This Is Actually Charting In Australia

Ark Factory - or the house that Rebecca Black built - has come under a lot of scrutiny since "Friday" exploded. Most of the coverage has been severely critical or at best condescending but they must be doing something right because they have another hit on their hands! Over the past week Alana Lee's "Butterflies" has slowly crept its way up Australian iTunes and currently sits at number 124. That might not sound particularly impressive but to put it into perspective - Kylie's "Better Than Today" failed to even break into the top 200. It's a real feat for an independent pop release to get this far and the 14-year-old is doing it with no promotion or radio play.

So we've established that Alana is chart phenomenon but is "Butterflies" any good? Well, the song isn't a genre defining masterpiece like "Friday". Rather, it's a surprisingly accomplished attempt at teen pop that reminds me of early Taylor Swift - only with autotune and a cameo from Pato, the world's least convincing rapper! It's cute in a Miranda Cosgrove on acid kind of way and Alana proves to be less annoying than some of her contempories. The video is also surprisingly tasteful by Ark's standards. There's no cruising around town with 30 year old gangstas or crazy tween parties. Alana just fights over the affections of a boy at school. Think Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me" on a $500 budget. Check out the (new) Hit Factory's latest iTunes smash below.

Britney & Xtina: Behind The Tweets

Earlier today Christina Aguilera tweeted Britney Spears. The Maria Callas of miming replied. It was a moment that united fans around the world. A once in lifetime meeting of the minds. The long hoped for coming together of two formerly relevant pop culture icons. Like most people, I was too overwhelmed by raw emotion to properly process the exchange. At first glance Britney & Xtina: A Love Story is a heartwarming tale of mutual respect and self-promotion. But on closer inspection, a very different picture emerges.

Christina can do no wrong in my book since starring in one of the greatest movies of all time but bitch is no beginner when it comes to throwing shade. And it's hard to interpret "can't wait to see what you bring in the next video" as anything but a dig. The world's unluckiest drunk knows full well that Britney is passed out somewhere in a Xanax induced coma - only to be shaken awake by her handlers when duty calls. She can hardly stand, let alone bring anything.

Not to be outdone, her bitter rival (or the person pretending to be her on Twitter) sarcastically replies "can't wait to watch you on your new show". How dare Britney point out that Legendtina is now the Paula Abdul of generation Y? The dirrty one just died inside. As far as cuntish behaviour goes, flop fatale wins in a knockout!

Kristine Elezaj... Still On The Warpath!

In what has to be a record for the longest gap between the release of a single and the debut of a video clip, Kristine Elezaj's "Warpath" finally hits YouTube 7 months after the song first appeared on iTunes. I guess that means there's still hope for Adele to whip something up for "Someone Like You"! Speaking of classy, soulful vocalists - Krissy has been an obsession of mine for months. She first appeared on the blog in December and it was love at first listen. If you haven't heard "Warpath" yet, drop everything and click play. You really don't know what you've been missing.

Kristine's jam is pop trash at its finest. I love the catchy chorus, constantly quote the fabulous lyrics ("I saw that trick that you was with last night, she was Justin Bieber's look-a-like!") and ache for the faux Britney production. Emily Osment and her crack team of Brit Brit copyright infringers could never! So, that leaves one question. Was the clip worth the wait? The answer is a resounding yes. Sure, Krissy just stands around looking hot with a bit of choreography and an owl thrown in for good measure but it's adorable and will look amazing on the video jukebox in your local gay bar. All hail Queen Kristine!

Raffaella Carrà Returns To Save Music

One of the most popular pieces I've ever written for this blog was a tribute to the legendary Italian diva Raffaella Carrà. I still receive the occasional email about it. They range from helpful recommendations all the way through to outraged essays. Mentioning La Carrà's Argentine adventure haunts me to this very day! Since then my love for Italy's greatest export has continued to grow. She really was ahead of her time and I'm convinced La Gaga stole her look. Anyway, the original and the best has been very quiet lately but pop fans can breathe a sigh of relief because Raffaella is back with the song of the (European/American) summer! "A Far L'Amore" is the handiwork of French DJ Bob Sinclar, who is best known in Australia for his massive number one hit "Love Generation.

Oh, hang on a minute...
Sorry, Raffa called and ordered me to stop polluting her post with inconsequential details about that boring Frenchman.

All you really need to know about this future smash is that it re-works the stunning 67 year old diva's 1977 disco classic "A Far L'amore Comincia Tu". That song is probably Raffaella's biggest international hit. It was translated into German ("Liebelei"), Spanish ("En El Amor Todo Es Empezar") and became her only UK hit when it was released as "Do It, Do It Again". It is so catchy, I can't believe it hasn't been revived until now. And Bob does a great job. He deserves credit for keeping the original vocal and I love the overhaul. "A Far L'Amore" now reminds me of club hits like "We Speak No Americano" and "Barbra Streisand". It's quite minimal and repetitive but after a couple of listens it gets stuck in your head and refuses to leave. La Carrà is even dusting off her sequins to appear in the video. It's exciting but they should just use the stunning fan-made effort (below). Raffaella's exquisite beauty and hypnotic dance moves are perfectly showcased. Brace yourself for the comeback hit of 2011!

Kat DeLuna's Latest Smash

I'm seriously obsessed with Kat DeLuna at the moment. As far as I'm concerned, the Dominican diva can do no wrong. I still listen to "Push Push" daily and I'm finally on board with "Party O'Clock" after Jenny's ruthless thievery highlighted what an awesome song it is. Despite that nasty affair, Kat's innovative campaign to become the Belgian Madonna marches bravely on with the third single from "Inside Out". And she has really outdone herself this time. "Dancing Tonight" is the kind of pure pop explosion that grabs you by the balls from the first listen and just squeezes tighter and tighter with each play.

I love everything about this jam from the demented production (which fuses trance elements with Latin rhythms and RedOne-esque urban dance beats) to the hands-in-the-air chorus and cute lyrics. It's utterly joyous and Kat even channels Beyoncé in the video. Seriously, what does this bitch have to do to catch a break? "Dancing Tonight" might be a bit too... gay for the US market but it's custom designed for UK and Australian chart success. Particularly if she releases the rap free version on the promo single. Make sure you check out the pop pioneer's hot video. If "Spinning Around" fucked "Single Ladies", this is how I imagine their love child would look.

Dane Rumble's Aus Release Date

Dane Rumble's debut album will finally be released in Australia on April 1. Fuck yes! I've had "The Experiment" on high rotation since late last year and still find new things to love about it. The former Fast Crew frontman's opus was easily one of the best albums of 2010 and I can't wait for the Kiwi King of Pop to explode in this country. The tracklist and cover are exactly the same as the Kiwi version but at least his label got creative with the new artwork for "Cruel", which was released a couple of weeks ago. It's an absolute gem and resonates with me on so many levels. Unfortunately, it's yet to take off on radio but I'm convinced people will eventually wake up to that hot New Zealand sound! Check out Dane's hot new single below and download it - and the cool remixes - from iTunes now.

DeLuna Gate - J Lo Vs Kat

Last week I wrote a post about the Australian success of "On The Floor" and briefly mentioned the similarities between J Lo's worldwide chart topper and Kat DeLuna's... top 20 Belgian smash "Party O'Clock". Well, time has come to weigh in on the biggest scandal to rock popular music since Janet edited Khia out of her "So Excited" video for being too beautiful. This is tough because I love them. On one hand, seeing Jenny back at number one after half a decade of flopdom makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. On the other, Kat's entire career has been a flop. Seriously, when is this poor bitch gonna get a break? My sympathies are split, so let's look at the facts:

1. Ms DeLuna did it first. "Party O'Clock" was released in Belgium last October, while "On The Floor" leaked in early January.

2. RedOne produced both tracks and is known for re-using hot beats the way most of us recycle paper.

3. The Dominican diva is an international superstar, so it's thoroughly plausible that J Lo heard the track and shot RedOne a text saying "omg party oclock iz so dope kat deluna 4eva!" and he misinterpreted her honest intentions.

You don't have to be Detective La Toya to see that this is all RedOne's fault. It's not cool to recycle a song and give it to someone else - even if it is a really hot track that deserves a bigger audience. And "On The Floor" is a pretty blatant copy. Both songs have identical themes, similar beats and even some of the same lyrics (both mention partying in Ibiza and Africa). Kat, however, sees it differently and put Jenny on blast, telling the New York Daily News "I've seen this before, where the more established artist tries to take the vision and artistic ideas away from an emerging artist, and assumes no one will notice because of their bigger shadow... luckily, my loyal fans and the power of the Internet have let the 'Kat' out of the bag". For that last pun alone, she has my love and admiration for life!

Personally, I think Kat should take it as a compliment. She can't give her shit away outside Belgium and superstars are still jacking her swagger. The Dominican diva's time will come. Her album is amazing and I'm sure her pioneering ways will eventually pay off. In the meantime, enjoy "On The Floor" for what it is - an incredibly catchy tribute to the talent of Kat DeLuna. Compare both masterpieces below.

I Hate That I Love This

Taking the piss out of Nicole Scherzinger is one of my favourite hobbies. I've always respected the fact that she can actually sing and dance (unlike most of her contemporaries) but there's just something shady about this bitch. It's rude to ride a manufactured girlband to fame and then act like you're too good for the other hos in your troop. Even if they are a bunch of useless no-hopers like Jessica Sutta. And don't even get me started on the shameful debacle that was her first attempt at solo stardom. Nicole took flopping to new heights with such non-smashes as "Whatever U Like", "Baby Love" and "Puakenikeni". If the latter isn't the worst song of the noughties, it's definitely in the top 10. But credit where credit's due. She wiped the egg off her pretty face and returned to the Pussycat Dolls for another album before giving it another go. And it looks like Nicole has finally found the winning formula.

I hated "Poison" but it was an international smash and she's now officially ditched her Flopzinger moniker with a UK number one hit. More importantly, "Don't Hold Your Breath" is a genuinely amazing pop song. It was written by Toby Gad and produced by Billy Steinberg, who has crafted gems for international superstars like Ashley Tisdale and Jessica Mauboy. This is the kind of pure pop explosion I was hoping Britney would deliver instead of a stillborn club banger like "Hold It Against Me". Unlike that epic fail, Nicky's catchy floorfiller has real heart and attitude. It's one part "I Will Survive", two parts Kate Ryan - with a dash of faux RedOne flavouring thrown in for good measure. The resulting Imma get my shit together and show you anthem is utterly irresistible. But shame about the dire video that looks like it was filmed on her assistant's battered iPhone.

Jordan Knight In Amazing Single Shocker!

I need to preface this post by saying that I am not some crazy New Kids On The Block fan with a poster of Joey on the wall and a dildo called Donnie locked away in the bedside table. If anything, I was a bit of a hater. My sister and, somewhat disturbingly, my straight brother were obsessed and used to hog the stereo - blasting "Hangin' Tough" for hours when all I wanted to do was rock out to Mel & Kim. Besides, everyone knows the best American boyband of that era was Boys II Men but I digress. Just know that nostalgia plays no role in my labelling "Let's Go Higher" one of the first great singles of 2011. Jordan Knight has jumped on the urban dance bandwagon later than some but he's the only 40 year old white man to pull it off. At least that I'm aware of!

Penned by one time Gaga collaborator Colby O'Donis, "Let's Go Higher" is the lead single from Jordan's first solo album in five years. And it's easily his best record since 1999's stunning "Give It To You" (who will ever forget his gravity defying dance moves in front of the Ferris wheel in that iconic video?) and holds up well against anything on the charts. Seriously, this jam is more addictive than Mi goreng instant noodles. I love the Taio Cruz by numbers production, approve of the lavish use of autotune and ache for the catchy vocal hooks. Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo! Fingers crossed the song revives Jordan's solo career. He looks hotter with each passing year and with Jenny from the block and Diddy back in the charts, hitmakers from the 90s are the new black! Listen in awe to "Let's Go Higher" below.

Get Caught In Tatiana's Spider Web

Tatiana is my new Euro-pop obsession. The stunning diva hails from Poland, where she is apparently quite a big deal - having fronted a popular band called Blue Café before going solo. After conquering Eastern Europe, Tats was up for a new challenge. So she packed her PVC catsuit and caught the next plane to London. Her first UK release is called "Spider Web" and it's adorable. A pretty mid-tempo pop song about holding on until the bitter end of a relationship, the original version is definitely worth a listen. However, for me, the ridiculously camp 7th Heaven remix can not be beaten.

This is cheesiest piece of trash I've heard all year and I mean that as a huge compliment. "Spider Web" now sounds like the best song never entered into Eurovision. The deliriously upbeat production overhaul works a treat, giving the lyrics new meaning and raising the chorus into the pop stratosphere. Even the video works better in its remixed form (below). Tatiana's fabulous jam is released on April 18 with an album - also called "Spider Web" - to follow shortly thereafter. I just wish I knew about her when I was in Poland last year. I would have stocked up on Tati's shit instead of wasting my cash on Doda! You live, you learn.

Introducing INY - Korea's Hood Girlband!

It's official - Korea is the new home of popular music. Don't worry Mexico, you'll re-claim your crown when Lorena Herrera comes out of retirement! K Pop is seriously on fire at the moment. In the past couple of days the poptastic nation has blessed us with amazing anthems from Girl's Day, LPG and now INY. That's like the Spice Girls, Sugababes and Vanilla all debuting new material in the same week! I don't know how they do it. Where do they find all these stunningly talented girls? I'm starting to think they are genetically engineered in a lab. Take INY, for example. These angels are too lovely to be true. They have it all - looks, vocal ability and a disturbing rape fetish. Think of them as the Asian t.A.T.u! Here are ten reasons why INY is your new favourite girlband:

1. Their debut single "Shake It, Shake It" is a shameless rip off massive improvement on Ciara's "Love Sex Magic".
2. INY's gimmick is their street image - basically, they are presented as hoodlums who roam the streets of Korea stealing iPods from school girls. Bitches are HARD.
3. The video for "Shake It, Shake It" is as offensive as it is fabulous.
4. Highlights include muggings, attempted rape and even a murder!
5. The lead singer's red wig is everything that Riri's wishes it could be.
6. They wouldn't be an edgy girlband without some lesbian tension, which is duly provided in the video.
7. My fave (the stunning redhead) prevents her bandmate from being gang-raped and then takes her to a karaoke bar to celebrate. As you do.
8. Unfortunately, Korean rapists are persistent and the girls are pursued through the back streets of a slum and finally captured in a scene straight out of "Old Boy".
9. Happily, they are saved when their would be rapists accidentally murder another girl by mistake. Thug life!
10. The third band member appears in the tasteful video for ONE SECOND exactly.

Watch what is surely the most gripping video of 2011 below.

Wynter Gordon & The Duelling 2nd Singles

Yesterday Neon Records announced "Til Death" as the official follow up to Wynter Gordon's massive number one smash "Dirty Talk". The song has been doing the rounds for months but it has been given a complete overhaul by Denzal Park - the producers behind Zoë Badwi's fabulous top 10 hit "Freefallin'". I'm told it now has an "Only Girl In The World" vibe and is scheduled to hit radio on April 11. Some of you might be scratching your head, wondering what happened to "Pride (Putting It Out There)" but that was just a promo single for Mardi Gras. To muddy the waters even further, another record label is trying to cash in on the success of "Dirty Talk" by re-releasing the diva's 2010 club smash "Believer". Only now Vicious is pushing the track to radio as Wynter Gordon featuring The Freemasons instead of the other way around. Cheeky! It's a bit complicated but I kind of like the Wynter overload. Just remember that her official second single is "Til Death" but better yet - buy them all! My second favourite interviewee returns to Australia in April for the Creamfields dance music festival. Buy your ticket now!

Goodnight, Ms Holloway

Loleatta Holloway died today at the age of 64. I'm devastated. Like many fans, I was in awe of her powerful pipes and ability to genre hop effortlessly. This is a woman who began her career singing gospel, before breaking into the 70s soul scene. She then went on to conquer disco, Hi-NRG and house. Not bad for a diva that never experienced the success her talent demanded. But while Loleatta kept a relatively low profile, I guarantee you know one of her songs. The most likely candidate being 1980's "Love Sensation", which was sampled in Black Box's 1989 smash "Ride On Time" (she had to sue for credit) and recycled again for Marky Mark's 1990 number one hit "Good Vibrations". More recently, Whitney Houston turned the underground icon's 1976 disco anthem "We're Getting Stronger" into "Million Dollar Bill". And it was that song, or more specifically its parent album, that sparked my love for Ms Holloway.

The amazing Disco Delivery wrote a post about the album and I knew I had to get my hands on it. Sooner rather than later. It was love at first listen and I can't recommend the album highly enough as a starting place to discover this wonderful diva. "Loleatta" is a beautiful mix of soul and disco with, surprisingly enough, more than a touch of Millie Jackson-esque verbal sparring. The album's most famous track is undoubtedly "Hit and Run" but for me, it's all about "Dreamin'" (below). That gorgeous explosion of disco fabulousness pushes all my buttons, from the relatively understated beginning to the hilarious mid-song spoken interlude. In the song, Loleatta warns other women to stay away from her man before getting down for some straight talk half way through. Every line from 3:30 mins to the end is highly quotable but this is probably my favourite piece of advice:

What's mine is mine
What's yours is yours
You see, I don't want nuthin' that's yours
I don't want nuthin' that looks at you!
You see, I know I got my man!

Nobody did it quite like Loleatta. May she rest in peace.

A Kylie Exclusive - Los Amores Remix

"Los Amores" is one of my favourite things about the entire "Aphrodite" era. The Spanish version of "All The Lovers" is utterly defining. It sounds like a classy Eurovision entry and you haven't lived until you've heard Kylie try to pronounce "cielo". I'll never forget hearing the song in Spain - performed live on the streets of Chueca by Tony Tornado. Dannii's divine sister would have cried tears of joy if she heard it! But as much as I love and adore this gorgeous anthem, I always assumed it was just a novelty. A love letter of sorts to Andrés Velencoso and her adopted homeland. Needless to say, I was more than a little surprised when MMB told me a remix of "Los Amores" had been commissioned but never used. He thinks it was intended for a Pride event but I don't think anyone knows for certain. And to be honest, I'm just happy it exists. Another killer collaboration with Polish DJs WAWA, the Anthem Mix more than lives up to its name. I'm not sure if it's due to the camp factor or the stunning accuracy with which the lyrics were translated but I actually prefer this to the English version. Now repeat after me:

Baila,
Es todo lo que quiero
¿Por qué no bailas?
Estoy aquí contigo, muevete.
Me meteré en tu ritmo y en su fuego, fuego, fuego.

With the producer's kind permission, enjoy "Los Amores (WAWA & MMB Anthem Mix)"!

We Speak No Americano - Korean Style!

The battle for Korea's girlband crown is over. Give up, Wonder Girls. Go back to hooking, 2NE1. Your cheap rayon wigs have been snatched by LPG! Just when I thought K Pop couldn't get any better (I've been listening to "Twinkle Twinkle" on repeat for days), these five angels have raised the genre to previously unimagined heights by covering Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP's 2010 smash "We Speak No Americano". That song was pretty much the soundtrack to my European jaunt, so it has a very special place in my heart and I love what the girls have done with it. There are new lyrics, a catchy chorus and even a stunning dance routine. I can't understand a word but I'm sure it's deep and meaningful given that they've changed the title to "Angry"!

So who are these artistic giants? Well, if my research is correct, they are Korea's trashiest act since my idol Mina. It seems the band is comprised of failed beauty queens, their name is an abbreviation of Long Pretty Girls and they have a penchant for releasing novelty songs - including a misguided attempt to revive the Can Can and a winter themed flop called "The Road To Ski Hill". I love them so much it hurts! And surely Korea will now embrace these stunning divas too. "Angry" is undeniably amazing and the video (below) is extremely cute. Before you experience the wonder of LPG, I need some advice. Where can I order a copy of this masterpiece? It must be mine!

J Lo - Back At Number One

In 1999 Jennifer Lopez made the leap from movies to music with the Darkchild produced gem "If You Had My Love" and pretty much became a superstar overnight. That song topped the charts in Australia and now, twelve years later, she repeats the feat with "On The Floor". I'm not sure what shocks me more. That she's only had two number ones in this country or the fact she succeeded where so many other divas have failed - by reviving a music career (in her 40s, no less) that showed no signs of life as recently as last year. Remember the disaster that was "Louboutins"? Probably not given its non-existent chart position. Everyone is pointing the finger at American Idol but how do you explain her success over here? That show means nothing in this country. I think J Lo just got it right this time. "On The Floor" is a return to the Latin flavoured dance-pop she perfected in the late 90s/early noughties. There's the sunny sample, stupid lyrics about dancing the night away and RedOne's trusty recycled beats. It sounds like a sequel to "Waiting For Tonight" - only with Pitbull tacked on for the kids. Yes, it's a bit disjointed and a blatant copy of Kat DeLuna's last single (I'll save DeLuna-gate for another day) but sometimes a drunk bitch just wants to hum along to "Lambada" and dance like it's 1999. Welcome back, Jenny. I should also give a shout out to my girl Ke$ha, who racks up her 6th consecutive top 10 hit this week with "Blow". She is the new Queen of pop. The End.

Ilia Darlin - Greek Goddess

I have to admit I feared for the safety of my eyes and ears when Ilia Darlin was described to me as the Greek Gaga but like Tanya, the self-proclaimed Russian Gaga, this stunning diva is so much better than that 47 year old American tranny. Where to begin with Ilia? She has been hailed the next big thing in Greece (Anna Vissi, your time is up!) and is considered a veritable style icon across the Mediterranean. Which isn't surprising given her penchant for beaded bodices and neon string bikinis! After conquering her homeland, Ilia has her sights set on the UK and plans to unleash her debut single upon unsuspecting pop fans in April.

I guess you could describe "Car Crash" as a break up song. For serial killers. Most of us stop at deleting our bad boyfriends from Facebook but Ilia takes a slightly different view, declaring "you cheat on me but can't cheat death, I'll burn you like a cigarette" before singing about disposing her lover's body in a lake. Don't mess with this bitch! It's easy to dismiss the track as a gimmick but "Car Crash" is a great pop song. Ilia's bored delivery is absolutely intoxicating and I can't get enough of that demented chorus. With different lyrics and less twisted production the song would stand a better chance at radio but I love that Ilia has taken a risk.

If you need further proof that this isn't your average diva, check out the amazing video (below). She camps it up chopping meat in a Butcher's shop, dances in a barely there leotard and scowls like she's just chugged a schooner of lemon juice. I'm in love!

Comeback Of The Millenium

It's the comeback that 10 desperate pop fans have been waiting for - 90s super group Bachelor Girl is reuniting to promote what I expect to be a multi-platinum selling greatest hits compilation. I can hardly breathe! In case you're a foetus or have trouble remembering the late 90s for other (more valid) reasons, Tania Doko and James Roche are Australian pop legends. At a time when grunge was still in full swing, Bachelor Girl sang bright, happy songs about love and public transport.

Of course, I'm referring to the iconic "Buses and Trains" - a track that easily ranks as one of the best homegrown pop songs of the past 20 years. Their enduring masterpiece was a top 5 hit in 1998 and went on to become something of an international smash, peaking at #84 in the UK and #29 in Sweden. According to the always 100% reliable Wikipedia. 13 years have passed since then but I still give "Buses and Trains" a spin when I need a bit of cheering up. There's just something irresistible about Tania's bemused tone and the homespun wisdom of the lyrics. They never did top that anthem but their debut album was jam packed with gems - particularly the Alanis-lite magic of "Lucky Me". Bachelor Girl's sophomore album was less memorable but I loved "I'm Just A Girl", the video for which found Tania strutting through Melbourne airport in knee-high fuck me boots. They don't make 'em like that anymore!

Back to the reunion. The duo's new opus is called "Loved & Lost: The Best Of Bachelor Girl" and is released on April 15. It includes four previously unreleased tracks, which I assume are from their scrapped third album. Excitingly, the group will embark on a brief tour to promote the comeback of the millenium. See you all at the Sydney gig on June 3! Oh and here's "Buses and Trains" just for the hell of it.

Lionel Richie + Guy Sebastian + RedOne

Lionel Richie is poised to have his first major Australian hit since... time immemorial the early 90s with a re-make of "All Night Long". His 1983 number one smash has been overhauled by RedOne and now features Guy Sebastian on backing vocals. I know it sounds like a bad joke but the update actually kind of works and all the proceeds go to the victims of the Christchurch earthquake and Queensland floods - so there's no excuse not to at least try this shit out. Just be grateful they went with "All Night Long" instead of "Hello" or "Penny Lover"! The song has a timeless quality (which RedOne proved last year by sampling it in Enrique's "I Like It") and lends itself easily to the duet format. Although to be honest, Guy really does play second fiddle to Lionel on this. It's like he didn't want to outshine the superstar with his superior vocals - Am I forgiven Guy Sebastian stans? - and humbly took a back seat. Guy is actually on fire at the moment. I secretly love "Who's That Girl" and his joint tour with Lionel is bringing in huge crowds. He just needs to re-release his underrated masterpiece "Oh Oh" and I'll considering turning to the dark side. As for Lionel, this is easily his finest moment since 2004's "Just For You" - one of my favourite jams from that year. "All Night Long 2011" isn't on YouTube yet, but you can preview the song on iTunes. The track is already at #13 after a day, so it looks like being a big hit. I hope there's a glamorous video to accompany this hot mess. Hell, a live clip would suffice. Check out the original version below. Those high waisted leather jeans are to die for!

Barb@zul & The Video Of The Year (Part 2)

Last April I posted Barb@zul's brilliant "I Don't Care" and loudly declared it the video of the year. By the close of 2010 a couple of other clips had edged in front of it but their gay soccer romance remains one of my all time favourites. For so many reasons. Well, my future husbands José and Lázaro have finally delivered the sequel. You might remember that the first installment ended in a major cliffhanger. Basically, Laz and Juan were in the midst of a romance straight out of Mills & Boon. They met on the soccer field - as most gays do - and then started dating. You could tell that marriage and adopted children from Kazakhstan were just around the corner but horny Juan put his paws all over another man and Laz went "hell, no!" and cut that bitch. It was as heartbreaking as it was dramatic and completely realistic. So now, after 10 long months, we finally get to see what happens next in the band's latest clip "Midnight In Berlin". And it has totally been worth the wait!

If you don't want me to ruin the ending stop reading now. Just know that Part 2 is full of more twists, turns and darkrooms than a Mexican telenovela! Yes, it's really that amazing. Where to start? Firstly, don't fuck with a Spanish gay. Juan tries to apologise but Laz gets his bitch on and says he's going to Berlin. Which, coincidentally, is my favourite city in the world - although I am yet to set foot in Huesca. Once in the German capital, Laz walks around looking miserable. Naturally, he ends up at a gay bar being hit on by a bear but decides against it and plays soccer instead. Meanwhile Juan hits town and heads straight to the club. And then the darkroom. Some gays have no time to waste. This is where I get confused and need some assistance from my Spanish gays. Laz sees Juan in a porno mag, realises he's Spain's biggest porn star and they reunite? No? Whatever. This is stunning and the song itself is brilliant. José's pipes are in fine form and I love the Depeche Mode via Gran Canaria production.

So do we get a part 3 or at least a porn version next? I have needs...

Shakira's Gettin' Rabiosa!

I love posting about Shakira. None of you haters share my love for this holy icon of fabulousness but I get such a kick out of seeing her exquisite face on my blog. Particularly when she's wearing a headband in an obvious tribute to Australia's own Olivia Newton-John. Respect! Unfortunately that is a fan made cover but "Rabiosa" has indeed been selected as the third single from Shaki's stunning "Sale El Sol" album - an opus that is still yet to be released in this country by the cunts at Sony Music. Don't worry, guys. You still have Delta! If you haven't heard the song - and I'm assuming you haven't - make sure you check it out. "Rabiosa" is like "Loca" on crack. It's faster, dirtier and extremely whore-tastic. Three ingredients that make it essential listening. This radio ready collaboration with Pitbull has summer smash (in Mexico) written all over it. But seriously, with J Lo sitting pretty in the top 5 - why not take another chance on Shakira? She did it first and still does it better. I can't wait for the sure to be amazing video. Until then, this slightly disturbing effort (below) will have to do. Embrace the legend.

StooShe - Britain's Hottest Girlband

2011 is turning out to be an amazing year for music. First Kim Kardashian serenaded our senses with "Jam (Turn It Up)", before Xelle and Rebecca Black took popular music to previously unimagined heights with their genre defining anthems. They say good things come in threes but they are clearly mistaken because the lovely ladies from StooShe have delivered yet another dose of musical magic with "Fuck Me". Funnily enough, that's exactly what I said after hearing this for the first time. I'm just not used to 1) England producing decent girlbands after suffering through years of Girls Aloud and 2) complete strangers getting me on such a deep, emotional level. Courtney, Alexander and Karis have chosen a subject matter close to my heart for their probing debut single - the quickie. And the girls tackle the topic with uncanny insight, telling their men to "put it in and don't be speakin' unless it's filthy filthy". Although my favourite bit is the X rated homage to En Vogue when they sing "get it up, get it in and I'll free your mind". Quality stuff! I'm not sure what to make of their fashion sense and the hot mess of a man polluting the video clip (below) but any group that mutters "don't be leavin' me no pearl necklace" in their first offering is more than alright by me. When does the album drop? I need it. Bad.

All Hail Rebecca Black

Rebecca Black is the biggest pop culture phenomenon since Justin Bieber. That, dear friends, is just a heart warming fact. Since the future Grammy award winner's debut appeared on Comedy Central's blog a couple of day ago - under the cruel title "Songwriting Isn't For Everyone" - almost five and a half million people have tuned in to watch it. Those numbers put the 13 year old diva up there with Rihanna and Gaga. An amazing feat, particularly when you consider "Friday" has been roundly declared the worst song ever recorded. By stone deaf haters. Seriously, are these sad fuckers listening to the same track? I hear the voice of an autotuned angel and some of the finest lyrics ever scrawled onto a beer stained napkin by a paraletic songwriter under the influence of a variety of hard drugs.

Let's get real for a second. As one of my friends Joe quipped, Rebecca makes Kim Kardashian sound like Celine Dion and lines like "gotta get down to the bus, gotta catch my bus" left some critics wondering if the song was a work of satire - it's not - but I genuinely adore this fabulous piece of trash and happily spent $1.69 to download it from iTunes. Why? Because it's as catchy as it is hilarious. Moreover, it's refreshingly unpretentious and ten times better than anything on "Femme Fatale" including the song that Ke$ha wrote. "Friday" rises above the fact that Rebecca sounds like a water damaged Espresso machine to be one of the best songs of 2011. Yes, I said it!

Interestingly, this masterpiece is the handiwork of Ark Factory (or the new Stock Aitken Waterman as I like to call them). They specialise in writing songs for undiscerning rich girls who want to be pop stars and their conveyor belt approach to production and stunning lack of attention to detail is breaktaking. If they are the new SAW then I guess that makes Rebecca the new Kylie. A blank canvas that gets through some of the most dubious lyrics ever written with an oblivious smile on her face and genuine enthusiasm. And as I wrote in my Sydney Star Observer review - what else was the poor bitch supposed to sing about? Gettin' crunk in tha club? She's 13 years old!

Here are ten reasons why you should embrace Rebecca Black as the new Queen of pop and acknowledge "Friday" as a piece of modern poetry:

1. The clip's amazingly tacky animated intro
2. "Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal"
3. Rebecca's front seat vs back seat dilemma - talk about Sophie's Choice!
4. It has a chorus for the ages ("Friiiday, Friiiiday, gettin' down on Friiiday")
5. The bored/humiliated look on her friends' faces
6. Does she really say "we're gettin' German on the highway"?
7. The scene stealing cameo from the incredibly uncoordinated girl in the pink dress
8. Bec is totally hood for a 13 year old, rocking that party!
9. It's educational - "Yesterday was Thursday, Today is Friday... Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterward"
10. The best rent-a-rapper since Jazzi P

Watch in awe.

FUN, FUN, FUN!

Yet Another Reason Why I Love Shakira

This is the best thing to hit YouTube since Rebecca Black. And no, I haven't forgotten about that pop pioneer! But I can't stop watching this clip and need to post it. Basically, Shakira hooks up with Rodolfo Burgos - otherwise known as Shakiro - before a concert in Chile. His claim to fame is sounding uncananily similar the Colombian diva and I'm completely mesmerised by his fabulousness and Shaki's big heart. She doesn't bat an eyelid when Rodolfo blurts out that he used to dress up in his mother's clothes to impersonate her (I think we all saw that coming) and looks genuinely touched when he serenades her. I'm so jealous. I would hock my Dannii collection to see the world's realest superstar perform live. When does Shakira's tour reach America or Mexico? I'm tempted to fly over there just to be stunned and amazed by all her genre defining hits and crazy stans. This clip is a must see!

Selena Gomez > Your Faves

I'm buzzing! Legendary pop icon Belinda Carlisle just tweeted about my blog, so I thought I should update this fucker. Don't worry, I will comment on music's hottest new talent (ie. Rebecca Black) in a second but I have to give a quick shout out to my favourite Disney diva. Selena Gomez can do no wrong in my eyes. "A Year Without Rain" was one of my favourite albums of 2010 and I can't wait to hear what she churns out next. The first taste of her new offering arrived last week and, to be completely honest, it took a few listens to get into. "Who Says" is an undeniably cute feel good anthem that sounds like something Hilary Duff released in 2003 - a massive compliment, by the way - but in the wake of recent calls for self-acceptance like "We R Who We R" and "Firework", Selena's entry into the growing genre initially sounded a little... shit. I blame the tacky lyrics, which could have been lifted from a Dolly article about teens with low self-esteem. My favourite is the Grammy worthy couplet: "Who says you're not star potential? Who says you're not presidential?" Bitch, please! But then something strange happened. I woke up humming this trash and realised that Selena's magic works in mysterious ways. The song might not be the edgiest thing you'll hear all year but occasionally something sweet natured and insidiously catchy is enough. And you just know they'll gay it up with the obligatory club mixes, so I'm sorted. The video has rudely been blocked by Vevo, so take a listen (below). I wonder if they will release a Spanish version - "Un Año Sin Lluvia" is her defining moment!

Gettin' Sleazy With Ke$ha

I have to preface this review by admitting that I'm struggling to maintain consciousness, hungover to within an inch of my life and wrapped up in my newly purchased K$ hoodie. Needless to say, I'm lovin' myself sick right but now if this write up... is complete and utter rubbish, please excuse me. It's the best I can do on 5% brain capacity. So, where to start? Ke$ha is the era defining voice of our generation. That's pretty much a universally accepted fact but it's still completely mindblowing to see her strut stuff in person. After sitting through endless concerts in which some half-arsed diva tries and fails to come across as an artiste - hello, RiRi! - it is beyond refreshing to see a skanky ho take the stage and rock her box off with no pretence or agenda. K Dollah is just there to have a good time and her energy is utterly infectious. The ironic thing is, beneath that trashy, I don't give a fuck image, lies one of the most talented women in popular music. It's a given that her lyrical genius is beyond comparison but she is also a great singer and phenomenal performer. It could just be the 35 vodka Red Bulls talking but every song sounded just as good, if not better, than it does on record - and no, she didn't mime or sing along to pre-recorded vocals. The Get Sleazy tour is raw and real. And I wish I could go again tonight.

As far as the setlist goes, I think it was pretty spot on - apart from that fact that she didn't sing my jam "Stephen". What a bitch! But I'll forgive her because she belted out all my other faves starting with "Sleazy". Seriously hearing Ke$ha sing "gonna make me cum - all over ya face" (she changed the lyrics) surrounded by a sea of 12 year old girls is one of the most defining moments of life. And to think my first concert was Kylie's "Enjoy Yourself". When I was like practically still in the womb. Next up was the killer combination of "Take It Off", new track "Fuck Him He's A DJ" and "Dirty Picture". All were performed with minimal fuss, behind a drum kit with only some neon lights for distraction but I couldn't take my eyes of K$. She was working it like a 70s punk rocker - only with really gay songs about carrying a water bottle of whiskey in your handbag.

After the restrained opening, Ke$ha came alive and prowled the stage like a wild animal - raising the roof with a brilliant rendition of "Blow". I can't believe I used to hate that song. It gets more amazing every time I hear it. That hit was followed by "Blah Blah Blah", "Party At A Rich Dude's House" and "Backstabber". Three of the highlights from her revolutionary debut. It was finally time for some jams from "Cannibal" and she started with the title track (next single please!) before taking things right down for the night's only ballad - the heartbreaking and truly gorgeous "Harold Song". I cried. Literally. She then introduced "Animal" as the best song she's ever written and it's hard to disagree. What a fucking anthem. I was glad she threw in "Dinosaur" but even more ecstatic when she dragged a cute plus sized queen out of the audience and serenaded him with "Grow A Pear". Complete with penis and pear costumes. Stunning and defining! From then on, K Dollah stuck to the hits. Closing with "Your Love Is My Drug", "Tik Tok" and "We R Who We R". What can I say? In 100 years from now when some dude is compiling the greatest hits of the 21st century all three of songs will be on it. Genius.

10/10

Ke$ha's Forgotten Gem

Tomorrow night I will bask in Ke$ha's heavenly, glitter stained glow for the second time in a year. The first show blew my mind and that was just a five song gig for two hundred desperate fans at Fox Studios. A full blown blast of K Dollar is likely to push me over the edge, so I've been steeling myself for the experience by playing "Animal" and "Cannibal" non-stop for the past couple of weeks. There isn't a bad song on either album but I keep coming back to a handful of tunes. The title track of Ke$ha's debut should have been a single, "Grow A Pear" is modern poetry at its finest, "Kiss N Tell" still rocks my world and all of us can identify with the universal message of "Backstabber". However, my favourite track from the cutting edge safe sex advocate remains "Stephen".

It wouldn't have worked as a single but I love that Ke$ha lets her crazy out and displays some vulnerability - not to mention a stalker streak the size of Kanye West's ego. This is an incredibly demented tune but it works largely due to the diva's inimitable charm and hook filled production. The lyrics are so cute! I'd let her knit me a sweater anytime. Anyway, while wasting time online diligently working, I discovered Ke$ha had even filmed a video for the song. And it's the best thing she's ever done. "Stephen" must have cost $10 to make but it's a lough out loud funny, creative tour de force. Think "Misery" meets "Lars And The Real Girl" for some idea of what to expect! I think was played during her last concert tour but if it passed you by, you're in for a genuine treat. Bow down to the most unique superstar pop has ever seen.

Beyoncé & Alicia's Lost Video

Given that I literally have a Beyoncé shrine in my bedroom and positively adore Alicia Keys, it's surprising that their duet leaves me cold. I don't hate "Put It In A Love Song" and would cut a bitch to get my hands on a physical promo but these two peerless pop icons deserved better. The song doesn't suit Alicia's otherwise flawless "Element Of Freedom" album and it kind of sounds like a "Sasha Fierce" B-side when added to my Bey playlist. Having said all that, I still think it's catchy as fuck and genuinely love the funky chorus. It just needed a bigger hook and production that stole from "Single Ladies" a little less obviously. Despite those flaws, "Put It In A Love Song" looked set to be an international hit when it was selected as the fourth single from Alicia's album.

It reached the top 20 in Australia with no promotion and a glossy video was shot in Brazil. However, the track was pulled at the last minute and the film clip was shelved. Much to my annoyance. The stills from the set looked amazing (above) and I really wanted to see these divas dance together. Well, footage from the shoot has finally leaked and it is as breathtakingly fabulous as I imagined. Beyoncé has never looked so stunning and Alicia glows with an ease and confidence that I'm not used to seeing. Think of this as the low budget, girls gone not so wild version of "Telephone"! I've only seen a couple of seconds and I'm already obsessed. And I now have an undeniable urge to blast the track on repeat. Rude. Check it out and pray to Bey that we eventually see the finished product.

Xelle - My New Favourite Girlband!

I love a quality girlband as much as the next gay but for every Las Supremas de Móstoles there are ten rancid shit heaps like Girls Aloud and The Saturdays. Happily, newcomers Xelle definitely fall into the former category. These lovely ladies have the voices of (fallen) angels, sex appeal to burn and an overabundance of glamour not seen since the glory days of Martha Wash and the Weather Girls. They are also a girlband with a twist. You see, one of the members has a doodle and first came to fame on Season 3 of RuPaul's amazing Drag Race. Needless to say, Mimi Imfurst is my favourite member but JC Cassis and Rony Goffer more than hold their own. Particularly, JC. Just watch this defining video of her destroying vastly improving Michael Jackson's "Man In The Mirror" in a gimp mask. Toy Toy would give her personal seal of approval! But back to Xelle. The talented divas have just unveiled their debut single and video clip. "Party Girl", written and produced by Zach Adam, is a fun pop tune in the vein of Ke$ha, Gaga and their army of imitators. It's extremely catchy and I love Mimi's rap! The video is just as fabulous. Xelle take over a subway car and leave a bunch of lucky commuters breathless with their stunning outfits and gravity defying choreography. Watch in awe as the ladies show the pretenders how it's done!

Wynter Gordon & Alexis Jordan At Mardi Gras

I made a complete spectacle of myself at Mardi Gras this year, so I'm going to keep this post short and sweet - before erasing what I can remember of the night from my memory forever. The rumours that Rihanna would jump in a cab and head over to Moore Park after her show at Acer Arena turned out to be a load a shit. At least, I think so because everything after 6am is a bit of a blur. Instead we were treated to the fabulous double bill of Alexis Jordan and Wynter Gordon. Seriously, who needs Riri when you can have two divas that can actually sing? First up was Alexis. I've been a huge fan of this girl from the moment I heard "Happiness" way back in May 2010. She has a huge voice and some killer tracks up her sleeve. Alexis just needs to work on her image. I know she's only young but that girl next door persona is already getting boring. Having said all that, the 18 year old did a great job at Mardi Gras. She sounded fantastic and looked cute in her blue sequined butterfly cape. Dancing is obviously not her thing but she has what it takes to develop into an amazing performer over the next few years.

The other party performer was the divine Wynter Gordon, who I ran into while queuing for the toilet. Classy. I was surprised she remembered me from our interview and wished her luck for the show. Not that she needed it. Wynter almost blew the roof of the RHI off with her spectacular performance of "Dirty Talk". Her double platinum number one hit - when is it going to be officially certified by ARIA? - was the song of the Australian summer and always destined to become a gay classic. Let's face it, we all love a song about getting our legs up on the bar in the back of someone's car. The sexy singer looked stunning in her red jumpsuit and showed genuine star quality as she prowled around the stage like a true diva. Check it out below. I was a bit surprised she didn't sing the official Mardi Gras anthem "Pride (Putting It Out There)" but I guess there was a one song limit. Wynter's follow up to "Dirty Talk" comes out in a couple of weeks and I hope it's another massive hit. She has the looks, voice and charisma to mix it with the big girls. Oh and I should also give props to Seamus Haji for the night's best DJ set. He even played Mimi's "Touch My Body". Bless.

Rihanna - Live In Sydney

I have issues with Rihanna. She knows her way around a killer single better than anyone - as her impressive chart run attests - but the poor man's Shontelle is yet to release a decent album and I just don't buy her frequent image changes. Is she the edgy Grace Jones wannabe from "Rated R" or the happy go lucky sex addict circa "Loud"? Riri strikes me as the ultimate record company product - a blank canvas tarted up by a panel of music execs to fit the latest trend - but she tops the charts more regularly than Toni Braxton files for bankruptcy, so who am I to judge? I guess I was just hoping to catch a glimpse of the woman behind the machine at last night's concert. It didn't happen. There is something incredibly impersonal about Rihanna. She came across as surprisingly sweet, looked absolutely stunning and, when she wasn't miming or singing over a backing track, sounded less offensive than I remember. But the Bajan beauty still seemed to be going through the motions. Regardless, it was a fun show and I would go back and see her again. She just needs to watch Beyoncé's "I Am... World Tour" DVD on repeat for a couple of days to see how a real diva does it.

The show began on a high. Riri emerged from under a catwalk to sing along to a recording of "Only Girl (In The World)". She looked beautiful in a long red wig and dress made of flowers and appeared a lot more at ease than she did during the "Rated R" numbers. I should point out that Rihanna brought her "Last Girl On Earth" tour to Australia (ie. the "Rated R" tour) not the "Loud" tour she's about the kick off in the States. Happily, she threw in a couple of new songs - all of which sounded better than the dirge from her last album. Speaking of crap, "Hard" was next. That was followed by a rock version of "Shut Up And Drive". You couldn't really understand a word she was singing but it was probably for the best. After yet another "Rated R" stinker - "Fire Bomb" - things livened up again with a eerie rendition of "Disturbia". I had forgotten how awesome that song is. I went for a piss when I heard the opening verse of "Rockstar 101" but, happily, I made it back to see Ri-cycle mime "S&M". Her performance was great and I'm slowly coming around to "Loud". She just seems so happy and relaxed singing along to songs from that album. It's kind of contagious! The fun part of the first half concluded with one of the highlights from "Rated R". A filthy rendition of "Rude Boy". M.I.A. would be so proud.

Sitting through a live Rihanna ballad medley is almost enough to make you forgive Chris Brown. "Hate That I Love You" sounded retched, "Love The Way You Lie" (an absolutely epic song) just made the grade, while her wailing through "Unfaithful" solved Sydney's pigeon problem. I was genuinely excited when Riri switched it up by belting out her lesbian stalker anthem "Te Amo". I still think it is one of the best tracks she's ever recorded. That was followed by "What's My Name?" and a roof raising performance of "Don't Stop The Music". Girlfriend should have kept the old school hits coming. Where was "We Ride" and "Pon De Replay"? Instead we got "Breakin' Dishes" and a cover of "The Glamorous Life" - an obvious and appreciated nod to Australia's iconic queen of pop Melissa Tkautz. "Let Me" and "SOS" weren't particularly memorable - probably because she gave them the shitty "Rated R" rock treatment, but I loved her rendition of "Take A Bow". Which is probably my favourite Rihanna song of all time. It was as good a point as any to end the concert. Even though Riri didn't get the standing ovation they were obviously hoping for when they turned the camera on the audience. Rudeness, Sydney. Her encore was a crappy medley of "Wait Your Turn", "Live Your Life" (another fave of mine) and "Run This Town" - which included footage of Bey's husband. Aww. Rihanna's final number was a monumentally fabulous take on "Umbrella" - while suspended above the stage on what appeared to be a giant pogo stick with jets blowing pieces of red tinsel into the air. A cute way to end a pleasant if not mindblowing show.

Kim Kardashian's Stunning New Single

2011 has been a shocking year for pop music with massive disappointments from the likes of Britney Spears and Lady Gaga flooding the airwaves. Thankfully, one aspiring diva has succeeded where the big names have failed - by showcasing a raw, unbridled vocal talent that will leave your ears begging for more. Of course, I'm talking about reality TV mogul Kim Kardashian - who first came to fame by riding Ray J's huge dick on camera. While that remains her career highlight, "Jam (Turn It Up)" comes a close second. Kim's catchy club anthem is the handiwork of The-Dream and Tricky Stewart, who are best known for producing Beyoncé's iconic worldwide number one smash "Single Ladies". Unfortunately, even their reputation wasn't enough to insulate poor Kim from the haters, who have labelled "Jam (Turn It Up)" the worst song ever recorded. Do those CUNTS even have ears? Admittedly, singing isn't the diva's strong point but vocal giants like Heidi Montag and Paris Hilton only come along once or twice a generation. I find Kim's robotic, bored out of her mind voice hilarious. It's like she couldn't even be bothered trying in case it fucked with the Restylane in her lips! My favourite part is when she talks sings "I'm goin' to work like I'm payin' my bills, bii-lll-s". Was she even awake? The thing is - it doesn't matter. The production is great and the song is incredibly catchy. If Rihanna or Bey recorded this it would be huge. Let the haters hate. I have a new favourite pop diva. Bring on the album, Kimmy!

8/10

Introducing Jenna Dwyer - Wrestler/Pop Diva

Using a film or TV role as a stepping stone to chart glory isn't exactly a new phenomenon - just look at Jennifer Lopez, Hilary Duff and Miley Cyrus. But I don't think anyone in the history of music has launched their pop career on the back of a starring role in a zombie wrestling movie. That is until now! Australia's Jenna Dwyer is clearly a woman of many talents. She not only kicks undead butt as the fearsome heroine in the forthcoming film Parts Unknown: Fight Like A Girl, the aspiring pop diva also recorded the theme song. And - somewhat surprisingly - "Fight Like A Girl" it is fucking awesome. I love Jenna's voice, the quirky production sits somewhere between Evanescence and Christina Aguilera circa "Stripped" and it even has a deceptively catchy chorus. This shit really creeps up on you! It should be noted that the song was co-written by the brilliant Mandy Kane (read my interview with him here), which helps explain its dark pop sensibility. I don't know what Jenna has planned for us next but I'm on board. Make sure you watch the eye-popping video clip (below). Our glamorous heroine prowls the wrestling ring in a black leotard, while some of Australia's hottest female wrestlers battle it out around her. Bring on the movie - it looks right up my alley!

Luciana Hooks Up With Enrique!

Luciana's star continues to rise with a cameo on Dave Audé's brilliant remix of "Tonight (I'm Fuckin' You)". I love Enrique but the original version of this trash bores me to tears. It's a soulless mess with the charm of a used condom but the addition of Luci's heavenly vocals - combined with Dave's hot beats - proves once and for all that you can turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. The legendary dance diva provides the intro but her real moment comes at the 2:30 minute mark, when her saucy verse raises "Tonight" to previously unimagined heights. Luciana's trademark electro shouting is the perfect foil for Enrique's smooth voice and I love that she gives a female perspective on the topic. As expected, my boo gives as good as she gets, singing "I like it when you're rude, kiss me when I'm fucking you" before going on about being sticky and quoting lyrics from the Divinyls. It's pure filth but I love every second! Apart from the nod to "I Touch Myself", my favourite line is "I like the Gucci Gucci, you like the Luci Luci". We sure do. I have no idea what Enrique's label plans to do with this mix but they would be crazy to sit on it. "Tonight (I'm Fuckin' You)" just got ten times better! Give Luciana's latest triumph a listen below and stay tuned for the imminent release of "I'm Still Hot".

Born This Way - Video Review

It's no secret that "Born This Way" makes me want to pierce my eardrums with a rusty knitting needle. I intensely dislike the song and was kind of hoping to hate the video, so I could throw away my monster membership card and jump on the anti-Gaga bandwagon. But against all odds, I like it. The seven and a half minute extravaganza doesn't scale the same dizzying heights as "Paparazzi" or "Telephone" but I finally get the Klingon-tastic face implants and low rent sex shop clothing. "Born This Way" is as pretentious as you've come to expect from Gaga but at a time when Ri-Cycle and Zombie Spears either blatantly steal or walk through their videos in a medicated haze, the fame monster deserves credit for taking the medium seriously. Her transformation into the new Ziggy Stardust is almost complete - albeit with shit music stolen from Madonna.

The Nick Knight directed clip begins with a unicorn - clearly borrowed from Ke$ha's vastly superior "Blow" video - before moving on to the unseemly sight of Lady Gaga giving birth, while reciting her monster manifesto. I love the gloomy score and influence of B grade horror movies, so I'm willing to overlook the cringeworthy speech about mitosis and the multiverse. Whatever. Mother monster could have just cut the crap and said "this shit is about the age old battle between good and evil - and includes lots of big words to make me sound intelligent" but that would have been too easy. The script might be painful but it's hard to fault the costumes, make up and special effects. I particularly like the birth of evil, with its translucent exoskeleton imagery and machine gun straddling.

From then on, the mood lightens and the demented diva finally allows herself a bit of fun. There is some clever choreography in black leather lingerie and my favourite scene, where Gaga hangs out with heavily tattooed model Rick Genest - dressed in a tux, with a pink wig and full skeleton make up. It's the prettiest she's looked in years! The not particularly subtle vaginal imagery also amuses me. It's a rather lazy metaphor for creation but I'm a sucker for an old fashioned shock tactic and the visuals remind of 80s Cronenberg. The finale, which I interpret as a homage to Michael Jackson's iconic "Thriller" video, is surprisingly cute. By the end of the clip, I had forgotten I was listening to one of the worst songs of 2011. Which, if nothing else, is a reason to celebrate. All is not forgiven but I'm interested to see where Lady Gaga takes us next.