The most terrifying pop song... EVER

Now this is some scary shit. Just when I thought I'd seen it all, along comes a 13-year-old boy with a creepy hymn set to banging techno beats not heard since the glory days of Ya Kid K. Normally I'd be amused but "Mary Did You Know" is frightening on so many levels. Not in the least because little Johnny Hammer reminds me of Damien from The Omen - if he had been brought up by a gay uncle with a killer collection of S'Express vinyls. Then there's the chilling video and almost ominous lyrics. But the most disturbing thing about this future floorfiller - well, apart from it actually being kind of catchy ("baaaaaaby booooy") - is the fact that it's not a piss take. Technopraise is an American collective that specialises in Christian dance music. You know, for those moments when you feel like getting a little closer to Jesus by hitting up the club. I want to hate this but I'm completely hypnotised by its grandiose awfulness and eagerly away the next smash from the Justin Bieber of holy electro. Praise him before he eats your soul!

Is Pattyboy the worst pop star of all time?

That was a rhetorical question because the answer is clearly yes! Pattyboy is the hottest mess to grace Pop Trash Addicts in its long and sordid history. With the voice of an unautotuned Kim Kardashian, dance moves that Katherine Hepburn perfected shortly before leaving this mortal coil and a wardrobe of outfits that look like rejects from Perez Hilton's short lived fashion line, this gay drags pop music to shocking new depths. But I'm not gonna hate. In fact, New Zealand's self-proclaimed male Lady Gaga - I just can't - is my new hero! It takes balls of steel (or a mental illness) to put yourself out there with this little talent and, let's face it, his music is still probably better than half of "Born This Way".

Take his amazing breakthrough hit "Disco Erection". The stunning club banger finds Pattyboy doing aerobics in his mother's old lyrca gym shorts on the floor of a nightclub while singing saying classy lyrics like "drink it up, bend and suck, get fucked". Doesn't it make you proud to be gay? No? Well, how about his glorious gay pride anthem "Wear Your Colours"? I might need to lay off the marijuana but I actually think there's a nice song hiding somewhere inside this heinous trainwreck. It has a sweet message and is a radical improvement on "Disco Erection" but Pattyboy's non-existent vocal ability and criminal dress sense ensure this will be another entry on the worst songs of all time countdown. Shame. As shit as he is, I'm kind of glad the taste-blind Kiwi is deluded enough to keep at it. And, truth be told, I can't wait to see what new depth he plumbs next!

Xelle - My New Favourite Girlband!

I love a quality girlband as much as the next gay but for every Las Supremas de Móstoles there are ten rancid shit heaps like Girls Aloud and The Saturdays. Happily, newcomers Xelle definitely fall into the former category. These lovely ladies have the voices of (fallen) angels, sex appeal to burn and an overabundance of glamour not seen since the glory days of Martha Wash and the Weather Girls. They are also a girlband with a twist. You see, one of the members has a doodle and first came to fame on Season 3 of RuPaul's amazing Drag Race. Needless to say, Mimi Imfurst is my favourite member but JC Cassis and Rony Goffer more than hold their own. Particularly, JC. Just watch this defining video of her destroying vastly improving Michael Jackson's "Man In The Mirror" in a gimp mask. Toy Toy would give her personal seal of approval! But back to Xelle. The talented divas have just unveiled their debut single and video clip. "Party Girl", written and produced by Zach Adam, is a fun pop tune in the vein of Ke$ha, Gaga and their army of imitators. It's extremely catchy and I love Mimi's rap! The video is just as fabulous. Xelle take over a subway car and leave a bunch of lucky commuters breathless with their stunning outfits and gravity defying choreography. Watch in awe as the ladies show the pretenders how it's done!

Kristine Elezaj - Warpath

If you're hungry for more Heidi Montag or gagging for Kaci Battaglia's next high brow anthem, then I have the diva for you. Kristine Elezaj is my new obsession. She has it all. Stunning natural beauty, a loyal following in the rally car racing community - I'm not making this up! - and a way with words that will leave you breathless. Take her latest aluminium selling iTunes smash "Warpath", which contains the already iconic lyric:

I saw that trick that you was with last night, she was Justin Bieber's look-a-like!

DEFINING. She also manages to rhyme 'place' with 'ass', which takes imagination and talent. But I digress. "Warpath" is the kind of Britney knock off that Emily Osment would kill for. It sounds like something from "Circus" - if that album was fun and not full of boring filler. I love Kristine's attitude and find this future trash classic genuinely fabulous. Now she just has to unveil the months in the making video clip. You can watch a 40 second preview of it here. What's with the delay? The song was released August! Oh well, I'm sure it will be worth the wait. Check out "Warpath" (below) and help a girl out by downloading her shit legally. I think I'm in love.

KaraMel - My New Favourite Girlband

1 2 3 4 - get your undies on the floor!

Sorry it's been so long between posts but sometimes shit just happens. The prospect of catching up on everything was kind of overwhelming but then I saw this magnificent clip posted on Facebook (thanks, Joe!) and I just knew it would be perfect for my return. As far as I know, KaraMel could already be an internet sensation but I'm yet to see them get any blog loving. Which is astounding because "Underwear" is absolutely irresistible. If Ke$ha cloned herself and formed a girlband that spent all day listening to Daphne & Celeste's stunning back catalogue of hits for inspiration, I'm convinced they would something like this. KaraMel's debut is a bit naughty, unashamedly trashy and extremely fucking catchy. In other words - just how I like my pop! There's not a lot of information about this delicious duo but I think they hail from Canada and the girls are called Kara and Mel. Hence their classy band name. According to their bio they are also "getting ready to put out a debut album that will redefine the dance-pop genre". I can hardly wait! While we for KaraMel to reinvent popular music as we know it, check out their fabulous video. I love their bad dancing and the array of semi-naked men. Why isn't this a worldwide number one smash?

Zayra - Baby Likes To Bang

I've been meaning to write about Zayra for months. She first appeared on my pop trash radar earlier this year when "V.I.P." started making waves on the US dance chart. The song eventually became a top 5 club hit and hasn't left the 'recently played' playlist on my iPod ever since. So who is this mysterious diva? Well, I know she's gorgeous and hails from Puerto Rico. I'm also aware that she came to fame on the reality TV show Supernova in 2006 and released a couple of Spanish language albums in the early noughties. But things get a bit murky after that. The stunning Latina eventually re-emerged this year with a scorching hot dance sound and edgy new image. While "V.I.P" chronicled the trials and tribulations of being rich and beautiful, her latest single is a good old sex anthem. Not that you can actually hear or distinguish the lyrics. Zayra is too fabulous for anything as mundane and pedestrian as enunciating her words! The focus, rather, falls on the catchy chorus, thundering dance beats and stunning video clip (below) - which basically re-creates a Tarantio movie. Our glamorous heroine plays a bad arse bitch who saves a pair of bikini clad twins from a psycho killer. Amazing! Now bring on the remixes and let Zayra claim her throne as the new queen of dance.

Kimberley Cole - Smack You

Why isn't every blog on the net raving about Kimberley Cole's latest masterpiece? "Smack You" blows the pretenders out of the water with its amazing lyrics ("I'm gonna kick you right between the hips, 'cause you're such a catty bitch") and fabulous Lady Gaga on a budget production values. And that's not even touching on the 5 minute "Kill Bill" inspired video (video), which finds Kimmy beating the shit out of her lover's mistress after the ho has the audacity to say "I fucked yo man" over a friendly game of cards. The rudeness! To be honest I don't know that much about Kim. I have a feeling she's one of those internet sensations that have millions of followers on Twitter but no real career to speak of. However, that should all change very soon because this kind of talent can't be denied! A case in point is the song's lofty #32 position on the US club chart. Watch out, dance divas - there's a new girl on the block and she's not afraid to fight dirty! "Smack You" and its remix package are available to download now from iTunes.

Words Fail Me. Almost.

Seriously, Wendy. Buy yourself a douche! No one likes Mars Bar stains on the sheets. Now if only Delta would cover this stunning pop masterpiece on her next album...

David Hasselhoff's Daughters Launch Pop Career!

The day we've all been hoping and praying for has finally arrived. David Hasselhof has generously passed the batton of pop superstardom to his vocally challenged daughters. Yes! Hayley Amber and Taylor Ann - otherwise known as Bella Vida - are wisely following in their father's footsteps by terrorising delighting Germany with their debut single before conquering the rest of the world. It's not fair. They should have started with Australia. "Turn Up The Radio" is every bit as amazing as you would expect from the fruit of David's holy loins. The RedOne on a $10 budget production rocks my world, while the cheesy lyrics ("It's a hot track - hollaback - even if ya can't sing!") and catchy chorus ensure instant cult status for this auspicious debut. Best of all is the hilarious overuse of autotune. "Turn Up The Radio" makes Cher's "Believe" sound like a grassroots country album! Make sure you check out their recent performance on RTL (below). Taylor-Ann (the brunette) does a pretty good job at keeping a straight face but Hayley (a plus sized supermodel according to her bio) appears to have no idea where she is or what she's doing. I'm in love!

Sweden's Latest Trash Diva

The name Rebecca Stella might not mean anything to you (yet) but her face is probably familiar to most Scandipop fans. Stunning Bec first came to fame as one of the three buxom beauties chosen to front Swedish trash band Sunblock. Who will ever forget their cover of Robin Beck's "The First Time" or their amazing interpretation of Corona's "Baby Baby" - complete with low brow gay video? Since the demise of Sunblock, Rebecca has been a busy woman. She's become a blogging sensation in Sweden, modelled for Tierry Mugler and was rumoured to be fucking Darin for a while there. Oh and the blond beauty also found the time to record a slammin' electropop jam called "Swag In A Bag". Produced by Fireface, Bec's debut single is catchy in that slick Scandinavian way and boasts amazing lyrics like "poor to rich, rich to poor - get the Christian Dior, let's hit the store!" As you can tell it's extremely complex examination of the human condition. The crazy video (below) has been ridiculed by some but I think it's great. Why is every diva compared to Lady Gaga? She did not invent unflattering outfits and excessive eye make-up!

The Return Of Scarlett Belle

Australia's most tragic newest girlband is back with their second single! I featured the gruesome twosome's debut on the Pop Panel a couple of months ago and was ashamed to admit that I rather liked it. Well, "Freak Tonight" is even more perversely enjoyable than "Closure" - so I guess that makes me a very reluctant fan. How embarrassing! Seriously, these girls are all kinds of wrong. And I'm not just talking about their bad weaves and penchant for over-emoting in music videos. Their songs sound like they were stolen from the recycle bin on Keri Hilson's laptop and the whole urban vibe is about as convincing as Lady Gaga's humility at this year's VMAs. And yet, I can't help but find them amusing. It doesn't hurt that "Freak Tonight" is a cover of song I like. Released in 2009, Israel's version got some airplay in Australia but never really took off the way it should. A pity because he was rockin' that Taio Cruz sound before anyone! Happily, the girls asked him to rap on their interpretation and it just adds to the... experience. I'm told Reigan and Tamara are getting ready to film the video next week. They need to hurry up. "Freak Tonight" is already top 40 on iTunes and looks like it could be their breakthrough hit. Good luck to them.

German Prostitute Covers Sam Fox!

This blog has been way too classy lately. So instead of featuring yet another international superstar like Beyoncé or La Toya, I thought I'd get back to my trash roots by writing about Germany's latest pop icon. Daniela Katzenberger first came to fame on a reality TV show called "Goodbye Deutschland". The program follows Germans who move abroad to start new lives and Fraulein Katzenberger's dream of opening a cafe in Mallorca riveted the nation. I'm sure her popularity had nothing to do with her Barbie doll looks, plastic tits and penchant for wearing very little clothing. Yeah right. Anyway, someone had the brilliant idea of offering the shy and retiring flower a record deal and for that I'm eternally grateful. Daniela's amazing debut single is a cover of Samantha Fox's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now". Written and produced by Stock Aitken Waterman, the track was a UK top 10 hit for Sam back in 1987 and has gone on to become a firm fan favourite. Bitches who mess with the Fox usually face my wrath but I'll give Daniela a pass. Her version is almost disturbingly true to the original - with the exception of some much needed autotune - and she camps it up for all she's worth. Fuck Lena, Germany finally has a worthy successor to Blümchen's Queen of Pop throne! "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now" is released on the 27th of August. Pre-order the single from Amazon today!

Julissa Veloz Takes Control

As you can tell from the classy cover, Julissa Veloz is not exactly a shrinking violet. The stunning Latina first came to prominence on American Idol but is better known for being dumped when her voice gave out. Since then she's had the obligatory skank whore makeover and re-emerged as a fully fledged dance diva. It seems to have worked because Julissa's debut single climbs into the top 10 of the US dance chart this week. I love "Take Control". It's a bit cheap and tacky but I'm sure we can all identify with the diva's desire to be thrown around the bedroom and worked over by a real man. Julissa, you are preaching to the choir! The production could be sharper but the remixes are great and there's always room for another low budget club Queen. Just ask Kim Sozzi. While I'm feeling the song, the video is another matter. I know it's hard to come up with something memorable on a $10 budget but this looks like it was put together by a first year intern on their coffee break. Basically, Ju Ju (as I'm now calling her) pouts at the camera and gets a bit kinky with a scarf. This kind of laziness makes Ayna cry! At least the music is good...