Sorry it's been so long between posts but sometimes shit just happens. The prospect of catching up on everything was kind of overwhelming but then I saw this magnificent clip posted on Facebook (thanks, Joe!) and I just knew it would be perfect for my return. As far as I know, KaraMel could already be an internet sensation but I'm yet to see them get any blog loving. Which is astounding because "Underwear" is absolutely irresistible. If Ke$ha cloned herself and formed a girlband that spent all day listening to Daphne & Celeste's stunning back catalogue of hits for inspiration, I'm convinced they would something like this. KaraMel's debut is a bit naughty, unashamedly trashy and extremely fucking catchy. In other words - just how I like my pop! There's not a lot of information about this delicious duo but I think they hail from Canada and the girls are called Kara and Mel. Hence their classy band name. According to their bio they are also "getting ready to put out a debut album that will redefine the dance-pop genre". I can hardly wait! While we for KaraMel to reinvent popular music as we know it, check out their fabulous video. I love their bad dancing and the array of semi-naked men. Why isn't this a worldwide number one smash?
Pop Panel never ceases to amaze me. One week Kim Zolciak scoops the pool with a perfect score and the next a pair of critically acclaimed indie-pop darlings take the prize. At least it's never boring! I have to admit I'm kind of torn by the result. I would have loved our runner up to win. It's the second time she's almost snatched victory and I think she deserves it for having 3 great singles out this year. But then our victor is amazing and I've been playing that song on repeat for weeks. Actually, unlike the other judges, I really like most of the songs this week. Some for their so bad it's good appeal and others because they're just pretty - if not strikingly original. Oh well, you be the judge. Is this single of the week up to scratch or should the following judges get a life and get off the internet?
D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator Mike (AUS) author of this classy blog The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet
We were also assisted by the following bloggers:
Gordon (UK) writer of the amazing Diva Incarnate. If high camp pop is your thing, then his blog is THE place to be!
and
Enric (Spain) writer of Blog petit, pero valent. He's one of my hot Spanish bitches, so you know he's defining.
and last but definitely not least we have a stunning celebrity judge!
Erika Jayne is one of the hottest dance divas on the block right now. Her first 4 singles shot to #1 on the US club chart and her new hit "One Hot Pleasure" looks set to follow suit. Erika's catchy jam perfectly straddles the pop and dance worlds. It's slick, catchy and sexy. It was also written by club King Dave Aude and my homegirl Luciana - so you know it's quality. And don't even get me started on the video (below). It contains so much fabulousness that prolonged exposure is sure to turn you gay. Despite the fact that Erika is pure sex and really turns it out. Give it a look! The song is on iTunes now. Buy it. I really hope this is her crossover hit. An Australian record label would be crazy not to jump on it. I'm so excited to have her on board!
As usual the songs are rated from lowest to highest. Here goes!
D'Luv: If Natasha spent less time working with trendy writers and producers and more time actually writing decent material like her first album, I might not have to sit here every time I hear one of her goddamn boring-ass songs and wonder why I never got to fuck her brother when he was thin and still relevant. So screw her. 1.5/5 Diva Incarnate: You've really lowered the bar with this one: the good thing about this song is that if you like it you can just buy Beyonce's "Halo" off itunes instead. -5/5 Enric: I must say that I hate her with all my heart, I hate her annoying voice, her tampon-ad songs, and her appearance on Nicki Minaj’s album. But, for the first time ever, I love her rip off of Jordin Sparks’ Battlefield. Is Ryan Tedder (producer of the track) trying to make another Halo-Already Gone thing? 5/5 Erika Jayne: Saw the video. Love the new fashion risks she’s taking. Can’t wait for the remixes! 2/5 Mike: Thanks for that charming story, Proph. I'll never be able to listen to "Unwritten" again without wanting to call the authorities. As for Natasha - she still looks like a distant relative of Phar Lap but "Halo" is my probably my favourite song of all time, so anything that rips it off this closely is ok by me. 4/5 The Prophet: I can't believe I used to love Natasha Bedingfield when I was younger. When I was an underage teenager and first moved to Sydney I made this creepy old guy who was obsessed with me buy me one of her singles. He didn't even buy me her album. He was such a freak actually, once I went to his house to play my Gamecube because I didn't have a TV yet, and he had this young teenage boy staying with him who looked like some street trash who had been kicked out of home and was sleeping with this old pervert to keep a roof over his head. I just ignored it and continued playing Resident Evil, then went home. 0/5 Total: 7.5/30
D'Luv: Musically, this song sounds like a knockoff of Hurts' "Wonderful Life." Vocally, it sounds like Leona Lewis getting pile-drived beneath the Brandenberg Gate, with thighs jutting out to each side like twin beacons of freedom. 1/5 Diva Incarnate: Since she's German I give this a nine! And in English I give it a 2. Enric: A beautiful song, but it sounds so Ryan Tedder that it gets boring after the first chorus. I love seeing Sarah Connor, she perfectly fits in this blog. 3/5 Erika Jayne: Go Germany! 1/5 Mike: Back off, bitches! Edita might look like a shopgirl from Magdeburg playing dress up in an outfit Diana Ross discarded circa 1985 but she can sing and the song is lovely. I can't wait for my copy to arrive from Germany!5/5 The Prophet: Not only did Mike purposely ignored ALL my pop panel suggestions this week, but rather than use one of my epic submissions he stuck this German BITCH up instead to SPITE me because he knows I hate Germans, Germany and Mike's German heritage. This bitch is floppier than my 8 inch dildo Alejandro. ZERO! 0/5 Total: 12/30
Mariah & Patricia Carey – O Come All Ye Faithful (Video)
Mimi teams up with her mum on this Christmas carol!
D'Luv: I guess now we know where Mimi got her pipes from. And her penchant for fucking for tracks. This is so Mariah-style over the top it's getting a perfect score. 5/5 Diva Incarnate: Mariah still shrieks those tender high notes like someone's fish-hooked her vagina. Hard to tell if she is leaving a voicemail to Kanye or actually singing come-ye. Does she sing this to her 12 year old husband when he has nightmares? 2/5 Enric: Mariah (who is actually 46 months pregnant, judging by her full size) and her Opera singer-wannabe mum Patricia turn Christmas into a nightmare full of fear, screams, high notes and broken glasses. Pay special attention to the 2:03 mark and try to survive it. 2/5 Erika Jayne: Xmas is one of my favorite holidays. Mariah is the ultimate Xmas carol diva. 3/5 Mike: I feel like I've just spent 3 and a half minutes in Mimi's high kitsch rainbow coloured world where all pets wear Santa costumes and 9 inch heels are normal footwear for heavily pregnant women. It's as warm and personal as it is ridiculous and cringe-worthy. Which perfectly sums up Christmas, doesn't it? 5/5 The Prophet: I love Mariah and "I Still Believe" is one of my all time favorite songs, but nobody gives a fuck about this Christmas album or seeing her sing a duet with Mother Mimi. For this Holiday season I'm on team Auntie Susie (The Gift!) and Jessica Simpson's stunning Mariah knock-off "My Only Wish" from her festive opus "Happy Christmas" which peaked at a dizzying #123 on the Billboard Charts. 0/5 Total: 17/30
Kylie's latest adventure is a duet with UK pop sensation Taio Cruz.
D'Luv: I hate to say it, but Kylie seems a little desperate doing this. It sounds like some anonymous dance track any studio singer from Germany could have lent vocals to, and if the 'Aphrodite' campaign needs this type of stunt to remind people that Kylie's got an album out, best just to move on. 2/5 Diva Incarnate: The most natural Kylie has looked since chilbirth. The only thing getting higher is her right eyebrow. Taio probably thought she was Lulu anyway. 3/5 Enric: Maybe I dreamed it, but I think this was meant to be on Aphrodite. Let’s hope it’s on the re-release (by the way, I wish it’s called Hermaphrodite) because it’s awesome. This is my favourite Kylie era ever. 5/5 Erika Jayne: I’ve always been a fan of Kylie – how could you not?! 3/5 Mike: I love it. Taio is on fire and this is as close to current Dannii's withered up sister has come to sounding... since "Get Outta My Way"! A shame then that Kylie is still wasting her time promoting the mega flop "Better Than Today" and a Christmas EP that no one wants when she could have a hit on her hands with this gem. 5/5 The Prophet: This gets three points for Kylie, but minus two points for Taio, leaving us with ONE. 1/5 Total: 19/30
Dyan Tai – Why Sydney? (Above)
Introducing the winner of Sydneyvision 2010 - a suburb vs suburb Australian take on Eurovision!
D'Luv: Thank God — new masturbation material. 4/5 Diva Incarnate: Sounds like a forgotten wigfield remix with that bassline. Since I love Asian lesbians I give it a 5. Enric: I love the instrumental, sounds simple but dancey. But his voice and his extra-feminine acting, added to the cheap video and the worst clothes selection ever, makes me feel confused. I want to like it, but I can’t. 1/5 Erika Jayne: I saw his video, and love his artistic-ness with his make-up. 2/5 Mike: Fuck off, Altiyan. Australia's next music god is already here! 5/5 The Prophet: Defining! Australia's answer to Far East Movement has arrived! Dyan looks like one of those asian Twinks you see tweaking on level 1 at the Midnight Shift. 4.5/5 Total: 21.5/30
US dance diva has an Australian hit on her hands with this sleazy tune.
D'Luv: I feel like this song has been out for at least a year, right? And didn't it have a completely different video at one point? This one's much better. Wynter's a trooper, and so I'll give her 3.5/5. Diva Incarnate: Lukewarm trance. Not so much lyrics as reading aloud Dannii's dressing room demands. 3/5 Enric: Keri Hilson’s cheap version is still trying to top any chart. I adore one of her first songs, "Surveillance", and maybe you loved it too in 2007. "Dirty Talk" is not better, but is one of 2010 most finest tracks. 5/5 Erika Jayne: I really like this song – I can relate to the sexy lyrics. I love a dirty conversation. 4/5 Mike: My love for this gorgeous creature knows no bounds. I hope this is huge for her. She deserves it, Wyn has been on the grind since 04! 5/5 The Prophet: I've been a Wynter fan since the "Surveillance" days, but now all of a sudden that she's this new club Queen every fickle flop out there is on her clit. Wynter is MY thing and I was playing this song since the second it leaked so stay mad. 4/5 Total: 24.5/30
D'Luv: I lived for The Cure when I was 13 and 14. Nice to hear that Robert Smith still has teenage boy voice all these years later, now that I'm 19. Alright, joking aside, I'm 22 and this song is a winner. 5/5 Diva Incarnate: When the pop is stark and hooky I usually cream my pants but candidly shit emo vocals rub me with more irritation than Michelle McManus's thighs. The fizzy synthesizers save it. 3/5 Enric: I know them because they messed up their performance last year in Barcelona, throwing vodka and drums to the audience. I love the ravey chorus and it’s always great to hear Robert Smith’s vocals. 4/5 Erika Jayne: I grew up listening to The Cure. I love Robert Smith! His voice is one of a kind. 4/5 Mike: A great cover a forgotten 80s gem. Sad, beautiful and haunting. 5/5 The Prophet: Finally some good music graces the FLOP panel. 5/5 Total: 26/30
I am so disgusted I can hardly type. Natalie Gauci - better known as the least successful Australian Idol winner in history - has dared to fuck with the reigning Queen of Spanish pop by covering the title track of her new album. Sure, Natalie co-wrote "Dreamer" and probably recorded it first but that's no excuse for stealing Soraya's thunder. The sad flop should be grateful that an international megastar would deign to sing her song instead of using it for herself. It's like Malena Gracia covering Maria Callas - not right! I just don't see the point of Natalie's version. Her voice was never going to match Soraya's glorious pipes and the production is cheaper than her wig in the tacky video (below). Admittedly, the remixes are good - which explains its current top 5 placing on the ARIA club chart - but why not mix the original? It's about time Australia was blessed by the Spanish angel's legendary beauty and breathtaking talent! Now instead of hearing Soraya in the club, I'll be tortured with this shit. Thanks a lot. And to think I spent $5.99 on Natalie's flop album when it made its way to the bargain bin at JB Hi-Fi! If you want a good laugh, check out the video clip that accompanies this abomination. Soraya would never approve...
It feels like forever since my last album review. I was going to break the drought with my three-months-in-the-making academic study of Soraya's genre defining masterpiece "Dreamer" but I'm still too emotional after being tweeted by Spain's glorious gift to the universe. Next on my list was Selena Gomez & The Scene's underrated pop opus "A Year Without Rain" or my extremely overdue review of Ke$ha's already iconic "Cannibal" but I just can't get one album out of my head or off my iTunes recently played list. I'vewritten about Shontellebefore. You know - the new and improved Rihanna, best known for the year's best diva ballad "Impossible". The Barbadian beauty's sophomore album was released back in September and peaked at #81 in America before falling off the chart altogether. Which just goes to prove that there's no accounting for taste. "No Gravity" isn't the deepest musical offering of 2010 and suffers from one too many cooks production-wise, but if you're looking for a sizzling bunch of club bangers with a sprinkling of over the top balladry then Shonnie is your bitch. This is the album Rihanna would make if she removed that giant stick from her overused arsehole. It's fun, catchy and completely unpretentious. Shontelle needs to migrate to Australia where her voice and talent would be better appreciated. She could be the Marcia Hines of the new millennium! Here is my track by track review:
1. Perfect Nightmare
"No Gravity" was delayed for several months to give Shontelle the opportunity to get in the studio with Darkchild and this is a result of that collaboration. I adore the song but it has to be said that "Perfect Nightmare" owes a lot to Beyoncé's "Sweet Dreams". The lyrical content is very similar and the production isn't exactly worlds apart. But if you're going to rip something off, it might as well be something good. And I love the way Shon's exploration of the line between love and hate, passion and obsession begins as an acoustic ballad before transforming into a brooding dance anthem. Rodney Jerkins has been on fire lately and this is one of his most interesting productions. Perhaps a little too interesting. "Beautiful Nightmare" takes a couple of listens to get into, which could explain its inability to chart. It's a shame because this a truly beautiful pop song.
2. Impossible
Oh fuck, what do you say about "Impossible". To my mind, it's one of the year's most unexpected hits. The track is such a throwback to the 90s (you know, when divas could actually sing) with its soaring chorus and you done me wrong lyrics. Toni Braxton would have owned this back in the day but Shontelle shows off her own powerful pipes to stunning effect. I defy you to listen to "Impossible" without at least one power grab!
3. No Gravity
For a while this was touted as the album's second single. With good reason. "No Gravity" is an irresistible pop explosion with effortlessly uplifting lyrics and a plethora of catchy vocal hooks. There's something very European about the production, which isn't really that surprising given the long list of Swedish names in the credits. The album's title track is as cute as button. I really hope they haven't given up on this entirely. It could work wonders in Europe and Australia.
4. Take Ova (feat. Pitbull)
I've had a sick obsession with Pitbull since seeing him perform at Supafest earlier this year. His mesmerising hip thrusting turned me into a stan overnight and the prospect of my man collaborating with the pride of the Barbados left me salivating. Happily, the song lived up to my lofty expectations. Darkchild's dancehall meets Eastern European disco approach to production is fierce and the heavy beats are guaranteed to get your feet moving. There's nothing particularly deep about the lyrics (well, apart from Pit's rap about playing with his microphone - hell yes!) but this is a great party anthem that sounds radio ready for America.
5. Say Hello To Goodbye
Shontelle returns to ballad mode on "Say Hello To Goodbye", injecting some variety into the album. I don't mind this. It isn't particularly ground-breaking or original but I like the song's message and Shonnie's emotional vocal. My only criticism is the production, which sounds very dated. Producers really need to move on from Ryan Tedder increasingly boring formula of guitar based mid-tempo balladry. He spends enough time recycling that shit himself without the rest of the industry jumping on his bandwagon.
6. DJ Made Me Do It (feat. Asher Roth)
This has become something of a fan favourite but it's easily my least favourite song on the album. Co-written by Bruno Mars and produced by his team (The Smeezingtons), "DJ made Me Do It" is a fairly straightforward club banger with highly predictable lyrics that I swear I've heard a million times before. It also has a really annoying sample and features the world's most pointless rapper. The track was originally recorded by Nina Sky but rescued by Shontelle when their album was shelved. She shouldn't have bothered. "DJ Made Me Do It" is pleasant enough but it's been done before and better.
7. Love Shop
If you download only one song from "No Gravity", make it "Love Shop". This pop trash explosion pushes all my camp buttons and is already a #1 smash in my alternate universe. I love the stunningly bad lyrics - "I'll be your love shop baby tonight, I'll do all the things you like" and "my love is open from 6am to 6am, so hurry up and come inside". Subtle! My love shop couldn't handle all that business but I digress. "Love Shop" showcases Shontelle's fun side and is catchy to the point of being annoying. I have no idea who Djibril Kagni and Jordan Houyez are but Dannii needs to hire these geniuses to re-produce her domestic violence themed club classic "Love Fight". Amazing!
8. Helpless
The upbeat dance-pop continues with "Helpless". It's a fun track but pales in comparison to "Love Shop". There's just something missing that holds this back from being excellent. Perhaps its the generic production or boring lyrics. And why does Shonnie pronounce mirror as mir-woir. Girl, you're not French. Think of this as pleasant filler.
9. Kiss You Up
Written and produced by Tony Kanal (No Doubt) and Jimmy Harry, "Kiss You Up" is a sweet little ballad. The piano is a nice touch and I love the pretty lyrics. Shontelle is so versatile. She can churn out throwaway dance-pop with the best of them but also knows how to interpret something more intimate and introspective. This is missing the big hook it needed to work on radio but it's a little gem that I can't stop listening to.
10. T-Shirt (Radio Killa Mix)[feat. The-Dream]
I have no idea what Shon's stunning debut single is doing on this album. It was the crowning jewel of her fabulously titled debut ("Shontelligence") but the sexy slow jam doesn't fit on "No Gravity". I'm so pissed off that "Licky" was given the flick, while this made the cut. Sure, that stunning dance anthem boasts the least flattering video clip of 2010 but the song is amazing and sounds like a hit to me. Hopefully it will feature on the inevitable re-release!
11. Evacuate My Heart
Shontelle pulls a Kylie by wasting one of the album's best songs as a bonus track. Sure, "Evacuate My Heart" is Rihanna by the numbers but it's more fun than anything RiRi's done since "Good Girl Gone Bad" and Darkchild's seething production is club and radio ready. This would be a good single choice if Shontelle is afraid of exposing her love shop to the world. The heavy beats and catchy chorus make this a perfect conclusion to an extremely enjoyable album that never tries to be anything other than dumb fun.
Praise La Toya the lord! Sweden's holy princess of pop has blessed us with yet another dose musical perfection. And no, I'm not talking about that "Body Talk" troll. As far as Scandipop divas are concerned, my heart will always belong to September. You see, we go way back. I first heard "Satellites" in 2005 and spent a fortune importing it from Europe. Petra's breathtaking talent had me hooked and for a while there, she was my little secret. That all changed when "Cry For You" exploded in the UK and eventually made its way to Australia. I distinctly remember attending the single launch in King's Cross, where a bored drag queen mimed the song to a half empty room of gays. Stunning promotion! The song somehow made it all the way to #14 and I thought September might succeed where Robyn had failed - at crossing over to mainstream but it wasn't to be.
Well, almost two years later, the Swedish siren is finally back with new material. I was smitten by "Resuscitate Me" from the first moment I heard it but the recently released video clip makes me love it even more. Penned by Cutfather, Jonas Jeberg and Lucas Secon (the team behind Kylie's "Get Outta My Way"), this is a return to the irresistibly exuberant pop of "In Orbit" - complete with a killer chorus and some of the cutest lyrics of 2010. Even the video is a triumph! After looking like a 45 year old housewife on drugs in the shameful debacle otherwise known as "Can't Get Over", September is looking hot again and works it for all she's worth. Hell, she even looks good in a coma! Fingers crossed "Resuscitate Me" gets an Australian release. The nation is crying out for some real talent!
Straight Up! first came to my attention back in April when they featured on Don't Stop The Pop. Back then Rob likened the Swedish twosome to Pay TV and Army Of Lovers - heady praise indeed! Their debut single definitely covered an arresting topic. An ode to young and pretty gays, "Twink" is a throbbing electro-pop anthem that goes where lesser acts fear to tread with stunning lyrics like "I pick a hunk I wanna fuck and then I get him drunk". Take that Adam Lambert, you soft cock! The thing is - I'd rather do Perez Hilton with the lights on than go near a hairless man-boy but I fully support the group's right to sing about whatever the fuck gets them hard. Think of this as the psycho-sexual bookend to Barb@zul's legendary bear anthem "I Don't Care"! Since April the Straight Up! boys have been busy recording new tracks and only just got around to releasing the video for "Twink". I wish I knew what to say about it. The clip (below) is a trash lover's wet dream but it also makes me want to find the nearest woman, get married and spend the rest of my life living a lie just to avoid ever watching it again. But that's me. I'm sure most of you will love it and I think the guy with the beard would be kinda hot if he stopped over-shaping his eyebrows! Don't get me wrong, I really like this band. I'll just listen to their future smash with my eyes closed. Now where's the link for that Barb@zul video again...
