A Song For Anyone With Broken Gaydar

Simone Battle was recently booted off US X Factor and dropped her debut single the very next day. That's all I know about her. But I'm hungry to learn more after hearing her unique lover-turned-fag hag anthem "He Likes Boys". Poor Simone sings about her frustrating relationship, delivering comedy gold with lines like "guess it is kind of odd that he's such a big fan of Lady Gaga" and "my gaydar needs some inspection". She's not alone if all the bi-curious married men polluting Oxford Street are any indication.

The budding diva finally comes to grips with the situation, declaring "it's a love story with a twist - I found myself a new gay best friend!" Yes, the track is all kinds of stupid. Albeit no worse than Katy Perry's "Ur So Gay". The only difference is that "He Likes Boys" is sweet-natured and cute, which makes the hate difficult to comprehend. A lot of gay commentators are ridiculing the song for perpetuating stereotypes but I say get a life. I'd take Simone's inane ramblings over Lady Gaga's pompous "Born This Way" any day of the week. This goes out to anyone who has ever got the wrong end of the stick. So to speak.

September Vs Agnes

I have to admit that I don't pay as much attention to the Swedish pop scene as I used to when titans like Olinda and Bionda ruled the scene. Unfortunately, those glory days are long gone and now we're stuck with a bunch of nobodies that have probably never fashioned a dildo from clay on national TV or started their own political party to promote a flop single. Shame. On the bright side, two of the more palatable Swedish divas are back with new tunes.

It took me a while to warm to Agnes but I eventually overcame her complete lack of personality to stan for songs like "Release Me" and "I Need You Now". Her new single dropped recently and it's slightly underwhelming in comparison to those gems. "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" follows the Agnes formula of pairing a powerhouse vocal with thundering dance beats but something is missing. I asked her Australian record label if they plan to release the song over here and they said "maybe". Neon is probably waiting to see if it works in the UK. Can I suggest a slight remix to tone down the Eurotrash factor? That usually works for September.

Speaking of my sultry Swedish lover, "Me And My Microphone" will soon be unleashed upon the British public if the new remixes that appeared in my inbox are any indication. I still love the song - it feels like it's been out for years - and hope it's a hit. The cute video should help. For the first time in her career, Petra looks like she was born after 1970. I love the dance routine and her beaming face makes me happy. "Love CPR" is a great album and deserves a second chance. A UK hit could be just what the doctor ordered. Pun intended! Anyway, compare the videos and let me know who is your favourite Swedish export.

VS

Jeza And The Belles - Episode One

My attention rarely strays from music but I'm so obsessed with a new web-series that I had to spread the word. Jeza And The Belles is the show we've all been waiting for - a glorious action-comedy extravaganza about drag queens with superpowers. Jeza is the undoubted star with her Dolly Parton wig and gigantic jugs but Sue-She gets all the good lines and Badora (AKA Kelly Rowland's long-lost twin sister) provides the eye candy. I don't want to spoil it by going into more detail but brace yourself for the best show (not) on TV!

PS. How amazing is the theme song?

Mary J - Nice Song, Shame About The Video

I think I'm the only person that actually likes Mary J. Blige's new single. Feedback for "25/8" has been vicious but once you get past the cringeworthy title, it's a really good song. Not quite "Be Without You" or "I Am" but still a massive improvement on other "My Life II" cuts like "Someone To Love Me (Naked)" and "Mr Wrong". The R&B icon delivers vocally and the old school production is pitch perfect. So why did her label spend no money on the clip? Honestly, this makes "Love On Top" look like Avatar. Mary J. basically stands around in a series of unflattering outfits against what looks like a screensaver I had in the 90s. And then there's the saddest dance interlude of 2011. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when the soulful diva started waving her hands around aimlessly, surrounded by a bunch of broke-down male dancers. The whole thing reminds me of Kelly Rowland's heinous "Commander" video but with less imagination and an even lower budget. This woman has notched up nine consecutive top 10 albums in the US. Her talent and stature demand so much better.

Beyoncé Throws The Best Party EVER

From the post-apocalyptic drama of "Run The World (Girls)" to the zero-budget performance video for "Love On Top", Beyoncé has delivered a bit of everything this era. And while I definitely like some of the concepts more ("Countdown") than others ("1+1"), the videos have all suited the material and shown off Queen B's legendary versatility. It seems fitting then that she keep the best for last.

Actually, that's not quite right. "Party" isn't the best video from "4" - that would be "Countdown" or "Run The World (Girls)" - but it's my favourite. I love it when Bey lets her mask slip a bit and has a bit of fun. Like when she raided the liquor cabinet in "Why Don't You Love Me?" before dusting her 16 Grammys. Sometimes I think the most successful artist of the millennium over thinks things in the pursuit of excellence, so it's nice for her to take a step back and deliver this rambling, yet incredibly enjoyable, mess. Which she directed herself. Respect.

The concept:

Beyoncé throws a party in a trailer park and invites over a bunch of friends that include her superstar sister Solange, former Destiny's Child bandmate Kelly Rowland and rapper J.Cole.

Why it works:

1. The clip suits the lyrics perfectly. This is a party I would love to attend... if only to see Bey mow the lawn stilettos and little else.

2. It is a high-camp extravaganza. This is what I imagine a street party thrown by the cast of RuPaul's Drag Race would look like. Hair rollers and short shorts as far as the eye can see.

3. Kelly Rowland's presence adds some serious star power to the proceedings!

4. The sight of Beyoncé doing her make-up on the toilet. Millie Jackson approves.

5. Ghetto fabulous fashion that will make your head spin.

6. Excerpts from the diva's "Year Of 4" documentary add to the clip's homespun charm. It's completely unnecessary but cracks me up.

7. The trashy Cassie look-a-like.

The negatives:

Michelle Williams' invitation was obviously lost in the mail. Rude.

The verdict:

Move aside, BB Homemaker. Trailer park Betty is the new Queen of my heart.

10/10

Jessica & Stan Fly The Idol Flag

Jessica Mauboy and Stan Walker have finally blessed the world with the duet we've all been waiting for! No, really. I love them both and think a collaboration is smart for several reasons:

1. It gives them something to sing on their upcoming joint-tour of RSL clubs - no shade, this is actually happening and I already have tickets!
2. They are two of the nation's most successful pop stars and I'm a firm believer in cross-promotion.
3. Anyone is a better duet partner than Jay Sean.

As for the song, it's a total grower. After returning to the top 5 with her double platinum smash "Inescapable", I thought J Malley should go with another upbeat number like "Run" - or the still brilliant "Maze" - but "Galaxy" is fun too. It reminds me a lot of "No Air" (AKA the last time Jordin Sparks was relevant). It doesn't knock your socks off on the first listen but slowly creeps up on you like a pervert. Radio will love it and I'm sensing a sexy beach-themed video if the cute single cover (above) is any indication. We'll know soon enough. The song hits iTunes tomorrow and the delicious duo perform the song on next week's X Factor. Here's a sneaky listen below.

Your New Favourite Band

If Adam Lambert was around in the '60s, he would probably sound something like Hunx and his Punk - AKA my new favourite gay rock band. Founded by Seth Bogart (a California-based hair salon owner) in 2008, the band has already released one album called "Gay Singles" and built up a loyal underground following. I haven't got around to listening to that opus yet but their sophomore effort "Too Young To Be In Love" is something of a triumph. I genuinely love their sunny West Coast sound and barrage of retro influences. And let's be honest, the amusing lyrics don't hurt. Take Hunx and the Punx's new single. "Lover's Lane" is "Leader Of The Pack" with a demented gay twist. I love the thwarted teen romance set-up and melodramatic storyline - "my boy was killed and now he's gone!" The video is simple but cute. I don't get the random severed hand or the creepy-looking drummer but it's still better than anything Coldplay has ever released. Embrace the magic below.