Pop Panel 2010 - Week 1

Due to overwhelming popular demand (well, three strongly worded emails from Tommie), Pop Panel is back for another year! I didn't realise how much I missed it until I started putting together this post, so I hope it's as much fun to read as it is to write. The concept remains the same. Basically, a group of bloggers rate a bunch of songs out of five to determine a "Single Of The Week". This week's selection gives you a pretty good idea of what to expect. There are a couple of hits, some less commercial tunes and a smattering of low brow pop trash. As usual, my favourite didn't win - LuAnn was robbed! - but I'm still very happy with the outcome. Many thanks to the following bloggers for helping me determine the first Pop Panel champion of 2010:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
EQ (UK) writer of Electroqueer
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
MuuMuse (US) writer of MuuMuse
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
The Prophet (Aus) writer of The Prophet

As usual, the results are ranked from lowest to highest. Here goes!

Sergio Cuho – Cara A Cara (Video)

This is what happens when you give a Spaniard $10 to make a video clip.

D'Luv: Hey, Sergio — I've got ten bucks and three free hours. Bring the knee pads but leave the microphone. Negative four points for the singing, but one point for his mouth. 1/5
EQ: I know a lot of Spanish and Italian teenagers who would listen to this track on a Saturday night bender, but for me it just sounds like a bunch of racket. You want a REAL Spanish pop star - check out Monti Montanez. 1.5/5
Mike: Is this Malena Gracia before the operation? Like that stunning Spanish icon, Sergio has the voice of an angel and the fashion sense of a blind prostitute. I think I'm in love. 4/5
MuuMuse: What the - wait, isn't this a Cascada song? "Everytime We Touch"? "Miracle"? All of them? I'm confused here. And what exactly am I watching? This is like Fast and the Furious meets Jersey Shore with a few more graphic tees added for good measure. 2/5
Paul: Blimey, how many t-shirts does he need to wear in the video? I bet they reeked of sweat and poppers afterwards. It's typical eurotrash pop, quite endearing really in a trying-quite-hard sort of way. I do appreciate a kicking trancey chorus. By god though, Sergio looks riddled. When he goes back to his day job of a waiter, you wouldn't want him gobbing on your meat... 3/5
Prophet: I love tragic trash pop... unless it's Euro Hi NRG which is my most hated genre of music. I hate it more than that Ace of Base song though, which at least makes it somewhat interesting. 2/5
Total: 13.5/30

Stan Walker – Unbroken (Video)

Australia’s latest "Idol" gets a little help from Ryan Tedder on his 2nd single.

D'Luv: So, Stan Walker - basically it's Adam Lambert with an overbite and a tan. He's an OK singer, but the song's pretty hollow and forgettable, no? 2/5
EQ: I enjoyed this one. Is that his real name though? I immediately thought of Karen Walker from Will & Grace?! The "yeaahhhhh" at 2:22 kinda annoyed me but pats on the back for making a statement about peace in a troubled world. I would have to hear more, but that one wasn't half bad... neck tattoos kinda annoy me though. 3/5
Mike: I thought "Black Box" was the best winner's song in the history of Australian Idol but this is utter shit. Made worse by the year's tackiest video. And someone please explain why they replaced Stan's hair with a piece of Lego. 1/5
MuuMuse: Fucking Ryan Tedder. Are you serious? Are you actually still peddling the same song to EVERYONE? I just want to be happy and you're already gone. I can see your halo, but it's too late to apologize. (Then again, at least you're peddling a semi-decent melody every time.) 2.5/5
Paul: His "Black Box" or whatever it was called song was a pop triumph. This is just the latest Ryan Tedder/One Republic B-side. I'm quite disappointed really. Stan's neck tattoo terrifies me by the way. 2/5
Prophet: I thought I'd hate this since it's a Ryan Tedder produced urban ballad that was rejected by Leona Lewis for her tragic sophomore album, but ever since it leaked I've had it on high rotation. It's not as good as Kelly Clarkson's stunning "Already Gone", but I like it as much as Tedder's other stuff like "Halo" and "Battlefield". 4.5/5
Total: 15/30

Jenny Berggren – Here I Am (Video)

Ex-Ace Of Base frontwoman releases debut single.

D'Luv: Thank Christ this broad ditched her album of Jesus jams for straightforward pop. Because "Here I Am" deserves at least three plays in my car (I'll be totally sick of it after that, no doubt.) Brava! 4/5
EQ: Hmmmmm - dunno. There is so much noddage to the classic sound of Ace Of Base lately that I think Jenny might be missing something here. It doesn't quite feel right for her to be doing electro-pop right now in this moment. This track isn't bad though, it's kinda middle of the road I guess, but for me, just not inventive enough. 2.5/5
Mike: Oh joy - more cookie cutter Swedish pop with no punch or personality. 1.5/5
MuuMuse: It's no "Don't Turn Around," is it? I get that she's "here" now on her own and all, but would she consider going back? That would be nice. 3/5
Paul: She saw the sign. The dollar sign and she figured it was worth more as a solo artist rather splitting it multiple ways. She's back with a bit of an empowerment anthem. It's not brilliant but it's not dire either so perhaps it will grow on me. I do adore Ace of Base so I'll take a spin off series of them anyday. 3/5
Prophet: When I saw that Jenny was from Ace of Base I immediately got really excited, only to be let down when I actually bothered to listen to the song. It isn't interesting enough to love or hate, it's just a big nothing. 1.5/5
Total: 15.5/30

Ciara ft. Ludacris – Ride (Below)

Ciara gets her slut on.

D'Luv: Ciara needs to take a ride straight off a cliff. I'm giving this a half point only because she bounces up and down in the video like a sex-deprived Mexican jumping bean. 0.5/5
EQ: SNOOOOZE - I had to turn this off after one minute. 1/5
Mike: I'm glad Ciara has stopped jackin' Beyoncé's swagger and returned to her slutastic urban roots. "Ride" is five minutes of pure filth that will inspire prostitutes and pole dancers for generations to come. 4/5
MuuMuse: Even if she's been recycling the same sound for three albums now, it still (mostly) works. As far as songs explicitly about "riding it" though, Geri Halliwell still sits firmly on top. 3.5/5
Paul: Can't people just record songs on their own anymore? What is the need to have a featuring in every bloody tune? Alexandra Burke is second only to Ciara in these stakes and it's getting right on my wick. If it made the song any better, it would be right worth while, but honestly it doesn't. It's still a bit cack. 2/5
Prophet: One of my favorite songs right now! Super Ci brought back 90's R&B but gave it a fierce modern makeover. Ciara is doing real urban music again instead of the watered down trash that Rih-cycle and BeYawnce release. It's like Ginuwines "Pony" for 2010. I love this song so much! 5/5
Total: 15.5/30

Countess LuAnn – Money Can’t Buy You Class (Video)

Move over, Kim Zolciak. LuAnn is the new "Real Housewives" singing superstar!

D'Luv: I'm glad this old cougar decided to shell out $23 to pay for a high-quality dance jam that sounds straight out of 1990. Paris is burning, bitchface! I'm subtracting two points for Auto Tune, because any thin-voiced diva worth her salt would have just braved it without the studio trickery back in the happy house days. But then I'm adding two points back because LuAnne de Lesseps is a complete gold-plated whore. Money really can't buy you class. Case in point: The Countess. 5/5
EQ: I dunno, this sounds just a little too dated for my tastes. If it had been a straight up disco stomper with violins and a real sorrow about it - it might just grab me. RuPaul has already been there and done this - snap! 2/5
Mike: This is more than a high camp pop trash explosion, it's a mantra to live by! I'm completely captivated by Countess LuAnn's pearls of wisdom. "Your company should feel when a conversation's real even when the topic feels like science class". Amen. 5/5
MuuMuse: I've been playing this one for weeks, first ironically - and then entirely apologetically. Money can't buy you class, but I'll be damned if it can't buy you two hours of studio time with Autotune and a half-decent songwriter. A drag queen's goldmine! 4/5
Paul: Sweet jesus christ. What is with the craze for divorced women to release singles these days? There's that bird from Pineapple Dance Studios, Madonna and now this cacophonous racket. No wonder her husband turned out to be such a philandering count. 1/5
Prophet: The lyrics... The 'vocals'... The 90's production... Kim Zolciak who? 3.5/5
Total: 20.5/30

Elouise – Pretender (Audio)

A recent Pop Justice song of the day for the English songbird.

D'Luv: This could grow on me, if I'm ever in the mood to have a bit of a drama. 3/5
EQ: I think I'm the only gay blogger who doesn't get Elouise. I've seen her perform twice and although the songwriting and production are strong, she misses out on capturing the interest of a lot of younger gay men who don't quite understand or appreciate the "Dreamgirls" aspect to her. As Simon Cowell would say, "it's a little too cabaret for me". I know I'm SUPPOSED to love her because she works with Kylie and Dannii's peeps and all, but I just don't see the appeal here and "Pretender" isn't a song I would ever want to listen to on my own accord. I will say this though - bitch has some fierce gowns and knows how to rock them. I can see why people like Elouise - she's really good at what she does... 2/5
Mike: How do you solve a problem like Elouise? She has class, taste and real vocal talent. Three characteristics that seem mutually exclusive with chart success in 2010. I hope she carves out her own niche because this is completely fucking gorgeous. 4.5/5
MuuMuse: She has a nice voice, but this song is all a bit 'much' for me (read: soggy and over-dramatic). It sort of sounds like a 1995 Dannii Minogue ballad. Actually, it sounds exactly like that. 2/5
Paul: There is something about Elouise and this song that is so classic and timeless; she really transcends genres and trends to deliver a corking vocal performance filled with passion, emotion and power. It's a glorious tune, brilliantly produced and has got to be the start of something massive and magnificent in terms of Elouise's ongoing career. 5/5
Prophet: She has a great voice! The song sounds a little cheap and melodramatic, but it's good. 4/5
Total: 20.5/5

Music Go Music – Light Of Love (Video)

These Canadians are the closest you’ll get to ABBA without a time machine.

D'Luv: So glad the A*Teens are back! 3/5
EQ: Awww, who doesn't love a cute kitty calendar?! But alas, even the blatant attempt to be ABBA still doesn't get me excited at all. That ship has sailed for me I'm afraid, but the video was somewhat entertaining, wouldn't watch it again though. 2/5
Mike: "There was a time my love, my heart had grown cold, my arms were reaching out for someone to hold" - sigh. 5/5
MuuMuse: Yes, yes...very trendy, the retro sounds. Very nice. It's all about the circus-gone-freakshow-inspired video, though. 3.5/5
Paul: Absolutely adore this. It's about as close to a new Abba record as you are probably going to get. It's so bloody uplifting and the chorus is just pure musical popcorn. Play it again and again and again for you will never tire of this delightful ditty. 5/5
Prophet: I don't know who Music Go Music are but I love both the song and music video for "Light of Love". It actually reminds me of ABBA, who I hate, but for some reason I love this. I think it's the part where she threw the drink in the Asian girls face that had me sold. 4/5
Total: 22.5/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Sia – Clap Your Hands (Below)

Australia’s second most famous sometime lesbian (after Portia Di Rossi) releases the 2nd single from “We Are Born”.

D'Luv: I like this. Not bowled over by it, but "Clap Your Hands" is fun pop. Anyone else think those guitar riffs in the second verse sound like Sheryl Crow's "My Favorite Mistake"? 3/5
EQ: Sia can do no wrong in my book - seriously if she sang the phonebook I'd probably still buy her albums. I'm SO looking forward to seeing her live at the Roundhouse in London in May - a big event in my little world and the new album is totally out of this world. "Clap Your Hands" is probably her best single for me after "Breathe Me" and kudos to her that she managed to get out of the Zero 7 rut cuz this is the type of music she really wanted to make - it fits her HUGE personality better. 5/5
Mike: I worship the ground Sia walks on but "Clap Your Hands" strikes me as a slightly inferior sequel to "You've Changed". Not that it matters when the end product is this much fun. 4/5
MuuMuse: Loving Sia right now. Honestly, I have to throw my support behind any song that encourages any sort of dance or hand gesture. Also, that disco bass line? Oh my God. 4.5/5
Paul: It's quite nice isn't it? I have to remind myself that I am not judging the video and merely the song. The video is excellent - the song is not quite as good, but a rather joyous romp anyway and certainly a nice way to brighten up a dull afternoon at work. 3.5/5
Prophet: Amazing. Even if the song was garbage (which it most definitely isn't) I'd rate this highly just for the dancing tinsel woman in the video. 4/5
Total: 24/30