The Return Of Scarlett Belle

Australia's most tragic newest girlband is back with their second single! I featured the gruesome twosome's debut on the Pop Panel a couple of months ago and was ashamed to admit that I rather liked it. Well, "Freak Tonight" is even more perversely enjoyable than "Closure" - so I guess that makes me a very reluctant fan. How embarrassing! Seriously, these girls are all kinds of wrong. And I'm not just talking about their bad weaves and penchant for over-emoting in music videos. Their songs sound like they were stolen from the recycle bin on Keri Hilson's laptop and the whole urban vibe is about as convincing as Lady Gaga's humility at this year's VMAs. And yet, I can't help but find them amusing. It doesn't hurt that "Freak Tonight" is a cover of song I like. Released in 2009, Israel's version got some airplay in Australia but never really took off the way it should. A pity because he was rockin' that Taio Cruz sound before anyone! Happily, the girls asked him to rap on their interpretation and it just adds to the... experience. I'm told Reigan and Tamara are getting ready to film the video next week. They need to hurry up. "Freak Tonight" is already top 40 on iTunes and looks like it could be their breakthrough hit. Good luck to them.

Rozlyne Clarke - A Tribute

I've been meaning to write about Rozlyne Clarke since I first started this blog but I kept postponing it because I didn't know where to start. It's like trying to cover La Toya's iconic, hit filled career in one post! All of the legendary diva's stunning anthems deserve their own in depth analysis but I'm notoriously bad at keeping on track when it comes to extended features - see my failed Barbra Streisand guide or tragic Wasted Singles serial - so I've done my best to cram in everything. I just hope I can do justice to this amazing talent. So who is Rozlyne Clarke? Possibly the most fabulous Australian pop star of the 1990s. Which makes it even more of a scandal that nobody knows who the hell she is outside of France. Yes bitches, Rozlyne is the original Tina Arena! A nobody in Perth but a star in Paris (well, about 15 years ago). Let me explain.

The glamorous Sydneysider first made a name for herself in the late 80s, winning roles in hit musicals like Sugar Babies and Starlight Express. That lead to Roz being offered starring roles in Europe. It was during a performance of Cats in France that Nicolas Skorsky (a music producer) was thunderstruck by the Australian's exquisite beauty and otherworldly vocal talent. Anyway, that guy obviously knew his shit because he hired Roz to sing on a dance track he had written called "Eddy Steady Go". A camp floorfiller with indecipherable lyrics about having a three way (or is it riding on the freeway?), bizarre vocal effects not seen since the glory days of Boney M and an infectious chorus that basically consists of Rozlyne screaming "Are you ready Eddy steady go? Eddy go home!", the song shot to #1 on the French club chart and peaked at #8 on the Singles Chart. The cultural capital of the world was clearly smitten by the Australian songbird and she was called back to record an album with Skorsky. Appropriately enough, Rozlyne's debut was called "Gorgeous".

As far as 90s Eurodance albums go, "Gorgeous" is pretty hard to beat. It only has 9 tracks - 8 if you bought the original French release - but this is a case of all killer, no filler. What makes the album special is the variety. There is enough low brow Euro-fabulousness to satisfy even the most demanding trash lover but Roz also throws in some unexpected ballads and co-writes one of the campest songs I have ever heard. But more about that masterpiece later. The title track was released as the album's second single and it was another club smash and followed "Eddy Steady Go" into the French top 20. I'm not convinced by the dubious lyrics ("Wanna be the prettiest, wanna be extremely gorgeous" - LOL!) but Rozlyne's pipes are in breathtaking form and I love the production. Make sure you check out the classy video for the full "Gorgeous" experience. The hits kept coming with "Dancin' Is Like Makin' Love", which is easily my favourite (hit) single from Roz's debut. Another top 20 smash in France (peaking at #16), this catchy jam is a pure pop explosion. Again the lyrics are first class - "remote my control, use me like a toy!" - and the production sums up all that was beautiful about 90s house. It's a miracle Kate Ryan hasn't butchered this classic for her own devious purposes! Brace yourself for one of the best "live" performances ever in the history of television (below). The audio isn't synced but Rozlyne's effortless grace and fierce dance moves will leave you in a trance. This is YouTube gold!

The rest of the album is just as amazing. "Still Waiting For Your Call" is a tender ballad that reminds me of La Toya's classic "I Don't Want You To Go". If it were a showtune. Roz brings a bit of funk to the mid-tempo "Stepping Out Of Line" but goes completely hood on the urbantastic "Never Started Loving You". I think Rozlyne missed her calling as the original Fem C because her fierce rhymes put Lil' Kim to shame. "Single Again" is another floorfiller for dance fans, while "Certain Nights" is truly a ballad for the ages. Who doesn't feel the tortured diva's pain when she sings "certain nights I cry by the window, certain nights I just can't hide my sorrow"? Rozlyne was clearly robbed of an Ivor Novello award! That leaves the album's undisputed highlight. The title probably tell you everything you need to know about "Wizard Of Roz". There is some dispute as to whether it was an official single - some fans insist it was just released on 12" vinyl as a club promo - but there's no denying the song's genius. A camp, slightly bizarre and strangely touching ode to her father, "Wizard Of Roz" is an enduring trash classic that deserves a wider following. Give it a listen at the bottom of this post.

In 1993 "Eddy Steady Go" was re-released in France, becoming a hit all over again. Sadly, it was to be Rozlyne's last appearance on the French singles chart. The club hits, on the other hand, would follow for the rest of the decade. 1994 saw the release of "Giving Up, Giving In" - the same Three Degrees classic that Sheena Easton later covered on her epic "Fabulous" album. Like Sheena, Roz couldn't give her version away and she went back to the drawing board. "Take My Hand" fared considerably better the following year. A top 20 club smash, the infectious dance anthem is one of the best songs in Rozlyne's canon of hits. The production is more electronic than her earlier offerings and the chorus is an absolute monster. That was followed by the house-tastic, disco-tinged "Knockin' Me Out" (another top 20 club hit in France) later that year and the insanely catchy "I Wanna See You" in 1996. As far as I know, the latter is the only Roz anthem to be released in her homeland. There could be others but I've been looking for years and it's the only Australian CD single I've come across.

Speaking of fruitless endeavours, I've been trying to get my hands on Rozlyne's second album for over a decade. Despite her stunning success in France, "Faithful To You" was only released in Belgium and is almost impossible to find. If anyone has this treasure sitting in their collection, I would do just about anything to hear it. Someone out there must have it - I'm convinced it's lining every bargain bin in Brussels! While lesser divas would have given up, Roz went on to score three more French dance hits. "I Need You" reached #20 on the club chart in 1996, while "Ecoute Bien Ces Mots" went all the way to #4. Unfortunately, neither crossed over to the mainstream and Rozlyne released her last single "Quel Tempérament De Feu/I'm On Fire" in 1997. Fittingly it became a top 20 club hit in France. I guess that leaves us with the question - where is she now? And the answer is a happy one. Roz got married and moved back to Australia. I believe she's now a professional make-up artist and just as gorgeous as ever. I'm happy the Queen of French clubs has found her calling but I really wish she would come out of retirement. At least on a part time basis. After all, she's only 42 - a month younger than Kylie - and the diva's amazing Hi-NRG sound is as timeless as her beauty. Rozlyne, we miss you!

My favourite Roz anthem

The Next Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP?

Given the stunning worldwide success of "We Speak No Americano", it's not surprising that other acts are jumping on Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP's novelty song bandwagon. So far the most likely candidate to snatch their crown is Duck Sauce. Comprised of super DJs Armand Van Helden and A-Trak, the band has been making huge waves with their ridiculous catchy disco house anthem "Barbra Streisand". The song rocked this year's Winter Music Conference in Miami and has been picked up by major labels around the world. More surprising is the impact it's having on mainstream radio. "Barbra Streisand" is already top 50 on the Australian airplay chart and looks set to rocket into the top 40 this week. Personally, I can't get enough of these random novelty songs. Particularly when they are this catchy and name check a holy gay icon like Babsi! Although it begs the question - when is Jive Bunny going to come out of retirement and show these bitches how it's really done? On that happy note, treat your ears to "Barbra Streisand" (below).

Friday Flashback - Miami Mix Madonna

There must be something wrong with me. Hating on Madonna is usually one of my favourite past times but lately I've found myself re-visiting some of the old troll's less grating moments. Like her cover of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" - or more specifically, the trashtastic Miami Mix. I don't know what it is about this camp mess but every time I hear it, I get the urge to build a time machine out of unsold copies of "Hard Candy" and travel back to 1997. You know, to an era when Madonna was still fun and didn't think twice about ruining a much loved classic of musical theatre in order to please the gays. And it worked. The Miami Mix was an Oxford Street smash and even crossed over to mainstream radio, pushing the song into the top 10 at a time when the poor man's Stacey Q couldn't buy a hit in Australia. In fact, listening to these 4 and a half glorious minutes of pure ridiculousness, I can't help but feel that Madonna's finest moments should be collated for eternity. Perhaps a compilation of her 90s trash classics? I'd throw in "Thief Of Hearts" and "Human Nature" for starters. Trust me, it would sell more than the "Immaculate Collection"!

Emily Osment > Miley + Britney = Fact

Jacques (The Prophet) has been spamming my inbox with Emily for the past few weeks. At first, I thought she was just another one of his horrible obsessions (like Tea Tea or Kimberly Wyatt) and ignored him but I eventually gave in. And I'm kind of glad I did. In case you're not a 15 year old girl or as gay as I am, Emily Osment is best known for playing Miley's friend Lily in the Hannah Montana series. And like every other ho on the Disney channel, someone thought it would be a great idea to give her a record deal. Not that I'm complaining. Emily is definitely up there with the legendary Ashley Tisdale and genre defining Vanessa Hudgens as one of the best C List teen sensations ever to release an autotuned flop.

Unfortunately, the aspriring diva's latest single "Let's Be Friends" has been making waves online for all the wrong reasons. Some deluded haters have accused Emily of jumping on Miley's teen whore bandwagon by sexing it up on her second album, while jealous Brit Brit fans have declared the song a "Radar" rip off. Bitches, please. Miley wishes she had Emily's raw sex appeal and as for that alleged sex offender, "Let's Be Friends" is better than 80% of "Circus" - so back the fuck off! Disappointingly, the new Queen of teen pop can't seem to give her shit away but don't let that stop you reveling in her fabulous glory. Emily's jam is seriously catchy and would probably be #1 for weeks if someone less talented recorded it. Emilegend, we love you!

Kimbra Goes Electro

Kimbra is currently being hailed by the street press as Australia's next big thing. Which is amusing because she's actually from New Zealand. While I'm not ready to throw away my Dannii CDs and jump on that bandwagon just yet, I do love her debut single. "Settle Down" is one of the quirkiest pop songs of 2010. It's cute, kooky and (after the third or fourth listen) very, very catchy. More importantly, the amazing video features a wall of dolls and a creepy little girl doing housework - so I'm sold! Kimbra has spent the past few months working on her album but also found the time to lend her golden pipes to Miami Horror's new floorfiller "I Look To You". Though sadly not a Whitney Houston cover, the track is still a rather lovely shot of disco infused electro. It's a nice change of pace for the eclectic diva. Usually a purveyor of Kate Miller-Heidke/Sarah Blasko-esque organic pop, Kimbra takes to her new genre like Lilo to cocaine. I just hope there are some harder remixes because "I Look To You" is perhaps a little too dreamy for radio and the clubs. The video is also well worth a look. Sure, it owes a large debt to Empire of the Sun but the trippy colours and spacey special effects suit the track perfectly. I can't wait to see what she does next!

Brandy's Forgotten Gem

Brandy is one of my favourite 90s has beens. Don't get me wrong. She's no Monica or Tamia but songs like "I Wanna Be Down", "Baby" and "Have You Ever?" are guilty pleasures that I still occasionally dig out. Since her late 90s hey day, the diva's output has been fairly hit and miss. 2004's "Afrodisiac" was as shit as the title suggests but I thought 2008's "Human" was a stunning return to form. Unfortunately, no one else agreed and the album became the biggest flop of Brandy's career. It's a pity because the underrated opus houses at least one minor pop masterpiece. Written and produced by Bruno Mars and Darkchild, "Long Distance" is the kind of overwrought (in a good way) ballad that makes me want to listen to early Mariah and air grab for Australia. However, as much as I love the album version, my true allegiance lies with the brilliant Jody Den Broeder remix. This is one of those rare ballads that translates seamlessly into a dance anthem without losing the sentiment that made it special in the first place. "Long Distance" still packs an emotional punch and the lyrics get me every time. I just prefer to be sad to the sound of heavy house beats! File this under 'songs that should have been massive'.