and no exercise according to her latest interview. Yes, adoring fans, Toy has given away some of her highly prized beauty secrets in a bid to promote Alessandro's Dream Cream (bottom)!

This video has me completely hypnotised. I can't remember the last time I've seen so much glamour captured on film. La Toya looks as ravishing as ever but she's almost shown up by the German stunner sitting next to her. As endlessly fascinated as I was to learn our Queen's hangover cure, the most exciting thing about the interview is confirmation that the Duchess of Dance will release a new album THIS YEAR! Admittedly, she's been saying that since 2002 but her manager correctly points out that 2010 marks the 30th anniversary of her debut and there are rumours that Teddy Riley has just been hired as the head of music development at Toy Toy's incredibly useless record label. Given his recent collaboration with Lady Gaga (Teddy produced "Teeth") this would be quite a coup for Ja-Tail. I'm extremely sceptical but stranger things have happened. Like La Toya being hired as the face of a luxury cosmetics company!