Traci Lords' Last Drag

Traci Lords is back with new music! A stunning turn of events that will no doubt overshadow Madonna's comeback and force poor Rihanna into retirement. The underage-porn-star-turned-cult-actress is a true underground pop icon. Her 1995 opus "1000 Fires" remains one of my favourite dance albums of that decade and has rightly won a loyal following due to the 43-year-old's unusually dark and depressing lyrics. "Fallen Angel", in particular, holds up as brilliantly evocative anthem. One listen and I'm back holding a glow stick at a rave party!

Traci gave up on music in the mid-'90s to concentrate on acting but has released a couple of singles over the years, including a cute interpretation of Missing Persons' "Walking In L.A." - a song which Margo also covered last year. After a four year hiatus, the star of John Waters' Cry-Baby is back with "Last Drag". The track finds Traci in an unusually mainstream mood with a catchy pop/rock chorus and amazing smoking metaphors. I love it and am pleased to hear that it's already a #46 Billboard club smash. Take a listen to "Last Drag" below and download the soundtrack of Summer 2012 from iTunes now.

Janet Jackson - Up Close & Personal In Sydney

Contrary to popular belief, I like Janet. A lot. Of course, my loyalties lie with the thinking man's Jackson (ie. La Toya) but for most of the '90s her less attractive sister ranked as one of my favourite divas - right alongside Kylie, Whitney and Mariah. That admiration began to fade with the release of "All For You" and was pretty much gone by 2004's horrendous "Damita Jo" but time has not wearied the brilliance of albums like "Rhythm Nation 1814" and "Janet". The reason why I'm mentioning this is to communicate the fact that I'm not a rabid hater who went along to a very expensive concert just to trash it. I was looking forward to seeing Jan strut her stuff and enjoyed the show immensely. But there's no denying it was a sub-standard affair that painfully demonstrated just how awkwardly the '90s hitmaker fits into a Lady Gaga run world.

Let me explain. I felt much the same about seeing Whitney Houston in concert last year. While Nippy was a hot mess for very different reasons, they both struck me as legendary relics struggling to find their place in the new world order. That's not to say their fans didn't lap up each and every second or that newcomers can't appreciate their contribution to popular culture but, to be blunt, they just don't cut it anymore. I've seen better shows at RSL clubs than the spectacle (or lack thereof) that Janet put on last night. Before the Janatics bring out their voodoo dolls, I know the show is intended to be "up close and personal" - AKA "cheap and scaled back". And that would have been fine for a powerhouse vocalist but seeing a once legendary entertainer out of shape, failing to pull off simple dance moves and wearing the one outfit for the entire show was just depressing. By the end of the night she even had a triangular patch of vagina sweat on her jeans. Not pretty!

Even if you dismiss Number Ones as a lame, half-arsed tour she brought to Australia to pass the time until launching an all-conquering comeback, I still don't know how she'll fare. Lady Gaga and Beyoncé have upped the live ante by singing (well) and dancing like banshees. Rihanna and Katy Perry hide their vocal shortcomings with pyrotechnics and pomp. But miming along to a backing track, while dancing badly just won't cut it anymore unless you're Britney Spears. Janet is the Commodore 64 of pop but like that outdated and now obsolete computer, she is not without charm and managed to deliver a fun and entertaining show - largely on the strength of her killer back catalogue and general sweetness.

After playing "Runaway" on a big screen as a tribute to Sydney, Janet was greeted by a standing ovation from frenzied fans. She looked a bit dowdy in ill-fitting jeans and a white jacket but her face hasn't changed a bit since her hey day and she did a good job performing "The Pleasure Principle" - even though a large portion of the crowd obviously didn't know the words. The stage was completely bare apart from the band and dancers, which looked odd in a venue like the Opera House. I was hoping for some props or even a smoke machine to make it seem less bleak. They never came. But when you're hearing a childhood hero belt out "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" you soon forget about staging. I was almost as happy to hear "Feedback" live. It was sloppy and the first indication that the choreography wasn't quite up to scratch but I'm glad she didn't ignore "Discipline", which I actually think is quite an underrated album. The hits followed with anthems like "Miss You Much" and "Nasty", before Jan made a hasty exit.

During the first mini-break, the diva treated us to highlights from her acting career including a disturbing clip of her being abused on Good Times and the infamous punanie scene from Poetic Justice. It was odd and quite disconcerting. She returned to the stage, in the same sweat-stained clothes and knocked out a bunch of ballads including the still gorgeous "Again". She might have even sang a few notes over the backing tape on that one. Another break followed, accompanied by the tackiest screen projection I have ever seen at a concert. I'm convinced Janet made it herself using Windows Movie Maker. She returned after what felt like an eternity to sing "Escapade" - one of my all-time faves - followed by what is probably my favourite Miss Jackson tune, "Love Will Never Do (Without You)". It was a potent reminder of how impeccable her early material was. Less impressive was her lazy rendition of "When I Think Of You" but "Runaway" got a great reception as did "That's The Way Love Goes" - Janet's only Australian number one hit.

Seeing the diva perform "If" was a highlight for me (love it) but her version of "Scream" got a better reception from the audience. It was eerie seeing Michael on the big screen and Jan seemed to put in more effort for her murdered brother. La Toya would have been proud! She closed the show with "Rhythm Nation" but returned shortly thereafter to mime another of my favourites, "Together Again", while the screen showed old photos of Michael and Janet. The still amazing "All For You" then ended the pop icon's first Sydney show in almost 13 years. I'm sure Jan would have scoffed if you told her in 1998 that her next Australian tour would have involved one costume and a handful of tiny venues but I really enjoyed myself and her fans seemed happy. And while I left with the impression that she can't quite cut it anymore, I'm hoping she'll prove me wrong. Excuse me now while I go and listen to "Janet" for the third time today.

Luciana Heats Up Newcastle

A lot has happened since Luciana last blessed us with a visit. "I Like That" continued to make waves internationally long after it had achieved double platinum status in Australia and she featured on a bunch of well-received floorfillers - most notably Lethal Bizzle & Nick Bridges' "Go Go Go", which charted on the back of Neon Stereo's popular remix and Nari + Milani's amazing "I Got My Eye On U". And then came "I'm Still Hot". A number one US club smash and pop culture curiosity thanks to the camp-as-tits re-make with Betty White. That killer tune has also led the Queen of Electro back to our shores. With no real promotion or radio airplay, "I'm Still Hot" has surprised everyone by rocketing up Australian iTunes and, with a bit of luck, could turn out to be the much-loved dance diva's next crossover hit.

Given the buzz surrounding Luci's latest anthem, I wasn't surprised to find the King Street Hotel in Newcastle packed to the rafters last night. It was worth the two hour drive from Sydney just to see the punters' reaction when she hit the floor for a pre-show boogie! At around midnight she crammed into the tiny DJ booth and delivered a typically brilliant set. Mrs Clow began with an awesome rendition of "I Got My Eye On You" - easily one of my favourites singles of 2010. The song never got the love it deserved over here, which still annoys me. Next up was the evergreen "Yeah Yeah", followed by the track of the hour - "I'm Still Hot". I loved hearing it live for the first time and witnessing a small army of pissed girls chanting the lyrics bodes well for its future success. Luciana then closed the show "I Like That", almost falling out of the DJ booth with her broken doll dance moves. That song is still a shot of pure electro-adrenaline and almost tore the roof down.

Make sure you head along to Nevermind tonight. Luci will be performing at the final Disagraceland and I'm sure they plan to go out with a bang! If you can't make it or just need another dose of dance music royalty, watch "I'm Still Hot" below and download it from iTunes now.

The Beyoncé Doll From Hell

WHAT THE FUCK?

Soraya's Latest Triumph

Soraya has cemented her status as Europe's leading vocalist by dressing up as James Brown - complete with brown face - and covering "I Feel Good" on Spanish TV. Her version is so much better than the original. Is there anything this woman can't do? From coming 23rd at Eurovision to scoring a number 89 airplay hit in Russia, the pride of Extremadura has experienced more success in the past two years than your fave will in a life time! One question though. Where is the fucking "Stick Shift" video? And why have there been no further singles from "Dreamer"? I think the answer is clear. Soraya is simply too sexy for the European Union and conservative politicians have conspired to derail her triumphant career. The time has come for the pop legend to spread her wings and move to Australia where her talent will be appreciated. But maybe leave the brown paint in Spain. And hurry up and release "I Got You" or "Twilight" as a single!

Do you like Katy Perry & Fisting?

If so, "Extra Intestinal" is the song for you! Mike Diamond's stunning interpretation of "ET" is the perfect soundtrack to your next dungeon visit. Let amazing lyrics like "fill me with your knuckles, my colon will buckle" inspire you to unclench and demolish what's left of your pelvic floor. You just know that Russell plays this glorious anthem before making Katy slip on her pink Hello, Kitty rubber gloves and massage his prostate. While I'm feeling Mike's witty words and almost operatic vocals, MC Matinga steals the show. Who needs Kanye West when you could this adonis go H.A.M. on your hot track? Oh and Sheena Easton even makes a cameo. Clearly this is a late contender for song of the year. Check out the NSFW extravaganza below.

Stan & Jessica's Blockbuster Video

A couple of days ago I posted the cover of Jessica and Stan's awesome duet and today the video arrived. Ever since "Get Em Girls" did for green Lycra what Jaws did for swimming, I'm kind of terrified when J Malley drops a new clip. They always seem to go horribly wrong and spoil an otherwise great song. Happily, Sony stretched the diva's budget to four figures this time around and "Galaxy" is largely inoffensive. I'm not sure about that peach dress or the cheap floating crystals but I like the red moon and meteors.

More importantly, Stan is there for eye candy and he works his trademark chest clap for extra emotional impact. They look so cute together! And after seeing them perform the song on tonight's X Factor, I'm even more excited about their joint tour. The current King and Queen of Aus Idol sounded great and I loved their pared back version of "Galaxy". This is a good song and deserves to be a big hit. The ballad is rocketing up iTunes - #14 at present - so, mission accomplished.

Beyoncé Has The Hottest Fans

EXHIBIT A

Who Runs YouTube?

"Run The World (Girls)" has just passed 100,000,000 views on YouTube. Swallow that bitter pill, haters! While not a record by any means - Justin Bieber's "Baby" has been viewed 600,000,000+ times - more people have tuned in to watch Bey's Tofo Tofo dance and growling hyenas than Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" or Britney's "Hold It Against Me". Not bad for a song that only reached #29 in America. This is further proof for me that the schizophrenic jam was ahead of its time. People just couldn't get their head around it but were fascinated enough to keep coming back for more. Which explains why it's still hanging around iTunes all these months later and creeping towards a platinum certification in the States. Re-live the wonder of a goddess at the top of her game below.

A Song For Anyone With Broken Gaydar

Simone Battle was recently booted off US X Factor and dropped her debut single the very next day. That's all I know about her. But I'm hungry to learn more after hearing her unique lover-turned-fag hag anthem "He Likes Boys". Poor Simone sings about her frustrating relationship, delivering comedy gold with lines like "guess it is kind of odd that he's such a big fan of Lady Gaga" and "my gaydar needs some inspection". She's not alone if all the bi-curious married men polluting Oxford Street are any indication.

The budding diva finally comes to grips with the situation, declaring "it's a love story with a twist - I found myself a new gay best friend!" Yes, the track is all kinds of stupid. Albeit no worse than Katy Perry's "Ur So Gay". The only difference is that "He Likes Boys" is sweet-natured and cute, which makes the hate difficult to comprehend. A lot of gay commentators are ridiculing the song for perpetuating stereotypes but I say get a life. I'd take Simone's inane ramblings over Lady Gaga's pompous "Born This Way" any day of the week. This goes out to anyone who has ever got the wrong end of the stick. So to speak.

September Vs Agnes

I have to admit that I don't pay as much attention to the Swedish pop scene as I used to when titans like Olinda and Bionda ruled the scene. Unfortunately, those glory days are long gone and now we're stuck with a bunch of nobodies that have probably never fashioned a dildo from clay on national TV or started their own political party to promote a flop single. Shame. On the bright side, two of the more palatable Swedish divas are back with new tunes.

It took me a while to warm to Agnes but I eventually overcame her complete lack of personality to stan for songs like "Release Me" and "I Need You Now". Her new single dropped recently and it's slightly underwhelming in comparison to those gems. "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" follows the Agnes formula of pairing a powerhouse vocal with thundering dance beats but something is missing. I asked her Australian record label if they plan to release the song over here and they said "maybe". Neon is probably waiting to see if it works in the UK. Can I suggest a slight remix to tone down the Eurotrash factor? That usually works for September.

Speaking of my sultry Swedish lover, "Me And My Microphone" will soon be unleashed upon the British public if the new remixes that appeared in my inbox are any indication. I still love the song - it feels like it's been out for years - and hope it's a hit. The cute video should help. For the first time in her career, Petra looks like she was born after 1970. I love the dance routine and her beaming face makes me happy. "Love CPR" is a great album and deserves a second chance. A UK hit could be just what the doctor ordered. Pun intended! Anyway, compare the videos and let me know who is your favourite Swedish export.

VS

Jeza And The Belles - Episode One

My attention rarely strays from music but I'm so obsessed with a new web-series that I had to spread the word. Jeza And The Belles is the show we've all been waiting for - a glorious action-comedy extravaganza about drag queens with superpowers. Jeza is the undoubted star with her Dolly Parton wig and gigantic jugs but Sue-She gets all the good lines and Badora (AKA Kelly Rowland's long-lost twin sister) provides the eye candy. I don't want to spoil it by going into more detail but brace yourself for the best show (not) on TV!

PS. How amazing is the theme song?

Mary J - Nice Song, Shame About The Video

I think I'm the only person that actually likes Mary J. Blige's new single. Feedback for "25/8" has been vicious but once you get past the cringeworthy title, it's a really good song. Not quite "Be Without You" or "I Am" but still a massive improvement on other "My Life II" cuts like "Someone To Love Me (Naked)" and "Mr Wrong". The R&B icon delivers vocally and the old school production is pitch perfect. So why did her label spend no money on the clip? Honestly, this makes "Love On Top" look like Avatar. Mary J. basically stands around in a series of unflattering outfits against what looks like a screensaver I had in the 90s. And then there's the saddest dance interlude of 2011. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when the soulful diva started waving her hands around aimlessly, surrounded by a bunch of broke-down male dancers. The whole thing reminds me of Kelly Rowland's heinous "Commander" video but with less imagination and an even lower budget. This woman has notched up nine consecutive top 10 albums in the US. Her talent and stature demand so much better.

Beyoncé Throws The Best Party EVER

From the post-apocalyptic drama of "Run The World (Girls)" to the zero-budget performance video for "Love On Top", Beyoncé has delivered a bit of everything this era. And while I definitely like some of the concepts more ("Countdown") than others ("1+1"), the videos have all suited the material and shown off Queen B's legendary versatility. It seems fitting then that she keep the best for last.

Actually, that's not quite right. "Party" isn't the best video from "4" - that would be "Countdown" or "Run The World (Girls)" - but it's my favourite. I love it when Bey lets her mask slip a bit and has a bit of fun. Like when she raided the liquor cabinet in "Why Don't You Love Me?" before dusting her 16 Grammys. Sometimes I think the most successful artist of the millennium over thinks things in the pursuit of excellence, so it's nice for her to take a step back and deliver this rambling, yet incredibly enjoyable, mess. Which she directed herself. Respect.

The concept:

Beyoncé throws a party in a trailer park and invites over a bunch of friends that include her superstar sister Solange, former Destiny's Child bandmate Kelly Rowland and rapper J.Cole.

Why it works:

1. The clip suits the lyrics perfectly. This is a party I would love to attend... if only to see Bey mow the lawn stilettos and little else.

2. It is a high-camp extravaganza. This is what I imagine a street party thrown by the cast of RuPaul's Drag Race would look like. Hair rollers and short shorts as far as the eye can see.

3. Kelly Rowland's presence adds some serious star power to the proceedings!

4. The sight of Beyoncé doing her make-up on the toilet. Millie Jackson approves.

5. Ghetto fabulous fashion that will make your head spin.

6. Excerpts from the diva's "Year Of 4" documentary add to the clip's homespun charm. It's completely unnecessary but cracks me up.

7. The trashy Cassie look-a-like.

The negatives:

Michelle Williams' invitation was obviously lost in the mail. Rude.

The verdict:

Move aside, BB Homemaker. Trailer park Betty is the new Queen of my heart.

10/10

Jessica & Stan Fly The Idol Flag

Jessica Mauboy and Stan Walker have finally blessed the world with the duet we've all been waiting for! No, really. I love them both and think a collaboration is smart for several reasons:

1. It gives them something to sing on their upcoming joint-tour of RSL clubs - no shade, this is actually happening and I already have tickets!
2. They are two of the nation's most successful pop stars and I'm a firm believer in cross-promotion.
3. Anyone is a better duet partner than Jay Sean.

As for the song, it's a total grower. After returning to the top 5 with her double platinum smash "Inescapable", I thought J Malley should go with another upbeat number like "Run" - or the still brilliant "Maze" - but "Galaxy" is fun too. It reminds me a lot of "No Air" (AKA the last time Jordin Sparks was relevant). It doesn't knock your socks off on the first listen but slowly creeps up on you like a pervert. Radio will love it and I'm sensing a sexy beach-themed video if the cute single cover (above) is any indication. We'll know soon enough. The song hits iTunes tomorrow and the delicious duo perform the song on next week's X Factor. Here's a sneaky listen below.

Your New Favourite Band

If Adam Lambert was around in the '60s, he would probably sound something like Hunx and his Punk - AKA my new favourite gay rock band. Founded by Seth Bogart (a California-based hair salon owner) in 2008, the band has already released one album called "Gay Singles" and built up a loyal underground following. I haven't got around to listening to that opus yet but their sophomore effort "Too Young To Be In Love" is something of a triumph. I genuinely love their sunny West Coast sound and barrage of retro influences. And let's be honest, the amusing lyrics don't hurt. Take Hunx and the Punx's new single. "Lover's Lane" is "Leader Of The Pack" with a demented gay twist. I love the thwarted teen romance set-up and melodramatic storyline - "my boy was killed and now he's gone!" The video is simple but cute. I don't get the random severed hand or the creepy-looking drummer but it's still better than anything Coldplay has ever released. Embrace the magic below.

Listen To Monica Or Die!

If there's one lesson to take from Monica's latest video, it's that you should always follow her advice or end up in a bodybag. The lead actress in "Until It's Gone" makes the mistake of ignoring the R&B diva's sage words and let's just say the poor bitch has one of dem days and then some. The clip is a bit melodramatic - my favourite part is when our ill-fated heroine sadly declares "Monica told me he would never change!" in a voiceover - but I love it. A good sob story never goes out of fashion and the concept gives a whole new meaning to the lyrics. "Until It's Gone" is the lead single from Monica's soon-to-be-released seventh studio album and it will probably be ignored outside America like everything else she has released since "Angel Of Mine" but the rich man's Brandy still does it for me. I love her voice, the fact that her hair hasn't changed since 1995 and her non-stop tweeting about Jesus. Watch in amazement as the wisest woman in R&B wipes the floor with your fave's wig. Don't take it personal.

Cosmo Jarvis Covers Kylie Minogue

A couple of weeks ago, Cosmo Jarvis visited Australia for a whirlwind promo tour and a pair of sold-out shows in Sydney and Melbourne. He also found the time to drop by Triple J to perform on their popular Like A Version segment, which involves guests singing unexpected cover versions. And the 22-year-old raised the bar by taking on Kylie's "Spinning Around". From "Gay Pirates" to Ms Minogue's career-reviving comeback single, Cosmo has displayed exquisite taste and is fast becoming my new fave. His rendition rocks but what drugs are these lame presenters on? Young Talent Time was Dannii's gig and all that talk about the saucy video is unnecessary. Show some respect for your elders! Anyway, that's not the dashingly-handsome Brit's fault. This is awesome and should be used as a B-side somewhere. If you need more Cosmo, here's my review of his Sydney Showcase and an interview I did with him for Channel V.

Beyoncé's Urban Smash Gets J.Cole Remix & Lil' Kim's Approval

Beyoncé's "4" campaign is already more complicated than Inception with three different singles being promoted simultaneously but things are about to get even weirder when two versions of her current urban smash go to radio. While "Party" took a while to grow on me, the song has since become a firm favourite. I also think it could turn out to be something of a sleeper hit. The slick Kanye West-produced slow jam is exploding on R&B radio (see below) and is winning unexpected fans. Like the legendary Lil' Kim, who was recently filmed getting down to the track on her tour bus. Could your fave have this effect on rap royalty? The overwhelmingly positive response to "Party" makes the decision to butcher it all the more perplexing.

I'm not a huge fan of André 3000 but his rap makes the song for me. It's quirky and gives "Party" an unexpected '90s feel that sets it apart from the rest of the field. While remixes are nothing new, switching the featured artist for radio is a bit unusual. Don't get me wrong. I like J.Cole - a lot more than I like the former Outkast frontman - but his version is a bit stilted. Maybe I'm just used to the original. In any case, we'd better get used to it because J.Cole appears in the video alongside fellow R&B legends Kelly Rowland and Solange. That opus premieres tomorrow in America (so Wednesday over here). I'm already crying and shaking in anticipation! Here's the new version "Party" to get you ready.

How Pattyboy Scalped Rihanna & Britney

Earlier this year I introduced Pattyboy as the worst pop star of all time. That post was very tongue in cheek but I did say that his music is better than half of "Born This Way" and expressed my admiration for the Kiwi's ambition in the face of no discernible talent. Things have changed since then. For starters, the vocally-challenged diva shocked everyone by rocketing to #49 on NZ iTunes with his latest well-meaning but painful anthem "Unicorn". That's the kind of chart position Anthony Callea or Darren Hayes would kill for! And it proves - for better or worse - that Pattyboy is developing a real fanbase. Good for him. As New Zealand's new King of Pop, the next step was dropping a visual worthy of his breakthrough smash and I'm sure we can all agree that he delivered the goods. In a week that saw disappointing new videos from fading-stars like Britney and Rihanna, one artist stepped up to the plate and hit a home run. It's so good that I'm using sports metaphors!

There is a lot to love about "Unicorn", from the stunning scenery to the exquisite "Run The World (Girls)"-esque choreography at 1:40 minutes, but for me it's all about Pattyboy's stunning fashion. Who else could team a green feathered tunic with white patent-leather boots?

While Rihanna ripped off Skins and Britney's body-double made out with her real-life boyfriend for attention, New Zealand's finest export shows that you can be visually interesting but remain tasteful by wrapping himself in toilet paper and dancing around in his mum's slippers. I could not remove my eyes from the screen. That sound you hear is wigs being snatched.

The heartthrob glams it up in his next outfit, wearing a suit jacket and little else. It's a bit too sedate for my liking. But points for trying something different.

And then the big finale. In an obvious tribute to Beyoncé's "Best Thing I Never Had" video, the powerhouse mumbler slips into an elegant wedding dress. The message is clear. Make a commitment to yourself before anyone else. It's a stunning climax to a video that touched me deeply on many levels. Watch in awe (below) as the future Kiwi pop legend makes your fave redundant.