Aphrodite - Pop Trash Review

I still remember the first time I heard Kylie's 1988 debut. I saved up to buy the cassette for a family roadtrip and ruthlessly tortured my siblings by demanding mum play it on repeat for the entire 6 hour journey. Even as a child I was all about sharing the Minogue love! Over the next 22 years, each new Kylie album has been an event that I've looked forward to and obsessed over. Some have been better than others but I always find something to love and appreciate. Even if it's a random Japanese bonus track ("Love Is Waiting" - the saving grace of 1994's self-titled cure for insomnia) or a so bad it's amazing triumph like "Nu-Di-Ty". One way or another, Kylie always delivers the goods for me. And that's particularly true of her 11th studio album. It's hard to believe but "Aphrodite" actually lives up to the hype. The endearing desperation of "Body Language" is a thing of the past and the sometimes jarring eclecticism of "X" has been reigned in. It's almost as if Team Minogue spent the past two years processing all the criticism and distilled the brand back to something that is quintessentially Kylie. The result is the pop icon's most consistent and cohesive offering since "Fever". At a time when albums have become hastily thrown together collections of singles and pointless filler, "Aphrodite" stands out by having a theme and expertly mapped out tracklist. It's also the antidote to the hypersexual skank-pop of Ke$ha and Lady Gaga. As much as I love their music, Kylie's bright eyed romanticism comes as a welcome relief. She's back doing what she does best - cute pop music with uplifting lyrics, catchy choruses and an unwavering eye for the dancefloor. Here is my track by track review:

All The Lovers

So dreamy, so lovely, such a bad lead single. Chart performance (in Australia) aside, I still think "All The Lovers" is one of the prettiest pop singles in recent memory. The lyrics are gorgeous and have more depth than they are given credit for, while that explosion of synths at the two and a half minute mark gets me every time. I just think this would have made a better album track. The Kish Mauve penned anthem sets the loved up tone of "Aphrodite" perfectly but it just isn't instant enough to be the chart smash that Kylie needed.

Get Outta My Way

Speaking of future hits, "Get Outta My Way" is destined to be huge. Cutfather and Lucas Secon have given Kylie another "Love At First Sight" for a whole new generation of fans. This is the kind of pure pop that Kylie does better than anyone. The lyrics make me laugh ("this is what'll happen if you ain't givin' your girl what she needs!"), that chorus is more addictive than heroin and the production is sleek without being sterile and overbearing. You can almost see the hordes of drunken girls rushing the dancefloor when this comes on. A lock for second single unless someone at Parlophone has a brain explosion.

Put Your Hands Up (If You Feel Love)

If "Get Outta My Way" is a return to the diva's pure pop roots, then this is her first real dance anthem since the "Fever" era. It's such a relief to hear a big, hearty blast of club Kylie after years of mid-tempo electronic tunes. This is exactly what she needs to win back the gays who have since moved on to Lady Gaga and would be my choice for the album's third single. Hooking up with the Nervo sisters turned out to be an inspired move and Starsmith cements his reputation as one of pop's hottest producers. The Italo-disco-tastic outro is particularly amazing. I can't wait to hear this in a nightclub.

Closer

While not as memorable as her similarly titled 1992 B-side, "Closer" is a quirky little grower. It took me a while to warm to it but the track injects some much needed darkness and variety into "Aphrodite". I love the minimal beats and that bare bones of a chorus is strangely hypnotic. Stuart Price really lets his imagination run wild on this one. "Closer" belongs on the soundtrack to a 70s sci-fi film about a demented fembot that falls in love with its creator. Or maybe I just have too much time on my hands...

Everything Is Beautiful

I'm not exactly a Keane fan but Tim Rice-Oxley has a knack for writing melancholy tinged pop songs for fabulous divas. "Early Winter" is probably my favourite track on Gwen Stefani's "Sweet Escape" album and "Everything Is Beautiful" is one of the unexpected highlights of "Aphrodite". It's funny. I initially found this quite slow and boring in comparison to the rest of the album but the sleepy chorus slowly seeps into brain and I love how accurately the song channels Kylie's vulnerability and optimism. I don't think she's given enough credit for her ability to interpret other people's material. This song simply wouldn't work with anyone else.

Aphrodite

Oh here we go. The title track is already being thrown around as a 'fan favourite' but this "Hollaback Girl" meets "Wind It Up" rip off has already been done on "X". It didn't work there and doesn't sound that much better here. The only thing that saves it from being a total embarrassment is the brilliant chorus, which sounds like it belongs to an entirely different song. Having said all that - I see the appeal. "Aphrodite" is big, dumb fun that will inevitably be a showstopper when Kylie takes the album on tour. Who would have guessed that Nerina Pallot (and husband Andy) would come up with something this camp and ridiculous? I have an annoying feeling that it will be a future single.

Illusion

Kylie gets her first writing credit on "Illusion" and it sounds fairly autobiographical. Take the following lyric. "Follow my dreams into distant lands, blowing in the wind over shifting sands". I think Kylie was having a bit of a moment when she penned this in a bubble bath, sipping from a flute of champagne. Or so I'd like to imagine. "Illusion" isn't the catchiest song on the album but it holds a mirror to the darker side of love, which balances the almost dementedly happy mood of the rest of the album. The production is pure Stuart Price. Layered synths and vocals give the track an almost ethereal feel that makes it stand out from the rest of the album for all the right reasons.

Better Than Today

To be honest, I'm kind of surprised this made the album over the fabulous bonus tracks. Not because it's rubbish but because it's been doing the rounds in various forms since Kylie first performed it on her American tour earlier this year. "Better Than Today" still sounds like something Elton John recorded in 1978, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I like the perky lyrics and catchy chorus. More importantly, the retro sound helps break up the album and showcases Kylie's versatility. Not my favourite song on the album but still a lot of fun.

Too Much

Now this is more like it. I think Calvin Harris is an overrated mess but it's hard to fault his work with Kylie. "In My Arms" was perhaps the highlight of "X" and I was part of the vocal minority that genuinely loved "Heart Beat Rock". This time around he teams up with Jake Shears, which turns out to be a match made in gay heaven. "Too Much" is a seriously brilliant pop song with the kind of explosive chorus that gets stuck in your head and refuses to leave. I love Calvin's playful production that chops and changes from dark and brooding at the beginning to a big, beautiful blast of 80s flavoured electronica. The lyrics are particularly gorgeous. "Can't say, can't say what it is, if I say what I feel it's too much" - is this the much longed for electro sequel to "Never Spoken"?

Cupid Boy

My friend Luciana wrote this with her equally talented husband Nick, so I'm probably completely biased. I was so excited when "Cupid Boy" made the final tracklist after she came heartbreakingly close to having two songs on "X" (the brilliant "Beat Of My Own Drum" and singleworthy smash that never happened "Dynamite") but nothing prepared me for the brilliance of this super sexy dancefloor anthem. No wonder Cheryl Cole (*vomits*) has hired Luciana's services for her sophomore album. While Kylie ponders the highs and lows of love and romance on the rest of "Aphrodite", Dannii's much older sister is looking for some hot lovin' on "Cupid Boy". A girl has needs! Apart from being the classiest song about a booty call ever recorded, it's also the most contemporary Kylie has sounded in years. The chorus is fire and the slinky verses seethe with longing. Roping in Sebastian Ingrosso (of Swedish House Mafia fame) to produce the track also turned out to be a masterstroke. He brings a club perspective to the proceedings while still respecting the song's pop origins. "Cupid Boy" would be a radio smash in this country.

Looking For An Angel

I thought "Looking For An Angel" was an absolute stinker when I first heard it at the "Aphrodite" listening party, labelling it a bad Dannii B-side. But I can admit when I'm wrong. After a couple of listens this is actually one of the album's cutest tracks. The sappy lyrics would be nauseating in the hands of anyone else but Kylie has an uncanny ability to make pure cheese ("so I dream of things like your golden wings") sound adorable. After keeping a lid on her natural tendency for all things high camp and over the top, I'm kind of glad Stuart Price let Kylie unleash on this relentlessly cheerful and upbeat anthem. A not so guilty pleasure that gets more charming each time I hear it.

Can't Beat The Feeling

Pascal Gabriel has to be the most underrated songwriter in pop music. If he's ever delivered a shit track, I'm yet to hear it and his work with Kylie has always been of the highest calibre (ie. "Tightrope" - easily the best song from the entire "Fever" era). I've been waiting for this reunion since 2001 and it was worth the wait. "Can't Beat The Feeling" is a burst of serotonin that sounds like a cross between "In My Arms" and "Love At First Sight". While I miss the bittersweet aftertaste of "Your Love" and "Tightrope", there is something quintessentially Kylie about this track. Which makes it the perfect way to close the album.

BONUS TRACKS

Mighty Rivers

I could write a thesis on Kylie's amazing ability to waste her best material as B-sides and bonus tracks and the trend continues on "Aphrodite". Bless. "Mighty Rivers" is the first of two Xenomania produced songs that didn't make the cut. In this case, it's understandable. The track is a little too moody for the album's upbeat tone and the lyric "mighty rivers run right through me" reminds me of a urinary tract infection I had in the 90s. That said, it is a gorgeous little tune that is well worth downloading. Emo-Kylie or as close as it gets on "Aphrodite".

Heartstrings

Japan is so lucky. Not only do they have the sexiest packaging (I'm sick for Obi strips) but they also get this amazing bonus track. Despite wasting the past decade on boring hacks like Girls Aloud, Xenomania occasionally pull one of the bag and "Heartstrings" is probably the best song they have written since contributing to Dannii's era defining "Girl" album. I would have swapped this with the title track or "Better Than Today". Unlike "Mighty Rivers", it fits the album's tone and theme perfectly and ranks as one of the loveliest songs Kylie has ever put her name to. Listen to this gorgeous gem below.

9/10

All The Lesbians

Vs

Dannii wins!

In a desperate bid to steal the spotlight away from her more popular sister, Kylie planted a kiss on the Scissor Sister's Ana Matronic at Glastonbury this weekend. I know it must be cold there in Dannii's shadow but this G rated re-enactment of Lezzigate is not the answer! The much younger Minogue's steamy lesbian adventure with stunning British stripper Janine Marshall is the thing of legend. I mean, who could ever forget this iconic headline?

While it must be hard for Kylie to accept Dannii's breathtaking TV $ucce$$ and unparalleled ability to re-release albums that no one bought in the first place, she can take heart in the fact that "Aphrodite" is an absolute fucking gem. I know I'm a bit late with my review but I find something new to love with each listen, so I just want to soak it up for a couple more days without analysing every beat, synth and lyric. In the meantime, watch Kylie get down and dirty with the Scissor Sisters. I love it. Time for another raw Intimate & Live type concert tour, I think!

Pop Panel - Week 9 - Trash Special

Before we get started I really need to apologise for the song selection. I had a pretty awful week and tried to cheer myself up by overdosing on the trashiest pop music in my collection. It worked a treat but kind of spilled over into Pop Panel. So if nude models, Eurotrash divas and J Pop sluts don't float your boat - please don't waste your time reading any further because that's just the tip of the iceberg! I probably should be embarrassed but I love the dirty underbelly of pop and think most of these tunes are better than half the shit clogging up the charts. Take our winner. You won't find that kind of refined talent and exquisite beauty on the top 40! The followed judges were cruelly subjected to my trash fetish:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
The Prophet (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Rob (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop

And

Nasty G (Canada) writer of the much loved Isle Of Deserted Pop Stars and its underappreciated sister blog Lost Pop Treasures. Anyone who has had the pleasure of reading either of those exquisite sites will know that Nasty G is the perfect guest judge for trash week!

As usual the songs are ranked from lowest to highest.

Eliza Doolittle – Pack Up (Video)

The UK's latest 'it' girl unveils her new single.

D'Luv: Not really my thing. I want to say, “Sorry, hon — Amy Winehouse, Adele, Duffy, VV Brown, Pixie Lott, Janelle Monae and Nikki & Rich want their vaginas back,” but Eliza is charming enough. 2/5
Mike: I usually hate these retro wannabes but there's something genuinely unaffected and uplifting about this cute tune. Eliza > Duffy... which isn't really saying much. 3.5/5
Nasty G: The sound of yet another cipher fucking Amy Winehouse's corpse for a contact high. Enough already. Bleh. 1/5
Paul: Oh she's so classy and elegant and relevant and just trying to hard to be cool isn't she? Ignore all of that annoyingness and I really do like the song where I didn't want to. I mean there are a million other girls singing this type of tune but I like the juxtaposition of the blokey sung chorus. She'll probably do a Cilmi and go disco pop for her next album. Can't wait! 4/5
Rob: I want to like this. But I kinda feel the Motown/cockney thing has already been explored by Lily and of course Amy. Miss Doolittle, me thinks you've missed the boat. I also feel Paloma Faith does this sort of thing but a lot better. Cute video though. I want to be on that beach. 3/5
The Prophet: Cute, but at this point in time I'm not in the mood for another one of these dime a dozen guirky UK 'it' girls. 0/5
Total: 13.5/30

Selena Gomez & The Sound – Round & Round (Video)

Disney Queen follows up the surprisingly fun "Naturally".

D'Luv: Not nearly as awesome as “Naturally” — which was my total jam of Spring 2010 — but it still has a charm to it. And by that I mean I played it twice last Monday and will probably never return to it again. I’m glad Selena isn’t stripping off and wearing bird feathers in her videos (yet) like some other slutbags out there, at least. 3/5
Mike: It's no "Naturally" but if the silly bitch keeps this up, I'm gonna have to buy her fucking album. Rude. 2.5/5
Nasty G: My brain says no. My booty says otherwise. This is everything I loathe, yet everything I love. "Naturally" was painfully good, and this keeps the teen girl in me satisfied. 3.5/5
Paul: Sigh. "Naturally" was genius. This just isn't as good and I don't have the patience for it. It's like when I've had the pleasure moment in the sack and then they want to snuggle. "Naturally" was the pleasure moment; this is the snuggle. I just want to roll over and go to sleep thank you. 2/5
Rob: The problem with this is that nearly any singer could have of sung this. Its digested everything poptastic of the last 3 yeas with the amazing ability to capitalise on all the boring bits of each great pop song released recently. Making this this an epic mountain of tepidness. 0/5
The Prophet: I see that Selena has decided to emulate the iconic Hilary Duff by copying the "With Love" music video. It's so great when today's young stars to take inspiration from the legends who paved the way for them! 4/5
Total: 15/30

Joel Evan - Storm (Video)

And the award for the best marketing strategy ever goes to this stunning vocalist. Joel hopes to further his music career by flashing his cock on as many gay porn websites as possible. Bless.

D'Luv: Mike, where the FUCK do you find this stuff? 0/5
Mike: I really hope this nude marketing fad takes off. Quick, someone call Jack Peñate's A&R! The song itself is... interesting. Sure, the chorus makes me want to stab my ears with the nearest sharp object but I've heard a lot worse. Wash off the guy-liner and keep flashin' that cock, Joel. 5/5
Nasty G: And here I thought that the sublime artistry of The London Boys was lost forever! Thank you Joel (or the steroidal ghost of Sylvester Stallone's much more talented brother Frank) for making an old queen cry tears (or whatever bodily fluid that 'rain' is in the video) of joy! I will indeed take you up on your offer and take shelter under your over-developed pecs, or nose, or penis. 4/5
Paul: Oh Jesus Christ, you are fucking kidding me. 0/5 and if I can deduct points that other people may give him, I would!
Rob: Technically, the vocal in the verses are 'presentable' and then something seriously goes odd during the chorus. It goes all deep. How will he be the shelter from the storm exactly? Do his enlarged muscles and willy act as a conductors for the lightening? He doesn't explain. Sadly. Is this actually a song about death and electrocution? I need to know. 2/5
The Prophet: The song is WRETCHED. Like, below zero. But, he has a huge cock, so I'm willing to overlook it. 4/5 (for size of his prize).
Total: 15/30

Danielle DeLaite – Nothing To Wear (below)

This stunning Australian diva describes her music as a mixture between Kylie and Janet - with a splash of J Lo. No, seriously.

D'Luv: She might have opted to so a little smoke and mirrors with her unfortunate face by having Joel Evans’ cock shoved down her throat in the video. Just a suggestion. The song’s a snooze. 1/5
Grant: Now I know what that coworker who eats Ramen noodles for lunch every day and goes home to her cats every night does in her spare time. This exists solely to prove what a creative genius Rachel Stevens is. 2/5
Mike: Danielle is Australia's gift to the world. Unfortunately, we have a no returns policy. 5/5
Paul: No no no. It does not look good to me. It does not make your body look sexy. All the video screams is that she enjoys lying in the wet patch. And that is what this single is - an unwelcome and uncomfortable wet patch of a tune. 1/5
Rob: At least this has personality. I give it a bonus point for the massive hair. 1/5
The Prophet: This is so embarrassing. I'd give it a five for being so tragic, but Kumi and Nadine already filled up the trash quota for this week. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place. God, Cher's mermaid wig and the knock-off designer bag in the sand is just too stunning to penalize. 5/5
Total: 15/30

Kumi Koda – Lollipop (Video)

Um, I don't think this J Pop superstar is actually singing about candy....

D'Luv: Five points for the hot, tacky video, minus two for the dated song that sounds like Britney B-side from 2003. 3/5
Mike: Oh look, Britney is now officially redundant. 5/5
Grant: Usually J-pop turns my stomach, so I have to thank Kumi for finally helping me empty it. The only track I ever got into was her duet with pee-stained leatherface Fergie, and that was only after many cocktails. More inane J-Pop. Hoo-ray. But she gets an extra point for saying 'booty' repeatedly. 2/5
Paul: I've been pronouncing her name as Cummy all week which is probably wrong but oh so appropriate for this song. It's dead tinny, casio produced nonsense, but I do enjoy a slutty undertone and she rode that horse hard and good in the video so I'll double her score. 2/5
Rob: Hey girl its 2010. Not 2001. Incredibly numb-inducing. 0/5
The Prophet: If Lil' Wayne's 'Lollipop' was his penis, then I'm assuming that Kumi's must be her clitoris. When is someone going to lick my lollipop? 4.5/5
Total: 16.5/30

Susanna Kay – Off The Hook

Holland's classiest pop diva! (Video)

D'Luv: She’d look so pretty with parts of her strewn throughout the trunk of my car. 4/5
Mike: Someone finally had the decency to give Portia de Rossi a record deal! Apart from being a dead ringer for Australia's most famous lesbian, Susanna knows how to knock out a catchy pop tune. I love this trash and the video is a drag queen's wet dream. Delicious. 4.5/5
Nasty G: Take the talent, personality and beauty of Kylie, Gaga and Madge (well, circa 1990), mix it in a blender with some Cream Of Wheat and one of Elin Lanto's rejects, then dilute it with a gallon of water, and this is what you get. So innocuous that I can't help but give it a decent score. 3/5
Paul: I really liked Holland the few times I've been. It was all hookers touching themselves in shop windows and lovely architecture. This is pretty similar to that - it mixes trashy elements with solidly classic sing a long chorus. It would be nice if she found her own identity instead of trying to be Pink meets Gaga meets Katy Perry but it's only single one so she gets 3/5.
Rob: The Edurne original is a lot better. I give it low scores because I love Spanish pop princess Edurne and I don't love this Lady GaGa rip off. 0/5
The Prophet: Oh another RedOne B-side. It is kinda catchy though. 2/5
Total: 16.5/30

Scarlett Belle – Closure (Video)

Two failed Aus/Pop Idol rejects join forces to create Australia's newest girlband.

D'Luv: See, this is what The Saturdays need to do — cut away the chaff (i.e. all members but Frankie and, uh, one of those other ones with cheap London tits) — and just have a pair warble their formulaic jams. Don’t dislike this. For some reason kind of reminds me of Jordin Sparks’ “Tattoo”? 2.5/5
Mike: Tamara will never top the breathtaking awfulness of her solo smash "Ooh Ahh" but this is surprisingly inoffensive if you don't watch the so wrong it verges on criminal video. The B-side ("Girl That Weeps") is also worth hunting down. 3.5/5
Nasty G: I guess that I should drag that Scandal'Us CD out of the litter box it is lining if this is what it hath wrought! During our weekly (drunken) video session, this randomly came on, and my man pricked up his ears, which is notable because usually he's left lifeless from the barrage of offensive girly pop I subject him to. The words "This reminds me of Brit & Alex" ensured that this would forever be in heavy rotation. 4/5
Paul: Hmmm, it's like some dance remix of a Ryan Tedder song; big crashing drums, fairly singable chorus. It's not the most horrible tune I've heard all week but that's hardly a glowing compliment is it? I think there is a vague charm about it so I'm awarding it an average 3/5.
Rob: I like this despite the fact that the "its over" refrain is incredibly boring. Again, points knocked off for those Lady GaGa/Rihanna caste-offs. 2/5
The Prophet: Keri Hilson called - She wants her flop back. 2/5
Total: 17/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Nadine Sutherland – Cougar (below)

Can we all just call this masterpiece the winner and be done?

D'Luv: Bow down to Nadine’s wig and hail the cougar! My favorite part is when she’s in the blue outfit gyrating in front of the Mercedes. Total WIN! Sade wishes she were this classy. 5/5
Grant: Indisputable proof that the cougar is the most fearsome - and sexy - carnivore in the animal kingdom. And that Rick James' weave didn't die with him. Mama is hotter than a hot flash! And I'm proud to say that I am undoubtably the only bitch on the pop panel who already owns one of her CDs, which likely came from the delete bin that the Scandal'Us CD came from, but still... 5/5
Mike: I wonder if Kylie's Botox dealer blasts this stunning anthem from his back alley clinic to drum up business. 5/5
Paul: Just imagine, for one millisecond, that this was actually the comeback song for faded 80s teen idol Debbie Gibson! How amazing would that be (who also has a song out called "Cougar"!) Anyway, there is something both grotesquely hideous about this but like seeing a sad old man in a ford focus pick up an ageing prostitute on the side of the road, you can't really not pay attention. It's bad-good. 4/5
Rob: This is shit. 0/5
The Prophet: The mi-goren noodle hair sealed the deal for me. 5/5
Total: 24/30

Victoria Silvstedt Returns To Save Music!

I can barely breathe. My second favourite Swedish trash Queen (after Bionda) has deigned to bless the music world with a stunning new single and glamorous high budget video! Victoria Silvstedt is probably best known in Australia for her reality TV show My Perfect Life but before she became a professional fame whore, the multi-talented 1997 Playmate of the Year dabbled in lots of different things. She launched her own lingerie line, tried her luck as an actress in America and had a brief music career in Sweden. It's the latter that turned me into a fan. Her 1999 smash "Hello Hey" is legendary among trash connoisseurs for its sheer sonic brilliance and I'm glad the pop revolutionary is still churning out songs that show up her flop countrywoman Robyn as the sad, pathetic joke she's become. "Saturday Night" is an inspired cover of the Whigfield classic that showcases the diva's glorious autotuned vocals and unprecedented ability to talk her way through songs. Uffie is such a thief! I love the cheesy production and classy video. Victoria basically poses in a bikini, rides around on a yacht and dances in a club. Just another day for her then. Brace yourself for the fabulousness below.

Shontelle Actually Has A Hit...

No, seriously! This week "Impossible" climbs all the way to #17 on the US charts - becoming the Barbadian diva's first biggest hit. I'm so happy for her. Shontelle instantly became a guilty pleasure when I learned that she was calling her debut album "Shontelligence" (yes, I'm that easy!) and moved into fan territory when Rihanna stans cruelly dubbed her the beast of Barbados. Girlfriend can't help looking like a man! Anyway, they are probably just jealous of Shontelle's stunning $ucce$$ now that she's officially an international megastar. I just never thought "Impossible" would be the song to break her. In fact, I'll even admit to initially hating it but I can now see the error of my ways. The power ballad is an absolute grower that becomes more addictive with each listen. The arrangement is very 90s and there's no denying that my girl can sing RiRi under the table! Although that's not really saying very much...

As much as I like "Impossible" and hope it continues to rocket up the charts - I vastly prefer the follow up/international lead single. "Licky" was unveiled way back in January but is still listed as the second single from Shontelle's forthcoming sophomore album. Apparently, it will also serve as the international single and has just been remixed by a bunch of America's hottest DJs. Regardless of its status, "Licky" is one of the hottest songs of 2010. I love the dirty lyrics and that chorus is catchier than cholera. One listen and you'll be humming along to "L-I-licky-C-K-licky-Y". Can Universal please release this in Australia so I can get some relief from "Rated R"? I guarantee that it will be huge. On my blog. Maybe just ignore the video (below). It's probably what started the rumours about Shontelle having man parts. The Gaga gone wrong hooded dress and fringed boots combination is all kinds of nasty and that feathered jacket isn't much better. Anyway, I'm sure we can all agree that Rihanna is now officially redundant. And that's got to be a cause for celebration!

Aphrodite - Listening Party

Earlier tonight I went along to Warner Australia's "Aphrodite" listening party and finally had the chance to hear Kylie's exquisite new album in full. I'm surprised I wasn't uninvited (like Alanis) after my last post but I'm glad no one held a grudge. The Prophet - my hot date to the event - has already written a mini-review and I pretty much agree with every word. As expected from the megamix and Amazon preview clips, "Aphrodite" is almost flawless. I'll have to play it again a couple (of hundred) more times to make my final verdict but, on first listen, it's very, very impressive.

I was particularly surprised by how different some of the tracks sound from the previews - notably "Put Your Hands Up (If You Feel Love)", which is screaming out to be a future single and the endearingly trippy "Closer". As for the rest, "Get Outta My Way" still sounds like a sure bet as second single and Luciana's "Cupid Boy" is even more dark and delicious in its finished form. Most of the people I spoke to singled out the title track as a standout but to my ears it's a bit of a throwback to the Gwen Stefani-esque shenanigans on "X". Think the tour version of "Heart Beat Rock" with a better chorus. The Prophet got his stan on for "Illusion" and "Too Much" but I was more impressed with the album's only mid-tempo moment - the gorgeous "Everything Is Beautiful" - and relentlessly joyful "Can't Beat The Feeling". Bless Pascal Gabriel. We both agreed that "Looking For An Angel" is the only real stinker but it kind of sounds like a Dannii B-side so it will probably be my favourite track on the album by the time it's released!

There really isn't much to criticise and I'm ruthless when it comes to Kylie - only because I love her so much and hold her to a higher standard than second rate imposters like Madonna and Britney! If pushed, I almost found it too cohesive. I kind of miss the rough around the edges playfulness of "X". A little bit of shit sometimes makes you appreciate the gems all the more! I also think the second half is ever so slightly weaker than the first but that is being extremely picky. "Aphrodite" is a stunning return to form that would have been a perfect follow-up to "Fever". In just, it picks up where that album left off - just with a slightly mellower, loved up perspective and a fresh batch of collaborators. Heidi, Ke$ha and Lolene now have serious competition for album of the year! Expect a full review when the album leaks is released.

EDIT: The album has leaked (and no, it wasn't me)! Expect a full review in the next couple of days.

Casey Donovan Is Big, Beautiful & Sexy!

I've always felt a bit sorry for Casey Donovan. The 2004 Australian Idol winner never got a fair shot. Sony clearly had no idea what to do with a curvy, chain smoking teenager and basically pulled the plug on her career after releasing a shoddy cash-in album. It's a shame because "For You" had at least one great song ("What's Going On?") - which is more than Damien Leith, Natalie Gauci and Wes Carr can say! As far as Idol alumni go, I think she ranks up there with Lisa Mitchell as the most unique and hardest to market. At least Lisa could fall back on the indie crowd, while poor Casey spent the past few years touring RSL clubs and promoting weight loss products. Well, the plucky diva has decided to take things into her own hands by independently recording a steamy comeback anthem called "Big, Beautiful & Sexy". As as you can see from the performance below - Casey is taking the song's title literally! The delicious songstress will set temperatures soaring with her saucy outfit (a figure hugging corset and tutu) and attitude filled lyrics. I honestly think this is a great song and I'd forgotten that Emma wasn't the only member of the Donovan clan with a fucking amazing voice. Bring on the finished version! To promote this smash in the making, Casey is taking her "Big, Beautiful & Sexy" tour on the road. For more information check out her Facebook. See you there! Thanks to Jacques for the heads up.

All The Lovers - An Australian Flop?

"All The Lovers" debuted at #14 in Australia this week, becoming the second lowest charting lead single of Kylie's career. In fact, only "Some Kind Of Bliss" performed worse (landing at #27 in 1997) and that was released at the absolute nadir of her popularity. It's a bit depressing but hardly unexpected. I reviewed the song a month ago and wrote the following:

As much as I adore the song, I do have some criticisms. Well, one big one. I really hope I'm wrong but I don't think "All The Lovers" is a particularly smart lead single from a commercial standpoint. Kylie needed to steal her sister's crown as the undisputed Queen of Clubs instead of returning with what is essentially an electronic Mother's Day anthem. Fans have likened the song to "I Believe In You" and "The One" but neither of those set the charts on fire outside of England.

Sometimes I hate being right. The Kylie faithful will tell you that "All The Lovers" is a grower and will get a boost with the release of the physical single (in stores Friday) but I doubt it. The song has fallen out of the top 20 on iTunes and has stalled on radio. Strangely, I'm not that bothered. If the album is half as good as the "Aphrodite" megamix suggests, then Dannii's much older sister will be spoilt for choice when it comes to picking future singles and she can take heart from the song's top 5 debut in the UK and top 10 position in Germany. However - given that "All The Lovers" has received almost universal praise from fans and critics - what the fuck went wrong in this country?

Some militant Al Kylieda members have blamed the song leaking a couple of weeks in advance but I think that's ridiculous. More people legally downloaded "Your Love Is My Drug" last week and that's the third single from an album that's being doing the rounds online since January. Then there's the usual chant of "no promotion", which is slightly more valid. Australia hasn't really been a priority for Kylie since she exploded internationally in 2001 and the remote control approach to what is traditionally her second biggest market has been slowly backfiring ever since. However, Kylie did just as little promotion for "Slow" and "2 Hearts" and they both reached #1.

In my opinion, the problem lies with the dud remix package (Dada Life and XXXChange just don't cut it over here) and the fact that she went with another mid-tempo tune. Kylie really needed to come back with a dancefloor anthem that appealed to the half a million or so people that spent $20 on "Fever". As pretty and dreamy and perfect as it is, "All The Lovers" is too subtle and way too European for a market currently ruled by Katy Perry and Ke$ha.

Fortunately, every song on that "Aphrodite" megamix sounds more instant and radio friendly than the lead single. I honestly have such a good feeling about this album and think it has the potential to be absolutely massive. Kylie HQ just needs to be a bit smarter about single choices and make sure they are tailoring them for different markets. Particularly when it comes to the clubs. Get TV Rock or Hook N Sling to remix "Get Outta My Way" so it will actually be played in an Australian club outside of Oxford Street. Go with a different song if the UK's choice won't work over here. If an act as big as Pink can be bothered with Australia only singles, why can't Kylie?

Anyway, here are the living legend's 11 lead singles and their chart position from 1987 - 2010. A top 15 hit 23 years into a career is actually a pretty amazing achievement. I just think we all have so much affection for Kylie, we can't help but want more for her.

1987 Locomotion - #1
1994 Confide In Me - #1
1989 Hand On Your Hand - #4
1990 Better The Devil You Know - #4
1991 Word Is Out - #10
1997 Some Kind Of Bliss - #27
2000 Spinning Around - #1
2001 Can't Get You Out Of My Head - #1
2003 Slow - #1
2007 2 Hearts - #1
2010 All The Lovers - #14

On the bright side, at least Kylie's not as big a flop as Robyn, Kelly Rowland or Christina Aguilera! And she's the only person who can fall flat on her fanny and still look fabulous in the process. For video evidence watch this iconic moment below!

Stop Press: La Toya Reunites With Bubbles!

Toy Toy's new status as the people's princess has been underlined by her latest act of selfless philanthropy. Just days after fanning the flames of Michael Jackson's memory by serenading Russia with a glorious live rendition of "Earth Song", the tireless humanitarian has captured the hearts and minds of millions around the globe by emotionally reuniting with her dead brother's chimpanzee. In a lucky coincidence, cameras were rolling to capture the moment and the footage is breathtaking. La Toya is the first member of the Jackson clan to visit Bubbles at the Florida ape sanctuary (cruel Janet is clearly too busy releasing flop albums to care) and she is genuinely overwhelmed by the occasion. I love it when Toy lovingly hoses the chimp down and tries to get his attention by loudly calling out her name. But the defining exchange begins at about 3:20 mins when Michael's favourite sister bursts into tears and asks Bubbles if he remembers her. It's simultaneously heartbreaking and hilarious. Some people question La Toya's intentions even though she's made it clear that her only mission in life is to free the world but I think she's completely dedicated to maintaining Michael's memory - even if it means postponing her sure to be #1 platinum smash hit album for another 9 years. Warning: This video is a real tearjerker. It actually made me cry!

Pop Panel 2010 - Week 8

Hmmm. I can't believe I'm upset about this week's outcome. The winner is genuinely amazing but I feel that the runner-up is the defining anthem of our time and will be looked back on in years to come as one of the greatest collaborations of the noughties. Oh well, at least my favourite Mexican pop tart almost scored a massive upset with her stunning tune and it's good to see the world's second worst girlband get the trashing they deserve. However, one thing that annoys me is when a song gets an unwarranted beat down just because it's popular. You'll know what I mean. Anyway, I love more than half of tonight's songs - which has to be some kind of record! Here are this week's judges:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
The Prophet (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Rob (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop.

and

Tommie (Sweden) who has no qualifications at all apart from being my only stan.

As usual, the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Candy Rock – I’m Not In Love (Video)

The UK's latest girlband has a very unfortunate looking lead singer.

D'Luv: So, they’re basically wrangling in any back-alley Croydon hooker for girl bands these days? 0/5
Mike: They make City Girls look like the original Sugababes. 0/5
Paul: The girls have their lipstick setting on 'whore' in the video and will this succeed where the infinitely better Mini Viva have failed? I think, upon reflection, emphatically no! I couldn't even work out a tune in this... 1/5
Rob: Brilliant video. But lame song. Actually scrap that. The song isn't too bad. But the finished product is terrible. This is like an unfinished demo. Yikes. 2/5
The Prophet: Oh look, it's the new JLS video. 0/5
Tommie: Despite looking like Dana International times 3, I can't help liking the song. It'll probably not dent the chart, but nice to see some good girl group pop from the UK. 3/5
Total: 6/30

Katy Perry ft. Snoop Dog – Caifornia Gurls (Video)

Already a #1 smash. Everywhere.

D'Luv: I liked this the first time I heard it about two months ago. But now it makes me want to take one of those whipped cream cans jutting out from Katy’s tits and cram it in her fucking mouth. Oh well — we’ll all laugh in the end when Russell Brand’s wang finally rots off and gets lost up her taco swamp. Ta dah! 1/5
Mike: Say what you like about Katy Perry. In the space of 3 years she's moved from Christian music to faux rock and now urban flavoured pure pop. "California Gurls" isn't as amazing as "Hot N Cold" or "Waking Up In Vegas" but it's pretty much irresistible despite the formulaic chorus and ultra cheesy lyrics. However, I'm taking off one point because the delicious video is wreaking havoc with my no solids diet! 4/5
Paul: First of all I hate the spelling of 'gurls'. I know that seems a bit churlish but I find it so irritating. Perhaps some people can pull that off, but it's a very small minority and Katy isn't one of them. I've always been a bit hot and cold with Katy and this is pleasant enough, but it's hardly the most progressive pop song in the world. In fact, it's annoying me, I'm turning it off (grumpy cunt!!) 2/5
Rob: I seriously wanted to dislike this but like the flu it takes over you. Thank the amazing video and Dr.Luke's wonderful production for that. And the fact that this is Ke$ha's Tik Tok albeit with different lyrics. 3.5/5
The Prophet: I would give Katy's sticky & sweet candyland adventure a full score, but since she stole this song from Queen Ke$ha, I have to give her a slight markdown. 4.5/5
Tommie: I already heard this before and it was called "Tik Tok". Nobody puts the drunken skank in the corner! 0/5
Total: 15/30

Kat Deluna Ft Akon – Push Push (Video)

Queen Kat is finally back!

D'Luv: This sounds like the kind of tripe that would have fit in on Sugababe’s Sweet 7 floptastrophe. NEXT. 1.5/5
Mike: So fucking good! This is one of my favourite songs of the year. The chorus is fire and I love the trashy Akon rap. I'm so glad Kat has her swag back even if I think it's going to flop harder than her last half dozen "hits". 5/5
Paul: Oh I was surprised by how much I really liked this. It's quite good fun with a filthy little chorus that I really enjoyed. I really liked the music behind the vocal too and it was all quite good. 4/5
Rob: Kat does her best Rihanna impression and instead ends up like a cheap Javine. 2/5
The Prophet: I'm Kat Deluna's only fan but this is my least favorite single of hers - ever. It sounds like a RedOne B-side. 3.5/5
Tommie: Oh Skat, er, Kat. This just won't do it for you honey. 2/5
Total: 18/30

Bailey Tzuke – Strong (Video)

Kylie's favourite new artist unleashes her first solo single.

D'Luv: Pretty solid jam. Beautiful video. Really digging this broad, even though it sounds like she swallowed Ellie Goulding’s fish trough. 4/5
Mike: Am I listening to the same song? This just sounds like something Sarah McLachlan excreted in 1997 set to a cheap electronic backing track. Kylie should spend her time promoting real talent like Jennifer Rush. 0/5
Paul: Adore. Amazing voice, gorgeously emotive song, dramatic production. What's not to like? And she got tweeted by Kylie Minogue! So much more than just the vocalist on the freemasons hit. Plus the packaging for this single is brilliant. 5/5
Rob: Pure class. This drips brilliance. It refuses to fall into genre. It refuses to be average. This is raises the standard. A gem amongst the stars. 5/5
The Prophet: This would sound better if it was DANNII'S new fave and not her less relevant sisters. 3/5
Tommie: Oh Kylie. This is why you don't get to pick material for your albums. 2/5
Total: 19/30

Adam Lambert – If I Had You (Video)

Glambert ropes in Max Martin for his 3rd single.

D'Luv: Screw Katy Pussy — THIS is a real Max Martin jam. I’ve been a late passenger on the Adam Lambert train, but his past two singles (this and “Whataya Want From Me”) have really grown on me. Fingers crossed that it at least charts at #97 in the U.S.! 4/5
Mike: Um, this totally rips off Kelly Clarkson's vastly superior "If I Can't Have You". Which isn't necessarily a bad thing but hardly revolutionary. 2/5
Paul: Definitely one of the stronger tracks from his album. Indeed, he has the rather good trick of being able to release a song that - after a few spins - ends up trumping the single before it. It's basically a guy sung version of "Since U Been Gone", much like Backstreet Boys' "Larger Than Life" to Britney's "You Drive Me Crazy". And there's nothing wrong with that... 3.5/5
Rob: Put Pink and Tokio Hotel in one act and you've got Adam Lambert. This girl is on fire and I respect that. It's not unique or as groundbreaking it thinks it is. Will become background music in Target in 12 months time if it hasn't already. 3/5
The Prophet: I love Glambert and I used to have frequent fantasies about him fucking my brains out, but then when I discovered he was a natural red head I just couldn't do it anymore. I still love the music though. 4.5/5
Tommie: I thought "Whataya Want From Me" was a hit? Clearly it has not affected his promotional budget, as this video does show. Still, decent tune that should be a minor hit for him. 3/5
Total: 20/30

Anahí - Me Hipnotizas (Video)

Mexico's Queen of Pop ups the ante with this stunning blockbuster.

D'Luv: Why do I have a feeling Anahi fucked EVERY extra in this video—including the tree? 2/5
Mike: Genius. What a song! What a video! I swear Mexico is my spiritual home. When is a rich Mexican going to sweep me off my feet so I can listen to this kind of trash on the radio all day while drinking tequila shots and watching bad telenovelas on mute? I'm waiting... 5/5
Paul: It's very catchy isn't it? Not sure why she is wandering around Pandora in the video, but it's irrelevant really. I have no idea what the song is about but that tin pot rhythm, wafer thin vocals and deliriously delightful chorus have me hooked for a few minutes at least. 3.5/5
Rob: I woulda gone with a different song from her amazing album but I suppose she has to make herself distinct from Gloria Trevi: the real Mexican Queen of Pop. I think Thalia has covered this sound before but good on Anahi for pushing it forward. Bonus points for a random-as-fuck-but-fab video. 4/5
The Prophet: This video is defining! 3/5
Tommie: Oh I really like it, but it reminds me of another song. Still, it's all good. 4/5
Total: 21.5/30

Memphis Blac feat. Smokahontas Jones - Got Dat Work (Video)

Visual and aural Viagra!

D'Luv: Mom?!? 5/5
Mike: Genuinely catchy and possibly the most quotable song of all time. For example: "You can call me MILF Diddy", "You wanna lay me baby, well you gonna have to pay me" and my personal fave "I'm in the cockpit chewin' on the pilot's dick"! Modern art. 5/5
Paul: Dear god. words absolutely fail me. But I know I couldn't get the shower hot enough after watching this. SHUDDER. 1/5
Rob: I love the condom necklace. Where can I get one of those? 2/5
The Prophet: Absolutely I-C-O-N-I-C. I never thought anybody would be able to snatch Queen Khia's crown, but if anybody can it's Memphis Blac and Smokahontas Jones! 5/5
Tommie: Finally, an anthem for all us cheap prostitutes trying to earn a honest living. 5/5
Total: 23/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Kelis – 4th of July (Video)

The second single from "Flesh Tone".

D'Luv: Yes, yes, yes. Shooting bottle rockets out of my pants on the 4th of July for this hot bitch’s latest album. 5/5
Mike: The video is boring by Kelis' usually high standards but this is the standout track from her bizarrely overhyped album. I love the production and gorgeous chorus. The Calvin Harris remix is also a winner. 5/5
Paul: D'Luv got me totally hooked on "Acapella" and the album, and I do love a calendar-correct themed release, so I was quite excited by this sparse but percussive groove. It totally gets in your head after a couple of plays in an insiduous way. Though nothing stops me wanting to shout "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW" everytime I play any of her tunes. 3.5/5
Rob: Overhyped. Overdried. Overboard. Over it. 2/5
The Prophet: Kelis >>> ya faves. 4.5/5
Tommie: Kelis is possibly the most underrated woman in pop (after La Toya) and she doesn't dissapoint on her second single lifted from "Flesh Tone" (OUT NOW!). Anthemic and uplifting. 5/5
Total: 25/30

Vanessa Amorosi's Next Single...

Is "Holiday". At least according to the member of her management team I spoke to. Seriously, why does Ness Ness do this to me? Just when the "Hazardous" campaign appeared to be back on track thanks to the top 5 hit "Mr Mysterious", Australia's sexiest woman chooses this dud as her 4th single. Ok, that's unfair. I actually love "Holiday" and - strangely enough - have been listening to it quite a lot lately as I prepare to blow this town for a bit of fun in the sun. But there are so many better options, one in particular comes to mind. "Blow Me Away" is a smash in waiting. If that's not a top ten hit then I'll re-enact "All The Lovers" with the grannies at my local retirement village. I guess they could be keeping that ace up their sleeve for a killer 5th or 6th single (after all, we live in a "Sasha Fierce" era where you basically keep on releasing shit until it's time for another album) but why not go with the super sexy masturbation anthem "Touch Me" or that catchy jam about fucking a junkie? Even if her label wants to play it safe, there's the lovely "Higher Ground". Australia loves a Vanessa ballad! Oh well, it's not too late to change their mind and the possibilities for the video are endless. I have visions of Ness Ness sipping cocktails poolside in Noosa, wearing a nice kaftan and her best pair of Billabong thongs. Hot! Interestingly, the diva's international campaign is finally getting underway. Her Street Team lists "This Is Who I Am" as the album's first official UK single ("Off On My Kiss" was released as an iTunes taster in May) but I hear they might push "Mr Mysterious" instead. Someone needs to make a decision because the damn thing is released on the 12th of July. Not that it matters. As far as I'm concerned, international domination is a forgone conclusion! Anyway - here's "Holiday". Ok, I'm already warming to the idea....

La Toya's Stunning Triumph!

I've received a lot of hurtful emails this week accusing me of rudely ignoring the most significant musical moment of 2010. Rest assured, Toy Soldiers. La Toya's stunning triumph in Moscow did not go unnoticed. I was simply too overwhelmed by the magnitude of the occasion to write anything sensible. Our goddess finally had her moment in the sun and proved once and for all that she is the most beautiful and talented Jackson. In case you've been hiding under a rock or are just a sad, delusional Janatic - Toy Toy rocked the Muz-TV Awards show in Russia with an incredible rendition of Michael Jackson's "Earth Song". She was assisted by a couple of my favourite Eastern European pop stars (Dima Bilan, Sergey Lazarov etc) but there's no denying who the star of the show was. La Toya's otherworldly glamour and pitch perfect vocals had the crowd entranced from the second she took the stage wearing some of Michael's old pyjamas. There have been some libellous accusations that Toy Toy mimed but I won't even dignify that filth with a response. The Duchess of Dance spent most of the 90s touring the former Soviet block and a host of bankrupt African nations. She has nothing to prove! Anyway, sit back - grab some lube and a tissue - and prepare yourself for possibly the best performance of all time. The haters have been put in check!

Inna Is Amazing

I first wrote about Inna back in February. At that stage the Romanian superstar had already conquered much of Europe with "Hot" but was preparing to unleash her cheap and cheerful brand of Hi-NRG pop upon the UK. And - as expected - the Brits proved defenceless to her charms. In fact, the only nation to turn its back on this stunning talent is Australia. Which is just offensive. Anyway, the diva is gearing up for her second UK single and I actually think it surpasses her previous effort. "Amazing" really does live up to its title. The production is a little less Romanian techno on crystal meth and Inna shows a softer side. I particularly love the guitar sample and pretty chorus. It's a shame then that both of those qualities have been butchered in the UK remix. What the fuck is going on with AATW/3 Beat Blue and two minute radio edits? The original version (below) is so much better. If you're going to overhaul a record to that extent at least keep the best bits! At least the classy video remains relatively intact. Basically, Inna walks around looking sexy in a swimsuit but it suits the anthem's summery vibe perfectly and makes me want to jump on the next plane to Faro (where I think it was filmed). Fingers crossed it's another hit for the Bucharest beauty!

Jennifer Rush & The Song Of The Year?

We're almost at the halfway mark of 2010 and already a handful of tracks stand out as early contenders for the song of the year. There's Kylie's exquisite "All The Lovers", Robyn's bitter "Dancing On My Own", Livvi Franc's criminally underrated "Automatik", Matisse's stunning mega-flop "Better Than Her" and Tania Foster's unreleased gem "Supawoman". Well, you can add another stunning anthem to that shortlist. Earlier this year 80s icon Jennifer Rush released her first studio album in over 13 years. "Now Is The Hour" debuted at an impressive #21 in Germany but the lead single underperformed and the album has since fallen down the charts faster than "Not Myself Tonight". It might be too late to revive Jen's stalled comeback but the recently released second single is nothing short of spectacular. "Echoes Love" is easily the diva's best track in 25 years and the Seductions Radio Mix turns an already brilliant pop song into something extraordinary by giving it an irresistible disco makeover.

Think "Release Me" (Agnes not Zoe Badwi) meets Cher's "Strong enough" and you get some idea of what to expect. Jennifer's glorious pipes inject the anthem with heart and soul, while the lyrics are unashamedly romantic without being vomit inducing. And let's not forget that magnificent chorus. Amazingly, "Echoes Love" is still very much a diamond in the rough. The production could do with a polish and the remix - while very effective - sounds like it was thrown together in 5 minutes by the intern at Jen's record label. I'm sure AATW or 3 Beat Blue could work wonders with it for the UK market but I doubt they'll bother. And not because of the song's quality. Who is going to take a chance on a 49 year old plastic surgery addict who looks like Sylvester Stallone in drag? It's a shame because this gorgeous stunner is worth a dozen 20 year old Swedish bimbos. Nevertheless, I'm convinced the song will find love and affection from pop connoisseurs around the globe. Brace yourself for the brilliance of "Echoes Love" and the mindblowing natural beauty of Jennifer Rush (below). A huge thanks to Gordon for bringing this amazing treasure to my attention.

Christina Aguilera's Bionic - Pop Trash Review

A small part of my Xtina collection

My reason for posting the above pic - apart from the fact that I think it looks pretty - is to underline how much I love Christina. She was the only decent thing to emerge from the late 90s/early noughties teen pop explosion. Unlike Britney, she has talent and continues to evolve as an artist and try new things. It's an amazing achievement to move away from the bubblegum pop of her debut to the urban tinged grit of "Stripped" in the space of one album. And while "Back To Basics" is widely regarded as one hell of a hot mess, you can still salvage 10 great songs (ie. Disc 2 + "Ain't No Other Man" and "Oh Mother") from it. The same - sadly - can not be said for "Bionic". I've been listening to Xtina's 4th album on repeat for the past couple of weeks hoping in vain for it to click but I just find it more depressing with each listen. There are a couple of very good songs but the vast majority of them cover old ground or imitate other artists in a desperate attempt at "innovation". I understand the appeal of collaborating with your favourite singers but Christina got lost in the process. This shit sounds like a 21 year old lesbian's favourite mixtape. All that's missing is some Indigo Girls and a couple of P!nk numbers. And what's with the stomach churning sexual references? The dirrty one did this so much better on "Stripped". It just sounds pathetic now. As far as I'm concerned, after you've pushed a baby out of your woo hoo you really should stop singing about it. Anyway - with a heavy heart - here is my track by track review of "Bionic".

Bionic

The album's title track is three and a half minutes of mindless noise. I'm sure Christina thought she was being revolutionary and cutting edge by ignoring essential song elements like a melody and a chorus but it just makes me want to press 'skip'. A bad omen of things to come.

Not Myself Tonight

I don't care if it sounds like a "Blackout" B-side. "Not Myself Tonight" was a return to Trashtina. You know, the happy-go-lucky ho that sang fun songs like "Fighter" and "Dirrty"? I've missed that bitch and I have a feeling this will go down as a cult classic. Hell, I even like the video. Xtina's fake tits look amazing against her bony ribcage! My only issue with it is the slightly dated production and the fact that it doesn't really fit the rest of the album. This is the epitome of a hot mess.

Woo Hoo (ft. Nicky Minaj)

"Woo Hoo" is another Polow da Don production but it couldn't sound more different from "Not Myself Tonight". This time around, the superstar tries to re-connect with the urban pop crowd by roping in rap diva du jour Nicky Minaj (she's ok but bitch is no Khia) and singing about her pussy. It's forced and more than a little embarrassing but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it. The chorus is fun and the lyrics should connect with drunk whores from Berlin to Bankstown. Which makes its inability to dent the charts all the more perplexing. Are the kids over Xtina or does the song just need a softcore porn video to take off?

Elastic Love

Christina's first celebrity songwriting collaboration is with underground icon MIA. I had high hopes for this but the result is utter shit. The electro sound is more in tune with the album's supposed theme but the song goes nowhere. The lyrics are meaningless and the production is Peaches circa "Fatherfucker". I suspect MIA was taking the piss and Xtina's head was too far up her cunt to notice.

Desnudate

Christopher "Tricky" Stewart is one of my favourite urban pop producers despite torpedoing Mimi's career by re-recording the same song ten times on "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel" and "Desnudate" is much needed injection of fun. I love it when Xtina unleashes her inner Latina and this is the kind of catchy, upbeat fluff the album is sorely missing. The brass is great and any lyrics with the word 'papi' in them are OK by me!

Love & Glamour (Intro)

I thought Janet's last three mega-flop albums had finally killed intros once and for all. No?

Glam

Another Tricky effort, "Glam" is a throbbing little electro number that will no doubt be the soundtrack to many a drag queen walk off. It's expertly produced high camp trash and I can imagine Xtina listening to this every morning as she applies her make-up with a trowel and spray gun. I'd normally put this down as decent filler but given the lack of competition it's almost single worthy.

Prima Donna

Tricky's third straight collaboration is a pointless re-hash of "Fighter" with bad lyrics about Xtina ruling the world. Not with this shit, bitch.

Morning Desert (Intro)

It disturbs me to think this is dedicated to Jordan Bratman. Dude must be hung like a donkey because you couldn't pay me to wake up next to him, let alone serve him 'morning desert'.

Sex For Breakfast

Yuck. I usually love a good slut anthem but this is just rancid. "Sex For Breakfast" reminds me of the filth polluting every album Janet has released since 1996. Slow, boring and way too much information.

Lift Me Up

By this point, I was almost ready to throw my copy of "Bionic" out the window but - mercifully - the second half is considerably less shit than the first. Take this Linda Perry penned gem. The album was crying out for its own "Beautiful" or "Hurt" and "Lift Me Up" does nicely. It's almost a shock to hear Christina sing something meaningful after so much rubbish about woo hoos and morning sex. This is a potent reminder of why Xtina doesn't need to jump on the latest trend. She has God given talent. I love her voice on this.

My Heart (Intro)

Christina's husband and son make a cameo on this intro. Cute but pointless.

All I Need

Ever since it was announced that Australia's favourite ex-lesbian was working with Xtina on "Bionic", I suspected they could come up with something amazing. And I was wrong. While Sia's tracks are widely regarded as the album's saving grace, I have to disagree. They are very pretty and a welcome relief after the tidal wave of crap that precedes them but these all sound like Sia B-sides. She has since moved on to a fabulous nu-disco sound, so why is Christina wasting her time on her shabby seconds? "All I Need" is nice. And that's not the adjective I expected to be using when I first heard that these titans had joined forces.

I Am

This is my favourite Sia/Christina collaboration. Unlike the other two, this has something quintessentially Aguilera about it. "I Am" also has a rawness that reminds me of "Stripped". The diva spends so much of "Bionic" hiding behind her new robotastic persona and celebrity songwriters that it's easy to forget that she knows her way around an insightful lyric when she puts her mind to it. Simple but beautiful.

You Lost Me

Pretty piano, great lyrics and beautiful vocal delivery. I've just heard it all before on an album called "Some People Have Real Problems".

I Hate Boys

Polow da Don returns for a trashtastic jam about bad boys. This would be a hot tune for a 15 year old newcomer but I'm not sure it's suitable for a happily married 30 year old mother. That said, it is vintage pop trash and I love the tacky lyrics. I really can't decide if I love it or hate it. I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt and lead towards the former.

My Girls (ft. Peaches)

Peaches should be ashamed. As should Le Tigre. Seriously, this is fucking dreadful.

Vanity

And the award for the album's guiltiest pleasure goes to "Vanity". I know this hot mess is all kinds of shit but I love it! The tragic lyrics make me laugh ("now I take myself to be my lawfully wedded bitch!" and "if the shoe fits, wear it bitch!"), the chorus is annoyingly catchy and her son's cameo is so tacky and inappropriate it hurts. Please release this crap as the next single.

Monday Morning

Santigold's contribution to the album is very low key but I like it more each time I hear it. The shouty chorus is fun and the verses flow seamlessly. "Monday Morning" isn't particularly memorable but it's interesting filler.

Bobblehead

This is easily my favourite bonus track. It's cheap, tacky and clearly aimed at the lowest common demoninator - ie. me. In fact, "Bobblehead" is one of the few tracks that could actually be a hit. It's just stupid and inane enough to be a radio smash. Dumb sluts and cheap bimbos around the world have a new anthem.

Birds Of Prey

Hmmm. Another highly anticipated collaboration (this time with Ladytron) turns out to be a stinker. Bertie Blackman did this first and better.

Stronger Than Ever

Another Sia ballad. This has grown on me rather spectacularly. It's less sedate than the other three and allows Christina exercise her pipes. The lyrics are also clearly autobiographical. I just wish there was more of this on "Bionic".

I Am (Stripped)

"I Am" sounds even better in its acoustic form. If you're going to shell out $20 for this musical trainwreck (or $60 for the amazingly beautiful fan edition if you're a sucker like me), go for the Deluxe Edition. The bonus tracks are worth having.

Little Dreamer

The album's iTunes only bonus track is a perky little electro-pop number courtesy of Ladytron. "Little Dreamer" is very cute and I kind of love it. Why wasn't it on the standard album? Whoever oversaw this project was either on very good or very bad drugs. Anyway, give it a listen below.

5.5/10

Pop Panel 2010 - Week 7

Sometimes the Pop Panel is about as enjoyable as explosive diarrhea or Christina Aguilera's latest album. The damn thing takes ages to put together and it's not easy to constantly unearth trashtastic gems of this lofty calibre! However, tonight's Panel was one of the fun ones. It's great to have a couple of old friends return to the fold and the song selection was interesting to say the least. There's some commercial pop, low brow trash and even - dare I say it - a touch of class. The result is a bit of shock and, in retrospect, maybe a draw would have been a fairer outcome but tough shit. Here are the judges/Cody hating bitches responsible for our shock winner:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
The Prophet (Aus) writer of The Prophet

I'm also happy to welcome two of my favourite bloggers back to the Pop Panel:

Rob (UK) of the legendary Don't Stop The Pop.

and

MuuMuse (US) of MuuMuse fame.

Both have been sorely missed! As usual songs are ranked from lowest to highest.

Cody Simpson ft. Flo Rida – iYiYi (Video)

Australia's answer to Justin Bieber appears to have a hit on his hands.

D'Luv: Whoever this little girl is, she should know that Flo Rida rapping “I-yi-yi can’t get enough of kissing you” at the beginning of the song is just downright creepy, in a pedo kind of way. Annoyingly, I find myself not hating this after a couple listens. Hopefully Cody makes enough cash off this to buy herself a nice pair of tits by the time she turns 16. 2/5
Mike: The greatest male talent to emerge from our shores since Peter Andre! If this was released by someone with pubic hair - all you bitches would be lapping it up. Sad haters! 4/5
MuuMuse: You know, I always hoped that a bubbly prepubescent Australian would re-release Keri Hilson's "Knock You Down." "When you're thinking of me, text 1-4-3, that means I love you, girl." Swooning all over the place. 1/5
Paul: Oh just fuck right off. 0/5
Rob: Remember that crevice of scum that is so dirty even cockroaches would turn their heads in disgust i mentioned in relation to "My First Kiss". This is even worst than that. This is more toxic than the insides contained in the sarcophagus of Chernobyl. 0/5
The Prophet: I don't care about Bieber AT ALL and I've only heard his songs by mistake, but this Cody kid is so lame for trying to jack his swag. Stupid thieving flop! Bieber does songs with Ludacris, Cody does songs with Flo-Rida. See the difference? 0/5
Total: 7/30

3OH!3 ft Ke$ha – My First Kiss (Video)

Queen of pop returns with another collaboration.

D'Luv: This should have been way more exciting. Then again, that would require the absence of 3OH!3. The only reason "My First Kiss" didn’t get a zero is because Ke$ha’s angelic vocals appear on this waste of anybody’s three minutes. 1.5/5
Mike: Hmmm. I like it. Ke$ha brings her own unique brand of class and dignity to the proceedings and the chorus is catchy. Not bad. 3/5
MuuMuse: This sounds just like their other single, "Don't Trust Me." Except with herpes. 2/5
Paul: Dreadful. Ke$ha sounds bored, probably because she only earnt the dollar in her name for contributing to this atrocious mess. When did it become ok to make shouty pop with no regard for melody or tune? Or has it always been that way? I feel like I have an inner ear infection and that this malady is affecting how this comes across but no - it's just shit. 1/5
Rob: I like Ke$ha. I hate this. Reminds me of the scum you see collecting around the crevices of the gutter. Utter bollocks. 0/5
The Prophet: I absolutely despise these losers 3OH!3, but Queen Ke$ha's presence can turn any trash into treasure! 3/5
Total: 10.5/30

Vengaboys & Perez Hilton – Rocket To Uranus (Video)

Title says it all really.

D'Luv: I never thought I’d see the day when I’d suddenly regard Vengaboys past “work” as brilliant (by comparison). 0/5
Mike: 2000's "The Platinum Album" is a pop trash masterpiece that I still occasionally drag out to annoy those around me but their comeback is horribly contrived. I have my fingers crossed this is a hit (in Mongolia or Ethiopia) because I know they can do better and want another album of high camp fabulousness. 2/5
MuuMuse: It's tough...the makers of "We Like To Party," coupled with Perez Hilton? It hurts me. A lot. Best when served pre-21st century. 3/5
Paul: I feel slightly nauseous at this cheap gimmicky song both aurally and visually. Mainly because I take great pains to avoid that Perez Hilton character and seeing him pop up on the screen and in the song made my kidneys somersault with hideousity. This makes me long for simpler times when the vengabus was in town and it wasn't all cheap sex gags. This makes Carry On films look like masters of subtlety and class. 2/5
Rob: At least this song strives to be something the likes of Blake have forgotten when producing pop: fun! & the song is actually trying its best. And pop is often said to be about fun. But the fun in "Rocket To Uranus" is very forced. Could do better Vengaboys. You know you can. Look at Alcazar and learn. 2/5
The Prophet: Anything with that cunt Perez Hilton automatically gets a ZERO, but since this is about anal sex and Pete Burns is in the video then it HAS to get a FIVE. 5/5
Total: 14/30

Rima S – Love To Love You Baby (below)

Asian's second hottest tranny (after La Chiquitta) releases her debut single.

D'Luv: In all seriousness, this isn’t a bad arrangement! If only Lady Gaga’s video was remotely this much fun. The very essence of pop trash. 3/5
Mike: Nothing gets me going quite like a fat tranny! 5/5
MuuMuse: Well, I guess this is the first song that does make a case for over-the-top AutoTune usage. The video is clearly lifting from Lady Gaga. 0.5/5
Paul: What a brilliant name. I assume it refers to a particular tongue based skill the singer has. Pity she hasn't applied that skill to singing in any way shape or form, because she manages to make this song sound particularly sexless. Honestly Doris Day seems like she'd be a better seductress at this point. She needs to take some hints from Holestar! 1/5
Rob: Bollocks. You see this is where her Spanish rival succeeds so well. La Prohibida takes songs to the next level. This is nothing but drivel that refuses to be sexy. Seriously failure for the original was viagra on acid. Nice sample of "I Feel Love" though. For this it gets 2/5.
The Prophet: Oh look, that fat cow Beyonce has released yet another music video. It's actually the best thing she's done in years though! 4/5
Total: 15.5/30

The Wanted – All Time Low (Video)

UK's newest and sexiest boyband.

D'Luv: This decade’s V. 2/5
Mike: The song is utter rubbish but the guy with the shaved head and stubble gives me wood, so I'm giving it a generous 1/5.
MuuMuse: I'm aroused. 5/5
Paul: Grown up pop sound akin to Take That? Check. Muted colour scheme that is complementary of each other yet doesn't quite match? Check. Parade of sexy boys who look like they know all 21 positions in a one night stand? Check. The tune is quite smart and catchy, so it would be nice to have a boyband to rival JLS new vocoderrific sound. I particularly like the bit at 2 mins 10 where it all goes a bit rave a la JLS "One Shot". 3.5/5
Rob: Musically sounds a bit like what the singer Tyler James might be releasing if he was still signed to a label. I am seriously not sure what to make of this. So I'll give it the benefit of the doubt. 3/5
The Prophet: Please throw out the two ugly ones, then turn this video into a bukkake session featuring me as the main star. I'll give them a point for each hot member. 3/5
Total: 17.5/30

Blake McGrath – The Night (Only Place To Go) (Video)

One of Britney's dancers launches a pop career.

D'Luv: There are better things Blake should be doing with his mouth than singing. 1/5
Mike: How embarrassing for Britney that her backing dancers have more charisma and vocal ability than she does. Anyway, I love this in a white Taio Cruz for the gay crowd kind of way. The video is also surprisingly effective if you ignore the scene at 1:40 mins where Blake dances in a dress. WTF? 4/5
MuuMuse: Oh, Blake. My sexy, scrumptious, Britney back-up dancing Blake. How I love thee. This song works for him, and I have a feeling he might actually make something of himself in the dance community. Just don't stop dancing, boy. 4.5/5
Paul: It's quite intriguing, slick and sleek boy pop and I always appreciate that. The video is bizarre but the choreography is decent. It's more of a grower than a bam-spaff-in-your-face-instant-classic but after a few listens it's hard to shake from your brain. 3/5
Rob: Another singer that has his voice autotuned within a inch of its life. Come on popstars, have some emotion in your voice. Once more with feeling, please. This is boring boring boring. 0/5
The Prophet: I absolutely LOVE this song! The song sounds current, but the vibe reminds me of like really late 90's/early 2000's. Also, the video is incredible. 5/5
Total: 17.5/30

Lady Gaga – Alejandro (Video)

The 3rd single from "The Fame Monster".

D'Luv: There are many things going on here, and I feel like this is a turning point in this broad’s career. On one hand, this was one of my favorite songs off The Fame Monster when it came out. And I still wasn’t sick of it all these months later — until the dreary video came out. Lady Gaga used to be a good time, but now she just seems depressed, lonely and alienated from the notion that at least some of the time pop should be fun. Anyway, fair’s fair, and my score is based on the song itself. 4/5
Mike: What D'Luv said. Musically, Gaga is yet to put a foot wrong but image-wise... I think she may have finally jumped the shark. 4.5/5
MuuMuse: It's just refreshing to see that a quality pop act like Ace of Base were able to make a comeback in a very natural way. And what's more, I can't believe Madonna agreed to guest star in their video for the track. A true pop phenomenon! 4/5
Paul: It seems futile to resist G'Gah any longer, but yet I continue to do so. Something about her irritates me both irrationally and incessantly. Some of her music is quite smart though and this is up with her best. It's a touch of Abba with a heavy helping of La Isla Bonita and a generous dollop of Wheel of Fortune/Ace of Base. For that reason, some clever lyrical bits and a chorus that won't quit it gets 4/5.
Rob: I am going to put aside all her smokes and mirrors. This includes the video. Stripping it down to the song itself. Nothing more and nothing less. Ace of Base mashed up with Ute Lemper and Madonna. This emerges into one of the finest records Lady GaGa has ever made. 4/5
The Prophet: The song isn't as good as the video, but it's catchy. Really though, anything is better than "Telephone". 4/5
Total: 24.5/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Morcheeba – Even Though (below)

90s icons return with the first single from their 7th album.

D'Luv: Beautiful song. Beautiful video. Good luck coming up with a visual this classy for “iYiYi,” Cody Simpson! 4/5
Mike: Sublime. It reminds me of smoking pot to the glorious strains of "Big Calm" in my best friend's garage circa 1998. As you can tell, I was an extremely adventurous foetus! I'm so happy Skye re-joined the band. Her voice is the heart and soul of Morcheeba and "Even Though" is a warm embrace of a song that should be shared with your man, lady, beloved pet or favourite fuck buddy. 5/5
MuuMuse: This is quite lush. I've always respected a woman who can carry a tune... underwater. 4/5
Paul: It's all very pleasant and lovely isn't it? She has such a charming vocal style and everything about the tune is ethereal and relaxing to the point of almost not happening for me. But it exudes such a delightful aura that I can't help but be smitten. 3.5/5
Rob: Gorgeous. I've been playing this all weekend. The video is simple and divine. Thank you Morcheeba. No stupid diversions. No gimmicks. Just very good music. Very good music. 5/5
The Prophet: Stunning! I love the red water! 3.5/5
Total: 25/30